38. We haven’t moved into luxury

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Also:  It's Saturday Night 2. An autograph before you go 3. A new kind of game show 4. A rising exasperation with the quantity of dirt 5. The whole thing suddenly fell apart 6. Synthetic propensity 7. It was destined to be an anti-climax 8. This is your show now 9. The awesome scale of our wastefulness 10. Hands up those who couldn't care less 11. Together We’ll Be Ok 12. Decide the shape of ITV in the 1980s 13. Alan is too commercial 14. It worked like a dream 15. Older men, doing school boy tricks 16. Killing the Golden Goose 17. People love us to be sexy 18. The manure is worth more than the cattle 19. They were big in the States and we noted that 20. I’m still aggressive and I’m still handing out the insults 21. A new style of lunatic humour 22. The Habitat-bean-bag-hessian-wallpaper brigade 23. Thoroughly sinful 24. All carrots should be scraped, sliced and cooked 25. Back then it was radical stuff 26. Whatever they do, we can do it better 27. You'll have to take us as you find us 28. Entertainment that keeps on the move 29. It's the public that has to pay 30. The last we saw of either of them was their sad faces 31. Just shoot the bastard 32. Britain could clearly be facing its darkest hour 33. Any enthusiasm we may have had for continuing discussions is waning 34. It was considered by LWT and then put in a bottom drawer 35. Watch the redoubtable Terry take off 36. I thought it might be terrible and I wouldn’t enjoy it at all 37. Kamikaze Mastermind 38. We haven’t moved into luxury 39. We are investing in people 40. Delivered impeccably 41. He has to allow you to do your bit 42. All the anticipation of the great emotive point 43. If you want Russ Abbot to do it, then you have to accept me and my ideas 44. Let’s get straight into this 45. Unedifying Greed 46. We’ve got the fucking lot! 47. Scope for humour and danger 48. Pure Megablast 49. There’s lots of killing, but not much else 50. I wanted to make sure it was going to be disastrous 51. Oh dear – Auntie’s playing bingo! 52. A Shrivelled Little Thing 53. I shouldn’t have accepted it 54. We would be the spoilsports 55. The Most Sexless Person In Television 56. They’d have strung me up if I hadn’t chosen him 57. Is there some way to play with the internal constituent parts? 58. The most important entertainment programme of my time 59. The plumply pretty female duo 60. The audience just sort of started to freeze on him 61. More pilots than British Airways 62. There's going to come a time when you'll have to go to the BBC 63. A slightly pretentious manifesto 64. Things Look Very Precarious 65. It’s no good doing all the same old people all the time 66. That’s just not funny Bobby, it's corny - just don’t do that 67. Well bottom’s not funny 68. We Are The Funnymen 69. The powers that be listened to Denis 70. Stretchers never go up stairs 71. I was in obscurity until this series 72. I don’t care if he doesn’t like me 73. There’s such a passion for nostalgia right now 74. I Heard A Seat In The Stalls Go ‘Gerdonk!' 75. This is your show, folks, and I do mean you 76. There’s good news for perplexed fans of 3-2-1! 77. Taking on Blind Date would be a real challenge 78. You wanna bet on it? 79. The yarns worked their tried and tested magic 80. The Charge-And-Shout Brigade 81. I sat for a moment in silence, then turned in my chair and left the stage 82. We just weren't allowed into UK terrestrial television 83. Beadle’s A Prick 84. The interviewer always has to know when it's best to keep his or her mouth shut 85. Can you come up with a good solution for the Murder Weekend mystery? 86. He's not a goody- goody hero 87. The Sexism, The Dolly Birds, The Catchphrases 88. The feel of Saturday night 89. 1990 Who would employ an ex-alky with lowered self-esteem 90. It were a right smack in the face 91. Look Straight Into My Eyes And Everything Will Be Alright, That's A Promise 92. That's the last thing I was expecting, Jim 93. The characters and situations are real 94. Oh Man, There Go All My Women Fans 95. A Double Order of Talent 96. If there is an air of spontaneity about it, it’ll be genuine 97. NTV brings you ... empty rooms! 98. You’re BBC, you shouldn’t be here 99. If this doesn’t work out, we’re both snookered! 100. The humour of Beadle comes through humiliating people! 101. To allow such bilge on TV is an insult to the audience 102. Like a cup of cold sick 103. A litre of gin, ecstasy and crack cocaine 104. A reliable tent pole for Saturday evenings 105. It is in the cutlery drawer 106. Welcome to the new Saturday night 107. Congratulations, you have got the fucking Gen Game 108. The programme has done extremely badly and will be dropped after this series 109. Building the excitement and tension to a crescendo 110. He gives us our spirit of unity; we’d all like to strangle him 111. The worst programme currently on terrestrial television 112. I award the city state of Milton Keynes 100 credits! 113. There’s nothing that makes people scream, ‘Did you see that?’ 114. It was of a standard frankly well below what the public would want 115. Waxing An Ape Is My Ambition 116. Don’t Get Mad, Get Even 117. The penalty shoot-out is the greatest ever endgame 118. 200 black boxes are strapped to the back of a cross-section of the nation 119. Better For You, Better For All Of Us 120. I mean who on earth thought that was a good idea? 121. I’m sure the tune was in there somewhere 122. This Time, You Decide 123. King of trash, that’s me 124. It’s about rejection now 125. They lost what Popstars was all about 126. Win the ads 127. A name in search of a series 128. Getting grief from the papers 129. I’m so pleased to be back on television 130. Saturday nights haven't been this interesting for 10 years 131. It’s the Usual Nonsense 132. The trip of a lifetime Epilogue: Why Haven't You Written a Series of Articles on Tuesday Night Telly?

As the annual TV Times Magazine Top 10 Awards reared its head, readers were asked once again to ponder upon their favourite broadcasters and programmes. The 1983 awards meant choosing between Richard Chamberlain’s performance in the American mini-series Shogun, Mel Smith’s turn in Muck and Brass and Bernard Hill’s portrayal of Yosser Hughes in Boys From the Blackstuff (the nominees for best actor). Meanwhile conversationalists Alan Whicker, Russell Harty, and David Frost would again fight it out to see who could come second to Terry Wogan in the favourite personality section.

1983 would see the introduction of a favourite US TV star award in recognition of the recent popularity of imported action drama series, and in this inaugural competition there would be a three-way battle for supremacy between Bruce Boxleitner (Bring ‘Em Back Alive), Tom Selleck (Magnum) and Lee Majors (The Fall Guy). The short list in the laughter section was perhaps the longest and most eclectic of all. The regulars – Benny Hill and Kenny Everett – were expected to do well, but so to was magician Paul Daniels and newcomers Jasper Carrott, Victoria Wood and Paul Hogan. Tracey Ullman, David Copperfield and Lenny Henry had achieved popularity as Three of a Kind and were separately or collectively many people’s tip for the award. Conspicuous by their absence though, were another comedy trio.

The Goodies’ success in the 1970s was manifest, however their television downfall is an illustration of the perils of cross-channel defection. First broadcast on BBC2 on Sunday 8 November 1970 at 10pm, The Goodies’ (Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie)initial series drew in a respectable audience of three million. Its loose situation comedy concept of “We are the Goodies … we do good to people” was in keeping with the programme’s ramshackle plots and combination of physical and verbal comedy. Throughout the early 1970s the series gradually grew its audience (although never becoming successful enough to graduate to BBC1), picking up a Silver Rose in the 1972 Montreaux television festival. However the show’s popularity exploded in 1975, when it was moved from early Saturday evenings to 9pm on Fridays. While incurring the wrath of younger viewers, the ratings shot up from three to 10 million viewers.

Strangely though, the Goodies relationship with the BBC was never very comfortable. Irrevocable cracks appeared in 1977 when the trio found themselves in conflict with the BBC over an episode in the seventh series – “Rock Goodies”. The corporation felt the spoof on the emerging punk movement was beyond the bounds of good taste and demanded cuts, which the Goodies strenuously resisted. Just one week later though, the two factions were at it again as the BBC got cold feet over a script lampooning the Royal Family. The episode, “Royal Command”was delayed to ensure its broadcast did not coincide with a visit to hospital made by Princess Anne.

Three years were to pass before the eighth (and final BBC) series of The Goodies was broadcast. The corporation’s attitude towards the trio remained as standoffish as ever. On the one hand, the BBC denied them any additional money for special effects, yet on the other it held the three to a non-playing contract, effectively barring anyone else from coming in to secure their talents. At the conclusion of the series, the Goodies and the BBC finally became locked into a fully-fledged conflict – one from which there could be no happy resolution. The corporation had committed to producing a big budget television version of the successful radio comedy The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. “The importance of that Douglas Adams’ epic has been somewhat blown out of proportion in the eyes of fans of The Goodies looking for conspiracy theories,” concludes writer Robert Ross of the Goodies eventual defection to ITV. “True, Hitch Hiker’s bit deeply into the BBC’s effects budgets, but Mary Whitehouse complaints and a new breed of comedians quickly usurped the established guard and made the corporation less than keen to renew the trio’s contracts … Besides that, Bill and Graeme were both going through bitter, expensive divorces and needed money quickly”.

Aware of the trio’s growing disgruntlement, LWT tempted them with the promise of a three-year contract, more money and talk of a film. In retrospect, transferring a weekday BBC2 comedy programme onto Saturday primetime ITV was a risky move. However, for a while, The Goodies worked in a mainstream niche slot. Although recorded last, “Snow White 2”(a 25-minute Christmas special) was the Goodies first ITV broadcast. “We haven’t moved into luxury,” reported Bob Spiers, director of their last BBC series and the ITV Christmas special. “As it turned out, we have produced more economical shows. The Goodies are still the same. Viewers needn’t expect any changes, but I’m bound to say I think the new series is the funniest they have done. I think they have reached a very high standard.”

Recording for the Christmas special was fraught, with one stunt in which the Goodies force the seven dwarfs’ house to collapse by standing up in it, creating particular problems. “We had iron bars to support the cottage,” remembers Spiers. “But in one of those incredibly unlucky accidents no one can foresee, the bars swung loose when the roof collapsed, struck the comedians and nearly knocked them out. It was certainly the closest brush with disaster I have seen with them.” “I really thought my number was up,” added Brooke-Taylor. “I have survived all manner of stunts, including dashing away from a Buster Keaton-type situation when a house collapsed, but this time I was really frightened.”

In promoting their first ITV series, Brooke-Taylor, like Spiers, stressed the Goodies’ decision to abandon the BBC was for creative not financial reasons. “It was because of planning problems,” he explained. “We take at least a year to write a series. I know most channel switches are due to money, but not in our case. We are not greedy. We simply want to do our show in the way we love!” Such talk bode well for the trio’s first ITV series, and things got off to a great start when The Goodies first proper ITV episode (“Robot”broadcast on January 9 1982) achieved the trio’s highest ever ratings.

Things went downhill from there. Whether it was due to the comparatively early scheduling of the series (each episode was broadcast at 6.45pm on Saturday evenings), or more painfully, that the Goodies had passed their sell by date, audiences deserted them in droves, and the executives at LWT began to wonder (as the BBC had before them) why they were investing so much money in a “kid’s show”. Morecambe and Wise had conspicuously failed to repeat their previous ratings success over at ITV when they’d first switched and prior to reuniting with their scriptwriter Eddie Braben (who had initially elected to stay with the BBC) the duo had looked in serious danger of bombing completely.

Happily for Morecambe and Wise, they were able to retain some of their old popularity and hold at bay the inevitable ravages of time (and comedy fashion). In truth though, their ITV series were much like The Goodies’ – over-rehearsed and over-polished. The Goodies position became untenable and at the end of 1982, Michael Grade made the decision to cancel the show. After just one Christmas special and six episodes, The Goodies’ ITV excursion was over, and having burnt bridges with the BBC, there was nowhere left for the trio to go. They were victims of ITV’s ongoing jealousy of the BBC, and of Michael Grade’s staunch belief that to beat the corporation you had to use its own stars against it.

Next Monday: We are investing in people