TV Cream

TV: D is for...

Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds

"Think you can slice that apple faster than me? Think again you curr!" [grunting and moaning sound of dog-man scything through fruit that instead sounds like someone wanking][cref 545 WILLY FOG] might have been testing the limits of literary credibility somewhat, but reworking seminal age-old Musketeer myth as rotten roustabout involving dogs, cats, pigs and bears was taking the fucking piss. The same culprits (BRB INTERNATIONAL) wreaked the same havoc here, to wit: dopey American-esque catchphrases (Dogtanian: “Huh?”); shitty animation (Dogtanian “jogging” up and down endlessly during the credits, codpiece waggling in the breeze like a windsock); stupid sidekicks written in for non-comic purpose (a mouse); more shitty animation (slicing an apple into segments mid-air); cats wearing lipstick (Dogtanian’s bit on the side, M’Lady); dogs wearing lipstick (Juliet); dogs dropping flowerpots on other dogs heads as punishment for sleeping around; dastardly villain with sparkling eyes to remind dim-witted viewer of baddie credentials (Cardinal Richelieu); badly dubbed English voiceovers which had to speak in double quick time to fit words into original Spanish mouths; and deeply deeply deeply fucking irritating theme song which seemingly went on for fucking hours. About 450 episodes long. And still they kept on coming: see [cref 3085 THE MYSTERIOUS CITIES OF GOLD].



  1. Lee James Turnock

    May 25, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    TV Cream could see how awful it was, I could see how awful it was, yet just about all the dimwits at my school(s) loved it and never missed an episode. Whenever I tried to turn them onto superior MGM / Warner Bros fare (which you could watch later the same evening thanks to Uncle Rolf), they sneered and said “Oh, THOSE cartoons are for BABIES”. I do not ask for your sympathy. I simply ask for future generations to be spared this crap.

  2. Richard Davies

    October 25, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    It got a bit deja-vu after a while with Juliet being kidnapped every other episode by Cardinal Richelieu underlings.

  3. Palimpsest

    July 17, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Something… Dogtanian being seduced by a lingerie wearing cat disguised as a monk? And a villain who kept slicing the wings of bats. My memory fails me.

  4. David

    June 13, 2016 at 9:42 pm

    Great show and it was on itv not Bec I never watch bbc so I know had a brief rpt on 5 in late 90s

  5. linalmeemow

    July 26, 2016 at 10:27 pm

    Nope, BBC. I never watch ITV so I know.

    I also check my facts before making an arse of myself on the internet:{30e2395aaf6397fd02d2c79d91a1fe7cbb73158454674890018aee9c53a0cb96}3A00&tt=00{30e2395aaf6397fd02d2c79d91a1fe7cbb73158454674890018aee9c53a0cb96}3A00#search

  6. Joanne Gray

    February 10, 2017 at 10:23 pm

    It was definitely BBC because each episode got a revered build up from whoever was on duty in the Broom Cupboard. Yes, it was crap Euro trash, but it made such an impression on my mind that when the BBC screened their recent Musketeers series, I had to refer to D’Atartagnan as “Dogtanian” when bitching about the show online with my bestie.

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