What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…
(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)
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TV CREAM TIMES
7th – 13th December 2002
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Always here – Phil Norman, Chris Diamond
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Saturday 7th December
BBC1
08.00 Looney Tunes
So let’s get it out of the way, then – Jack Wild isn’t American, he was born in Manchester. Doh. So let’s hope this week’s Creamguide has a 100% success rate, eh? That said, there doesn’t seem to be that much to get wrong…
BBC2
15.10 The Man Who Never Was
We haven’t seen this in ages and had convinced ourselves that John Mills was in it, but of course, he isn’t – which is rather a shock. Was he busy at the time? Anyway, it’s another outing for the plot that demonstrated that the top brass could be devilish cunning when they decided to try and detract attention from the landings in Sicily by letting a body wash up near enemy lines with fake papers attached. With Andre ‘Quatermass’ Morell, Cyril Cusack, Michael ‘How does he do that?’ Hordern, Miles Malleson,Allan Cuthbertson and Joan ‘I’ve left my washing machine on’ Hickson involved, it can’t go wrong, and it doesn’t. Top hole.
21.05 Fame, Set and Match
This series seems to have been on forever, doesn’t it? Anyway, this week it’s five of the stars of Band Aid – to wir, Bob (of course), Sting, Gary and Martin ‘Yesssss, go on Kempy!!’ Kemp and Boy George. For shame, no Glenn Gregory. Oh, and of course the video – featuring a can of Squirt, of course – was premiered on BBC1 at 6.55pm on a Thursday night, cutting five minutes off Top of the Pops. Why didn’t they just show it on Top of the Pops?
22.35 The Anti-Establishment Club
“One moment, Mr Levin, could you stand up?” Forty years ago the BBC’s flagship satire programme was a live, no-holds-barred programme made by the current affairs department and including one of the presenters getting punched live on air. Now the BBC’s flagship satire show is Jon Culshaw reheating George Bush Senior jokes as George W Bush jokes. In this show David Frost, Millicent Martin and Ned Sherrin all get back together to swap anecdotes, and Jeremy Vine introduces a retrospective of those Levin interviews.
ITV
02.00 Forever
‘Gone… Forever’ is the title, devoted to one-hit wonders. But they’ve got it all wrong, cos there’s Chesney Hawkes (don’t they remember I’m A Man Not A Boy?! It got to number 27!) and Doctor and the Medics (don’t they remember Waterloo with Roy Wood?! It’s on Now 8, with the sleevenotes predicting it was bound to be a smash!). No problem with Deep Blue Something, mind.
CHANNEL 4
22.15 Kylie Entirely
They’d never have done anything like this about three years ago, would they? This is basically another Top Ten, and as such is ninety minutes long, but it’s entirely devoted to tracing La Minogue’s career, which is basically – fantastically inspired pop records with lyrics nicked from greeting cards, fantastically inspired pop records with lyrics nicked from old records, slightly half-arsed contractual obligation stuff (Word Is Out, Finer Feelings), pleasant but a bit soulless dancey stuff, fantastic indie stuff like Some Kind of Bliss and Did It Again which is brilliant despite what idiot pundits say, and then fantastically inspired pop records with virtually no lyrics. ‘How anyone cannot see that’s brilliant beats me!’
23.50 INXS: Never Tear Us Apart
Michael Hutchence will probably have been in the preceding programme as well, and now here he is again in this tribute to a band who always seemed to us to desperately want to be U2. Except Need You Tonight is about ten times better than anything they did, really. Includes ‘reports about the new lead singer’, as if they were keeping him under a blanket or something.
CHANNEL 5
23.55 The Last Picture Show
You’re not allowed to call yourself a ‘movie buff’, of course, if you don’t think Peter Bogdanovitch’s meditative study of post-war smalltown coming of age is one of the best films ever made, so it’s just as well we don’t. It’s still pretty good, though, mainly down to an excellent non-star cast (Bottoms, Bridges, Burstyn, Leachman, Shephard, the venerable Ben Johnson et al), some excellent b&w photography and, well, Creamguide’s just as sentimental as the next feller when it comes to old times. See you in a year or two, if we don’t get shot.
02.05 All That Jazz
Quality cinema back-to-back on Channel Five? We’re going to have to have a lie down. Something Roy Scheider might well be advised to take here, as the all-singing, all-dancing, all-choreographing, all Lenny Bruce-biopic-editing, all-womanising, all-pill-popping protagonist of Bob ‘Cabaret’ Fosse’s all-self-loathing autobiographical musical. Top quality set pieces and brilliant editing, but it’s essentially a jaded man throwing sugar-coated cynicism about showbiz at the screen one minute and kitchen sink wallowing in self-pity the next (the final, drawn-out deathbed fantasy would seem beyond the pale if you didn’t know Fosse had kicked it for real a few years later), so not one for those who don’t like their musicals any ‘darker’ than 42nd Street.
05.10 Sons and Daughters
This’ll be the comedown, then. On Friday too.
Sunday 8th December
BBC1
20.00 Sports Personality of the Year
Gnngh, it’s Sports *Review*, BBC, get it right! This is, of course, normally the first sign that Christmas is coming (and indeed the Xmas RT should be out by now, as well) but it’s not been the same since they got rid of the Little Bit Of Fun. If they’d done that this year we’d almost certainly have had a curling match in the studio, with Steve Rider going ‘Where’s Audley?’ – we’re right, aren’t we? BBCi, of course, still has complete shows to download, at http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport/hi/english/static/in_depth/ special_features/sports_personality/default.stm (piece together that URL), including the 1985 beano, which includes the World Cup Draw, and the 1970 show which comes from the BBC Television Theatre and looks a bit like Crackerjack.
ITV
15.10 Willow
Tremendous fantasy fare, just in time to get us all ready for Christmas; with a bit of luck Dragonslayer will be on too. The premise is a bit shaky and the finale is a bit of a let down, but on the other hand it does star – and in the proper sense of the word an’ all – Patricia Hayes. Also here is Billy Barty and Pat ‘Bomber don’t like that’ Roach. And a bit of casting synchronicity (ooooh!) for fact fans: it also stars Gavan O’Herlihy who was the soon-forgotten Chip, big brother to Richie, played by Ron Howard who directed this.
CHANNEL 4
06.10 Ivor The Engine
We’d sort of assumed C4 had dropped the early morning Creamy shows.
14.35 Eye of the Needle
The rule is, if it stars Donald ‘Oddball’ Sutherland, it must be good…usually. But since Christopher Cazenove is involved we’re not so sure and we’re finding it a little difficult to remember much about this at all. It’s a cert that it features Sutherland in a trenchcoat a lot of the time, and woolly polo necks are probably involved, too but then we could say that about most Sutherland films.
21.00 Seven Days That Shook Coronation Street
This is supposed to examine scandals that took place behind the cobbles at Corrie, although don’t expect it to dig much dirt because it’s made by Granada in any case. Among the seven moments we’ve got Brian ‘Nirab’ Park’s 1997 revamp, the Lynne Perrie story (which to be honest is a bit depressing) and the start of EastEnders, and we’re hoping for some Albion Market clips in that bit.
CHANNEL 5
14.55 The Fiendish Plot of Dr Fu Manchu
Ropey, ‘troubled’, bizarre-in-the-worst-way last hurrah from Peter Sellers, who plays both Sax Rohmer’s titular mastermind (in latex make-up and corny accent) and his dashing, lawnmower-loving British nemesis (in grey wig and incoherent aristocratic mumbles). He does both very badly indeed, but then he was not a well man, either physically (the ailing Fu jump-starts himself with electric shocks, in a grisly echo of Sellers’s own cardiac traumas) or mentally (the ever-difficult star sacked director Piers Haggard half way through, and finished it off himself, hence the resulting mess that takes “being all over the shop” into a new dimension). A wasted supporting cast includes Helen Mirren, David ‘tuppence’ Tomlinson, a totally out of place Sid ‘Show of Shows’ Caesar, a Dad’s Army double of John Le Mesurier and Clive Dunn, and Burt Kwouk in an obvious Panther-referencing cameo at the start. From then on, it’s a mish-mash of fizzling sub-plots, misfiring gags (and huge stretches without any recognisable gags, or indeed anything happening at all), much gratuitous ‘delightfully un-PC’ racism, and some admittedly rather good set design, all culminating in Sellers doing a totally pointless Japanese Elvis routine that would have Simon Groom slapping his ample forehead in disbelief. As with Peter Cook and Supergirl, remember the man any way but this.
Monday 9th December
BBC1
17.00 Blue Peter
Whaaaaat? Last Monday’s programme saw them lighting the first candle on the advent crown, which they erroneously claimed they’ll do ‘for the four *weeks* leading up until Christmas’ – despite showing a clip later in the show of Val saying they did it on the four *programmes* before Christmas. They did, of course, redeem themselves a bit later by getting Val to make it with Simon (which she claimed was the first time she’d ever done so) but if you’re going to start messing about with this, what next? They’ll stop showing the shiny Blue Peter logo at the end of the Christmas show next.
00.15 Urban Cowboy
A wilderness years John Travolta moseys into town, picks up Debra Winger, and launches into every line-dancing, bull-riding, country-twanging Big Shirtless Ron-ism you can think of. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s also Jerry ‘Baaahvril’ Hall.
BBC2
07.10 The Raccoons
This is on every morning at this time. If you’d like to know.
22.00 I’m Alan Partridge
‘3.35, Thunderball, dump – question mark!’
CHANNEL 4
06.00 The Magic Roundabout
But clearly they haven’t.
13.35 Yangtse Incident
True tale of British WWII warship illegally impounded by fiendish communist Chinese, with William Hartnell, Barry ‘Van Der’ Foster, Sam ‘Orlando’ Kydd and Kenneth ‘Marty’ Cope.
05.55 The Clangers
As you can see.
CHANNEL 5
11.00 Magnum PI
Zzzzz.
14.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
Now how can Steve Wright be a guest today when he’s on the radio? And what’s he got to promote anyway? Another Sunday Love Songs album? Actually, walking down Oxford Street one afternoon at ten past five a few months back, Creamguide found itself crossing the road next to Wright, so he doesn’t hang around after his show, does he?
15.35 The Wrong Man
Any excuse for Henry Fonda as far as we’re concerned – apart from My Name Is No-one, which we’ve never been able to understand any of – and this is a good ‘un in this Hitchcock story of a man accused of a crime he did not commit. With Anthony ‘condemned veal’ Quayle.
17.30 Five News
This is clearly the only time this programme’ll ever get in Creamguide, because it’s Classic Reporting week, where each night a different veteran hack files a feature. First up today it’s Sandy Gall heading back to Afghanistan, then it’s Angela Rippon on art, Mike Brunson on Parliament, Martin Bell in Bosnia and Carol Barnes on crime. Course, they also reckoned a few months back they were going to sign up Kate Adie, although we’re unsure whether she’d want to move from the home of Panorama and Correspondent to the home of Hairy Women and Dwarves In Showbiz.
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I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING
In honour of Boris Johnson’s fantastic hosting of last week’s Have I Got News For You (“Read it out, Boris!”) which got Creamguide laughing at the programme for the first time in several years, this week’s Top Ten celebrates the art of the stand-in. We’re looking at the times when an unfamiliar face has appeared in the presenter’s chair, with results ranging from the inspired to the frankly awful.
1) RICHARD WHITMORE
This is your textbook guest presenter business. Back in the early years of Newsround, there were no Paul McDowells or Lucy Mathens to fill in if John Craven couldn’t make it, so when his wife went into labour, the production team had to scout around to find someone to stand in. Brilliantly, the only person available was actual proper newsreader Richard Whitmore, which is great because you’d never get Peter Sissons doing the programme today, would you? Obviously, John was the main story on the programme, the bulletin beginning with a still shot of John which, we reckon, actually makes it look a bit like he’d died or something. Rich wasn’t always welcome, though, and got a bit disillusioned with life at the Beeb later in his career when Nicholas Witchell was ill and couldn’t read the Six O’Clock News and Rich, who was in the building already, volunteered to stand in. Alas, he was told they didn’t want him to, and they dragged in Andrew Harvey from home instead.
2) MIKE SMITH
Smitty once filled in for an ill Mike Read on Saturday Superstore around 1983, included here because a) it was that episode we keep on going on about when there was a scene-shifters’ strike and they had to do it from the Play School studio, and b) it was less grating than the occasions when he overslept and missed his Radio 1 show, and newsreader Andrew Turner was his replacement.
3) CAROL DECKER
Shrewsbury’s Queen of Rock was roped in to co-present when T’Pau guested on one of the editions of Going Live immediately after Sarah Greene’s helicopter crash. The accident happened during the summer break, and when the series returned in October 1988, the first show included a live outside broadcast from La Greene’s hospital bed, where she was serenaded by The Proclaimers, in what Craig and Charlie later described as the worst thing they’d ever done on television. Of course, Going Live also required guest presenters when Pip’s Joseph commitments meant he couldn’t come in until 10am. Kristian Schmid was supposed to be the full-time replacement, but he couldn’t get a work permit and only appeared on one show. For the rest of the run, stand-ins included Robbie Williams, Jason Donovan and, worst of all, Brookside’s Danny McCall who made the unforgivable error of forgetting Gordon the Gopher’s name – just referring to “The Gopher”, the idiot.
4) BOB MONKHOUSE
As a five-days-a-week, 52-weeks-a-year operation, The Big Breakfast was in greater need of guest presenters than virtually every other show, especially when Chris Evans went part-time to do Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush. Danny Baker was, without a doubt, the best stand-in of the lot, but the week in 1993 when Lord Bob of Monkhouse was in charge was great fun as well, mostly for when he had to anchor Zig and Zag’s Christmas Khazis, the section of the show when viewers sent in festively-decorated toilet seats. Of course, Bob later nominated his spell on the show to be placed in Room 101… mostly for when he had to anchor Zig and Zag’s Christmas Khazis. As Nick Hancock said “It must be difficult to hold a show together when Zig’s putting his head through a toilet seat and going ‘raaargh!'”
5) MANDY SMITH
However for every Baker and Monkhouse that sat in front of the French windows, there were another half dozen useless BB guest hosts which just managed to prove what a tough format it was to do properly. Often it seemed as if the producers had just looked to see who was in the papers at the moment, regardless of whether they had any presentational ‘talent’. Among the worst were Frank Bruno, Tim Vincent and Dannii Minogue, but possibly the worst was Smith, who brought virtually nothing to the show bar an irritating toothy smile and a load of fluffed lines. Also fitting into this category was the hiring of “wild child” Emma Ridley during the last, desperate days of The Roxy – where she said virtually nothing except “Woo! I’m a bit of a wild child!” over and over again.
6) ROY CASTLE
Nowadays Brucie seems happy to record a whole series of one of his shows in about five minutes then bugger off to play golf the rest of the year, but it wasn’t always thus. Back in the 70s, each episode of the Generation Game was recorded just a few days before transmission – though exactly why, we’re not sure. In any case, one week Brucie was too ill to do the show, so the great Roy Castle stepped in instead, and unlike most people in this list, did a really good job of it from the extracts we’ve seen. That can’t be said of Brucie’s next stand-in when he couldn’t make a show in 1994 – Jim Davidson stepped in, and we all know what happened next.
7) “CRAAAAAZY MOBY!”
It’s at this point we’d like to pay tribute to the bizarre guest-booking policy of former Top of the Pops producer Ric Blaxill, who in the three years he was in charge of the show seemed to get virtually everyone on telly to do a stint holding the gold mikes. The idea was ‘to make the bits between the records as unpredictable as the rest of the show’, and at the start, people like Jarvis ‘I hate Wet Wet Wet’ Cocker and Reeves and Mortimer did seem to add a bit of an edge. However, with a new presenter each week, the well of amusing but credible hosts ran dry rather quickly. Blaxill’s last month in charge saw such people as Noddy Holder, Phil Daniels, Lulu and Rhona Cameron appear, a bizarre combination and not really any more exciting than Mark Goodier or Simon Mayo. Possibly Blaxill’s worst booking was, ludicrously, Radio Four fave Jeremy Hardy, though we still shudder at the memory of the episode where Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Mark Williams and John Thomson appeared as various Fast Show characters. Unsurprisingly, the routines fell a little flat in front of a hundred teenage girls who just wanted to see Peter Andre’s chest. Best guest presenter – Ardal O’Hanlon, if only for ‘At number two, it’s Beetlebum by Pavement.’
8) DEBBIE FLINT
“Hellooooo!” That was her catchphrase, and in 1986 she was only the second ever occupant of the Broom Cupboard while Phil took six weeks off to present Take Two – though quite how a 25-minute, studio-based programme consisting basically of clips takes a whole week to film is beyond us. She wasn’t very good, to be honest, and was soon replaced by Andy Crane. However both, of course, now make the majority of their TV appearances on shopping channels.
9) ANNABEL CROFT
“Where’s Annie?” Replacing Anneka on Treasure Hunt was always going to be a hard task, as Suzi Perry is just about to find out. Annabel just wasn’t up to the job, but you note that she was always referred to in the credits as “Guest Presenter” – as if to assure us that she was only a temporary measure. Which she was, if only as the programme was axed soon after.
10) KEVIN GREENING
Finally, stamping on Radio Cream Times’ toes a bit, but we can’t let a piece on stand-ins go without recalling our all time favourite. It was 20th January 1997 when John Revell phoned up Clive Warren at 5am and told him that neither he, Chris Evans, nor the rest of the breakfast show team were coming in to Radio 1 ever again. So Andy Parfitt got Kevin Greening out of bed and brought him to play records and read out a prepared statement (“Due to circumstances beyond our control…”) over and over again. A truly brilliant piece of broadcasting, the best bit happened at the end when Kev, a fantastic and much-underrated DJ, handed over to Simon Mayo – “Did you have a good weekend?” “No comment.” “Did you enjoy the show?” “No comment.” “See you tomorrow?” “No comment.”
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Tuesday 10th December
BBC1
01.10 Fame, Set and Match
Beyond The Fringe again, this time with signing. We’re disappointed it doesn’t include any clips of Peter Cook’s Where Do I Sit, his notorious 1971 live chat show that was riddled with cock-ups and ‘controversial’ material, and though planned for twelve shows, was axed after three. Perhaps the BBC burnt them all in a fit of embarrassment.
BBC2
18.20 TOTP2
A Celine Dion special. Boooooring.
19.30 The Good Life
Incidentally, you may be interested to know that the Creamguide Office has now got digital terrestrial television, just eighteen months after Digi-Creamguide was launched. In fact, it’s not going to make much of a difference because there isn’t much of Cream-related interest on TV Travel Shop or The Community Channel (which of course we’ve yet to see because it’s only transmitting between 3am and 5.30am). And we may like Fame Academy, but not enough to sit through two hours a night. Indeed, what we’re most excited about is the fact that the aerial upgrade we needed means we can now pick up Central again, which we haven’t been able to do for ages. Oh, what fun we all do have.
ITV
21.50 The Frank Skinner Show
Exactly why they can’t show this weekly, like 99% of television programmes, is perhaps something only David Liddiment can explain. We’ve gone off this anyway, cos the guests have got too famous and get proper interviews, which is wrong.
CHANNEL 4
13.20 Campbell’s Kingdom
Worth watching just to see Sid James play a Canadian. We shall now line up the other reasons to watch this film: John ‘doooomed’ Laurie, Dirk ‘Sparrow’ Bogarde, Stanley Baker and James ‘bleeding time’ Robertson Justice.
CHANNEL 5
15.35 With Six You Get Eggroll
Doris Day’s last film, by no means worth watching unless you’re keen to see a pre-M*A*S*H conjunction of Jamie ‘Klinger’ Farr and William ‘Father Mulcahy’ Christopher.
Wednesday 11th December
BBC1
17.00 Blue Peter
Actually, although it’s still billed as being on at five o’clock, it now seems to have been swapped with CBBC at the Fame Academy and thus begins at the Creamy time of 16.55. Today it’s Simon’s second report from the Solomon Islands, based on an idea by BP film director Alex Ledger, who appears to have been there since the year dot.
BBC2
18.20 TOTP2
The best thing about last week’s episodes were that all the performances seemed to come from Christmas shows, including Kylie performing in 1990 in front of a hideous plastic snowman, and the Maisonettes in 1982 – but they only got to number seven! It’s as good a cue as any to point out that our fave website, TOTPTastic (http://members.lycos.co.uk/totptastic/index.html) has been updated with clips from most of the Christmas shows, including 1980 which is, bizarrely, fronted by Jim’ll and Powell *sitting on chairs* in a completely empty studio. Well, we find it interesting, more so than tonight’s line-up, which only promises the new Rolling Stones video and Dionne Warwick from the other week.
ITV
23.55 Marnie
Icy blondes and Sean Connery. Ho-hum.
C4
10.35 Edge of Eternity
Entertaining crime hokum with Colorado sheriff Cornel ‘Big Combo’ Wilde on the trail of a birdshit-related murderer, leading to an ace vertiginous final showdown at the Grand Canyon.
13.30 The Gift Horse
Once you read the cast list (relevant persons only) below for Out of the Clouds you may begin to wonder, gentle reader, as we have, if we are not in the middle of a secret seson of films starring all the same people, as this also stars James Robertson Justice, Bernard Lee and Sid James. And earlier of course, Campbell’s Kingdom had Sid James and James Robertson Justice an’ all. It’s all very strange, but comfortably diverts us from the fact that we know nothing about The Gift Horse.
CHANNEL 5
20.00 Animals on Film
A documentary about, er, animals on film, presented by Vicki Butler-Henderson, who after leaving the Beeb appears to be fronting everything on Channel Five, along with Quentin Willson. Were the Top Gear team so expensive that they can’t afford any other presenters?
Thursday 12th December
BBC1
23.35 Best Seller
Brian Dennehy is a cop who also writes books – which obviously aren’t very good or he wouldn’t still be on the beat surely? – and James Woods is a hit man who has been turned away by his boss, presumably for losing his touch, or summit. So neither is very good, seemingly, but they are set out to hatch a thrilling and clever plan. They haven’t really thought this through, have they? Not bad, though.
ITV
22.30 Harry Hill’s TV Burp
‘Isn’t it funny how people end up looking like their lightswitches?’ Last week’s Mr Right sketch was fantastic as well, cos we didn’t need to have watched the series to find it hilarious – rather fortunately for Harry, as indeed nobody had watched the series. And it showed off the brilliant comedy talents of Dawna ‘Life Laundry’ Walter, as well.
REGIONALIA!
23.30 Rock Legends (Central only)
This week’s edition looks at The Specials and 2-Tone in general, which was first shown last Christmas and indeed ends with narrator Noddy Holder announcing ‘It’s Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaas’, which we’d have thought would rather limit its repeat outings in the future. And what have The Specials got to do with Christmas anyway? A Message To You Rudy was not about the reindeer, was it? Anyway, the best bit is The Beat doing Stand Down Margaret on Tiswas (Stand Down Margaret!? On Tiswas!?) in 1980, with Lenny as Algernon on backing vocals, and halfway through the clip Tarrant gets hoisted up to the studio roof to set off various party poppers and the like, except he makes most of the journey upside down as the hoist is clearly tied around his stomach. Why has that not turned up on any of the ‘was videos, then?
CHANNEL 4
10.10 The Man Between
If you’ll forgive us a shallow observation about a cinematic giant, what was it with Carol Reed and the word “Man”? As well as The Third Man and Our Man in Havana, you had The Running Man, ace IRA magic-realist drama Odd Man Out with James ‘Mandingo’ Mason, and then this Berlin-set period piece, with Mason again as a troubled Wall-hopping businessman, who gives it all up for Claire ‘Illustrated Man’ Bloom. Some Third Man-ish photography, a very Odd Man Out-like ending, and Geoffrey ‘Freewheelers’ Toone are in there as well.
13.45 Out of the Clouds
One of the late-period Ealing drama series to cover a particular location or institution (eg. The Square Ring – boxing, Pool of London – the docks, The Rainbow Jacket – racing) via an ensemble cast and criss-crossing narratives. Here it’s Heathrow – sorry – London Airport, and as well as drinking in the evocative recreation of BOACland, you can augment the rather dull action wit h a round of spot-the-typecasting – James Robertson ‘bleeding time’ Justice (stalwart captain, of course), Sid James (oh look, he’s gambling!), Bernard ‘M’ Lee (“did you pack this bag yourself, 007?”) and Esma ‘Flo’ Cannon (no-one’s telling *her* how to behave!). William ‘Schhh!’ Franklyn and Terence ‘Bergerac’ Alexander are there too.
Friday 13th December
BBC1
17.00 Blue Peter
Including the last part of The Quest II, which in the end we’ve warmed to because virtually every past presenter ever has shown up in it, as has Derek Griffiths. But it’s not been as good as last year, cos Matt’s character has been a bit dull, and Simon’s been getting all the comedy bits – including that all-important drag sequence. Perhaps they have a rota to avoid one of them hogging the frocks.
01.15 The Creeping Flesh
“The serum!” The ever-reliable BBC horror slot rolls on apace with this much-loved Tigon classic from the esteemed Freddie ‘Skull’ Francis. Peter Cushing is a stereotypical waistcoat-and-quizzical-eyebrow Victorian scientist, just back from New Guinea with a freshly-unearthed skeleton, which appears to regenerate its flesh at will. Soon his dodgy asylum-owning brother Christopher Lee (natch) becomes involved, and after much old school experimenting they decide it’s good old Pure Evil. Cue Cushing’s confused attempts to inject his daughter with a serum made from the bones, her learning that her mum (Jenny ‘Jubilee’ Runacre) was a mentally unstable Folies Bergeres dancer, a subsequent encounter with the embodiment of evil (all black capeage and gopping eyesockets) and a fantastic “descent into London’s seedy underworld” montage sequence. With Michael ‘Butterflies’ Ripper, Marianne Stone and Alexandra ‘woman in slimming belt machine that goes mad when Jim Dale blows the fuses in Carry On Again, Doctor’ Dane.
BBC2
22.00 Porridge
Nicely scheduled in between the two parts of the Fame Academy final, and we’d like it to go on record that we’ve really enjoyed this series, because it’s loads more interesting than Popstars. Even if we have wasted 20p on voting for Ainslie twice, for all the bloody good that did. Mind you, it wasn’t until we saw this week’s RT that we remembered Chris and Ashley were even in it – and they’ve airbrushed Naomi out of the show’s history, too. Er, where were we?
00.15 The Cotton Club
We only really ever watched this as junior film reviewers because Herman Munster was in it, and to be honest, he’s still the only thing worth watching, especially as you watch longing for Richard Gere – who you’re supposed to like – to get whacked.
CHANNEL 4
10.25 Battle of the Coral Sea
Last seen on these shores on the 12th of August – “Cliff ‘overlooked’ Robertson is the PoW submarine captain outwitting his inscrutable Japanese captors at every turn. With Teru ‘You Only Live Twice’ Shimada as the camp commandant… or whatever they call them in Japan; Honourable Camp Commandant or something, unless American movies have lied to us,” as people used to say back then.
CHANNEL 5
14.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
With guest Robin Gibb. ‘I’d love to stay, but I don’t do impressions.’
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DIGI-CREAMGUIDE
“The bit at the back!” – Former Challenge TV Sub-Editor
* In fact the real reason we got Freeview is because Larry David’s new sitcom Curb Your Enthusiasm is coming soon, and it’s exclusive to BBC4. Not yet, though, and in the meantime the channel screens Simon Schama’s BBC History Lecture (Saturday, 21.05, Wednesday, 01.20) where he examines how the genre has been covered on television in the past, which we hope might be a bit like a Royal Institution Christmas Lecture. Later that night, straight after BBC2’s tribute finishes at 23.15, there’s a compilation of clips from That Was The Week That Was. Note that on Frost’s One On One the other week, they showed a clip where he was dressed as Disraeli, but didn’t explain it, so presumably we were supposed to think it was just typical sixties craziness. However Sunday’s Classic Years (20.00) is not, as we’d hoped, a TV version of Simon Mayo’s old Sunday morning Radio 1 show, but the National Orchestra of Wales performing. Bah.
* George Best’s getting a lifetime acheivement award on Sports *Review* of the Year on Sunday, and conveniently BBC Choice are devoting a night to him on Saturday. There’s Only One George Best is at 21.00, followed by Parkinson Meets Best at 22.00, though while the billing suggests it’s two interviews from the 1970s, it sounds a bit more like the one-off meeting from 1996’s BBC2 Best Night. At 22.30 it’s the Manchester United Football Family Tree, which is a Pete Frame-inspired jaunt through, mostly, the times they were crap, and then you can turn off at 23.20 cos it’s the Parky interview from last year with Posh and Becks on as well.
* And G+ get back in our good books, as as well as Wheeltappers (Chris Diamond: “There’s not much to say except that Granada Plus aren’t letting on who’s to be on as they have the same listing up as they did for a couple of weeks ago. So nothing to add except, watch it!” Saturday, 22.30) and The Comedians (Sunday, 22.30), we’ve also got Till Death Us Do Part (Saturday, 21.00) and daily Tommy Cooper (Monday-Friday, 19.30, 03.00). The New Statesman’s on Paramount (Monday-Thursday, 23.00), and Sky One repeat the 1992/3 Football Years on Monday at 22.00, and then start repeating TV Years on Wednesday at 22.00, beginning with 1992. Maconie’s on voice-over duties, and Theakston, Hemingway and Vegas are the pundits – the gang’s all here.
* UK Horizons have shown I Love The Seventies about a million times, and they’re on again – 1970-74 back-to-back on Saturday from 21.00, then 1975-79 the same time on Sunday. Fortunately, BBC2 are repeating the 80s series over Christmas, so they might stop soon. Also on Saturday at 21.30 ITV2 has the Countdown To The British Comedy Awards, which last year was fronted by Johnny Vegas in a pub, was quite fun, and went out on ITV1 as well. This year it’s fronted by Jack Dee and seems to be digital only – not that we’re moaning, you analogue-only scum.
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IS THIS IT?
Not long now until the bumper Christmas double Creamguide, and we’re already searching every newsagent within a thirty-mile radius to check if they’ve magically received any early copies of the Christmas Radio Times yet. While we wait, have your say on the billings above by heading off to Ask The Family, the TV Cream message board, at http://tv.cream.org. There’s also some new features on the site, too, plus the welcome return of the Real Top 100 Singles. **************************************
Doing It Til They Drop – Chris Hughes, Ian Jones, Simon Tyers
Sidney Balmoral James
December 9, 2022 at 1:26 pm
Hmm – just saw this: ‘In honour of Boris Johnson’s fantastic hosting of last week’s Have I Got News For You (“Read it out, Boris!”) which got Creamguide laughing at the programme for the first time in several years.’ Last time the word ‘fantastic’ was used in relation to Boris I suspect.