The Salkind brothers made this version starring Michael ‘Logan’ York as D’Artagnan, Richard ‘Island Son’ Chamberlain as Aramis, Frank ‘turkeys’ Finlay as...
Who else could rein in the conflicting primal forces of Selleck, Guttenberg and Danson but the cool, calculating Nimoy? Interesting thing, our...
"Goodbye, old frying pan..."
‘Like a circle in a spiral…’ It’s either Elaine Paige coming on after the second sketch in a Two Ronnies special or...
The 1978 effort starring Robert Powell as Richard Hannay getting framed for murder, uncovering a plot to kick-start World War I then...
In which Gus van Zandt pours Daddies sauce on a selection of hats after discovering he’d been beaten to the shot-for-shot-only-nowhere-near-as-good Hitchcock...
Peter Sellers is Robert Danvers, a vain, rotten telly personality not too unlike Wee Sonny MacGregor from The Naked Truth. Unfortunately, unlike...
You’ve got to love that mid-’70s fad for making films of sitcoms, even ones that, like this feuding funeral directors farce, weren’t...
Yep, it’s a Doris Day film again, of the sort shown on British TV with such frequency as to make British TV’s...
How come no-one mentions this film when debating the Precise Point Hollywood Films Went Crap? Anyway, there’s nothing left to say about...
Looking for a Michael Crichton adaptation worse than Runaway? Look no further! George Segal is the epileptic computer tec given a brain-mounted...
Yul Brynner is great thundering around in his non-descript accent as a Cossack chief leaping off of horses and chucking knives around...
The first of the posthumous sequels, with Blake Edwards cobbling together all the outtakes from the previous films he can muster, employing...
Lurid EC Comics stories are the source material here. A cowled Ralph Richardson predicts the grisly demises of five visitors to his...
‘Shit! Piss! Fuck!’ Walter Matthau contends with subway train hijackers while Martin Balsam contends with an attack of the snifles in this...
“Gooooot a whale of a tale to tell you lads, a whale of a tale or two-oo…” Kirk ‘snails’ Douglas steals the...
The joker's joker. An expert in on-set improvisation. It's not often mentioned that Who Framed Roger Rabbit? was originally an all-live- action...
A tragic waste of talent. His early films show wit, imagination and a lightness of touch wholly absent from the sordid exploitation...
In a two-line film review for the Guardian Guide, make a joke about Guy Ritchie fans confusing him with a scouring powder...
Always ‘the Master’. Single-handedly revolutionised the cinema with Citizen Kane, a film which tops every all-time greatest list but which nobody really...
The titan of trash. Make a joke about Divine and extra-strong mints. Now, alas, thoroughly absorbed into the mainstream. Jonathan Ross writes:...
The bard of back-to-basics. Shoots all his films on Super 8 with no cuts between scenes, using amateur actors in natural light...
The gentleman pornographer from the Low Countries. Mention that, despite its overwhelming similarity to a Playstation shoot-’em-up focus-grouped by Norman Tebbit, Starship...
The first scholar of Hollywood. His Cahiers du Cinema (literally: ‘Movie Jotters’) raised appreciation of the humble western to the level of...
Always ‘former video store nerd Quentin Tarantino’. As of spring 2004, he had seen every movie available on VHS twice over. An...
America’s conscience. Shares a ranch with Jane Fonda. In a wry article for the Daily Telegraph, always remark that though his films...
The audience’s director. The father of modern cinema. Always ‘the wide-eyed wunderkind’. Paradoxically, the eternal child of Hollywood is now making more...
The king of the fast-paced action montage. The stylist’s stylist. ‘Is it me or is it rather smokey in here?’ Raise the...
He may have learnt his trade pointing a camera at a sliced loaf, but that’s no reason to deny Hannibal entry to...
The director’s director. The streetfighting scholar of the silver screen. As of the year 2003, he had seen every film ever made...
A director from over here who did rather well over there. During rehearsals for Marathon Man, to acquire the appropriate look of...
The visual symphonist. Scourge of the establishment. His louche biopics of classical composers may have failed to impress the general public, critics...
Always ‘the unjustly overlooked Alan Rudolph’.
The duke of dismemberment. Mention that his zombie trilogy is at heart the most serious critique of modern America to emerge from...
The insider’s outsider. In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, either liken his editing technique to a food processor, or make...
Master of the four-hour longeur. When reviewing his masterpiece Celine and Julie Go Boating, be sure to remark: ‘Some time after the...
In a review of This Is Spinal Tap, refer to it as if it were a genuine documentary, and Spinal Tap a...
The sultan of splatter. In a review of his latest blockbuster, be sure to mention how far he’s come since the days...
Always ‘the Master’. Along with the indefatigable Emeric Pressburger, his films defined an era of robust British gentility, without which we surely...
His brilliance behind the camera will forever be overshadowed by his personal misfortune in front of it. We’re all guilty.
The viceroy of viscera. In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, point out that The Wild Bunch actually contains far less...
He knew better than anyone the dark, perverted heart beating at the centre of the Catholic church. Mention that, despite the contents...
Scourge of the establishment. In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, always say ‘like his fictional comedic namesake, he’s still angry!’...
The Primark Hitchcock. ‘Unfair! While it’s true that anyone with money and a megaphone could have made the shot-for-shot remake of Vertigo...
The unsung artisan of American angst. In an article on visual style, mention ‘frames within frames’. His deft, peek-a-boo camerawork lent a...
He may have learnt his trade pointing a camera at Simon le Bon on an elephant, but that’s no reason to deny...
While the Carry Ons, Confessions films et al are worthy only of pitying derision, the true film buff can find much to...
The stylist’s stylist. Yet there’s so much more to his oeuvre than the rolled-up jacket sleeve and mirrored sunglass of popular cliché.
Cinema’s mysterious recluse. Makes just one film every 16 1/2 years, but every one is a masterpiece. For aesthetic reasons, only shoots...
The wing-commander of weird. Never happier than when filming scenes of oxygen-fuelled rape, thuggish violence and steamy lesbo-dwarf sex, yet is physically...
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