Posts Tagged With '1985'

Tales from Fat Tulip’s Garden/Fat Tulip Too

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WOP! SURREAL, frenetic, semi-improvised short stories for kids told with almost psychopathic conviction by one-time comedian and latter-day soil-botherer TONY ROBINSON. No animation, no illustrations, no comfy chair, no big book on lap, just Robinson throwing shapes around a deserted house and garden while haranguing the camera with tales of short, corpulent Fat Tulip and neighbour Thin Tim. Other characters included stereotypical burglar Fred the Baddie, two long-suffering frogs called Ernie and Sylve, an heroic tortoise called Lewis Collins, three pernicious toads called Peter, Paul and Mary and a little white shell called Jim Morrison. Further down the obscure reference trail were Inspector Challenor and Gilbert Harding the sheep. Plots started from a simple premise – say, Fat Tulip baking a cake which swells up to engulf the house (“Get back, you horrible cakey thing!”) while a never-ending stream of washing machine salesmen with pink cheeks and bowler hats turn up at the front door – and went off from there, in all directions.

Sequel Fat Tulip Too broadened the locations to include a swimming pool, park, beach and cafe, but the rapidly busked bedtime story principle was the same. A preternaturally squelchy synthesised theme tune topped things off in perfect style. The unsung heroine was Robinson’s old school chum and co-writer Debbie Gates, who went on to pen more alfresco streams of lunatic consciousness including Revolting Animals and Jellyneck, this time with various folk including Morwenna Banks sharing the frenetic storytelling honours. Robinson went over to BBC to apply the anti-Jackanory method to, er, Jackanory, narrating Homer’s Odyssey and assorted Greek myths in the same winning style on authentic Mediterranean locations. Inspired.

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Golden Girls, The

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ON THE FACE of it, this early door Channel Four evening stalwart seemed nothing more than a half-hour retirement home for assorted American comediennes of a certain (or, in at least one case, uncertain) age. To wit: BEA ARTHUR and RUE MCCLANAHAN off of MAUDE, one of those ratings-busting US sitcoms that never registered on this side of the pond; one-time model turned Lucille Ball-style telly magnate BETTY WHITE, and genuine old-school borscht belt ‘try the liver’ wiseacre ESTELLE GETTY as, respectively, the put-upon, mannish divorcée, the mutton/lamb wardrobed trouser-chaser, the dozy Scandinavian and the embittered mum of the put-upon, mannish divorcée. All four lolled about in their Florida ‘condo’, gossiping about savings schemes and shagging. As with the later SEINFELD, it divided British audiences neatly down the middle: those with a native aversion to mile-a-minute wisecracks, audience-slaying references to parochial cultural institutions (“Hey, you try tellin’ that to Art Finkleman!” Cue uproar) and soapy moralistic resolutions gurned into their Bovril and switched over to Did You See..?, while the rest hung about long enough to pick up on some of the finest comic banter ever committed to slightly-too-yellow videotape, in amongst the group hugs and cheesecake sessions, delivered by a cast who’d been round the showbiz block enough times to deliver the lines with perfect timing without seeming to break a sweat. Memory somewhat tarnished by less-than-necessary later years, where the class could be seen ebbing away before your eyes, not to mention innumerable spin-offs such as THE GOLDEN PALACE (Bea marries Frank Drebin off of POLICE SQUAD and quits, leaving the others to run a hotel with CHEECH MARIN as a wacky immigrant chef – although it could have been worse, said cleaver-toting foreigner was very nearly played by ALEXEI SAYLE) and rotten British rewrite BRIGHTON BELLES. SHEILA HANCOCK, WENDY CRAIG, JEAN BOHT and SHEILA GISH sitting around talking about erections? Don’t speak till you’re spoken to, dammit!

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Albion Market

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IT HAD a fantastic theme tune, if you watched closely sometimes you could see the back of Granada’s studios, and DAVID “SCIENCE WORKSHOP” HARGREAVES was in it. Apart from that, ALBION MARKET was your archetypal one-dimensional, craply acted and totally confusing affair created solely for the sake of it. Centrepiece “covered market” location looked like a shitty warehouse, which was no surprise given it was Granada’s old prop store. Too many characters and too much hype pissed off viewers and ITV schedulers, especially LWT who hated having to show it on Friday nights, erstwhile home of Brucie and patented big fuck-off LE bollocks. Sunday night episode died on its arse thanks to being up against OPEN ALL HOURS. Two months after launch saw a desperate TV Times devoting pages to plugging the characters, profiling them as if no-one had heard of them before, which was to a degree completely true. Despite mobilisation of terribly self-conscious “icons” (TONY BOOTH and HELEN SHAPIRO for fuck’s sake), the whole thing was put out of its misery precisely 100 episodes after it began with a wedding and someone being born.

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Little Green Man

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"Cor luvaduck, Greenie!"NONSENSE-TALKING GREEN TESTICLE-SHAPED ALIEN visits Earth and Sidney “Skeets” Keats, a generic suburban boy with a slightly Children’s Film Foundation cockiness about him. Adventures ensue, courtesy the pen of Matthew ‘Not the Jet Set Willy bloke’ Smith. ‘Greenie’s obligatory sidekick was a strange sun-shaped giggler called Zoom-Zoom who could fly and render portions of his body invisible. Straight from the soggy end of CITV’s mid-’80s revamp which gave us the demented likes of Erasmus Microman and Chish ‘N’ Fips. Usually shown in a twofer with The Giddy Game Show, which must have been nice. Blessed by the lisping larynx of JON P’TWEE, who gamely rose to the meagre challenge of rendering ‘Skeets’s mockney banter and the eponymous offworlder’s Bill-and-Ben-on-helium abstract expletives. Cursed, on the other hand, by everything else, especially the most feeble excuse for a theme tune this side of That’s My Boy!, to wit – one echoey provincial drill hall full of bored-sounding child choristers backed by a tinny Bontempi organ, half-arsedly trilling a meat-and-potatoes plot spoiler ditty hastily tacked onto the melody of I’ve Got a Luvverly Bunch of Coconuts, and recorded with the condenser mic of a beaten-up Amstrad Studio 100 placed at the far end of the adjacent gents’ latrine. Surely The Pert deserved better dotage fodder than this?

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Howards’ Way

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"A year ago this yard was on its knees!" "Yes - along with most of its women!"SWAGGERING BRINY proto-soap unpicking the ruthless ructions and steamy schemings that went on behind that seedy world of slimy shagging and shopping, the boatbuilding fraternity of the River Hamble. Step forward eponymous hero and “best boat designer on planet” Tom Howard (MAURICE COLBOURNE), who stages Telford’s Change style stunt, defies odds, logic, etc. and leaves comfortable, well-paid employee status to set-up in partnership with maverick regular at “The Jolly Sailor” Jack Rolfe (GLYNN OWEN). Cast of thousands then sail in to provide intricate plot interweaving: Ken Masters (STEPHEN “XYY” YARDLEY), rival boatbuilding bastard with inability to retain genitalia in pants whose dirty deeds are eclipsed only by cross-eyed moneyman Edward Frere (NIGEL DAVENPORT) and his piece-of-shit son Charles (TONY “PROTECTORS” ANHOLT). Light relief in the form of Tom’s wife Jan (JAN HARVEY) who runs a clothes emporium (badly) and her wooden mother (DULCIE GRAY) whose purpose is unclear. There’s more. Appalling, buck-toothed Howard son (Leo) and daughter (Lyn) ensure continual parental angst due to exam failure, career indecision, unwise choice of foreigner as partner, etc, etc. Untimely demise of Colbourne brings whole edifice crashing to ground but not before hastily rewritten final series is plucked from the jaws of oblivion thanks to arrival, over the horizon, of KATE O’MARA and PAUL JERRICHO. Toe-tapping ‘Always There’ Simon May theme tune was, well, always there, ditto grizzled men wearing V-necked blazers over bare chests sporting Ford Knox-quantities of jewellery and clinking tumblers full of ice cubes and “the sauce”.

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Murder, She Wrote

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Consternation she wroteJessica essays the old wielding-a-torch-in-a-lighted-room double-bluffTEA-AND-SLIPPERS SLEUTHERY, best taken over doilies and Darjeeling, if not Lucozade and egg soldiers. Casting aside her leatherbound library of crime, Jessica Beatrice Fletcher would sally forth unto this week’s house warming party/family reunion/community tea dance only to discover a horrible killing, a clueless local police force and a dozen bystanders urging her to apply her literary skills to this real life tragedy. Having taken up mystery writing once widowed and found fame across the States for her seemingly endless stream of treacherous novellas, Jessica also had cause to travel around the country on promotional junkets which coincidentally – and fortuitously for the viewer – also delivered her unto the scenes of yet more dastardly crimes. ANGELA LANSBURY got stolen from over here and made a star over there, turning Murder, She Wrote (that comma was all-important) into a veritable pension plan. The opening titles set the tone majestically: Jessica in a montage of scenes from her escapades, set to the sound of a cheerily tinkling piano and oom-pah orchestra. Approximately 325,671,290 guest stars appeared, including the great TOM BOSLEY in the semi-regular role of Sheriff Amos Tupper and the two-part special when Jessica went to Hawaii and pooled resources with MAGNUM. Later episodes saw our heroine taking it easy, “appearing” at the beginning of each episode to introduce that week’s “guest sleuth” then pissing off back to her writing desk. Well, she was almost 90.

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Galloping Galaxies!

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"I am to do a new voice: Son of Sid!"THAT EXCLAMATION MARK says it all. Textbook “sideways-look-at” kids sitcommery penned by BOB “RENTAGHOST” BLOCK, here substituting wacky aliens for “visitors from the spirit world” and 25th century spacemen for Harold and Ethel Meeker. Whole thing enlivened by unlikely presence – in voice form only – of KENNETH WILLIAMS played onboard ship computer SID. Further zaniness epitomised by character names like Dinwiddy Snurdle. Blue-screen blarney supplied, as ever, by MATT IRVINE.

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Edge of Darkness

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To the writer!Troy Kennedy Martin’s eminent nuclear wasteathon with BOB PECK on the hunt for the killers of daughter JOANNE “PISS OFF, VAL” WHALLEY and encountering JOE DON BAKER, Captain Hastings, Eric Clapton’s guitar, the Barbican, Lord Percy, loads of big fuck-off bars of radioactive metal, black daisies and an incredibly touching scene featuring Peck and a big vibrator (don’t laugh, you’ll well up when you see it and all) along the way.

Pedants and lollygaggers moan low about how James Lovelock’s Gaia theories of global despoliation and natural rebalance are got all wrong by the script, but never mind them: if you want Big Themes tackled by a drama that doesn’t lose sight of the characters running about inside it, and a bit of classic thrillage with your intelligent nodding, you don’t get better than this series, which can hold its head up alongside any of the much-vaunted box sets of today. Spoiler: he turns into a tree at the end.

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Dempsey and Makepeace

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Enigmatic establishing shot by the Thames? Check! Heated exchange of pan-Atlantic point-scoring? Check!

“A GOLDEN EAGLE Production for London Weekend Television” Ah dear. That ace theme couldn’t paper over the flakiness of this one-eye-on-flogging-it-to-the-Yanks effort, wherein New York cop MICHAEL BRANDON teams up with landed gentry LADY GLYNIS BARBER to fight crime on the bonechilling streets of Bloomsbury. Scouse boss Gordon Spikings (RAY SMITH) always acted like he didn’t give a shit.

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Troubles and Strife

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GOD AWFUL clergycom in which a young vicar takes over a village parish and becomes a lust target for the ‘young wives group’, all of whom embraced dizziness/stupidity in a way most Page 3 girls can only dream of. STEVEN PACEY played the dishy rev, and Scottish sort MAUREEN “CASUALTY” BEATTIE was one of the frustrateds. There was also a wifely role for PATRICIA “SHE’S FOUND ANOTHER MAN, DAD” BRAKE, while ANNA “OH, ARRRFUR!” KAREN overplayed a belligerent cleaner (headscarf, curlers, fag in mouth, nuclear voice – no resemblence to Hilda Ogden intended, honest) and provided the only semi-memorable moment when she interrupted a wedding at the ‘know of any lawful impediment’ stage to moan that she hadn’t been invited. Even though she was there, in a pew, with hat and buttonhole. Thirteen episodes in all, during which the husbands of these supposed ‘wives’ never surfaced. Opening titles showed the women singing Bread Of Heaven with altered lyrics, while looking simperingly at the vicar.

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Thundercats

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EARDRUM-RATTLING ENSEMBLE of busily-animated animal superheroes, with more than a nod to the likes of He-Man. Each week main man Liono, bruiser Panthro, brains Tigra, woman Cheetara, irritating brats Wileykit and Wileykat, and stupid comedy-relief-character Snarf wielded their superpowers to thwart mystical bandage-wearing Mum-Ra, before reconvening for a brisk discussion of what everyone had just learned. When they were on the move, so the theme tune informed you, they were “loose”. Over a hundred episodes were made, each and every one in the DVD collection of Andi Peters.

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Three Up Two Down

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MIDDLING MID-EVENING middlebrow stalwart, featuring opposing grandparents MICHAEL “BOON” ELPHICK and ANGELA “MANOR BORN” THORNE as rough and ready cockernee and refined Cheltenham snob thrown together for incompatible flatshare baby-sitting sitcom high-jinks and “will they, won’t they – who cares?” sexual non-tension. Any watchability was mainly due to presence of proto-Hurley LYSETTE ANTHONY as Thorne’s daughter.

You might also want to see... Night and Day.

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Tandoori Nights

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SAEED JAFFREY holds court amidst two Indian restaurants at war in Hackney-ish area. One of them gets their “just desserts”. Ho fucking ho.

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Telly Addicts

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AH, MONDAY NIGHTS IN THE ’80S, and NOEL EDMONDS bringing us the very definition of redoubtable family fare with his relaxed and beige TV-related quiz. Nothing less than a low-powered glory, you don’t need us to sketch in the format, do you? Two families battle it out over thirty minutes to prove they know most about TV. Now cue the clips. But, really, it’s all in the details with this show: the air raid siren; the “hoofer-doofer”; Noel throwing a question to the studio audience with a cry of “telly addicts?”; blanked out Radio Times billings; Sing the Sig; the USS Enterprise zapping the TARDIS in the titles (and prompting an angry letter to Dreamwatch Bulletin); “The NME – is that still going?”; stars setting questions in pre-recorded cutaways piped in to appear live (“I’m very well Noel, now, team…”); the Aches vs the Pains; “Let’s go… on the box!”; “This has never happened before in the modern history of Telly Addicts!” and so on. Total teatime viewing until a minor revamp in 1994, which saw the addition of novelty scorer Charles, and the families axed to make way for darts teams and book groups with names like ‘Swords and Daggers’ and, of course, ‘Warrior’s Gate’. Come 1998, though, and things got catastrophic: out went the sofas to make way for wine bar stools, pointless running about…and shrieking. Spawned a couple of board games (one of which included the question “Which series does Sheena McDonald present?” – but no answer) and, more recently, a nifty play-at-home DVD. PLEASE keep it moving through the Spotlight round.

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There Comes a Time…

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ANDREW SACHS contracts a previously unknown fatal illness and dies slowly, while JUDY “GOOD COMPANIONS” CORNWELL looks on. Sitcom.

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Girls on Top

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IN THE Kensington sky. Alterno-comedy quartet – DAWN FRENCH as veggie anarchist, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as moody depressive, TRACEY ULLMAN as ditzy actress and RUBY WAX as Ruby Wax – share flat rented from elderly downstairs neighbour JOAN GREENWOOD. Usual suspects – Coltrane, Sessions, Laurie, Enfield, Lederer – call round for cups of sugar. Ullman’s character killed off after series one. Nobody notices.

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Gems

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DAYTIME SOAP froth set in Covent Garden workshop of titular fashion design company. Boasted no star names whatsoever. Featured dresses designed by students from Royal College of Art. Cast got to keep some of them, presumably in lieu of working on such shite. TONY SLATTERY was among them. The shite, not the dresses.

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Giddy Game Show, The

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NATION SWITCHES on telly. BERNARD BRESSLAW and BILL FRASER turn up doing voices of animated observatory duo Gorilla and Gus, helming odd-one-out puzzles for kids with the help of Giddy, a green alien who sits on a floating arrow and points out the right answer. Nation shrugs and goes elsewhere.

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TX

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VERY EIGHTIES kidsters Saturday morning miscellany with TONY SLATTERY, ALISON DOWLING and First Post’s SUE ROBBIE. Chiefly remembered now for game show segment KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF, hosted by STEVE BLACKNELL, mostly famous for somehow being the one to interview Phil Collins on Concorde while flying from London to Philadelphia for Live Aid. Purpose of said game was to knock out three blocks of the same colour on your own wall to win a prize, without letting the Gold Blocks hit the floor, at the same time trying to knock the Gold Blocks off your opponents wall via a “Bean Bag Attack”. Teams consisted of a Brains (answered the questions) and a Bodger (brick-bodger/bean-bag thrower). Prizes were a KYBO plastic lunchbox and flask – in reality a Snoopy Lunchbox and Flask with a KYBO sticker.

You might also want to see... Saturday Mornings.

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Wogan

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"You! How dare you lay hands upon this fine BBC hand-woven apparel!" "Officer! Unhand me this instant!"

LIVE FROM the verdant pastures of Shepherd’s Bush Green, this was light-touched and louche chattery at its most imperial – and we won’t hear otherwise. Born out of El Tel’s Saturday night PARKY-replacement stints, Terrence took up residence at the BBC Television Theatre the same week as EastEnders began as part of Michael Grade’s grand plan for beating the shit out of ITV. And for a time it worked. Millions tuned in, knowing there’d always be somebody of interest on Wogan’s sofa, or if not then a topical reference to something that’d been on telly earlier (“I see they’ve changed the Six O’Clock News set again!”) or later (“so why not join me, for the first in a new series…of DALLAS” cooed Tel, introducing the show via a massive monitor on the wall behind him). There was talk of it going five nights. “I am but my master’s keeper,” quoth Terence. Some of the gloss started to come of, though, c.1988 when the guests started becoming all newsy and topical instead of glittery and glamorous. Stand-in hosts dropped from the calibre of KENNETH WILLIAMS to BEN ELTON. Then the show started getting dropped whenever the Beeb could find a reason, like when there was a football match on and, instead of Tel popping up for five minutes just to reassure us he was still there, he was nowhere to be seen. Big budget stunts like meeting Madonna just looked hammy and contrived. The final insult was being axed in 1992…for something infinitely worse (i.e. ELDORADO). Much missed.

That opening night line-up in full Tel with Vikki Watson, our Song For Europe in 1985 "You hum it, JY, I'll sing it"
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