Dyke, seen here at this year’s Lib Dem party conference, or possibly by the canal at Camden Lock in 1983 looking for the keys to steal the TV-am barge, has been out of the telly business for too long.
In fact he hasn’t done anything of note since he was sacked by a bunch of posh BBC nabobs in 2004, except help make the tea at Brentford Football Club.
Now, more than ever*, his services as a bona fide small screen Big Beast are needed.
Michael Grade, a man TV Cream foolishly once placed at the top of its barely-read Top 50 Media Movers and Shakers list, has been unable to sprinkle enough glitter over ITV to burnish a place bedecked with a decade and a half’s barnacle logic.
Sure, he spoke often enough about the problem being “the programmes, stupid”, but never seemed able to do anything about – ho ho – the stupid programmes. Or targeting the wrong audiences or the wrong formats or the wrong business decisions or the wrong schedule decisions. He commissioned Britain’s Got Talent because “it reminded me of a vaudeville show”. But that’s about it.
As for Channel 4, the fact nobody knows the name of anybody who runs it, and it’s never in the papers under headlines including the words ‘STORM OVER’, pretty much says it all. The station needs to be causing trouble every week, not resting its arse on a beanbag-sized marathon of Come Dine With Me episodes.
Have things really reached the point where Professor Phil Redmond can deliver another of his stupid speeches and say C4 should take over BBC3 and BBC4, thereby revealing he can’t have watched C4 since about 2001, and has never watched BBC3 and BBC4 at all? Yes. Yes it has.
Here’s what needs to happen. Greg gets appointed as the boss of ITV and Channel 4. There are so few decent telly executives nowadays (by which we mean ones of whose names the public have heard) that there’s just no point giving one of the positions to some box-ticking bulldog clip-counter.
Besides, the channels used to work together and schedule things so as to maximise audiences, and even trail each other’s stuff. That should start happening again.
Greg, in consultation with his mum, should then revamp all the schedules.
He should also come up with a new motto for his yellow cards. Perhaps he could have Smells Like A Hit, with a space just before the H where, if you scratch the surface with a coin, the letter S appears.
None of this should be a problem with the Culture Secretary, because he’s too busy destroying the BBC to notice (SATIRE!).
And if all else fails, Greg should get a primetime show on one or other of the networks, where he sits in shirt sleeves and talks to people in an affable manner. Heavens, it’d be 100 times more interesting than… well, anything that had one hundredth of that amount of interest.
The campaign starts here and it starts TODAY!
*Since the last time.