TV Cream

TV: K is for...


WELCOME READER, bold but fair/in search of truths about KNIGHTMARE/Twas not a show for rakish souls/or those disposed t’ward scoring goals.

Instead the bookish and the plain/were catered for by this fine game/From provincial schools across the land/came bowlcut teens in T-shirts bland/arriving keen to pits their minds/’gainst foes of faint and virtual kind.

Host Dungeon Master, brown of face/disposed t’ward garments sporting lace,/was Treguard Dunshelm, who spent his time/reciting tortured lines of rhyme/The kids would never dare to try it/His real name was HUGO MYATT.

One child, thinking to himself “Fuck it”/would then put on a giant bucket/and disappear from t’others’ view/materialising in studio 2/whereupon a computerised trial/would wax and wain for much a-while.

“Two steps to the left!” would cry the crew/while bucket-kid meandered through/stone-walled rooms oft’ filled with freaks/to whom only he had power to speak/”Life force low!” boomed Treguard whenever/the kids had to get their shit together/and pick up a jug or piece of fruit/all in order to re-boot/their chance of finding treasures rare/save leaving Anglia TV bare/of anything but the chance to say/”We’ll be on telly a week today!”

Best forgotten are the likes/of Pickle, Treguard’s twatty tyke/who arsed around in later years/when growing cancellation fears/resulted in a show enwrapped/in wanky gimmicks that were crap.

But millions still the show do treasure/for memories steeped in childhood pleasure/And sometimes quietly attest/a wish that they could play this quest.



  1. Nick H

    January 11, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    I loved it…

  2. Adrian

    January 12, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Definately time for a revival – imagine how good the CGI graphics could be today..

  3. Chris Jones

    January 12, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    The eyeshield was a decent addition; it quickened the pace of the show.

    I started a childhood phrase that was banned by teachers in our school: loudly shouting in a Hugo myatt impression, ‘WARNING TEAM!’

  4. Nick Gates

    January 12, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    If you’ve not seen this before, why not see it now? I did an interview with Tim Child for the show’s 20th anniversary. He was very interestingly candid, I thought.

  5. Danforth

    January 13, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Adrian: the problem with reviving it now is that the graphics would probably be inferior to the latest PS3 or Xbox360 game (unless ITV threw millions at it), so Ver Kids would probably lose interest real quick…

  6. Ste1bro

    January 13, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Someone’s put every single episode on Youtube, and it’s still brilliant.

    Hugo Myatt = legend.

    Loved it so much, I bought the boardgame off eBay!

  7. Ste1bro

    January 13, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Nick: Great interview with Tim Child!

  8. Martina

    January 14, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    I really wanted to be on the show circa late 80s/early 90s, but I didn’t know any other similarly interested girls so couldn’t form a team. I’d have been happy enough on a mixed sex team, but I don’t think the producers would have went for that!

  9. Stacy P Braine

    January 17, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    If I knew you then Martina, I would have been on your team! I wanted to go on as well (like many other kids), but had no other girls who thought similar!

    • Joanne Gray

      February 18, 2017 at 7:22 pm

      My younger sisters would have been happy to help you out too – they were big fans of the show.

  10. diz

    January 20, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    “Where am I?”
    “You’re in a room.”

    Every single fucking time.

    Also: Can anyone find the Anglia effects test videos for this at all? About 8 minutes of yer bearded technical types placing goblets in and around a prop well, while the chroma key is flicked on and off, amongst other odd tests. All in silence, as if preparing for the execution of a dictator. Used to have them from some site (ver ‘Ark?) now sadly lost. There was also a Christmas tape style gag with Lord Fear moaning about staff layoffs (“Do they think we live in a fucking fantasy world?”) tacked on at the end

  11. gman

    April 17, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    Although it was a fantastic show, it was slightly ruined by all the contestants bing posh kids with plummy voices and faces made for slapping

  12. stevemcvey1971

    July 28, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Shamelessly ripped off for Eagle Mk2 comic strip The Computer Warrior. Why not redo it for adults in the post pub friday night slot using Doom or Goldeneye? I’d watch, but I’m sad.

  13. paulus - bangkok

    July 30, 2010 at 5:44 am

    This must have occured after I discovered beer and/or sex. I have absolutely no recollection of this show ever existing!

  14. OwynandCo

    October 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    If you liked Knightmare, you might like this: Knightmare Parody

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