A short video we made. Sniff…
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“It gets a little hairy up at the old scoreboard…”
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Nul points! All the songs are called Ding Ding Dong! And Norway are rubbish, aren’t they? Ho fucking ho.
It’s time for Eurovision once more, as the pan-continental search for Europe’s songatheyear comes round again. TV Cream likes to eschew the hateful “hey, it’s so bad it’s good” approach to the whole shebang, and for a start, we’d like to point out that they never say “nul points”, because the points system goes down from twelve to one, so no “nul points” are ever actually allocated or referred to. And people are still somehow wringing comedic mileage out of the mere words Katie Boyle! Grrr.
Anyway, now we’re post-Wogan, and hence – in theory – post a few of these Eurocliches. And although Tel’s shadow looms large (as it does whenever the sun comes out), let’s not forget that back in 1967, it was Rolf Harris on the BBC lipmic in Vienna, which seems a bit of a waste.
In 1970, it was David Gell, whoever the hell he was, the following year it was Dave Lee Travis, and in 1972 – Tom Fleming! Bet that was a rocking show. In 1973 it was Terry for the first time, with Pete Murray on the wireless, and in 1974 it was David Vine (“My goodness she sold that well!”)
In 1975 it was the exact opposite that it had been in 1973, as Tel was relegated to the radio, so he must have made a mess of it before, and Pete Murray was on the telly. In 1976 it was Michael Aspel, and Pete was back in 1977, before Tel made a triumphant return in 1978. John Dunn did it in 1979, bizarrely, and Tel wasn’t involved at all, as Ray Moore was on the radio.
But enough of that, because here’s a long list, in the shape of TV Cream’s guide to Ten Great British Eurovision
Failures:
1969 CONGRATULATIONS – CLIFF RICHARD
Ah, Cliff, forever wriggling around in figure-hugging blue crushed regency velvet in front of that big gold ‘E-U-R-O-V-I-S-I-O-N’ tableau. Penned by Coulter and Martin, responsible for Puppet On A String and, er, Back Home, but pipped into second by Spain’s La La La.
1974 LONG LIVE LOVE – OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
To Brighton for 1974′s extravaganza, into which these isles pitched Olivia toothily into the fray, in naught but a blue nightie. But we were betting without Abba, and ONJ could only finish a meagre fourth. Pah.
1977 ROCK BOTTOM – LYNDSEY DE PAUL AND MIKE MORAN
Come on, with a title like that, it was asking for it. Our plucky participants sang at it grand pianos facing one another. Europe remained unimpressed. Second. France won.
1978 BAD OLD DAYS – COCO
Despite featuring a nascent Cheryl Baker amongst their number, they could only muster an appalling eleventh with their somewhat tribute to Conan O’Brien. Truly the dog days for Blighty, these. Prima Donna, anyone? Black Lace doing legit?
1982 ONE STEP FURTHER – BARDO
The ‘Do featured Sally-Ann Triplett off of Stu Francis-era Crackerjack, and were endorsed by none other than Neil Tennant in Smash Hits. None of which could help them in the heat of, ahem, Harrogate, and were swept aside by Nicole’s anthemic A Little Peace, which the headmaster of one of the residents of TV Cream Towers used to like to play in assemblies. Seventh.
1984 LOVE GAMES – BELLE AND THE DEVOTIONS
Now we really are getting desperate. Imagine a sort of Dorothy Perkins Bananarama, all ribbons and polka dots and miniskirts. Booed off stage. And seventh again. Sweden take the crown.
1990 GIVE A LITTLE LOVE BACK TO THE WORLD – EMMA
Emma! She was Welsh! She looked a bit like Sonia! She sang a song about world peace and ending starvation! She finished sixth! Italy won with a song about European integration!
1991 MESSAGE TO YOUR HEART – SAMANTHA JANUS
It’s Britain’s great Eurovision maxim: never learn from the previous year’s failure. Hence the succession of overwrought pastel-suited male balladeer flops from the 80s. Another song about starvation (“and every day is a compromise for a grain of corn”) and hence Game On was seen as a step *up*. Tenth.
1992 ONE STEP OUT OF TIME – MICHAEL BALL
One step out of time! (doof doof) One reason to put this love on the line! Fresh-faced and clean-cut, Michael was nothing if not Cliff’s spiritual heir, and thus emulated him by finishing second. Punched the air in time with the doof doof bit.
1996 OOH AAH JUST A LITTLE BIT – GINA G
Into the Jonathan King years and hence the Ireland Forever Winning years, as satirised by Father Ted. The last Eurovisioner to make No. 1 in Britain, fact fans, although Gina limped to eighth on the night. Better than Love City Groove, at least.
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20 small tales of Television Centre
On Thursday, May 17, BBC4 brings us a superb, 90-minute documentary, Tales of Television Centre. Here are 20 brilliant things about it.
1) Joan Bakewell calls Television Centre a “jewel box of activity”
2) There’s a people-being-stopped-by-the-Television-Centre-commissioner montage
3) Esther Rantzen confiding “walking into Television Centre meant sparkle time!”
4) Philip Glenister recalling visiting the Dr Who studios when he was nine years old. “My abiding memory was, ‘My God, that’s cheap!’”
5) A clip of Sarah Greene’s mum in Z Cars
6) Judith Hann recalling the time she had to share her dressing room with an otter that was scheduled to appear on Blue Peter
7) Sarah Greene (again) revealing what she and Smitty did in Dressing Room 2.
8) John Craven: “I was told Television Centre was built in a circle so the buck couldn’t stop.”
9) Clive Dunn on It’s A Square World dressed up as Dr Who William Hartnell.
Click for our guide to TVC
10) The on-screen caption font is the old slopey BBC-tv typeface.
11) The brandishing of an ornate ‘TS’ card for recalcitrant production staff – the letters standing for ‘Tough Shit’.
12) Maggie Philbin’s revelation about what a BBC make-up girl did to her.
13) Behind the scenes footage from Eureka.
14) Katy Manning: “People were bonking all over the BBC!”
15) Eric ‘n’ Ern teasing Graeme Harper in a BBC lift and branding him ‘Choochie Face’.
16) Robert Powell inviting all of Pan’s People out for dinner – because he didn’t have the nerve to ask Babs alone.
17) “Merry Christmas VT!”
18) Johnny Ball’s revelation about Rick James and co.
19) How it was arranged for the BBC fountain to be switched on during the tap-dancing routine to raise money for Action Research For The Crippled Child.
20) A perfect choice of closing music.
Read MoreTV Cream’s 75 Memorable TV Moments
75 years ago this week, the UK’s first television service began, live and direct from Alexandra Palace in north London.
You’d be forgiven for not being aware of this grand anniversary, given how little is being made of it, not least on the box itself.
Why this week’s BBC4 schedules aren’t filled with choice archivery is beyond us. Heavens, they could even have pretended it was a trial run for when the cuts kick in.
Anyway, here at TV Cream Towers we’re not going to let this occasion pass without suitable commemoration, by which we mean A Very Long List.
Below you’ll find what we’re calling 75 quintessential trend-shaping, genre-justifying, nation-mesmirising, synapse-tingling small screen moments.
Well, we’re not – we’re actually calling them TV Cream’s 75 Memorable TV Moments.
Moreover they’re not THE most 75 memorable of all time, because there’s actually around 75,000 of those, and by the time we’d finished listing all them there’d have already been another 75,000 more.
We’ve also limited our choices to TV hailing solely from these shores.
So perhaps it’s best to treat the following simply as 75 reasons television is one of the greatest things in the world.
1
Michael Palin returning to London at the end of Around The World in 80 Days to be greeted by, among others, a foul-mouthed newspaper seller (BBC1, 1989)
2
John Betjeman reaching the end of the line in Metro-land and concluding “grass triumphs – and I must say, I’m rather glad” (BBC1, 1973)
3
Jack Regan (John Thaw) bellowing “This is going to be a right bastard” in the episode of The Sweeney ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ (ITV, 1975)
4
"I hope you've got plenty of puff!"
Kenneth Williams volunteering the information that he’s “one of the biggest puffs in the business” on All-Star Record Breakers (BBC1, 1977)
5
John Gordillo and dog walking out of BBC Television Centre to the sound of The Sundays’ Here’s Where The Story Ends during the very last sequence of the very last edition of The RDA (BBC Choice, 2001)
6
Martin Bryce (Richard Briers) having his itinerary of events for a local old people’s home hijacked by Paul Ryman (Peter Egan) in Ever Decreasing Circles (BBC1, 1984)
7
"Bigmouth - ha ha ha ha!"
The Smiths performing Bigmouth Strikes Again on The Whistle Test (BBC2, 1986)
8
Tiny Clanger conducting the “music of the spheres” in The Clangers (BBC1, 1972)
9
Doctor Who (Tom Baker) referring to Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) as “my best friend” in the adventure ‘The Seeds of Doom’ (BBC1, 1976)
10
Spike (Dexter Fletcher) and Lynda (Julia Sawalha) doing a slow dance to imaginary music at the end of the Press Gang episode ‘The Big Finish?’ (ITV, 1990)
11
Lionel Blair being Gotcha’d for Noel’s House Party during a performance of Don’t Dress For Dinner at the Bournemouth Pier Theatre (BBC1, 1992)
12
"TW, adieu, adieu!"
Millicent Martin duetting with herself on the very last That Was The Week That Was (BBC1, 1963)
13
Jacob Bronowski crouching in a pool at Auschwitz and scooping up a handful of mud while saying “we have to touch people” in The Ascent of Man (BBC2, 1973)
14
The twist at the end of the Thriller episode ‘A Coffin For The Bride’ (ITV, 1974)
15
Philip Marlow (Michael Gambon) and Dr Gibbon (Bill Paterson) playing word games in The Singing Detective episode ‘Pitter Patter’ (BBC1, 1986)
16
Aztec Camera performing Oblivious on Pebble Mill at One (BBC1, 1983)
17
Jeffrey Fairbrother (Simon Cadell) reading a letter from Joe Maplin to his assembled staff in Hi-De-Hi! (BBC1, 1983)
18
Bottle-bobbing goodness
The neon bottled, Brian Eno-backed opening titles to every edition of Arena (BBC2, 1975-date)
19
Sherlock Holmes (Jeremy Brett) jumping for joy off a flight of stone steps at the end of the episode ‘The Second Stain’ (ITV, 1986)
20
The death of Augustus (Brian Blessed) in I, Claudius (BBC2, 1976)
21
"Like a - teddy bear?"
Michael Parkinson being possessed by a malevolent spirit in Ghostwatch (BBC1, 1992)
22
Alistair Cooke playing a burst of New Orleans jazz on the piano in his history of America (BBC2, 1972)
23
The Chalk Farm Salvation Army Band arriving in the studio for the Christmas editions of Blue Peter (BBC1, 1958-date)
24
"Fancy Lady? Well, fancy that!"
‘Attitudes Night’ on The Day Today (BBC2, 1994)
25
The entire TV Hell theme night (BBC2, 1992)
26
Michael Aspel announcing the end of the world in The War Game (BBC, 1965, not broadcast until 1985)
27
The Prisoner (Patrick McGoohan) psychologically and literally jousting with another version of himself in the episode ‘The Schizoid Man’ (ITV, 1967)
28
The death of Lou Beale (Anna Wing) in EastEnders (BBC1, 1988)
29
Bruce Forsyth struggling to help a non-musical father and daughter join in with a team of professional bell-ringers on The Generation Game (BBC1, 1975)
30
Richard Dimbleby giving a sartorial guide to all the people working behind the scenes during Election 64 (BBC1, 1964)
31
The ‘Election Night Special’ sketch on Monty Python’s Flying Circus (BBC1, 1970)
32
Michael Murray (Robert Lindsay) simultaneously beset by nervous twitches, an angry neglected wife and a Dr Who fan convention in the GBH episode ‘Message Sent’ (Channel 4, 1991)
33
Chris Evans, Zig and Zag trying and failing to demonstrate how to make the world’s quickest chocolate cake on The Big Breakfast (Channel 4, 1992)
34
Pet Shop Boys performing Can You Forgive Her? on Top of the Pops (BBC1, 1993)
35
The evil in all of us
The first appearance of the dead body of a “demon” in Quatermass and the Pit (BBC1, 1958)
36
Bob Monkhouse coolly and expertly dealing with a malfunctioning draw machine on The National Lottery Live (BBC1, 1996)
37
Jamie MacDonald (Paul Higgins) splenetically berating Ollie Reeder (Chris Addison) for making fun of Al Jolson in The Thick Of It (BBC4, 2007)
38
"Steady on, Ken!"
Kenny Everett producing an oversized “READY” stick before bending Terry Wogan’s microphone on Blankety Blank (BBC1, 1979)
39
Monique (Angela Richards) singing If This Is The Last Time I See You in Secret Army (BBC1, 1979)
40
Stephen Fry “killing” Hugh Laurie in a musical misunderstanding over the lid on jar of coffee in A Bit of Fry and Laurie (BBC2, 1990)
41
Gonch Gardner trying to undercut the school canteen by selling toast in the Grange Hill playground (BBC1, 1985)
42
Nationwide staging a studio-bound summer fair to celebrate the Queen’s Silver Jubilee (BBC1, 1977)
43
"Jude-ah-Jude-ah..."
The Beatles performing Hey Jude on Frost on Sunday (ITV, 1968)
44
George Malone (Peter Kerrigan) confessing “I can’t believe that there’s no hope” in Boys from the Blackstuff (BBC2, 1982)
45
A “fight” breaking out among, in Des Lynam’s words, “our highly professional team” during the opening seconds of an edition of Grandstand (BBC1, 1983)
46
Damon Grant (Simon O’Brien) breaking down on completing his YTS only to find nobody will take him on for work in Brookside (C4, 1986)
47
Clive James’s Review of the 80s, culminating in our host jiving to a performance by “woman of the decade” Kylie Minogue (BBC1, 1989)
48
Margaret Thatcher giving her verdict on record releases, including a favourable review of Beautiful Imbalance by Thrashing Doves, on Saturday Superstore (BBC1, 1987)
49
None shall sleep
The opening sequence of the BBC’s World Cup 90 coverage, and Des Lynam’s subsequent patronage of Pavarotti – “Cue Luciano!” (BBC1, 1990)
50
Hilda Ogden (Jean Alexander) breaking down on opening the spectacle case of her recently deceased husband Stan in Coronation Street (ITV, 1984)
51
Adam Carter (Rupert Penry-Jones) being blown up while driving a car bomb away from a Remembrance Sunday ceremony in Spooks (BBC1, 2008)
52
"Ready when you are, Ronnie!"
Larry Grayson attempting – and failing – to master disco dancing on The Generation Game (BBC1, 1979)
53
One half of Bucks Fizz performing Run For Your Life in Jersey while the other half performs it in London at exactly the same time on Saturday Superstore (BBC1, 1983)
54
The BBC screening an emergency edition of Dad’s Army when a power failure hit part of Television Centre during Euro 2000 (BBC1, 2000)
55
The Special AKA, along with The Beat and Elvis Costello, performing Free Nelson Mandela on The Tube (C4, 1984)
56
Wing Commander Marsh (Michael Bryant) feigning mental illness to be repatriated out of Colditz, but ending up genuinely insane (BBC1, 1972)
57
Adam Curtis saying the words “but this was a fantasy” on The Power of Nightmares (BBC2, 2004)
58
"We've a newsflash from the ITN"
Bob Monkhouse announcing the end of the power workers’ strike live during an edition of The Golden Shot (ITV, 1970)
59
Jim fixing it for a child to appear in an episode of Terry and June, accosting Terry on a cross-channel ferry concerning the smell of his Camembert cheese (BBC1, 1983)
60
John Lennon and Paul McCartney compering The Music of Lennon and McCartney (ITV, 1965)
61
Leonard Bernstein throwing a tantrum during recording sessions for West Side Story in an edition of Omnibus (BBC1, 1985)
62
Morecambe and Wise and assorted BBC faces performing There Is Nothing Like A Dame (BBC1, 1977)
63
Seven-year-old Nick Hitchon declaring “If I could change the world, I would change it into a diamond” on Seven Up (ITV, 1963)
64
Rearranging Billy Crystal
Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish recreating The Crystal Maze in puppet form for Channel 4′s 15th birthday (C4, 1997)
65
Radiation-infused survivors of the nuclear holocaust depicted in Threads watching the transmission of an edition of Words and Pictures (BBC2, 1984)
66
Tony Hart drawing a giant elephant in the sand in Vision On (BBC1, 1964-76)
67
Derek Griffiths singing Why Don’t You Build Yourself A Word? in Look and Read (BBC, 1982)
68
Angus Deayton asking teams on Have I Got News For You? to guess the missing word in the headline “I made Thatcher WHAT? boasts Lawson”, and Paul Merton replying, “It is ‘swallow’?” (BBC1, 1992)
69
"The cancer's called 'Rupert'"
Dennis Potter quoting the line “Will there be any stars in my crown, when the evening sun goes down?” while reminiscing about childhood hymns with Melvyn Bragg in his last ever interview on Without Walls (C4, 1994)
70
The opening titles of All Creatures Great and Small (BBC1, 1978)
71
Deirdre Barlow (Anne Kirkbride) discovering she had been the victim of con-man Phil Jennings (Tommy Boyle) in Coronation Street (ITV, 1997)
72
"I did a quick waltz"
Rolf Harris performing Jake the Peg (BBC1, 1969)
73
Messrs Barker and Corbett conducting overlapping telephone conversations in Sainsbury’s (BBC1, 1981)
74
John Cleese guesting on The Muppet Show (ITV, 1978)
75
The BBC’s celebrations for the 50th anniversary of television, including an entire week of archive programmes on BBC2 (1986)
The TV Cream Strictly Come Dancing Brucie Gag Manual
A brand new series of Strictly Come Dancing means a brand new battery of celebrities for Sir Brucie to fashion brand new well-worn rib-tickling zingers out of.
Well, that’s what always used to happen.
Nowadays thanks to the increased contestant quota, unnecessary messing with the format and the fact ol’ twinkle-toes is becoming evermore ol’ more wrinkled-nose, the funnies aren’t always there.
Which is a shame, as they were always one of the best bits, along with that sequence at the start where the couples stood in a long line swaying and clapping.
So in the interests of national revival and selfless levity, here are TV Cream’s suggestions of gags for Bruce to slip into proceedings, preferably preceded by a shushing-gesture to the audience and followed by a glance of disgruntlement at the floor manager.
Jason Donovan
“Now we all know that stars can get a bit picky if they don’t think they’re being properly serviced, so just before tonight’s show I had a word with Jason about the catering.
I asked him if he was happy with the food served in the BBC canteen. Why? he asked. Because, I replied, I thought you’d be more used to a Ramsay’s treat!”
Russell Grant
“Now I’ve always been interested in astrology, so earlier today I asked Russell if he could tell me what the stars had to say about my future.
Well, he looked me up and down all over then replied: Not too good, dear. Your Mercury’s rising, I can’t tell Mars from your elbow, and the less said about Uranus the better!”
Nancy Dell’Olio
“You may not know this, but Nancy has launched her own brand of lingerie.
Yes, she has. It’s called ND.
I said to her: what does that stand for, Nice Drawers? She said in your case, Nothing Doing.”
Anita Dobson
“I was chatting with Anita just before the show.
Anita, I said, tell me: were you a messy child? She said: Brucie, why do you ask?
I said: I was just wondering if you had a tidy playroom or a dirty den…”
Robbie Savage
“Now I’m sure we’ve all been struck by Robbie’s hair. Literally, in Ola’s case!
Earlier on I said to Robbie, your hair can’t decide if it’s playing home or away!
He replied, well at least it’s not like yours: off-side!”
Holly Valance
“Just before the show, I said to Holly how much she must be looking forward to Christmas. Why? she asked. Because, I replied, it’s the time of year that everyone wants a piece of Holly! She took one look at me and said: To be honest, I’m more worried about the pricks. Well, I mean, really, the cheek!”
Lulu
“I was talking to Lulu just before the show. I wanted to find out a bit more about her fantastic showbusiness career.
I said: Lulu, what do you think was your greatest ever hit record? She said: Shout. So I said: LULU, WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS YOUR GREATEST EVER HIT RECORD?”
Harry Judd
“Earlier today I asked Harry about why his band were called McFly.
He said: Have you never seen the film Back to the Future? He explained it was about a boy who finds himself back in the 50s. Oh yes, I said, I remember the 50s, that was when I first made it big. He replied: Oh no, it’s not set in the 1850s.”
Edwina Currie
“Now we all remember that Edwina once ran into a bit of bother with some eggs. So when I caught up with her during rehearsals earlier, I was everso careful not to bring it up.
Edwina my dear, I said, how egg-stremely egg-cited I am to see you on the show. You should have seen her face. She was *shell*-shocked.”
Rory Bremner
“Earlier today I went to Rory’s dressing room to say hello and introduce myself and so on. I’m afraid I couldn’t resist. Do me, I said. Go on, do me! So – oh no, be quiet, listen – so he did, and I have to say, I was terribly disappointed. I said, Rory, I’m terribly disappointed. He said: Why? I said, because I thought that first impressions were always correct!”
Audley Harrison
“I was talking to Audley earlier today and he asked me: Bruce, is it true you were once known as the Mighty Atom?
I could tell he was impressed, so I said, yes, it was because of my amazing stamina as a child star. Oh, he said, I thought it was because your jokes were radioactive!”
Chelsee Healey
“Earlier on I asked Chelsee if, when she was at school for real, she ever had to face doing lines.
She said if anyone knew about lines and faces it was me.
The cheek!”
Alex Jones
“Earlier today, I was talking to Alex about how they chose the guests for The One Show. She said: Matt and I like to look at photos of star names and celebrities, and go: he’s One, she’s One, they’re One.
I said to her, am I One? She said: Oh yes, you’re a right One.”
Dan Lobb
“Now, as well as being a TV presenter, Dan is a former professional tennis player.
When I was talking to him earlier, I said how much I loved going to Wimbledon each year.
He replied: Oh really, I’d have thought a man of your age would prefer Flushing Meadows!”
…And an extra one for Brucie to deploy during the final, which is being shown in 3D:
“No, don’t worry dear, that’s just my chin!”
Read MoreTV Cream’s guide to Television Centre
Following on from yesterday’s concrete doughnut-shaped disappointing news, here’s our endpaper-style guide to the glories of Television Centre. Click on the above image to enlarge, or click here for full glory!
Read MoreThe greatest building in the world?
There are as many opinions about the BBC as there are people who watch and listen to it, which is how it should be.
One of the organisation’s most potent strengths is its provocation. Everyone is forever piling in with a view over what the Beeb is doing right and what it is doing wrong, and there can be no finer proof of the corporation’s relevance.
Because everybody owns the Beeb, there’s always somebody feeling threatened or irked when their point of view is currently out of favour. And for every person who cares about what the BBC once was, there is another who cares about what it could still become.
The wisdom or otherwise of the BBC’s decision to sell Television Centre has set friend against foe or, in TV Cream’s case, friend against friend (yikes!).
However there’s one thing we can all agree upon: Television Centre was once the greatest building in the world. Whether it still deserves that title is almost beside the point. The place long ago became more than just loading bays and lighting rigs. It ceased being merely a building, great or otherwise, almost as soon as it opened for business.
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Instead [adopts Adam Curtis-esque arch tone] it became a symbol – a symbol of golden ages or grotesque wages, of wiped tapes or black-and-white japes, of live-to-air spectacle or louche pairs of spectacles.
Television Centre hasn’t meant anything new for ages. It has only ever symbolised things that were old – some good, some bad.
It ought to go on being a symbol, not least as both a lesson and a warning from history.
Something should be done to ensure the site remains within the UK’s central nervous system, even if it is just as a museum – a symbol of how things used to be, and therefore how they can be again.
Here endeth the lesson. Take a bow, Television Centre!
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga32eOuJdno
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SrK-1L7va0
Read MoreCould still be a big Knight
Arise, Sir Brucie!
It’s the one bonus we’ve all been waiting for.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gggh3t_guk
Read MoreTV Cream’s Puzzle Trail: Clue 9
The hook for today’s Puzzle Trail square is the man who’s crossed more channels than P&O.
Having ably demonstrated in that Channel 4 documentary on Wednesday that he’s still fully compos mentis (unlike the rest of Channel 4, which is full of compost mentis), we turn to Brucie for the ninth of our Puzzle Trail clues.
CLUE 9
To get today’s grid reference, take the first letter of the surname of Brucie’s female assistant during his return stint on the Generation Game, then couple that with the number of times Brucie has left ITV to work for the BBC. And once you’ve done that, we’ll see you in the bar for a drink afterwards.
Read clue 1 and download your own TV Cream Puzzle Trail map
Read MoreAnatomy of a Wogan
Thanks to that unexpected repeat of a 1987-vintage episode of Wogan the other night, it was possible to take a good, hard look at the armoury Tel deployed on telly to such effect for so long.
And what an armoury. Many were on display during that episode, as indeed they seemed to be during every episode. There always was a lot more to old Wogan’s act than merely the “I don’t know what’s going on here but I wish it would stop” stuff.
Anyway, TV Cream has sallied forth, as the great man himself would say, unto the technological interface that is the screengrab in order to assemble an anatomy of a Wogan.
First, the opening gambit:
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Note how our host doesn’t simply walk on set; rather he engages in some visual badinage with his first musical guests, simultaneously acknowledging and patronising them with a mock-bow. Cheeky, but charming. Then instead of walking to the front of the stage, our man gambols and skips into position, gently tickling the conventions of chat. Once in place, the gurning can begin:
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Two examples of how to pull off the tricky task of engaging with the camera, yet not actually looking into it. Tel looks a little undignified to begin with, but soon finds his poise, hands clasped in front, ready to discharge another peroration. Time to look the viewer straight in the eye:
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Now we’ve stepped up a gear and are witnessing Wogan’s wheezes at full pelt. First we have the nonplussed shrug of the shoulders, deflating whatever pomposity was evident in tonight’s line-up. Note the slight tilt of the head – we’ll see more of this shortly. Second, the wide-eyed stare of delightful desperation. Old Tel’s up to his old tricks again! But wait, there’s more:
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Wogan cranks up the corn still further, essaying first a worried glance to the heavens, then a toothy explosion of hilarity. Phew! Now that the climax has been reached, our man can move to the conversation area and deploy his next battery of whimsy…
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…whoa! Wogan goes for not simply a tilt of the head but an entire body swerve. This is masterful stuff, coupled as it is with feigned gestures of falling asleep at the prospect of meeting tonight’s guests. Speaking of which, let’s introduce the first batch, with a little kick of the leg to reassure viewers that he is actually enjoying things after all. Tch! Once the music is done with, it’s time for the chat. Let’s examine two examples of the Wogan-as-questioner pose:
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First, a tightly-framed shot of the man at ease with his surroundings and supplicants. His interlocked hands rest on crossed legs, to help put his guests entirely in a state of good grace. In the wide shot we see Tel is resting his hands on the arm of his swivel chair, legs splayed in front in a manner that seems to have disarmed Messrs Peel and Blackburn completely. Note the shiny shoes – every inch of Wogan seems perfectly groomed for early-evening telly. Finally, two examples of Wogan testing the BBC Television Theatre to destruction by virtue of a bit of multi-media magic and some good old-fashioned prop silliness:
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Smitty and Bungalow are totally upstaged by our man, even though he’s barely a couple of inches high. Then, for good measure, Tel pretends an ordinary garden rose is some kind of joke flora that is about to emit a stream of water. The ideal note upon which to bid viewers farewell.
And there you have it: an anatomy of a Wogan, where all aspects of the man – expression, appearance, pose (both standing and sitting) and presence both alone and in company – are functioning in harmony.
Hope you were taking notes, DG.
Next week: Anatomy of a Jameson*.
*No it isn’t.
Read MorePhoto clippage special: Chris Tarrant – the wilderness years
EVERYBODY’S EQUAL (Thames, 1989)
We quite liked this, and it ran for a couple of series. Two hundred contestants – though annoyingly they often seemed to be braying City types – were ferried in en masse and announced as such by Chris. Multiple choice questions whittled them down to a winner, at least one contestant selecting the one “silly” option and being identified and humiliated by Chris. Produced by Celador, we think, with a couple of proto-’Naire touches: keypads for the audience, multiple choice questions with four answers, and the end round with ten contestants answering timed questions was surely the genesis of Fastest Finger First. Revived by C5 as Whittle with the great Tim Vine and yellow facemasks.
STARS IN THEIR EYES (Granada, 1989)
This didn’t even manage to get screened. Tarrant compered the unbroadcast pilot for the interminable Crowther/Kelly/M***** “tonight-I’m-going-to-be” karaokefest. The crucial difference between this try-out and the finished product was that the contestants had to frenetically assemble their own costume from frocks, hats and feather boas hanging on rails on stage, thereby rendering the effect less a glossy Las Vagas tribute show, more the final round of Crackerjack.
CLUEDO (Granada, 1991)
Poor old Chris hated doing this, and we don’t blame him. Hopeless whimsical “dramatised” quiz version of the Waddington’s in-the-library-with-the-lead-piping Christmas staple. Your suspects: Michael “Mustard” Jayston, Rula “Peacock” Lenska, David “Plum” McCallum, Koo “Scarlet” Stark, Mollie “White” Sugden and Richard “Green” Wilson. The major flaw was that there were six suspects, six programmes and every character was guilty once. So when you got to episode six…
THE MAIN EVENT (BBC1, 1991)
Perhaps the only television game show ever to be devised by an Australian footballer (Craig “The Anfield Rap” Johnston) – until Harry Kewell’s Lucky Lines gets commissioned, that is. Another one series only effort for Chris, which involved celebrities in the studio joining in games like, erm, charades with the competing families in their living rooms. Celebrities of the calibre of Gordon Honeycombe, mark you. Practically every round appeared to be nicked off other game shows.
LOSE A MILLION (Carlton, 1994)
Ah, the irony! Years before Chris struck gold with a quiz that gave away a million quid, he did this short-lived effort wherein the contestants started with a “notional” million quid and had to get rid of it as sharpish as possible. How they did this is far too complex to explain here. One series only, we reckon, the only other point of interest being that the flatmates in Shallow Grave were depicted watching it, for some bizarre reason, when they could have been out celebrating the death of Keith Allen instead.
MAN O MAN (Anglia, 1996)
How this kept getting recommissioned, we have no idea. It was made by Anglia, for god’s sake! Hideous Saturday night hen party “entertainment”, involving a baying crowd of 400 awful Lambrini girls “selecting” the “best” man out of a row of 10 sub-Blind Date cretins by subjecting them to various votes, tests and quizzes, and then pushing them in a swimming pool. Gah. Chris didn’t help by annoyingly walking around with his hand in his pocket at all times.
Didn’t They Do Well?
DAPPER, ARCHIVE-DIPPING return to BBC1 for a rejuvenated BRUCIE, part of a two-pronged reconquest of Auntie, the other – STRICTLY COME DANCING – to prove more durable than this sadly one-series jamboree of Forsychology. Still, it was fun while it lasted: our man twirled and twinkled his way round a shiny-floored studio comprising giant TV sets a la SATURDAY NIGHT CLIVE, grilling members of the public with general knowledge questions asked not by himself but – brilliantly – by hosts and hostesses from the Beeb’s vaults. “Let’s release those quizmasters!” Brucie would cry, and a pixellated parade of everyone from Henry Kelly to Cuddly Ken to Angie Rippon would materialise on the towers of tellies, bearing a tasty nugget of riddle-based archivery. Brucie catchphrase quotient was respectfully high: “Do you want to try for cash, or build up your stash?” “Did you enjoy that round? Well, let’s do it again!” “Where I go, my Bonuses go!” and of course the programme title itself. There was even a dash of melodramatics – “Confirm!” – whenever Bruce instructed the clips to disclose the answer to a “guess who?” question. The show’s regrettably short shelf-life can either be explained by a) Brucie’s unwillingness to interrupt his golf on two non-consecutive occasions each year or b) the commissioning of The One Show.
Runway
RICHARD MADELEY would often double your agony on precious days off school by appearing twice. At least on THIS MORNING you knew Richard would say something embarrassing or that Judy would get the shakes. Here our man simply smarmed his way through this bog-standard Granada-only (for a while) gameshow with spurious holiday theme. Odd bits included the introduction of the contestants with a little graphic of their passport and personal details listed (age was concealed, for it was one of the rounds, “guess your opponent’s age”, leading to usual Madeleyisms – “Thirty-three? You’re older than thirty-three, aren’t you? Well you look it…”) and the biggest ever rotating structure on a TV show – contestants and host perched on giant turntable, which turned at regular intervals for apparently no reason whatsoever, complete with overhead shot. Final was usual “illuminate lights on titular runway by answering questions” schtick.
Chain Letters
TAKE A WORD. Change a letter. Er, do it again. And you got [sic] a chain! Yup, one of the finest ever this-is-how-it-works theme tunes ushered in this linguistic wisp of a show, hosted, of course, by… “Here’s Beadle!” Our man claimed, with his usual modesty, that with this programme he invented the notion of contestants standing rather than sitting. But who are we to quibble. From within a CATCHPHRASE-esque “Wow! The inside of a fruit machine! Futuristic!”-style set, Beadlebum guided his minions through a parlour game annointed one of the centrepieces of ITV’s first ever weekday morning schedule. Ignominy came when Jeremy was replaced quickly by ANDREW O’CONNOR and a million others, at which point proceedings got terminally worse.
Going for Gold
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PAN-CONTINENTAL LATE 80s joke, mainly thanks to ludicrously ambitious Euro-harmony raison d’etre, and much-derided sub-Wogan compere HENRY KELLY. Original incarnation offered holiday to Seoul Olympics as first prize (cue animation of Olympic mascot swirling a ribbon thing on his head), later series strained to maintain golden theme, hence much ballyhoo about trips to pan for gold in the Australian outback, mentioned by Kelly about seven times a show (and repeated the next morning). Bland as hell, how-many-cliches-can-we-fit-in theme: “The heat is on, the time is right, it’s time for you, for you to play the game, people are coming, everyone’s trying, trying to be the best that they can, when they’re going for, going for GOLD!” The hapless Kelly usually blathered about the 28 nations taking part (handily splitting Britain into England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Guernsey, Jersey and the Isle Of Man) but no-one ever seemed to mention that the Brits had the built-in advantage of having English as their mother tongue. Perennial, never-changing format as follows: seven multi-national contestants span round on rotating desk for elimination round, perched behind seemingly metaphorical mushroom-shaped buzzers. Klaus from the Cafe Hag commercial (“Ah, Henry Kelly! Schmells good!”) turned up every day. First four contestants to get a question right progressed to the “first round proper” (eh?), the detritus spinning off to try again tomorrow. Inevitable Wednesday afternoon battle for final place between two remaining contestants invariably cast xenophobic “come on Malcolm, beat the kraut/wop/frog” air across living room/hall of residence/sixth form common room. Four qualifiers bantered uneasily with host: “I am big fan from Imran Khan” quoth one Eastern European cricket fan, while Kelly vouchsafed that “Going For Gold is so popular in Belgium”. Quite. Remaining contestants answered questions worth one, two or three points, with first three to eight progressing to one-minute “specialised subject” round: “I am not so good with the geoh-graf-ey!”. Best two went”head to head” in absurdly complex final, featuring celebrated “Where am I? I am a river in northern Africa” questions as time ticked away “in the big four zone”. Daily winners went on to Friday final, and the whole thing went on for months and months and months. Shown as part of Reg Grundy double bill after NEIGHBOURS in early daytime schedules, while no-doubt huge airfare bill for BBC was mitigated by pathetically cheap perspex trophy for daily winners. Effect on European brotherhood deemed negligible. Kelly went on to mispronounce composers’ names on Classic FM before being ousted by Simon Bates and his gossip network.
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Creamguide's Pick of the Day
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Trad Jazz Britannia
Friday, 21.00, BBC4It always amuses us when we see clips of Double Your Money and notice the category board includes both “jazz (traditional)” and “jazz (modern)”, though it is true that at that point trad really was big news, the nascent Pick of the Pops spinning off from Trad Tavern being just one example of its hold on the nation’s teens in the early sixties, despite it being influenced by music some forty years old at the time.
Points of View