What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…
(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)
TV CREAM TIMES
15th – 21st June 2002
Guest film critic – Chris ‘Should Have Known Better’ Diamond Permanent fact finder – Graham ‘Win, Lose or Draw’ Kibble-White
Hooray, it’s the moment Creamguide always looks forward to every other summer – the alternative schedules! This means that a lot of the programmes featured in this week’s Creamguide may go out at a different time than billed, or perhaps not at all. So, keep ’em peeled. But isn’t that just part of the fun of a World Cup?
Saturday 15th June
10.30 Trooping The Colour
Actually the only things we actually remember about this event are a) the fact it always used to annoy us because it meant the Saturday morning programmes finished early, and b) that bloke messing around with a gun. But it’s been shifted to BBC2, presumably to the confusion of its entire target audience, and Tom Fleming, a man who appears never to have been photographed with a pipe, is on the mike.
14.00 Captain Scarlett
It’s a bit ordinary this. Richard ‘dum-dum-dum’ Greene plays a French nobleman who comes back from the Napoleonic wars to find that his lands have been nicked. He teams up with another loser to try and win them back and there’s a woman involved as well. Hey-ho. The only thing of note is that his handless sidekick was played by a chap called Nedrick Young. No foolin’! Oh, and it’s not *that* Captain Scarlet.
21.10 Reputations: Frankie Howerd
When Creamguide went off to Kaliedoscope’s big TV archive event in Birmingham last year, they bunged on an episode of The Howerd Confessions, and it was the best thing they showed all day. Hope for more excellent clips in this new documentary, though they probably won’t include Creamguide’s personal favourite Frankie moment; that being the time he manned the “Nose Desk” alongside Simon Mayo on Red Nose Day 1989, and just went ‘Ooooooooooh!’ for five minutes non-stop.
22.05 Up Pompeii!
And it’s then followed by a welcome rerun for this. Any chance of a full repeat run of this instead of back-to-back Good Life, BBC2?
14.10 West Side Story (maybe)
“The Screen Achieves One of the Great Entertainments in the History of Motion Pictures” and ITV achieves the feat of scheduling a film that hordes of non-football watchers would love to see and then almost certainly dropping it. Although perhaps it’s only here to remind us of the BBC’s coverage of USA ’94. On a sidenote, we’re appalled in Cream Towers at the dearth of Cream films this week and the lack of any picture even remotely approaching the proposed flight path of Alf Button’s Afloat. We’re putting this down to the schedulers not wanting to follow the plan in case ‘I’ve Gotta Horse’ or ‘Murder Ahoy!’ end up being dropped because of over-running football thereby hexing the whole shebang. In any case there seems to be no better juncture to thcweam and thcweam, Come on Channel 5! (http://tv.cream.org/images/alfcamp.png)
15.00 Carry On Laughing
The first time we’ll ever look forward to extended discussions between Des and Gazza, because we’ll lose this if they go on a bit.
22.00 After They Were Famous
Eddie Kidd, and we hope they’ll show the time he appeared on The Big Breakfast and performed a jump over five people (“Aaargh, Sindy devastated!”), Geoff ‘Goeff’ Capes, who surely we all know about, Rick Buckler, who used to be Richard Herring’s music teacher, fact fans, and a double helping of ex-beauty contest hosts – Alexandra Bastedo, who did a couple of Miss Worlds, and Vince Hill, who was credited at the start of, of course, Miss Anglia 1980, but appeared to have pulled out at the very last minute and was replaced by Fred Dinenage. What a long sentence that was.
22.30 TV Nightmares 7
This is the downside of England getting to the last sixteen, of course. And we can’t remember a single thing about this one, other than Penk’s an idiot in it. Obviously.
23.30 The Untouchables
“AL CAPONE. He ruled Chicago with absolute power. No one could touch him. No one could stop him. Until Eliot Ness and a small force of men swore they’d bring him down.” Mind you, by the time they’d have finished reading that tagline they’d have been too exhausted to do anything about him. It’s still great though and gets better with each viewing and Robert ‘enthusiasms, enthusiasms’ De Niro and Sean ‘here endeth the lesson’ Connery have never been better.
05.10 Sons and Daughters
And actually the ice hockey might overrun and this could be dropped as well. This is one of those weeks where we’re a hell of a lot of use, isn’t it?
Sunday 16th June
14.30 Dad’s Army
The Ireland match is before it so there’s every chance this could be dropped, but on the plus side…
18.20 That Was Life
…it almost guarantees we’ll be getting this. Postponed from the day after the Queen Mother died, this documentary about the Sunday night bust cookers’n’busts show could be fantastic, as long as we have big long profiles of all the nancies and what they’re doing now. Confirmation of whether Cyril Fletcher is dead or not would be a help as well. “That’s your lot/It’s all you’ve got/It’s the naaaaame of the gaaaaaame!/Heeeeeeeere’s/That’s Life!”
12.00 Star Trek
…is not going to be on because On The Record has been moved over instead. So, er, not sure why we bothered listing it. Only to say that, if they want to make On The Record more popular with young people, they know what to do – make it just about the crocodile!
21.00 World Cup Heroes
What this is going to tell us about Bobby Moore we haven’t heard in many thousands of documentaries before – including the one with Greavsie in the other week – is completely beyond us, but there might be some fascinating and funny clips in any case. SPOILER: England win 4-2.
23.30 Room 101
Normally this series is awful, but this one’s great because Michael Grade’s the guest, and he’s brilliant, and he puts childrens’ programme Doctor Who in, which is completely right and hilariously got loads of precious Whovians whinging about his ‘unprofessionalism’ for doing so. And pointing out that lots of people in the audience put their hands up when he asked them if they wanted it kept out, you know, so that proves how much people love it and want it to return. Better still, there’s a clip of the 1984 BBC1 Christmas globe, which is fantastic.
14.30 Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (perhaps)
“Nice guys finish last. Meet the winners.” Great tagline, great film. We really like this if only because we finally have a Cream cast member to name check in Anton ‘Fields’ Rogers. Also involved are Steve ‘Iron Balls McGinty’ Martin and Michael ‘Blue Ice’ Caine competing against each other for laughs. Caine holds out well but we defy anyone not to laugh out loud at Rupret. Oh, alright then… And yes, it’s stand-in-film-bloke’s Pick Of The Week (cos The Godfather Part II doesn’t have Ian MacDiarmid in it), so obviously it’s almost certainly not going to be in. Instead…
14.45 Carry On Laughing
Let’s hope the Ireland match goes to penalties.
23.20 Classic Albums
Apparently this is a new episode, but there was a chance it wouldn’t be on, and the Radio Times billing is simply “The best of Lou Reed”. Does that mean it’s the making of his greatest hits album, then? Or hopefully, Metal Machine Music.
Another new one? How many more of them are there? Anyway, this reached new heights last week when Adrian Mills opened up a fast food kiosk in London, and we had to bet on how much he overcharged two tourists ordering chicken and chips (fifty quid!). Comedy doesn’t get any better than that.
17.35 The King and I
A new animated version! Although the original’s been on twice in the last six months, so you might know the plot, and it won’t live up to the original strapline, “In the complete grandeur of Cinemascope 55! Richer – Deeper – Clearer!”
20.00 Maradona: The Good, The Mad and the Ugly
Another C5 football documentary covering the same ground every other channel’s already done in the last few weeks, hilariously just at the moment Argentina have gone out of the World Cup. Although their England vs Argentina documentary was apparently loads better than the C4 one, but nobody knows because everyone was sick of hearing about the bloody thing by the time they showed it.
Monday 17th June
14.10/14.55 Just Good Friends
We dunno what matches each channel’s going to pick today, so we dunno what time this is going to be on.
17.00 Blue Peter
Similarly, the squashed-up, two-schedule RT means that this programme not only doesn’t get a billing, so we dunno what’s going to be on it, but it’s also billed in the tiniest typeface ever, which is shameful. However the RT is still loads better than Heat’s attempt at making sense of today’s programming, by simply printing one schedule and then saying ‘There may be an alternative schedule’. Cheers for that.
18.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons
Not to be confused with that film on Saturday. This one’s probably a bit more realistic.
22.00 The Day Today
Thanks to Creamguide subscriber Ian Maddox for answering our “What happened to Crispin?” question last week – apparently he now runs a bar in Mexico, fact fans. Anyway, this is the last of the run, it’s as brilliant as all the others, and seeing this series on telly again has been an absolute joy. Now go out and buy the videos.
It’s all happening on RI:SE, then, with Colin Murray seemingly about to leave, and the production team, bizarrely, begging him to stay (http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/tv_and_radio/newsid_2034000/ 2 034446.stm). Some mistake, shurely?
09.30 Little House On The Prarie
Besides, what does it say about the show’s production team, in any case, that they considered a Radio 1 Evening Session presenter, music writer, magazine editor, A&R man and club night organiser (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/alt/nireland/ni_team.shtml) the perfect frontman for their current affairs coverage?
11.20 Only Angels Have Wings (possibly)
“Thrilling As Love Born Amid A Thousand Fabulous Adventures!” Now this might not be on either, but this time due to the cricket! I ask you! Top notch Howard Hawks doin’s starring Cary ‘English-Country-Garden’ Grant and Rita ‘see below’ Hayworth.
13.30 The Fortune Cookie (perchance)
“How Harry Hinkle became a fortune cookie.” Now this really is a treat (and thus may also not be on). Walter ‘grumpy’ Matthau and Jack ‘grumpy too’ Lemmon star in this fabulous romp as Lemmon is coerced by brother-in-law Matthau (who won an Oscar for this) to fake his mild injury in order to squeeze a fortune out of the insurance company. The only downside is that in Britain it was released as ‘Meet Whiplash Willie’. Groo.
11.00 TJ Hooker
Of which, more later. For a change.
=WALL of FACT=
Hello! It’s the penultimate “Wall of Fact” this week, meaning that next week will be the last episode in the current series. Yes, “Ahhhhhh” indeed. Now, Jeremy.
“It’s the day today (June 14) but in 1856 and a very nasty individual was hanged in Stafford. Can you guess who he is? Yes, it was William Palmer, the genial practitioner who’d poisoned his family”
Where does he get them from? Great. Now, at a *fact*or of five here’s our info on the week’s telly.
1) Robert Kilroy-Silk’s KILROY has boasted over 1,700 editions, with 120,000 guests. And “four or five” hoax contributors. Kilroy is on BBC1 on weekday mornings.
2) Gloria Hunniford features on the Foster & Allen track “True Love” on the Partners In Rhyme album. Gloria can be seen every weekday at 14.20 on Channel 5 in OPEN HOUSE WITH GLORIA HUNNIFORD.
3) When EASTENDERS was first mooted, Tony Holland and Julia Smith received an almost unanimously negative reaction from their BBC colleagues. This has since been rationalised as, “It seemed their only crime was to love the audience.” EastEnders can be seen on BBC1 on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
4) TJ Hooker’s full name is Thomas Jefferson Hooker. TJ HOOKER is on weekdays at 11.00 on Channel 5. (Factxtra: Adrian Zmed who played Vince Romano didn’t appear in the final series, possibly because he’d been asked to host the dance-a-thon show DANCE FEVER instead).
5) Chris Barrie “can’t chat to women” according to Hayley Woods, who as a student was seconded to work on THE BRITTAS EMPIRE in 1995. Chris can be seen on BLACKADDER THE THIRD on BBC1 at 21.30.
Those are all the facts we’ve got time for this week. Make sure you don’t miss our final edition next time. It’ll be fact-filled… and that’s a fact!
Tuesday 18th June
14.10/14.55 Just Good Friends
And if it’s on at 14.55, it means that Ascot is on BBC2 and we don’t get Westminster Live at all! Yes, Penny and Vince have been deemed more important than what the government are doing, and that’s official.
10.50 Hoppity Goes To Town
“The screen’s first full-length musical comedy cartoon” this Fleischer piece boasted. Hmmmm… wouldn’t that have been Snow White? Anyway, it’s quite good this as Hoppity helps out a colony of creepy crawlies threatened with homelessness by building work. Does he do something desperately anachronistic like try and trek them across the countryside in an evermore dangerous and increasingly hopeless and pathetic trail for safety only ever postponing the day when the fast pace of human progress overtakes them, like that idiot fox in The Animals Of Farthing Wood? Nope, Hoppity isn’t daft and leads them up to the penthouse of the new block where they may partake of the central heating and eat their fill. On the upside, Hoppity is voiced by Jack ‘Popeye’ Mercer; on the downside the songs by Hoagy Carmichael are pretty rubbish. Makes a change from Disney anyway. But why is it on this morning? Are the schools off somewhere, then?
12.05 The Phil Silvers Show
The first of no doubt umpteen daytime screenings this summer. Which is all to the good.
Some great stuff on this show last week, including that truly brilliant performance by Zoo to Automatic by the Pointer Sisters, with the fat moustachioed blokes twirling fans around, plus Argentine Melody by San Jose. Sold like hot cakes, that did. But we also had an example of the worst of Wright, when he referred to it as ‘the ITV theme to a World Cup in the late seventies’. Does this ‘written by’ credit not mean you have to do more than bloody five seconds of research? Grrr. Anyway, Macca, Shaky and, it says here, *three* new records, which is not on.
09.00 Little House On The Prairie
Erk! Bewitched has suddenly disappeared, only to be replaced by this five days a week. So for the sake of Creamguide’s sanity, we’ll just say every day from now at this time, OK?
11.00 TJ Hooker
Why we’ve never said it for this, God only knows.
Wednesday 19th June
14.10 Just Good Friends
Shock horror today there is no football on television at all. This may help you while you ponder what to do with all that spare time.
17.00 Blue Peter
At least we know what’s going on today, it’s a look ahead to what’s on at the pictures this summer, plus music from Amy Studt, who Creamguide reckons is a 21st Century Girls for the, er, 21st Century.
20.00 Only Fools and Horses
Jesus! How can this *possibly* be Yuppy Love again? This must be the fifteenth showing or something! I mean…
22.35 Falling Down
“A tale of urban reality”. Not round my bit of urban it isn’t. Michael ‘nepotism’ Douglas stars as either a victim of modern society frustrated to the point of madness by the callousness of a post-industrial wilderness where the rights of the individual are challenged at every turn and decency and civility are lost in a maelstrom of consumerism and corporate heartlessness, or a self-obsessed moany nutter: take your pick. The best bit is right at the start in the convenience store cos the Korean bloke’s hilarious but it’s got a good cast including Robert ‘who told him Ally McCoist could act?’ Duvall and Barbara ‘obvious nickname’ Hershey.
00.55 The Detective
Now we won’t be hearing a word against this because all Frank Sinatra films are great and it is true because it is a fact. The Voice stars as a copper investigating the murder of a homosexual prostitute that leads into a world of corruption and vice. Sounds good? It *is* good! A bit of “I don’t mind them as long as they leave me alone” but surprisingly enlightened and a terrific performance by Sinatra. Also with Jack ‘conk’ Klugman, Robert ‘didn’t spend long enough practicing his Scottish accent, either’ Duvall and, would you believe, Sugar Ray Robinson.
06.50 What Have The Eighties Ever Done For Us?
You’ll have woken up by now, because your body clock will still be operating on Japanese time, so it’s the perfect chance to catch this.
On last Wednesday’s show we got the incredible video for Gilbert O’Sullivan’s new single, where the entire budget appeared to have been spent on booking Harry Hill. And Gilbert singing about sex is sort of creepy, actually. Tonight we’ve got Big Country, Heatwave, Cyndi Lauper and the ludicrously-named Moments and Whatnauts.
06.00 Ivor The Engine
We’re pissed off the Clangers isn’t on this week as we have loads of information about C4’s screenings of it. And nothing on this.
“There NEVER was a woman like Gilda” says the posters (as does the Radio Times: poster taglines used in film reviews? Sounds familiar…). Anyway, trouble and strife down South America way with Rita ‘second time this week’ Hayworth as the eponymous heroine and Glen ‘Superman’ Ford and George ‘Tora! ‘ Macready as the two men who love and hate her though not necessarily at the same time nor in that order. It’s a bit convoluted. And it’s the film that that bit in the Shawshank Redemption where they’re sitting in the cinema and Rita Hayworth appears on screen and throws her hair back comes from, fact fans.
05.45 Ivor The Engione
Are you just doing this to wind us up?
11.00 TJ Hooker
21.00 The Dirty Dozen
“Train them! Excite them! Arm them! Then let them loose on the Nazis!” Well, that pretty much sums the plot up for this famous load of enjoyable old bobbins. Take one step forward Marvin, Bronson, Sutherland, Savalas, Borgnine, Brown and the rest of the gang and give those naughty Nazis a real ass-kickin’…if you don’t mind, that is.
Thursday 20th June
21.50 Inside The Murdoch Dynasty
There doesn’t seem to be much information about this documentary, but we’d like to see it in case they show some really old Sky clips; whether it be the launch of it in Swindon (where it went under the imaginative name of ‘Satellite TV’) or the early days of Sky Channel, home of Bob Warman’s Price Is Right, Cheggers’ Star Search, Pat Sharp’s CocaCola Eurochart and, of course, DJ Kat.
01.50 What Have The Nineties Ever Done For Us?
What a crappy day for Cream-related programming.
10.00 The Lady From Shanghai
“I told you…you know nothing about wickedness!” Yachts, murders, faked deaths, money, court trials; it’s all go in Orson ‘how can I put the emphasis on In’ Welles’ cracking Film Noir. With Rita ‘it’s that woman again ‘ Hayworth and, as an added extra, Errol Flynn in an uncredited role hanging around as an extra. If you spot him let us know, cos we’ve never been able to find him.
11.00 TJ Hooker
14.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
Aha! Convenient that racing and tennis turned up today, because it means that Paul Nicholas can appear on Glo’s sofa, and you don’t have to worry about whether to watch him on this or Just Good Friends. Complementary scheduling, see.
Friday 21st June
14.10/14.55 Just Good Friends
It’s scheduled today, but if England or Ireland are still in contention for the World Cup, this could be anywhere, really. Still got time for that slot at 16.35 when both CBBC and CITV are showing S Club 7 programmes, though.
21.30 Blackadder The Third
Bloody hell, Radio Times, it’s not called Blackadder III! Something for the new editor (of Eve, Maxim and Company?) to sort out.
23.15 Jasper Carrott – Back To The Front (if, then…)
This’ll only appear if England or Ireland have gone out, and though we don’t wish to cast ill on them, it would also mean we’d get Jim Davidson as well. So it’s up to you, Sven and Mick.
20.30 The Joy Of Gardening
This last went out at Christmas in an hour-long slot, and now it’s been chopped up into two half hours. It’s a celebration of fifty years of telly gardening, and as far as we know doesn’t include ‘They must be mentally ill!’, but does, oddly, include comments from Graeme le Saux and Dean Holdsworth.
14.45 Carry On Laughing (could be)
How come this is the official ITV filler programme anyway? Have we run out of The Planet’s Funniest Animals?
06.00 Ivor The Engine
Come on, show the Clangers next week. We’ve got some fascinating stuff to tell you about it.
19.30 Think TV
It’s the unwelcome return of Right to Reply! Produced by Roger Bolton, too.This looks like a pilot to us, as for an hour a load of media students will sit around earnestlessly and humourlessly discussing reality TV, only about two years too late, nobody will say anything of any worth, nobody will learn anything and nothing will be achieved. There’ll also be the results of thepolls they’ve been running after C4 News on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, where they’ll be asking whether we think reality TV is a) fake (well, they’ve been produced for television), b) too tame (eh?) and c) a boring rip-off (of what?). This is bound to be the worst thing on television this week, you mark our words.
11.00 TJ Hooker
And, if it’s anything like BBC News Online’s Talking Points about Big Brother, it’ll include half a dozen people going ‘Who cares, Big Brother is crap and anyone who watches it is sad’, like that’s a new and surprising opinion, and if that’s the case, why have they bothered to comment on it?
05.10 Sons and Daughters
Much like when they do Talking Points on Will Young or Hear’Say, and half a dozen people go ‘Who cares, this is manufactured music for teeny boppers’, as if manufactured acts hadn’t existed for fifty years and made some bloody good pop songs, and as if this somehow stopping anyone listening to whatever ‘real’ (ie, boring) music they want to. Just shut up. What were we talking about again?
Bankrupt “People are going onto librium! And it’s not right!” Another chance to see the story of Sir Ray of Gosling, which is actually quite sad, but unfortunately Ray is, as Bob Mills noted, a bit boring.
Takeover TV – We’re not sure why this doesn’t get a repeat at any time during the week, even if it’s because of Big Brother you’ve still got the same three episodes of Friends twice in less than 24 hours, and Sex and the City every day. Actually they could do a revised repeat without the videos and just leaving in Adam and Joe’s bits, it’d certainly be more entertaining.
Saturday, 18.30, 00.00
The Kenny Everett Video Show – As we’ve probably said before, our favourite bit of the only episode of this we’ve ever seen – when C4 repeated the 1979 New Year’s Day show in 1995, and even that was edited – was the interview with Rod Stewart, because they sit on swivel chairs they’ve clearly nicked from an office, Rod’s drinking coffee from a plastic cup (which ends up in Ken’s face) and, best of all, Ken’s wearing a freebie Thames T-Shirt. All telly should be made like that.
Monday-Friday, 20.30, 23.30
In Sickness And In Health – Chris Diamond reckons this is funnier than Til Death, or at least it was in 1985, not 1992. Thankfully we’ve not got that far yet, and this week’s episodes will make for interesting and sad viewing because Dandy Nichols dies after Monday’s show.
Sunday, 00.55, Friday, 23.40
A Bit Of Fry And Laurie – Bit presumptious of Media Guardian this week to specualte on whether Stephen would be able to be the new presenter of Have I Got News For You, you could at least wait for Angus to actually leave first. And it’s nothing like Richard Bacon, anyway. Mind you, if Stephen did it, we might actually start watching again.
The Kenny Everett Television Show – Oops, nearly forgot. “My father’s advice, I’ll never forget it – never a borrower, nor a git be.”
Monty Python’s Flying Circus – And in no way was that just an excuse to avoid having to think of new billings for these two programmes. Oh no.
Sarturday, 01.00, Sunday, 20.00
Pop Years – Saturday is 1991 again, most notable for the Human League seemingly not actually liking anything (Suzanne on Smells Like Teen Spirit – “I know everyone says it’s an important record, but I just didn’t like it”; Suzanne on Set Adrift On Memory Bliss – “I bought True in 1982, I can stand and talk over it if I want to”; Phil on Unfinished Sympathy – “That wasn’t a song, it was the backing for a video”). When not wondering why Rachel Stevens had elected to be interviewed while sitting on the floor next to a sofa, there was also the videos for Vanilla Ice’s Rolling In My 5.0 and I Love You, footage of the Bay City Rollers comeback with Eric Faulkener’s girlfriend on vocals, The Osmond Boys, Gabby Logan admitting she was such a fan of Salt’n’Pepa that “I used to try and simulate things they did in the videos”, a good couple of minutes on Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter, and for some reason a clip of Pam St Clement outside the premiere of Mel Gibson’s Hamlet, claiming that “he makes Shakespeare totally understandable”. And Narinder. 1985 on Sunday.
Listings refer to England except stated, and everything’s all over the place next week so keep one eye on Ceefax, we reckon.
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Comments directed… at them – Steve ‘Dinosaur Detectives’ Berry, Chris ‘Computer Arts Special’ Hughes, Ian ‘Off The Telly’ Jones, Simon ‘It’s Up For Grabs Now’ Tyers