What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…
(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)
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TV CREAM TIMES
14th – 20th September 2002
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Norman, Diamond: “films”
Kibble-White: “sarcasm”
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Saturday 14th Seotember
BBC1
17.35 Only Fools and Horses
Anyone watching these shows for the first time must be getting confused, as last week we had an episode when Del and Rodney were both in relationships, and Del had a son, followed by an episode where they were both single and were living with Grandad. Now Uncle Albert’s just shown up. Presumably Only Fools and Horses is now a set text so everyone is aware of where each episode falls in the canon.
BBC2
13.10 Columbo
14.45 Quincy
15.30 Perry Mason
And they still haven’t shown that Morecambe and Wise double bill they promised.
17.15 Reach for the Sky
The very worthy story of the very worthy Douglas Bader who was doing very worthy work flying then crashed and had to learn to walk after having his lower legs amputated but managed to continue his worthy work again flying in the war. All very worthy and of course, crashing in the first place wasn’t his own fault at all. With the very worthy Kenneth More.
21.15 Once Upon a Time in America
This week’s Really Great Big Film comes from Sergio Leone and stars James ‘you would be in hysterics’ Woods and Robert De Niro – proving once again in the opium den scenes that he always looks dead insincere when trying to act happy – in this tale of friends and the nasty things they got up to across a lifetime of being, well, not very nice gangsters basically. It’s just about the full length version which requires a lot of viewing but it’s grand stuff and also features Danny Aiello, which we believe is compulsory for this type of thing.
ITV
17.55 Bruce Forsyth’s Play Your Cards Right
We only caught the first ten minutes of this last week as our tea was ready, though that proves the first big mistake of this revamp – the programme must be on Fridays at 7pm, Saturday is all wrong. Anyway, there’s a nasty new arrangement of the theme, and a fairly pointless new game where four couples (four! That’s wrong too!) walk on in turn and pick a card (normal sized cards, not big huge ones) from the deck in front of Brucie, and the two who pick highest go through to the normal business and the other two go out straight away, which is pointless. They’re not even offered a drink in the bar afterwards. That’s about all we saw, but we know one thing – if Brucie doesn’t do ‘So much better than last week’s!’ on this show, we’re switching off for good.
21.15 It’ll Be Alright On The Night 15
Used to be we got one of these every two years to keep the concept fresh, now this is the third new show in eighteen months. And the last few have been fairly disappointing as well. But it’s the 25th anniversary of the series, so there’s every chance Denis’ll show some Creamy clips.
01.25 Forever
New romantics come under Andy Darling’s spotlight, and they won’t play Instinction by Spandau Ballet so we’re really not interested.
CHANNEL 4
00.30 Scum
After the poor “me too!” effort Scrubbers last week, here’s the real deal. Well, the film remake of the real deal, but it retains director Alan Clarke, and most of the original cast (main exceptions being David ‘Nightingales’ Threlfall, replaced here by Mick ‘The Knowledge’ Ford as the bright, bolshy Archer, and Bill ‘Harry Cross’ Dean). Anyone who still can’t reel off the many catchphrases and violent set-pieces by heart is on governor’s report.
CHANNEL 5
08.00 James The Cat
Aberdeen’s greatest export.
23.10 Caligula
Back to those halcyon days of 25th August, 2002 – “This is – just about – a Channel Four, as opposed to Channel Five, bit of thinly-justified dirt,” wrote Creamguide (Films). Of course, we had no idea that “Five” would, within a matter of bloody weeks, have acquired the licence for this “miraculously shoddy Penthouse production scripted by a highly embarrassed Gore Vidal and directed by pretentious schlockmeister and top polishing product Tinto Brass” and then bunged it out almost immediately, with not a care nor worry as to the sheer pointlessness of this activity. Again, the only reason anyone reading this should bother is the presence of Patrick “Magee makes deals. Barratt make moves” Allen. And, more pertinently than ever, “the version on show here is a fairly intact full-length original (US) cinema release, although the notorious “six minutes of sex” added by Penthouse have been tastefully panned and scanned in places.” Basically, it’s shit, whatever channel it’s on.
05.10 Sons and Daughters
At least this hasn’t been screened for a while. On Friday too.
Sunday 15th September
BBC1
12.35 ‘Allo ‘Allo!
Today’s theme appears to be ‘Summer Saturday nights circa a decade ago’, as we also have…
13.00 Return from Witch Mountain
Christopher Lee and Bette Davis (resembling EL Wisty and Beryl Reid respectively) take over from Ray Milland to go after supernatural kids Kim ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ Richards and Ike ‘Duffy Moon’ Eisenmann and exploit their Gellerlike powers for nefarious, power station-sabotaging ends. Textbook ’70s Disney live action flim flam.
16.50 Points of View
The only place on telly for the public to get their views heard, and rightly so, because anyone who ever reads Chatterbox on page 591 of Ceefax knows full well that the public generally don’t know jack about telly. So in a way, we don’t mind the fact that Tel pays not a blind bit of notice to anything anyone says.
18.05 This Is Your Life
A new episode? A repeat? Unfortunately we can’t tell you that.
22.55 Midnight Run
Just to prove how versatile Bobby De Niro really is, here he is not only on BBC1 but also in a comedy! This may be the kind of film your Dad *really* likes and it is funny but, let’s face it, it’s not The Big Bus, is it? Anyway, regardless of all the plaudits for versatility that De Niro got it’s Charles Grodin who gets most of the laughs as he gets transported across country by De Niro whilst being chased by the mob. Never a dull moment, eh?
BBC2
18.05 The Agony and the Ecstasy
Two coats, one afternoon! Rex Harrison gets Charlton Heston in to do his ceiling in this stupendously bad and boring Michaelangelo biopic.
22.00 The Essential… Michael Jackson
And after three weeks the Radio Times finally gets the name of the programme right. Not quite sure how they can cover the whole of Jacko’s life in forty minutes, but they’ll have a go regardless.
00.10 Something Wild
Time to repeat another recent billing out of context, and arrogantly leave it unchanged so as to make recent subscribers (if there were any) unsub in annoyed bewilderment – “Uptight businessman Jeff Daniels (“Sometimes I don’t even move a muscle, baby”) hooks up with “wild” good-time girl Melanie Griffith (“You know, sometimes I don’t think right”) commits a few petty thefts (“I went out and stole a new pair of shoes”) smashes a few shop windows (“There’s a hole where the wind blows through/And some curtains too”) and visits her parents, to the consternation of her ex-convict dad (“A hungry wolf/An angry child/Something wild”) to a soundtrack of David Byrne (“Searching for the meek and mild”), New Order (“I hear voices in the hall”) and, er, UB40 (“I wake up and it’s nothing at all”).” We could just put “last shown on ITV, Tuesday, 21st May,” but where’s the fun in that?
CHANNEL 4
06.10 The Magic Roundabout
14.05 The Train
Burt Lancaster is a railwayman charged by dastardly naughty Nazi Paul Scofield with moving a train full of art loot out of Paris and on to Germany. It’s action ahoy! as Burt and his Resistance chums set about thwarting the swines and preventing the paintings from leaving the country. Hoorah! Best film of the week, we’re saying.
CHANNEL 5
15.05 Around the World in 80 Days
Since the story’s a bit superfluous here – the title’s a bit of a giveaway on that front – we feel it’s better just to list those attributes that make it worthwhile; David ‘Candleshoe’ Niven, Robert ‘see me backstage’ Morley, Noel ‘Papili’ Coward, John ‘go screw yourself’ Gielguid, Cesar ‘Joker’ Romero, Robert ‘Jim lad’ Newton, Shirley ‘fickle finger’ MacLaine, Peter ‘stop twisting my arm’ Lorre, George ‘marvellous dancer’ Raft, Glynis ‘Hardy Kruger’ Johns. Among others, naturally. Time, we’ll fight against the time, and soon be on the on the white wings of the wind… de dum de dum dum…
18.55 Ghostbusters
Oft-screened source of a million childhood disappointments starring Annie ‘he must practice on melons or something’ Potts. Incidentally, good to see last week’s ITV ratings confirm that Star Wars is officially Not As Good As Bond. Or indeed Holby City. Result!
Monday 16th September
BBC1
14.35 Murder She Wrote
How much longer are we getting this for? Every day this week too.
17.00 Blue Peter
A fine start to the new sort-of series last Monday, with the team presenting the first ten minutes of the show from outside, regardless of the fact it was absolutely pouring with rain, and also showing Liz’s wedding photos which, to be honest, was all we’d actually tuned in for. Today there’s the first report from the expedition to Morocco. And not Mozambique, like we stupidly said last week. Call ourselves fans, eh?
22.35 One On One
Last week’s Tel show was good fun, as we’d expected, because you really can’t go long with a load of clips from London’s verdant Shepherd’s Bush Green. Mind you, loads of them came from the Saturday night version, although they didn’t bother referring to that at all. Tonight, Ronnie Corbett, and we should hear the theme tune to Sorry! which is Creamguide’s favourite TV theme ever. And Small Talk too – “Hello, Mr Cornet!” That was the catchphrase.
BBC2
13.15 Taxi
When the biopic of Andy Kaufman was released in 2000, BBC2 started screening episodes of this at 5.35pm, but then within a fortnight they’d already dropped it – half-arsed even by their standards. They’ve never really known what to do with it since, though this week it’s on every day except Friday.
23.20 I’m Alan Partridge
“…and a hot egg.”
ITV
02.50 The Entertainers
This show really isn’t pulling it’s weight on Creamguide and if it doesn’t shape up it’s being dropped. In the meantime, Barbara Windsor’s the subject, billed here as “EastEnders star”, though given it’s a decade old, don’t expect much behind-the-scenes gossip from the Square.
CHANNEL 4
09.00 Happy Days
The schools are all officially back so it’s the triumphant return of the post-RI:SE archive slot. Every day at this time.
23.55 The Howling
Any film with Patrick ‘Dr Plocostomus’ Macnee, Slim ‘Major Kong’ Pickens and David Carradine can’t be bad and, just to prove it, this is good! It’s yer actual werewolf film that came out at the same time as An American Werewolf In London but didn’t quite have the effect that that did, ostensibly because John Carpenter got there first. We know, however, that it was because The Howling doesn’t have Brian Glover in. In any case it’s well worth a look, especially if you haven’t seen it before, cos it’s actually scary, would you believe.
CHANNEL 5
06.30 Dappledown Farm
11.00 Magnum PI
Perhaps the first time these programmes have been billed together anywhere, but we’ve got nothing to say about them except “every day at this time”.
21.00 Down and Out in Beverly Hills
So Bette Midler and Richard Dreyfus are dead miserable in their Beverley Hills mansion with their neurotic kids, constant sunshine, tonnes of nosh, swimming pool and quirky dog. Boo hoo, you’re breaking my heart. We’ve always found this film intensely annoying and commented that only in America could you have a film about a homeless man coming amongst the super rich to commit suicide and have the rich ones be the victims. But, there are some nice moments anyway and the dog is always worth watching.
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RT REVIEW: Your TV weakly.
>>THE COVER
Tom Hanks is doing the face that Harry Enfield used to do at the start of his programme. And we don’t like that.
>>EDITOR’S LETTER
Well, we’re kind of skipping this this week (although can someone tell us what’s going on here: “As someone’s [sic] who’s had it up to here”? ) cos we’re too excited about the Letter of the Week.
>>LETTERS ENTERTAIN YOU
While we fret about other aspects of the RT, we have to concede that that woman Hudson does know how to compile a good letters page. We really can’t remember a period when this section was so plump with bad-tempered whingers willing to use the phrase “dumbing down” without being at all self-consciousness. It’s great! “Chief Inspector Derek Conway must be turning in his grave at the rapid dumbing-down of The Bill”. Ping! “The Chair is the most appalling quiz programme I have ever seen on prime-time television.” Ping! “I believed that it was impossible to dumb down British television any deeper that [sic] it already is, but I was wrong.” Ping! Truly this is a catalogue of ill feeling even greater than the Radio Creamguide Ed’s much feared “No Thanks To …” list. But all of this is so much flannel when we take into account the Letter of the Week which, as soon as you start to read it, you know is going to end up like this: “I long to see a present-day BBC series that matches the sheer fun and entertainment value of, for example, the pre-eighties Doctor Who episodes”. This is a textbook example of a loony trying to drop in a Dr Who reference as though it simply happens to be part of a wider tableau of TV programmes that he could reference (“for example”, tch!). But that niggling phrase “pre-eighties” gives the game away, right? We long to see the first draft of this letter which we’re sure originally put it “the pre-JNT era”. And more on this story… the correspondent himself, one Raymond MacFadyen, was actually born “Raymond Twatt” (FACT!) but chose the name MacFadyen in later life. Currently he busies himself laying on Dr Who exhibitions that are simply an elaborate excuse for him to showcase his own fan-art of eight floating heads and a TARDIS. “For example”, our collective TVC arses!
>>HOLBY CITY WATCH
Page 65 (Alison Graham’s page, obviously) and a bizarre reference to Jeremy Edwards having a bad hair day. And page 90, where it makes the Choice selection for Tuesday. As selected by Alison Graham, obviously.
>>AC
Still going strong with more on-the-ball grumblings. They’ll soon have to bill him “The Man They Cannot Gag” and we bet he keeps a “No Thanks To …” list as well.
>>GOLDEN GRAHAMS
“Isn’t Nigella Lawson going too far when she lasciviously refers to her mouth as being ‘accommodating’?” asks Alison Graham. Only when it’s quoted on a page that also contains a picture of your face, is our reply.
>>BEST CAPTION
Best billing has been waylaid this week, so we’re bringing you best picture caption in the meantime. It’s on page 13 and reads, simply, “Stunt men and gypsies”.
>>RT FARTY
This week we’re delighted to welcome in Simon Tyers and award him our junior press-packer notebook, a screen-grab of Tony Currie and a special plastic wallet to keep it in. Yes, Simon has become the first member of our special RT Farty club by filing the following report. Firstly Simon alerts us to the fact that the billing for Friday’s Brazilian Championship Football on C4 in this week’s RT is not annotated as a repeat, and actually states “Beginning a new series of championship football from Brazil”, despite the fact there are also programmes on Saturday and Wednesday. And secondly, well it’s over to Simon… “The bit in Rough Cut where it says ITV1 are bringing back Loose Women and ‘hope to tempt back original presenters Jane Moore, Nadia Sawalha and Kaye Adams’, may leave the ladies wondering what they’ve been presenting for the last two weeks.” Good work Simon! But now it’s over to you, the readers of Creamguide. If you want to join Simon as a RT Farty then send in your own reports for this section. Go on! Simon’s already moaning that he’s finding it “galling” being the only one having to order off the kids’ menu in the TVC Towers canteen. That’s the spirit, Simon!
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Tuesday 17th September
BBC1
14.05 Doctors
The cast list for this programme in RT is really confusing, but we think today’s the day we see the welcome return of “Father” Tom O’Connor.
BBC2
18.20 TOTP2
Elvis died on Creamguide’s mother’s birthday and Marc Bolan on Creamguide’s sister’s. If we were a seminal popstar we’d tread carefully on September 28th, as that’s our dad’s birthday. Anyway, here’s a T Rex special.
22.00 Porridge
Better than everything in the Monday night Comedy Zone.
REGIONALIA!
22.00 Gareth Gwenlan – Maestro (Wales only)
While everyone else is seeing Syd Lotterby in action, Wales present this tribute to another production stalwart. Presumably we’ll have loads of clips of Perrin and Only Fools and Horses, and not quite so many of Honey For Tea. Friend of Creamguide Jill Phythian would like to suggest an alternative name for this programme – ‘I Wish I Was In Gareth Gwenland’.
ITV
21.50 The Frank Skinner Show
This was a bit odd last week as they seemed to extend it by ten minutes just for the hell of it – and it was preceded by Frank coming in over the credits of Star Wars and chatting for a bit, which is good cos it’ll have buggered it up for anyone trying to tape it for all eternity. Maybe tonight he’ll do the same at the end of the preceding Liverpool match.
CHANNEL 4
06.00 The Magic Roundabout
21.00 Whitney Houston: The True Story
Creamguide’s sister, as you all know, always wanted her hair like Whitney circa I Wanna Dance With Somebody. This is the paper-thin justificication we’re using to stick this profile of her (Whitney, not our sister) in today’s listings.
Wednesday 18th September
BBC1
17.00 Blue Peter
Mind you, they didn’t endear themselves to us last week when Konnie did a five-minute interview with Basil Brush without pointing out that not only does he have the wrong voice, he also has the wrong body. Why not say he’s Basil’s son or something?
BBC2
13.40 Five Weeks in a Balloon
Daft Irwin Allenisation of an early Jules Verne story, with the motley likes of Red Buttons, Fabian (singing the rotten title song, natch), Barbara ‘Jeannie’ Eden and Peter Lorre sailing over Imperial Africa in said contraption, with fairly predictable results. Summed up by the poster tagline – “Climb aboard for the fun-venture of the year!” What is this, Yogi’s Treasure Hunt?
18.20 TOTP2
So apparently one of the seminal British bands of the past forty years is Doctor and the Medics, according to this show. And Wednesday’s theme was ‘number ones’, of which there were about 1500 different tracks they could have chosen from. Just so we know the level this show’s working at. Back to normal today, with Blancmange, In Deep and the Inspiral Carpets – but alas, no, it isn’t I Want You with Mark E Smith.
20.00 Funny Women
If it’s not The Good Life, it’ll be the umpteenth repeat of this tribute to Patricia Routledge – mind you, we always used to like Kitty off Victoria Wood.
CHANNEL 4
21.00 The Real Michael Barrymore
Never mind what he’s done recently; we want Get Set Go (“Please welcome my Girl Friday, on a Monday!”), Mick and Mac, Sebastian the Incredible Drawing Dog and Michael Barrymore’s Saturday Night Out. Specifically, of course, “Everybody’s doin’ The Crab/won’t you try it too?”
Thursday 19th September
BBC1
REGIONALIA!
19.00 Wales Today at 40 (er, Wales only)
“A summary of the day’s events, in report, picture and interview.” Creamguide never liked this programme when it was growing up, partly because Look North West was on at the same time and that was loads better. Still, this documentary may have some fun stuff in it, including clips of the dream team of Vincent Kane (who you know about) and Noreen Bray who went on to work at the Equal Opportuinities Commission and once phoned up Creamguide when it was a proper journalist and asked if we’d like to write something about her work, but Creamguide thought it sounded boring, so didn’t. Of course, the programme was also responsible for Andy Crane’s patented “Goodbye to Wales!”, because it used to be on at 5.35, when all the other regional news shows were on at 6.35, and if CBBC finished at 5.30, BBC Wales would stick on a pop video, under the fantastic title of In The Meanwhile. In the meanwhile, there’d be something crap and Welsh on after the Six O’Clock News (“On Thursday at 6.35, Patrick Hannan asks Clay Jones and Chris Stuart how much they know about their rights!” and so on) and so Masterteam would find itself on BBC2 Wales at 8.30am. If they’d really messed up the scheduling, they’d sometimes show three episodes in a row. Oh, and David Parry-Jones used to do the sport, and one Boxing Day fronted a spin-off show with the best name of any television programme ever made – Crackers, Nuts And Rugby Union.
BBC2
21.00 Reputations
In 1973, Uri Geller appeared on The Dimbleby Talk-In, which is the second best name for a television programme ever, and amazed the nation. This documentary looks at what he actually does, but perhaps won’t explain how a “massive Reading fan” ended up running Exeter and “helping” Newcastle beat Arsenal last season. Biggest glory-hunter since Kid Jensen.
01.20 What Have The Nineties Ever Done For Us?
Also, Wales Today always had hugely pompous title sequences, normally involving dragons – but the Six O’Clock News doesn’t start with a Union Jack, does it? And they always had The National Orchestra Of Wales doing the theme tune – everywhere else was perfectly happy with Guy Michelmore. Oh, and the Wales Today special is also on 2W at 21.15, so there’s no excuse.
CHANNEL 5
14.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
Tony Booth’s the guest. And, er, that’s it.
Friday 20th September
BBC1
23.10 The Real Victor Meldrews
Yes! This is the show we’ve been waiting for for ages, as not only does it include Richard Wilson talking about One Foot, it also includes archive clips and involvement from one S. Maconie. It’s still on his CV, too.
23.40 The BBC New Comedy Awards 2002
Normally all the acts on this are rubbish as, like 95% of today’s stand-up comedians, they do completely interchangable routines, and to be frank we’ve never much liked this competition after Peter Kay only came second in 1997 (though Paul Foot, who beat him, did at least go on to good work as Mr Picnic on The RDA, and the lovely Jenny Ross won the year before). But Tarby’s presenting it this year, and Creamguide would appreciate it if anyone posted on Ask The Family the rules of Winner Takes All because we’re having trouble understanding them. So if each possible answer had odds, surely the right answer would always be 2-1, because, er, it was the right answer and thus the “favourite”? And the 10-1 answer would always be wrong? Anyone?
00.40 Phantasm 2
Decade-late sequel to the de facto king of the ball bearing horror genre. That Raimi’s got a lot to answer for.
ITV
22.25 TV’s Naughtiest Blunders 3
No sign of number five, which was mysteriously postponed the other week, but here’s an old episode re-edited to half an hour. They’d better keep in the Hardwicke House clip.
CHANNEL 4
06.00 The Magic Roundabout
Actually there’ll be a load of regional news anniversaries coming up, won’t there, cos they all started in the early 60s. Midlands Today, for one, started in 1964, and took its name because the regional news programmes were moved from 6.10 to 6.05, and the previous name of Six-Ten therefore became meaningless.
CHANNEL 5
14.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
Bloody hell – Max Bygraves is eighty. And he’s on the sofa today. “Jimmy MacFee!”
15.40 Banacek: Detour To Nowhere
Oh, and C5… sorry, Five, now appear to have moved Pop out of its dreadful Friday afternoon spot – into an even more dreadful Saturday afternoon spot. Tch.
02.40 Love and Money
Dull-sounding tale of big business moving in on a corrupt South American regime, with Klaus Kinski on hand to provide some remnants of watchability.
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DIGI-CREAMGUIDE
* BBC4 asks what went wrong with Sheffield’s ill-fated National Centre For Pop Music in Pop Goes The Museum (Monday, 21.00, Tuesday, 01.40), a documentary that may include sundry members of the Human League. There’s also a repeat showing for Haunted House (Tuesday, 20.30, 01.10), the look at all the businesses that have died on their arses since being based there, including BSB. We’ve never seen it, so don’t know if there are clips of Cool Cube or The Mike Smith Show, alas.
* Never mind BBC2’s Comedy Night when G+ can segue Bullseye (Sunday, 22.30) with Richard Stilgoe on The Good Old Days (Sunday, 23.00). And there’s another couple of screenings for An Audience with Bob Monkhouse on Saturday at 21.00 and 03.00. UK Horizons are up to 1977 if you care (Friday, 21.00). Oh, and Paramount, on Sunday and Friday at 00.15 – the first after the third showing of Anyone For Pennis? in as many weeks.
* And on Eurosport on Wednesday at 21.00, the Scottish Games – presumably their first bit of proper coverage since Nationwide finished.
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IN TOTAL AGREEMENT THERE, GEOFF!
No, really, we would like somebody to explain the rules of Winner Takes All to us, we have no idea how the whole thing worked. Let us know via Ask The Family, the TV Cream message board, via the Long Shots button on http://tv.cream.org and we’ll reward you with a case of pound notes. Also subscribe to the TV Cream Update, unless it looks in danger of overtaking Creamguide’s subcriber numbers.
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Inviting you to Meet For Lunch – Chris Hughes, Ian Jones, Jill Phythian, Simon Tyers
