DALLAS FOR primary schools, in that it ran and ran and ran, everybody ended up bored with it, nobody could remember why it had started in the first place, and the whole thing was never less than stupendously preposterous. Original premise involved ghosts back from the spirit world to make amends for failures in their previous lives, and boasted the likes of Victorian dandy Hubert Davenport (MICHAEL DARBYSHIRE) and modern day doesn’t-want-parents-to-find-out-he’s-a-ghost-dilemma Fred Mumford (ANTHONY JACKSON). Presence, however, of bearded tri-corner-hatted gurning minstrel Timothy Claypole (MICHAEL STANIFORTH) hinted at the decline soon to come. Sure enough, as year followed year, all decent storytelling vanished in the onset of joyless japery, courtesy of dopey neighbours Rose and Arthur Perkins, the most unconvincing pantomime horse in the world, MOLLY WEIR (as a Scottish witch), CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS (as himself as camp furniture dealer Adam Painting) and Audrey from Coronation Street (as a Dutch hay-fever sufferer). Eventually “sneezed” off for good when Michael Grade said ’tis done.