TV Cream

How We Used To List

How We Used To List: 4th-10th MAY 2002

What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…

(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)

4th – 10th May 2002
Modern – Phil Norman
Mainstream – Graham Kibble-White

Saturday 4th May


12.10 Cup Final Match Of The Day
No, BBC, it’s Cup Final Grandstand, and nothing but. Back in its rightful place, with all the usual Players On The Pitch-style hilarity. But please be warned that it features Ricky Gervais, looking at the Cup Final from the perspective of a boorish self-satisfied wanker. Or alternatively, he could be doing it in character. Boom boom.

17.25 Bloomers Best Bits
Surely The Pink Panther goes here?

22.00 Before They Were Famous VI
The show the words “diminshing returns” were made for, we feel, though enough here to make it worth your while, we think. Including Becks on It’s Wicked!

23.50 The Groundstar Conspiracy
George Peppard searches for the identity of a disfigred and memory-free espionage suspect, in a plot very similar to Creamguide favourite Who?, which came out just a few months afterwards, date fans. Except this one doesn’t have a metal replacement face with little ear grilles, but does have a top Radiophonic-style burbling synth soundtrack.


10.00 Saturday Kitchen
Yes, it is still running, and thankfully the Radio Times has provided us with a full timetable (good to see Nick Brett having an impact already) so we can confirm that The Galloping Gourmet is on at 11.30. We like the way they show half the credits, just for the hell of it.

17.30 The Malta Story
It’s the now-traditional Saturday war film! Well, we still prefer them to w*st*rns. Alec Guinness spies on the Hun, Peter ‘a dooooooooomsday shrooooooooooud’ Bull and Sam ‘Orlando’ Kydd don’t.

00.00 Bad Timing
Did Art ‘miscasting’ Garfunkel try and bump off Theresa ‘Nanette Newman-style casting’ Russell? Harvey ‘reliable casting’ Keitel aims to find out via that old Roeg flashback technique. Denholm ‘Peter Niss’ Elliott and William ‘Porkins’ Hootkins feature.


17.30 Lily Savage’s Blankety Blank
A new series, but of course this is all wrong because everyone sits in the wrong seats. So Steve Penk’s on tonight and you can guarantee they’ll put him in front-middle, when surely as The New David Hamilton he should be back-left, and Robbie Savage (!) will be back-left when he should be front-right.

18.10 The Way They Were Rock And Pop Special 2
The first instalment of this was truly dire, because it turned out to be The Cliff Richard Chat Show with a few clips flung in, one of them featuring one of Blue. That’s probably what we’ll get tonight too, given Doctor “Neil” Fox is in charge, and Ronan Keating guests and will perform. And it looks like it’s going to feature the same Will and Gareth clips as Screen Tests Of The Stars three weeks ago.

00.45 National Lampoon’s Movie Madness
Let’s put our sneaking affection for Chevy Chase aside for a moment and admit it – National Lampoon is rubbish, isn’t it? Here’s a trio of tepid overlong spoof sketches of Dallas and other hackneyed targets. God knows what the magazine was like. Richard ‘Madigan’ Widmark, Candy ‘Mary Lou’ Clark, Robert ‘Greatest American Hero’ Culp, Christopher ‘Jim’ Lloyd, Rhea ‘Carla’ Perlman, Dick ‘Bucket of Blood’ Miller, Julie ‘Marge’ Kavner, Robby ‘that monkey film from last week, whatever it was called’ Benson and Harry ‘Deep Throat’ Reems all call in, on their way either to or from better things (except maybe those last two).


23.05 Top Ten TV Kings Of Soap
Well, we’re going to look like right hypocrites slagging this off now, aren’t we? You note Creamguide’s fantastic midas touch which has seen this programme now axed, as has the whole genre of nostalgia television “unless they are really special”. We’re pissed off because nostalgia isn’t a fad by any means, it’ll be around forever, and presumably we’re never going to get Top Ten Of 1986, alas. Anyway, you can tell by the scheduling that this is hardly C4’s favourite son anymore, and perhaps rightly so, because we’re not interested in any of the fictional characters on tonight, two of whom – including Grant Mitchell, boringly enough – have been on this programme before. How can we make it sound like we didn’t just like it when we were on it?

00.40 The Missionary
Having said all that about National Lampoon, we never claim to be arbiters of comedic taste. The evidence against would be overwhelming. We suppressed a little chuckle when we first heard the phrase “Mister foot-long hot dog inventor”. We thought that Flash animation thing on Ri:se wasn’t all that bad (well, only because it had a Ludwig reference in it). We even (whisper it) think Chris Morris has done the odd thing of merit since the original series of Brasseye. Best then to take our recommendation of this vintage Handmade film (from the man who brought you Newton’s cradle!) with a pinch of salt, though it really is good and we say so. Michael Palin saves the capital’s whores and fends off Maggie Smith, with Trevor ‘Rawlinson’ Howard, Denholm ‘The Man Who Loved Redheads’ Elliott, Michael ‘You Know What Sailors Are’ Hordern, Graham ‘Bill Dainty, Esq.’ Crowden, David ‘Nobody Here But Us Chickens’ Suchet, David ‘Ford’ Dixon, Neil ‘Fundamental Frolics’ Innes, Timothy ‘Barry’ Spall and Peter ‘Grouty’ Vaughan.

02.15 Last Holiday
Alec Guinness is faced with imminent death and goes on a, well, last holiday, with Sid James, Brian ‘The Boy Who Turned Yellow’ Worth, Esma ‘Carry On Cabby’ Cannon, Bernard ‘M’ Lee, Wilfrid Hyde-White and David McCallum’s fiddling dad.


17.00 Snowball Express
Dean ‘Love Bug’ Jones runs a ski-resort, and needless to say it’s chaos! Harry ‘later, not-as-good colonel off of M*A*S*H’ Morgan’s there, too, now available on the Paramount Channel complete with glorious canned laughter. Paramount, of course, marked the demise of the monkey empire during last Tuesday’s Seinfeld, with a big blue banner thanking ITV Digital viewers for watching, then suggesting they get in touch with Sky or their cable subscriber if they want to see any more Seinfeld, which is rubbing it in a bit, quite frankly.

01.20 The Fall of the House of Usher
Vincent Price (“the screen’s foremost delineator of the Draculean!”) slowly dies in Corman’s top quality Poe adaptation. So, Channel 5 may have acquired the rights to the whole Corman canon, which is a good start. We want X – The Man With X-ray Eyes next, please, Channel 5.

05.10 Sons and Daughters
Wish this channel’d be replaced by a blue screen.

Sunday 5th May


17.30 Points Of View
A viewer complains that last week’s Aspel-fronted edition didn’t start with him walking down the road and being given letters by kids, and then having a pile fall on his head (and as Frank Skinner noted, then picking some up and throwing them on himself again to make it look like there were more than there actually were). Though it did end with him looking at his watch and going “I’ll be back in about an hour” which was good. You don’t get that with Tel, worse luck.

21.00 Auf Wiedershen Pet
Early reports suggest this was quite good last week, but still nobody can spell it’s name properly.

22.15 It Takes Two: The Story Of The Pop Duo
Well, at least the Beeb haven’t foolishly decided that nostalgia’s crap, because this programme could be a lot of fun. It says it includes comments by Wham, which clearly is going to be Ridgeley alone, and Sam and Dave, which’ll clearly be Sam alone. Best of all, though, there’s a piece on the Pet Shop Boys. “I can remember whether like this – of course when you were young it was hot every day anyway – but it’s good that people do at least worry about it, as long as it turn into some ghastly fashion. That’s the problem with pop stars who endlessly rant on.”


11.40 Star Trek
In Northern England you don’t get this at all, nor if you’re in Wales because they’re showing the Welsh Cup Final, live and direct from that footballing hotbed, er, Aberystwyth.


14.50 Charade
George Kennedy and James Coburn chase a multi-aliased Cary Grant chasing Audrey Hepburn chasing her husband’s money. Ideal Hitchcock pastiche for a Sunday afternoon, though regions are a-varyin’ at this hour, so if you’re unlucky you’ll get to see Big instead.

00.40 The Woman for Joe
Midget-based fairground tearjerker with David Kossoff, Miriam ‘Rag Trade’ Karlin, Joan ‘Marple’ Hickson and Arthur Lowe.

03.45 ITV Sport Classics
We do like the way ITV Sport is the reason Monkeyworld has closed down, yet that’s one of the few channels still running.


06.10 The Magic Roundabout


17.35 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II – The Secret of the Ooze
Let’s cut to the soundtrack, shall we? Awesome (You Are My Hero) by Ya Kid K, Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice, Find the Key to You Life by a between-careers Cathy Dennis, and Creatures of Habit by, erm, Spunkadelic. Altogether – “In this world of irony/It’s nice to know that we are one big family…”

Monday 6th May


09.00 ‘Allo ‘Allo!
Hooray, the welcome return of the Bank Holiday Bonanza on BBC1, which as on Easter Monday incorporates both this and…

09.25 A Perry Mason Mystery
Although please note that it’s only the Perry Mason “brand” cos there’s some other bloke in the lead role, Raymond Burr by this point being, er, deceased.

10.50 Columbo
This might be a nineties one as well. Two murder-based shows in a row, when the kids are off school? That’s not right.

15.00 Herbie Rides Again
Completing the revival of the Herbie sequels. Stefanie Powers drives the thing up the Golden Gate Bridge in this one, in case you’re after a Screen Test clip to put to the title.

18.30 The World’s Strongest Woman
See, who said these things were archaic? Invers in charge again, though Christ knows why he still bothers, and the whole thing seems slightly nasty, rather undoing the good work they did by showing the Women’s Cup Final live this afternoon.


11.50 Doctor Zhivago
Last shown December 30th. Too right we’re being a little brusque! This sort of thing still annoys us. There’s an old print of Alf’s Button Afloat degrading in a cupboard somewhere, you know.

17.55 Battle of Midway
It’s WWII battle afternoon! Here we’re up against the Japs, of course. Big names like Henry Fonda, Charlton Heston and James Coburn (again) take part, but further down the pecking order there’s Robert Wagner, Erik Estrada and Tom Selleck on hand.

22.30 Dad’s Army
The traditional post-World Snooker Final sitcom repeat. Normally the final either runs hours late and so everything gets dropped, or it finishes much earlier than expected and they have to bung even more sitcom repeats on to fill the gap. Given that Tinsel Town is following, let’s hope for the former.


13.10 In Search of the Castaways
Hayley Mills cutely looks for her missing dad in this typical Disney adventure adaptation with the two Wilfrids, Hyde-White and Brambell, Ronald Fraser, Roger ‘Master’ Delgado and Joss Ackland.

15.00 Battle of the Bulge
Yet another WWII battle. Henry Fonda’s in this one, as well! Can’t the schedulers compare notes or something, on occasion? This sort of thing can’t be deliberate.

18.00 The Secrets Of Stars In Their Eyes
Oh, come on, it’s a good series. And this show promises to “catch up with past contestants” so we’re hoping for clips of the Crowther era, specifically in the first series when the contestants were interviewed in front of a set to illustrate their occupation (ie, bricklayer in front of brick wall), as if to say “Look how ordinary these people are”. And, indeed, the Russ Abbott-fronted Elvis Special.

20.00 TV Nightmares
It says it’s new, but it’s not, it’s a repeat of one of the rotten half-hour episodes (as opposed to the rotten hour-long episodes) from the 2000 Olympics. Indeed the only good bit is the clip of Bradley Walsh doing a massive export-only game show, if only because we haven’t got any sort of clue as to what it is.


09.00 Bewitched
So, what of Ri:se, then? Fairly rotten, we thought, if only because they’ve confused ‘informal’ with ‘just constantly chatting for hours on end to no effect’. Though we note by Thursday they’d already started including a paper review, and it’s clearly better than The Big Breakfast, because it’s not The Big Breakfast.

09.30 I Dream Of Jeannie
We can understand this being on today, but why is it on the rest of the week? Don’t kids go back to school tomorrow?

11.40 Space Camp
Shuttle-based rubbish with Kate Capshaw. Never mind, there’s plenty of Dire Straits on the soundtrack.

21.00 The Fifty Greatest Magic Tricks
An Andrew O’Connor production! This is one of those “really special” nostalgia shows we’re allowed, then, with Adam and Joe counting down clips of the best feats of prestigitation committed to film. It includes archive Daniels, and we sincerely hope that it includes The Moment His Trick With The Milk Jug Goes Ever So Slightly Wrong.

05.50 Bagpuss


11.00 TJ Hooker
We seem to be losing our audience here, because now Simon Reuben (from Chesham) has weighed into our “Who would win in a fight between William Shatner and Brian Cant?” discussion. He says, “I would just like to add my support to Peter Laws – I to feel TJ Hooker could definitely have Brian Cant in a fight. As Kenny Baker would surely say, strength is not measured in stature. And don’t be fooled into thinking it’s fat drooping over TJ’s belt – that’s pure, solid muscle.” That’s as maybe, but we’d like to ask a) are we talking about William Shatner or TJ Hooker here, and b) how did this argument start in the first place?

17.25 Kylie Jukebox
Hooray! Each day this week C5 give us a choice of five Koilee videos to choose from, and our favourites will be shown on a special show next week. After managing to rig the Newsround Theme Tune vote, we’re feeling lucky, so today we’d ask you to go to and make sure that Hand On Your Heart’s the victor today. If only because it got to number one despite not featuring anything in the slightest bit resembling a tune.

A TV doll and an exciting poll!

#13 KIRSTY YOUNG as seen on Channel 5 News, weekdays 17.30 and 19.30, Channel 5

Since the start of polling in our exciting BATTLE OF BRITTON contest the TVCHW office has been transformed into an around the clock newsgathering organisation. But more on that below. (And we’ll be dropping into our *genuine* coffee shop for some irreverent chat too!) First up we need to acquaint ourselves with this week’s TV Cream Hero.

Of course “newsreader Kirsty Young” is an anagram of “A drowsy sneering turkey” but we’ve never subscribed to the notion of the “humorously apt anagram” (itself an anagram of “amorphous gay nut alarm”). For years Kirsty Young was bubbling under on STV, until she suddenly became the face of “Scottish”. Whether it was in partnership with Bernard Ponsonby striding across the Scottish current affairs scene and (inevitably) drunken late-night Glasgow University students in interminable studio debates that *affect nothing*, or in her own titular “she’s a tough cookie” talk show Kirsty looked set to remain one of the rank and file of Scottish TV never to graduate onto proper telly.

Now, the gag here could be that we then say “and because she’s on Channel 5 she never did graduate”. But that’d be rubbish. The launch of C5 put Kirsty on the map (and we’d always thought that weatherman Peter Sloss would be SCOTLAND TODAY’s breakout personality) establishing her as a player every bit as good and credible as Sheena McDonald and definitely in a different league to Jenni Falconer. True, THE PEOPLE VERSUS was rubbish and to be honest we don’t think she’s every really been that good whether it’s been on ITV or the 5, but we’re still intent on celebrating her this week. So welcome, Kirsty, to your section in the TVCHW portakabin. It’s the one with the big banner above the door reading “They’re no better than they ought to be: personalities whose regional roots we’ll never forget”. We hope you’ll get along well with Sian Lloyd, Dougie Donnelly, Richard Whiteley and Hazel Irvine.



But now, to the hustings!

“Previously, on Creamguide”: We ill-advisedly referred to a picture of Fern Britton by “iantheartist” as “poor quality”, resulting in Ian himself sending in a searing lambaste that, in part, challenged us to come up with “a better rendering” ourselves. So that’s what we’ve done. TVC has lovingly pieced together a suite of Fern depictions and arranged them alongside Ian’s very own. Enjoy them now at and while you’re there, vote for your favourite! Ian’s effort is Number 4 in our array, titled “Art portraits under tricky conditions (e.g. from freeze-framed video footage)”. The poll will close shortly before next week’s Creamguide.

Tuesday 7th May


19.05 TOTP2
Back in the old slot, although actually we thought 18.20 was a bit more convenient. Still, The Jam and The Associates are promised, plus “rare footage” of Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Which is presumably something other than Jocky Wilson.


17.05 Never Had It So Good
This is the new Matthew Kelly-fronted daily nostalgia quiz, which seems to us to be ludicrously scheduled, because no CITV viewer will be in the slightest bit interested. And we’re not that bothered either, because although Fred Dineage is a captain, so is Rowland Rivron, who we’ve never seen the point of at all, and last year managed to be comfortably the worst thing about the already shite A Question Of TV. And they’ll probably talk about the wrong sort of nostalgia, which is of course anything that’s not from the eighties. Still, Friday’s show might be worth a look because one S Maconie is a panellist – though at the same time he’s on the radio! Actually since it’s a Yorkshite TV production, he’s probably written the whole thing.

22.20 Classic World Cup
Tonight’s ITV schedule must be one of the weakest they’ve had for years – two sitcoms, one of which is a pilot and the other is Barbara, a nondescript documentary about murderers, and then this, which is surely a Sunday afternoon filler. In any case, Gabby Logan looks at England vs Argentina in 1986, which strikes us as most odd because it’s commentated on by Martin Tyler. Maybe it’s been overdubbed by Peter Brackley, though. Better football nostgia comes with…

03.10 The Big Match Replayed
Yes! Yes! Yes! The best thing ITV ever showed last year returns to it’s prestigious once-a-fortnight small hours slot, which is really throwing it away because it’s fantastic. It’s simply an episode of The Big Match from the late 70s, slightly edited, but with Brian Moore’s links intact and stuff like Big Match Crazy Corner (normally some clip of a match in Ireland with the goalposts collapsing, or Brian reading something out of the paper) and Big Match Postbag (normally letters from Australian viewers asking to see a clip of fomer Hull City star Ken Wagstaffe in action). And Brian has to carefully denote which region has supplied the pictures of the match too. And the set seems to change every week. Just tape it, it’s the best thing on this week.


09.00 Bewitched
09.30 I Dream Of Jeannie

22.00 Sex On TV
And yet another C4 nostalgia show! Well, sort of, because it’s actually supposed to be a proper academic history of sex on television, but it’s mostly full of old clips. Incidentally, does anyone actually know what Mary Whitehouse was referring to in her “Last Thursday I turned on the television and watched a programme starting at 6.35, and it was the dirtiest programme I had ever seen” speech? It’s Top of the Pops, isn’t it?

02.05 Royal Flash
Malcolm McDowell stars in this Tom Brown’s Schooldays yarn, and there’s the odd Cream celeb in there somewhere, too – not only the Women in Love fireside reunion of Alan Bates and Oliver Reed, but also Tom ‘Out’ Bell, Joss Ackland, Christopher ‘Ben Carrington’ Cazenove, Henry Cooper (no, really), Arthur ‘Mr Grainger, you know, the long-serving, bald Mr. Tebbs predecessor off of Are You Being Served?’ Brough, Lionel Jeffries, Alastair Sim, Michael Hordern, Britt Ekland, Bob Hoskins, David Jason, Rula Lenska, Bob Peck and – phew! – Roy Kinnear.


11.00 TJ Hooker

17.25 Kylie Jukebox
Not much of a chance of anything other than I Should Be So Lucky winning today, but actually we can’t remember what the video for Got To Be Certain was like, so we’d like you to vote for that so we can find out.

Wednesday 8th May


17.00 Blue Peter
Boo, one episode this week again, which is just *not on*, and it says here they’re celebrating the success of the Bikeathon so it’ll probably all be on tape again. Sort this out, CBBC!

20.15 This Is Your Life
Ooh, smart scheduling, guys.


18.00 The Simpsons
Yikes! It’s The City of New York vs Homer Simpson, for the first time! Exactly what they’ll do with the World Trade Centre sequence, though, we just don’t know.

19.05 TOTP2
Who’d have thought Quantum “ooommmmmwakkachakkawakka” Jump would be mentioned in Creamguide two weeks running? They’re here tonight, along with The Cult, The Chimes and, er, The Jam again. Oh, and it’s not on in the North East, they get The Queen’s Visit To Tyneside instead. Don’t laugh, we’ll all get it before summer’s out.


06.00 The Magic Roundabout
Plus, if you take the Radio Times seriously, nothing at all at 5.55.

09.00 Bewitched
09.30 I Dream Of Jeannie


11.00 TJ Hooker

14.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
The Proclaimers guest, which reminds us of the time they appeared on Going Live, serenading a post-helicopter crash Sarah Greene in her hospital bed, something they later said was the worst thing they ever did on telly.

15.35 Anatomy of a Crime
Film spin-off of TV’s The Outsider with Darren ‘Kolchak’ McGavin.

17.25 Kylie Jukebox
Too close to call today, we think – we’d argue for What Do I Have To Do, because it reminds us of the Gulf War, but there’s also Shocked and Give Me Just A Little More Time. Then there’s old favourite Especially For You, and even In Your Eyes is quite good, if only because it constantly features the phrase “Is the world still spinning around?” which makes it sound like an update to one of her previous records.

Thursday 9th May


01.50 What Have The Sixties Ever Done For Us?
What seems to be the return of a regular outing for the Open University’s Rock ‘n’ Science Years.


22.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned
We didn’t much enjoy last week’s discussion on The Vagina Monologues, because we knew our parents were watching too. So, er, less of that, please.


09.00 Bewitched
09.30 I Dream Of Jeannie

21.00 Football Stories
This series has actually been lots better than the last one, because for a change they’ve interviewed people who know stuff about the subject (rather than Piers Morgan) and actually got footage of what they’re talking about. However tonight’s episode is about the relationship between England and Argentina, which, if we’re really unlucky, will include that “England fan” from last year’s dreadful Stuart Pearce episode spouting shit about “bulldog spirit”. Mind you, Ricky Villa’s in it.


11.00 TJ Hooker

17.25 Kylie Jukebox
Another fairly tough choice, where our first instinct would be to go for Better The Devil You Know, but there’s also the uber-cliched Parisian frolics of Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi and Never Too Late with *that* cowboy hat and the scene where she lifts *one* eyebrow that had someone writing into Smash Hits saying it was impossible.

Friday 10th May


21.30 Blackadder II
Well, you all know what happens in this. Incidentally Creamguide has to admit that it, er, watched Fr*d*y N*ght W*th J*n*th*n R*ss, but we weren’t paying attention to it (save to note that “F**r P**fs And A P**n*” still gets a depressingly big laugh, and they’re still putting the big guests on first, which is all wrong) until Peter Kay came on, who was brilliant, because he was the first to notice the “band” does bugger all and Andy Davies is a waste of space. And no sex questions neither! But those were exceptional circumstances and we won’t be watching it again ever, honest.


01.25 The Hellfire Club
Keith ‘Beaky’ Michell faces the notorious club. Peter Cushing’s reliably present, but then so’s Bill Owen.


06.00 The Magic Roundabout

09.00 Bewitched
09.30 I Dream Of Jeannie


11.00 TJ Hooker

17.25 Kylie Jukebox
Last chance to make your vote count, and we’ve got the camcorder antics of Wouldn’t Change A Thing, the unconvincing CSO of Tears On My Pillow and the sheer brilliance of Step Back In Time. Meanwhile, if you’re living in the University of Central England’s Shenstone House halls of residence, can you knock at number five and ask them if they’ve still got the tape of Kylie’s first album that I accidentally left there in 1998?

02.40 The Priest’s Wife
Italian sexcom with Sophia Loren. Why they’re moving on to other countries’ softcore crocks when we’re certain they haven’t shown our very own Eskimo Nell yet we don’t know.

05.10 Sons and Daughters
As you can tell, we’ve normally lost interest by this point.

Come on, NTL and Telewest haven’t gone bust yet!

Thursday, Friday, 19.00
Ray Gosling Reports – Keeping the repeat fees flooding in, which’d be increased even more if ITV showed In Bed With Medinner again. “Next week we’ll be in Duckenfield, the week after that in Congleton. After that… we’re not sure”.

Friday, 22.50
Trouble At The Top – Yes! The best thing BBC4 are ever going to show. It’s the Bucks Fizz documentary, which is truly brilliant, if only for David Van Day saying “We were in the boob age” with a straight face.

Friday, 22.00, 01.25
Top Ten Electropop – The last truly great episode, because all the bands are brilliant and they all went on loads of Creamy programmes (best illustrated here by a clip of Erasure on Hold Tight, singing while being driven about in a buggy). Besides, TV Go Home’s on the rest of the week, so this’ll look even better.

Saturday, 18.30, 00.00
The Kenny Everett Video Show – Quantum Jump’ll be coining it in this week, then, as they also supply the theme tune for this. Or at least, they did in the one complete episode we’ve actually seen. So this repeat run is obviously essential viewing.

Saturday, Sunday, 23.30, Monday, 23.00, Tuesday-Friday, 19.30, 23.00
Bullseye – The sound you can hear is that of ITV Digital subscribers sobbing, given that the moment it goes under G+ schedule the one thing that would have saved it. Look at that scheduling, it’s Christmas come early!

Sunday, 23.45, Friday, 00.10
A Bit Of Fry and Laurie – “So I just told them to stuff it. But they said it had been dead too long.”

Monday-Thursday, 23.00
The Kenny Everett Television Show – This is why DTT can never die!

Saturday, 21.00, Sunday, 22.35
Living With Louis – It’s Theroux weekend on Horizons, devoted to, well, the same programmes you can see every bloody weekend on here, BBC Choice and BBC2. This is brand new, though, a documentary that chats to his previous subjects – including Sir Jim’ll himself. Bear in mind he’s given us a lot of machines.

Saturday, 11.00
The 100 Greatest Videos – First, and probably only, mention for this channel in Creamguide, as this ten-hour show counts down, er, what it says up there, and uniquely doesn’t include Bohemian Rhapsody in the top five. Where Hyperactive by Thomas Dolby is, though, is anyone’s guess. And Chris Cowey’s a pundit, worse luck.

All times correct at time of writing, but that doesn’t mean much, and refer to England except where stated. Obviously.
You know the drill – the TV Cream Update is still brilliant, and you can subscribe to it underneath where you subscribed to this thing, on Also click on Long Shots to find Ask The Family, the TV Cream message board, for a feat of wit and whimsy. Oh, and if you enjoyed last year’s 31 Days In May hilarity, check your Yahoo Groups subscription (obvious wink, nudge in elbow). Hem hem.
A thing I forgot and I think we all did – Chris Hughes, Ian “will reminisce at your wedding or children’s party for a small fee” Jones, Simon Tyers



  1. THX 1139

    May 6, 2022 at 11:54 pm

    Obviously Brian Cant would beat TJ Hooker in a fight, because he’d just boot Teej in the bollocks with his massive plastic foot.

    What I most remember about Adam and Joe’s magic tricks clip show was them trying to recreate the guy who turned phone book pages with his mind, but was actually by blowing them open, and finding it bloody impossible.

    TV Go Home was a truly unpleasant show, and I’m not surprised all concerned forgot about it soon after.

    • Droogie

      May 7, 2022 at 2:11 pm

      From what I remember of the guy that turned pages by secretly blowing on them was that he’d had his 2 front teeth filed down to create a gap that made the blowing easier to control.

      • THX 1139

        May 7, 2022 at 4:40 pm

        That’s dedication! I remember him having weird teeth, yes.

  2. George White

    May 7, 2022 at 9:29 am

    God I miss the TV schedules still being full of weird movies and not property shows.
    Still camapigning to write letters to reinsert this kind of thing.
    Maybe because I was way too young at this time to be staying upor even if they were in daytime, rarely bothered.

  3. Richardpd

    May 7, 2022 at 3:51 pm

    There’s a few oldies channels that show some more offbeat films.

    Is has been pointed out that BBC2 & 4 are started to show some old films that only Talking Pictures would have shown a few years ago.

  4. George White

    May 8, 2022 at 5:20 pm

    Wel, yes, but they show the same ones every six months for the past five years. the same five Ealings, the same three St Trinians…
    THough BBC4 have their RKO season

  5. Sidney Balmoral James

    May 9, 2022 at 7:52 am

    Just noticed the lack of love for Roland Rivron on this listing. Shome mistake shurely? Always had me in stitches as half of Raw Sex, and did a superb pratfall once appearing on a celebrity Weakest Link of second XI comics (as he walked off, the set being extremely dark, he called for the lights, and then fell superbly off to the side. Well I thought it was good). Wasn’t he also a recurring character called Dr. Scrote on a now ancient Jonathan Ross programme?

    • Droogie

      May 9, 2022 at 12:14 pm

      I have nothing but adoration for Rowland Rivron after attending a screening of the Comic Strip’s Mr Jolly Lives Next Door at The Screen On The Green a few years back. Rowland hosted the evening and made sure every audience member had a very large gin and tonic to drink while watching the film. He was also around to chat with in the bar afterwards and was splendid company.

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