TV Cream

How We Used To List

How We Used To List: 24-30th AUGUST 2002

What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…

(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)

24th – 30th August 2002
Chris Diamond, Phil Norman, Graham Kibble-White: “contributing”

Saturday 24th August


17.40 Edinburgh Military Tattoo
18.40 Britain’s Strongest Man – The Final
Heh, you wouldn’t have guessed all of Britain’s TV executives and journalists were in Edinburgh, would you? Two hours of the sort of entertainment you just don’t get anymore, though last year’s coverage of the Tattoo managed to get a larger audience than the 7pm Premiership. And we caught a bit of Strongest Man the other day, and at the end, Invers said that because he was in Wales, he wanted to sing. So he sang Delilah on the beach at Caernarfon. Hmm.


13.10 Columbo
14.40 Quincy
15.30 Perry Mason
Grr. How long is this season lasting?

17.05 The Desert Fox
The Fox of which this title speaks is of course General Rommel, this being the story of the his North African campaign, his return to Germany and his involvement in the plot to blow up that awful Mr Hitler. James Mason stars as the Fox with Cedric ‘stricken from every pylon’ Hardwicke as the Mayor of Stuttgarte, Luther Adler as yer actual Hitler and also starring Jessica ‘tomatoes’ Tandy. Now, here’s a thing; in Withnail & I – and we realise this is a slight digression – in the pub in Penrith the old boy behind the bar says he was in “tanks; Afrika Corps.” Now, since they were the Germans, was that just a mistake or a subtle satirical nuance? Answers on a postcard to anybody but us.

21.00 The Peter Sellers Story – As He Filmed It
Kicking off another Sellers season that doesn’t include A Shot In The Dark, this is not technically a new programme; rather, the 1995 series about him re-edited so it consists entirely of film he shot himself – including those mental sketches with Princess Margaret – and interviews with friends and family


21.50 Streakers – They’re At It Again
And so are ITV, flinging out another programme about it, although this one promises to “analyse new trends in the practice”, which must be the most pompous description for a clip show ever. Mark Roberts appears, mind, so they might show his fantastic appearance on Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. “When someone takes their clothes off, why is it always an ugly fat bloke?”


02.00 Caligula
This is – just about – a Channel Four, as opposed to Channel Five, bit of thinly-justified dirt, harking back to the gloryless Red Triangle days. Malcolm McDowell plays the horse-appointing baby-eater in this miraculously shoddy Penthouse production scripted by a highly embarrassed Gore Vidal and directed by pretentious schlockmeister and top polishing product Tinto Brass. Basically, it’s shit. Also implicated are Helen Mirren, Peter O’Toole, John Gielgud (whose agent promised him a role where “there are no dirty bits and you get to die in the bath”), and – in voice only, thus with dignity intact – Patrick “Magee makes deals. Barratt make moves” Allen. Not that it matters, but the version on show here is a fairly intact full-length original (US) cinema release, although the notorious “six minutes of sex” added by Penthouse have been tastefully panned and scanned in places. Lovely.

05.55 Clangers
And a double bill, you lucky bleeders.


08.00 James The Cat
Still propping up the whole of the week’s schedules.

02.55 Girl on Approval
James ‘Raffles’ Maxwell and Rachel ‘O Lucky Man!’ Roberts star in this early ’60s fostering filler drama, as once again we ask – where’s all the horror gone?

05.10 Sons and Daughters
Still not enamoured with the idea of Dawn Airey taking over from David Liddiment, although it might improve the overnight schedules. On Friday at the same time too.

Sunday 25th August


22.45 There’s Only One Manchester United
This is basically I Love…, but clearly they weren’t going to give it that name or the world’s newsgroups would explode. Could be fun, this, regardless of whether you like them or not, because old football is always interesting and, with Wilf McGuinness and Alex Stepney interviewed, it looks like we get stuff about them messing up as well as the parade of silverware. Oh, and it’s on five minutes later than last year’s equivalent Liverpool documentary, conspiracy theorists.

01.15 Shalako
It’s a Western! With Eric Sykes in! It’s not often you get to type that sentence, worse luck, but here he is starring alongside Sean Connery, himself continuing his daft-name motif from last week as a character called Moses Zebulon Shalako Carlin, a tracker out to help a party of paleface types in danger from a Native American uprising. This was Sean’s first film after his last Bond ‘proper’, You Only Live Twice, and it was a couple of years until he got back on track with The Anderson Tapes. Then, of course, he made Zardoz. There’s no helping some people. Brigitte ‘cats’ Bardot and Jack Hawkins hide in the desert with them.


18.30 Witness
Norris on the spot! On the spot! To reminisce about Roger Bannister running the four minute mile.

18.35 Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em
Incidentally, during the recent European Athletics coverage, the Beeb flung on a clip of Norris commentating on the marathon at the 1972 Olympics, when some bloke joined the runners near the end and pretended he was in the race – “It’s a hoax! It’s a hoax! He looks as fresh as a buttercup!”


14.00 Airport
During the shooting for this, Jacqueline Bisset used to spend some time gathering herself before filming to get her character right. This, however, was time that Dean Martin could have been on the golf course. “Just do the lines, honey,” he said, “we’re not going to win Oscars for this.” Right again, Dino, but it’s not that bad really, though it’s a bit lengthy. Life and love in, on and around an airport (natch) constitutes the plot for this – oh, and a bomb – and presented George Kennedy with probably his only chance of being a romantic lead; at least, they never let him do it again. Burt Lancaster, Jean Seberg and Barry Nelson help make up the numbers.

23.20 Smash!
We’re bemused why anyone is taken in by Marilyn Manson, and his cover of Tainted Love was surely the most pointless thing in the world, because Marc Almond is clearly much scarier. Here’s the story of two guys from Leeds, over my shoulder, Soft Cell.

01.05 The Dance Years
In 1995 we were all listening to white male indie music, as we were supposed to. Hence, Dangerous Dave Pearce is on a hiding to nothing as he spins the year’s dance records.


04.10 The Bridal Path
Bill ‘otter’ Travers looks for love in a, er, close-knit Hebridean community. The Scotch wryness of Gordon ‘Professionals’ Jackson, Annette ‘Foot’ Crosbie, Molly ‘Stonybridge’ Weir and Graham ‘Sun Trap’ Crowden is augmented by George ‘I was laughing all the way to the Nile’ Cole, Dilys ‘On the Beat’ Laye, Terry ‘Bruvver’ Scott and Edward ‘Grove’ Evans.

05.50 Ivor The Engine
It’s a Bank Holiday Monday, so clearly nobody will be watching this.


10.30 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams
Since when did this turn up? Anyway, we’ve only got the one joke about this series, as you know – it’s a remake and not the original series starring Dan Haggerty; not to be confused with Den Hegarty, though that would have been a great show.

15.00 Honkytonk Man
Cunning as a horse Clint Eastwood covers the fact that he can’t actually sing, in this Country and Western drama, by playing a character with TB. Red Stovall has one last chance to make it to the Grand Ole Opry fighting his illness as he goes and supported – off and on – by his nephew Whit, played by Clint’s own son Kyle ‘never worked again’ Eastwood.

Monday 26th August

10.00 The Thirty-Nine Steps (Big Ben Edition!)
The 1978 effort starring Robert Powell as Richard Hannay getting framed for murder, uncovering a plot to kick-start World War I then clambering all over the face of Big Ben, no doubt inspired by the Will Hay film My Learned Friend, it says here. Anyway, terrific stuff from the Rank Org. and also starring John Mills, David ‘Concentrated Evil’ Warner, Eric ‘Moriarty’ Porter, Timothy ‘V’ West, Michael ‘Ned’ Bilton and John ‘MacPhail’ Grieve.

11.40 ‘Allo ‘Allo!
12.05 Bergerac
13.50 Hi-De-Hi!
Actually, it’s not a Bank Holiday in Scotland, is it? So viewers north of the border must be a little confused as to why the normal daytime fare of Bargain Hunt and Big Strong Boys has been replaced by all this stuff. And, of course…

14.20 The Love Bug
A bank holiday it may be, but surely there’s no excuse for one of the most cliched film line-ups Creamguide’s ever witnessed. Still, hopefully today’s collection of corn means they’ll have to make a bit more of an effort this Christmas. So here’s the original romp with Dean Jones and his highly unloveable Volkswagen with “a personality all of its own”. Enjoy!!!

16.05 The Morecambe and Wise Show
Normally the Beeb show these in badly-edited half-hour chunks (I mean, The Stripper the first sketch?) but today Eric and Ern wallow in a luxurious 45 minute slot. Glenda Jackson and Mary Hopkin feature, so this may well be the episode they flung out the night Ern died in 1999, which was the only non-Christmas episode they’ve shown for ages where they didn’t remove anything, not even the rubbish musical acts.


11.35 Asterix and Cleopatra
“The second Gaulish flick, which we’ve never seen, but the book was a pretty good one, satirising the architectural profession,” averred the TV Cream Times of Tuesday, 9th April 2002, just over four months ago, when this was last on bleeding BBC2. “Can’t see the gags about the Egyptians talking in heiroglyphs making it to the screen, though,” we mused, never guessing that it would be so swiftly reheated as a half-arsed tie-in with yet another showing of the ‘proper’ Cleopatra this afternoon…

12.45 Thunderbirds
… only for Two to intersperse them with this out-of-sequence repeat and…

13.35 The Early Bird
…yet another ropey Norman Wisdom comedy! Now, we give little credence to the conspiracy theory that Jane Root’s personal taste in comedy is the sole factor keeping primetime Goodies repeats off BBC2, but we reckon someone pretty high up in the Big Doughnut must really, really love Our Norm to keep these films in such absurdly healthy circulation. We certainly don’t, though, so Bryan Pringle, Richard Vernon, John Le Mesurier, Frank Thornton and Dandy Nichols is all we have to say on the matter.

17.35 Cleopatra
So. Cleopatra, then. Well, well, well. Erm. Did you know it cost rather a lot of money to produce? Heh! Tum ti tum… Ooh! George Cole’s in it, isn’t he? Which is quite amusing if you – oh. You knew that. Ahem. Hmmmm. Um, Richard O’Sullivan and John Alderton have bit parts too, you didn’t expect that, eh, eh? Oh. Ah. And Desmond Llewelyn apparently, though we’ve always fallen asleep by the time he comes capering on. It is rather long, isn’t it? Heh heh! Er… ASP! Chortle! Comin’ atcha! Oh dear.

19.30 The Good Life
Is this line-up going to get any more predictable?

20.00 Forty Years of University Challenge
Yikes! The Reunited series has whetted our appetite for this, sixty minutes of reminiscence and archive clippage. Says here it includes memories from “former contestant Rik Mayall”, which we’re pretty sure they’re getting mixed up with someone else, mind. But any excuse to hear the original theme tune again, which is a hundred times better than the ridiculous arrangement they use now. And maybe they’ll show a clip of Schools Challenge, the identical series shown at 6.30pm on Tuesday nights on Granada in 1997, where Paxo was replaced by… Mark Radcliffe! While he was presenting the Radio One Breakfast Show! And they said he was too low-profile!

23.35 Knowing Me Knowing Yule… with Alan Partridge
Convenient how we managed to get to the Christmas special on a Bank Holiday, thus allowing it to fit into the schedules despite an odd length – albeit ninety minutes later than usual. And, of course, showing Christmas specials in August is a grand old Creamy tradition, and one we’re keen to see continue.


12.25 Spartacus
So it’s a Bank Holiday and – would you Adam and Eve it – Spartacus is on. No matter, any excuse really to watch this again as Kirk ‘snails’ Douglas goes on the rampage across Italy and causing all sorts of trouble for Laurence Olivier who in turn is making waves for Charles Laughton, Peter Ustinov can’t keep anyone happy, Tony Curtis just avoids helping his boss get a little too happy (slugs and snails at 12.25? What are the chances?) and Herbert Lom is just doing his job. Not the cheeriest film in the world but three hours of quality… again.

15.50 From Russia With Love
It’s Bond film number 2 and one of the best. On the plus side there’s SPECTRE, Col Klebb and her shoes, Robert Shaw and Lois Maxwell and Bernard Lee in the office – as God intended; on the iffy side there’s Francis de Wolff as a gypsy leader, which is rather like casting Omar Sharif as Claude Greengrass, and an entire SPECTRE Island where they do shooting and blow things up but which has never been noticed by anyone. And, for those in need of further information, one of your dedicated film reviewers once almost passed out trying to hold Matt Monroe’s last dead long note in the theme song at a post office works karaoke one Christmas.

22.55 Close To You: The Story Of The Carpenters
As any fule kno, The Carpenters are a brilliant band, and if this documentary actually concentrates on the music rather than going over the tragic aspects again, this could be great. And better than Jackie O: Behind The Myth, at 02.05.


06.00 The Magic Roundabout

11.30 Little House On The Prairie
If the cricket’s finished or washed out. Otherwise, no.

21.00 You Askin’? I’m Dancin’
Hmm, this is basically Top Ten Dances if the publicity is anything to go by, while Iain Lee presents, and he can veer from the appalling to the vaguely engaging. Might be worth a look, although we’re not sure if it’s connected to the e-mail TVC recieved a while back asking if we knew ‘of any programmes that contain footage of people dancing’. Well…


06.30 Dappledown Farm
07.00 James The Cat
11.00 Magnum PI
Course, Bank Holiday or not, C5 sticks with its ratings grabbers. Every day at this time.

14.30 Starman
John Carpenter took a diversion from his usual fare to bring us this alien love story starring Jeff Bridges – he got an Oscar nomination for this – and Karen ‘Raiders’ Allen. Bridges plays an alien who comes to earth having come across the Voyager space probe and having obviously been impressed by Chuck Berry’s on board music (would he have come if he had only found the Blur music in that last probe? Hmmmm…). Of course, when he arrives dastardly military types shoot him down and come after him and it transpires that he can only survive for three days, so it’s a race against the clock to get to Arizona for his rendezvous, helped by little Charles Martin Smith. On the way Bridges and Allen fall in love and…excuse me, I have something in my eye.

19.00 Swapheads
Of course, we’ve not got round to watching this programme, and after the episodes on Wednesdays and Fridays, it’ll all be over. Ah well.

RT REVIEW: The Radio Times fanzine. “Couldn’t we call it ‘TV Cream Bastard Weekly’ this week?” – Radio Creamguide Editor

Oh, now that’s what we call nasty. We’re drafting up a list of guidelines for new RT editor Gill Hudson at the moment (which we’re compiling in the nearest font we could get to the old RT logo) and toppermost of that list is the directive: No exclamation marks on the front cover. This week’s “YUM!” shows why – and it’s particularly bad when coupled with a gag photo of Rick Stein, with a sausage on the end of his fork. Unless, of course, he ‘s paying homage to the old Grange Hill titles. That would be OK. Although the exclamation mark would be still be wrong.

Hurray! It’s more personal stuff from the back pages of Gill Hudson who this week alludes to her previous employment and then moves in on Stuart Maconie’s shtick – “Vesta boxed meals”, indeed. Aside from that, she neglects to use any words or phrases that we find particularly annoying. Um, galling.

Some fantastic stuff in the Letters page this week. Peter Fox contributes the perennial “If the demand for sports coverage is so great then the BBC should inaugurate a sports channel” argument. We agree, and would urge the BBC to launch a channel for each and every possible genre of television (BBC Weatherview – we’d like that) and convert BBC1 into a 24-hour service that just broadcasts a caption-slide of Goldie off Blue Peter. Then, Pat Martin writes in to pick-up on Sally Webster’s embarrassing faux pas of storing red wine in the fridge. You wouldn’t get that in the TV Times, would you? And finally there’s Maureen Foster who merits a mention for using the phrase “So come on BBC”. We can’t get enough of that, to be honest.

“Rant 101” and “Prop Watch”. The former is a pastiche of Room 101 and the RT’s recently axed feature, “Rant!” whilst the latter… well, we’d guess a parody of Stopwatch is out of the question here? Shame. It would’ve been great having Peter Purves and Nigel Starmer-Smith hosting a kind of props-based magazine-show thing.

Well, in fact other people are specifically commenting… and there’s so much data coming in about the ongoing changes in the RT that we’ve established a permanent “Changes in RT” newsdesk in the Creamguide offices. It faces out of the window overlooking the paper shop below, so we can keep an eye on events as they happen. Anyway, first story in is from Creamguide reader “K Turvey” (yes, we thought that too) who picked up on our lament that My Kind of Day had been axed. K said: “There is actually a regular ‘A Life In The Day’ article in the Sunday Times Magazine which can occasionally be a bit highbrow (this week it featured a bass baritone who sings at the Edinburgh Festival) but last week’s was a beaut featuring Ben Elton.” Next up it’s Daniel “The Wibble” Thornton who pointed us in the direction of a story in The Guardian: “Avid followers of Andrew Duncan’s interviews in the Radio Times may have been concerned to find his byline missing from one issue of the TV listings mag last month. Instead the headline interview with Men in Black star Will Smith was conducted by freelancer Jan Masters. The temporary ousting of Duncan was part of an initiative by new editor Gill Hudson to increase the magazine’s flirt factor.” Hmmm, now the flirt factor ‘s fine, we’re wondering if Gill could have a look at increasing the “pictures of old Radio Times covers” factor. Finally Mikey “[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]” Hoskins was good enough to point out that as of this issue, Trackword has been axed. He reflects: “It’s a pity, for pure nostalgic reasons if nothing else, that the last remnant of John Craven’s Back Page (September 1980) has been axed.” Aye, well said that man. (The Creamguide Editor would also like to comment on the captions used in the Rough Cut section, which seem to be taking the piss – hence ‘Raworth: “quiz”‘, ‘Theakston: “actor”, ‘Fellowes: “lazy”‘, and our fave, ‘Taylor: “arachnophobic”‘. Captions: “bloody stupid”, in our opinion.)
Still grumpy.

“I want to see Hancock’s Half Hour (any that haven’t been carelessly destroyed over the years, of course.)” Call us “hopeless telly-buffs”, but here at Creamguide we’d actually *like* to see *only* those episodes carelessly destroyed over the years.

Monday, 2.00am, Discovery: “The Operation – Surgery to relieve chronic heartburn.” While we’re here, can we request a return of those quotes for the EastEnders’ billings? And could the RT also somehow work in the “TARDIS Log” conceit too?

Tuesday 27th August


14.10 Murder She Wrote
Blimey, we’re scraping the barrel here, aren’t we? Quite why the Beeb have gone to the trouble of nicking these off ITV, we’re not sure, but they’re on every day at this time in any case.


11.30 Love Boat – The Next Wave
Thankfully, this finishes tomorrow.

13.35 Only Two Can Play
It’s awkwardness and frustration ahoy! As Peter Sellers’ hopeless Welsh librarian John Lewis tries it on with local socialite Mai Zetterling who keeps giving him the eye, though Kenneth Griffiths steals the show here for our money, supported by Graham ‘compulsory’ Stark, Richard ‘Pinkie’ Attenborough, Raymond Huntly and John Le Mesurier.

18.20 TOTP2
Well, we were going to whinge about last Tuesday’s show featuring nine minutes of Eva Cassidy, but then we noticed the programme’s website includes which is, brilliantly, a list of all the programme’s presenters, week by week, something we’ve been looking for for ages. Course, as there are virtually no sixties shows left, that’s rather badly covered – though we do get Dave ‘The Stattus Quo!’ Cash in there – but it’s in the late 70s and 80s where it’s really fantastic. Like in April 1977 where, apropos of nothing, Uriah Heep presented the programme. And in September 1980, when it was fronted by Mike Read and Russ Abbott, and Peter Powell and Garth Crooks in May 1982. And Alexis Korner co-presented the Fifteen Years Of Radio One episode in September 1982 as well. Anyway, tonight we’ve got The Jackson Five, Level 42
and Kym Mazelle, so that’s OK.

20.00 The Way We Cooked
Last in the series, and good news for Ask The Family correspondents, Jamie Oliver’s one of the subjects. Along with Gary Rhodes, which makes this whole show seem a bit pointless because we know what these people do. Unless they show Rhodes on Hot Chefs on daytime BBC1 in 1991, where he berated his hapless assistant Vince and everyone complained to Points of View about his ‘bullying’.

23.50 The Phil Silvers Show
Oh, and apparently the Peel Room 101 didn’t go out last week, so it may be on at 22.00 – or it could be a dull one with Fay Ripley in.


13.30 Battle for the Planet of the Apes
We’ve had a statistician in this morning to help us plot the goodness of the Apes films on a little Powerpoint graph for our forthcoming “What’s Wrong with Films, TV and, While We’re About It, Everything Else” lecture tour of women’s institutes, and it bears an uncanny correlation to those FTSE charts they flash up behind Michael Buerk to signify “trouble in the markets today”. So, while the first is clearly top dollar, the second interestingly bizarre, the third a tad wearying after the first half-hour and the fourth a directionless curio seemingly filmed in Milton Keynes, this one is, well, a bunch of blokes fighting a bunch of monkeys, with a back-covering “epilogue” with John Huston at the end. And! Is the statue of Caesar crying tears of joyful hope, or despair? Or just plain embarrassment?

03.10 The Big Match Replayed
There’s every chance that the new Nationwide League deal will have been sorted out by now – mind you, it was supposed to be practically sealed about a fortnight ago, and still there’s no word – and so we won’t get this. Still, fingers crossed we will, if we get another moment like the one in the
last show from 1978 – Brian introducing Leeds vs Spurs and warning of “A clash of colours for those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in
the slightly darker strip with black flashes on the front of their shirts – but wouldn’t it have been so much easier if one team had worn dark shorts?’ You tell ’em, Brian.


06.00 The Magic Roundabout

21.00 When Pat Phoenix Met Tony Booth
Last week’s Steptoe doco was apparently really tawdry, so let’s hope for better from this week’s effort. Hopefully it won’t include the dreadful Sun advert form 1986 we found on an old Betamax tape a while back, with Tony penning a ‘personal letter’ to Pat – “If we stick together, kid, we’ll be OK!”

03.40 To Sir, with Love
The dramatic prototype version of Please, Sir! provides Sidney ‘Sneakers’ Poitier with the perfect platform to look stern as he tries to instil discipline and a sense of hope into poor, misunderstood yadda-yadda-yadda. However, the cast help even out the Cream scores this week what with Geoffrey ‘Catweazle’ Bayldon, Fred’ alway seemed to be a taxi driver’ Griffiths, Patricia ‘Bucket’ Routledge and – thank heavens – Marianne Stone. Now, if they’d managed to squeeze Deryck Guyler in there somewhere as well, we might have stayed up to twenty to four in the morning to watch it. They just don’t think, do they? And no, we’re not going to mention that song.


14.30 McMillan and Wife
Would you mind if we stopped billing this? On Thursday too, if you care.

Wednesday 28th August


17.00 Blue Peter
The roadshow van goes into mothballs for another year, and the team lie down in a darkened room for a bit. In the meantime, the story of Meg, which will mean heavy Baker content, so that’s OK.


13.35 On the Beat
More bloody Wisdom. Esma ‘Cabby’ Cannon, Ronnie ‘Cruising’ Stevens, Dilys ‘Camping’ Laye and Terence ‘Regardless’ Alexander provide meagre Creamspotting sustenance.

18.20 TOTP2
Van Morrison and Cliff Richard (hopefully together, doing the fantastic Whenever God Shines His Light), plus Neneh Cherry and Catatonia. Anyway, in 1987, Gary Davies fronted seven consecutive programmes, which must be a record, then in the autumn of 1988 they tried out four new female presenters in a row – Keating and Turner, yes, but also Sybil Ruscoe and Susie ‘Radio London’ Mathis. Meanwhile after the Rhythm Pals split up in 1984, they seemed to be trying to find a new partner for Peel, so tried him out with Tommy Vance and Richard Skinner before hitting on Janice Long. Oh, and those mid-90s shows are great – especially the one in May 1996 presented by *Jeremy Hardy*. I mean…


13.30 Back to the Planet of the Apes
And you thought it couldn’t get much worse, but now we’ve gone onto the TV movies to fill up the afternoons. To think they axed Win, Lose or Draw for this.

00.55 Forever
1992 saw Please Don’t Go by KWS stay at number one for five weeks, and Top of the Pops was regularly presented by Tony Dortie and Adrian Rose. So if you don’t mind, we won’t join Andy Darling as he replays the hits of the year.


06.00 The Magic Roundabout

13.25 The Lady Vanishes
“Saturday, 17th June 2001, 16.45, Channel Four – A thoroughly pointless remake of the trainbound Hitchcock classic, so of course we’ll find it interesting. Elliott Gould and Cybill Shepherd search for the titular disappeared Angela Lansbury, with Arthur Lowe and Ian ‘Wimsey’ Carmichael as Charters and Caldicott, Gerald ‘Adamant’ Harper and Jenny ‘Jubilee’ Runacre as the Todmasters, Herbert ‘Dreyfuss’ Lom, Jean ‘Tenko’ Anderson, and the Lucascentric double bill of Jeremy ‘Fett’ Bulloch and William ‘Porkins’ Hootkins.” – excerpt from 100 Great Creamguide Billings, Hodder Headline, UKP 5.99.

21.00 Classmates
This series has been a bit pointless, to be honest, and we were disappointed it wasn’t the long-awaited second series of the 1988 Sarah Kennedy Sunday-night-after-Highway-on-ITV This Is Your Life ripoff. Still, tonight’s pupils left in 1988, so the soundtrack should be fun, if nothing else.


14.30 Short Walk to Daylight
James ‘Westworld’ Brolin stars as one of eight people stuck in the New York Subway after an earthquake trying to find their way out. What can we say? It’s better than Daylight. With James ‘Tenafly’ McEachin.

Thursday 29th August


13.45 Too Many Crooks
Yet more George Cole in this very classy Ealing crime caper. The Putative Arfur and his bungling gang – including Bernard Bresslaw and Sid James – go after aristocratic gun runner Terry-Thomas’s millions, with chaotic results. Treasures galore – the stylishly filmed opening ram-raid (bungled, of course), an ace bit of interplay with Thomas up before the beak (John Le Mesurier, naturally), and a climactic hearse chase (don’t cf. the film of That’s Your Funeral, please) plus Nicholas Parsons, Terry Scott, Joe Melia and Sam ‘Orlando’ Kydd more than make up for those sodding Wisdoms.

01.20 What Have The Seventies Ever Done For Us?
Like Forever, only with more about neutrons in it.


13.30 Farewell to the Planet of the Apes
Thank Christ for that. Next week, This Morning’s back – presented by Phillip Schofield! No, he should be Mister BBC! He can’t do this!


13.35 The Hound of the Baskervilles
Old, good, Hammer adaptation of the Holmes fave, with Peter Cushing and Andre ‘Quatermass’ Morell as the detecting duo, Christopher Lee as Sir Henry at Baskerville End, plus – deja vu ahoy – John Le Mesurier and Sam ‘Orlando’ Kydd, and some top atmospherics of the dry ice and eerie green glow school.

22.00 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights
We like the publicity still for this episode, with Brian Potter wearing a T-shirt we like to think is inspired by the sartorial elegance of ‘Goeff’ Capes. This is still brilliant, although we’re a bit sick of Heat and the Radio Times going on and on about it, as last year they gave it one and no reviews respectively. And can *they* recite the whole of the Rola-Cola routine? We think not.

Friday 30th August


01.15 Uncommon Valor
Gene Hackman is a father whose son is a Vietnam War PoW who goes after him with some of his son’s friends and with the help of Robert Stack who bankrolls the operation as his boy had also been a PoW. With Fred ‘Tremors 2’ Ward and Patrick Swayze, but all is not lost! Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb is in it, too.


00.10 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights
“I woke up in casualty… on a drip filled with Rola-Cola!”


09.00 James The Cat
Yes, it’s at 07.00 still, but there’s also another episode today, seemingly just to make this look untidy. Grr.

14.35 Being There
Oooh, ambiguity ahoy! Is he a gardener? Is he gay? Is he Stan Laurel? Is he Jesus? Is he – chortle – a premonition of the Reagan era? Answers on a stuck-down Lawson, please. By no means Sellers’ best role, but a damn good absent turn all the same, Jerzy Kosinsky’s numb parable puts mild-mannered, TV-obsessed man child Chance out into the Washington streets after his boss croaks it, quickly running in with ill senator Mervyn Douglas and rampant wife Shirley Maclaine, and climbing the political pole by default with a collection of vacant homespun homilies. Charming and occasionally sharp, in an airless sort of way. Oh, and due to the timeslot, almost certain to have the scene where Maclaine masturbates on the floor while Sellers sits on the end of the bed staring into space heavily butchered.

02.35 The Late Show
Art Carney and Lily Tomlin get mixed up in murder and cat theft in this pleasant gumshoe throwback, with Bill ‘we find the defendants *incredibly* guilty’ Macy.


Sunday, 22.00
Peter Kay Live At The Top Of The Tower – Watch this programme.

* Not long before BBC4 started screening old BBC Knowledge favourites, like the Arena documentary on the Cortina (Sunday, 21.25). Still, Stuart Maconie’s back on the channel, counting down Sight and Sound’s list of the Top Ten Filmes Ever Made (Monday, 20.50). Creamguide’s editor isn’t that bothered, but then his favourite film is High Fidelity. Meanwhile The Falklands Play’s repeated (Wednesday, 21.00), hilariously one week after Creamguide’s parents finally got round to watching their tape from the last time it was on. We’ve got the documentary about it, too, at 20.30 and 00.50

* E4 have Banzai at 22.50 and 02.45 on Wednesday, at the same time as Paremount’s screening of The Frank Skinner Show (Monday-Thursday, 23.00) – the third, and best, series. Alan Hansen’s on Monday, we think, while on Wednesday it’s Mike Aspel and they cut out the bit from his This Is Your Life, so the closing moments make no sense at all. Hopefully they leave Pet Watch in the Dale Winton episode on Thursday. Fry and Laurie’s on Friday at 00.20 and Sunday at 23.45, after Peter Kay, which you must watch.

* Other usual suspects are I Love 1974 on UK Horizons (Friday, 21.00), Bullseye on G+ at yet another bloody new slot (Sundays alone, 22.30) and When Louis Met Paul and Debbie on BBC Choice (Sunday, 21.00), which we’re sick of the sight of and will never include again. Grrr. Just get ready for Peter Kay on Paramount.

It’s Creamguide’s official birthday this week, in that this list has been running for two years, and we’d like to point out that we’ve not missed one week in the whole of that time. Messages of condolence for this wasted life should be directed to Ask The Family, the TV Cream message board at – just click on Long Shots. And hurry up and subscribe to the TV Cream Update – the new issue is out soon, and has jokes about Home Cookery Club in it!
And they smell like one too – Chris Hughes, Ian Jones, Simon Tyers

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