TV Cream

Dr Who

TV Cream Dr Who Consumer Unit

The air is thick with them, the internet perforated by them, the press carpeted in them.

But enough about rumours concerning the identity of that woman who sings Ride On Time. Let’s try and pin down exactly what is common knowledge about the identity of the next Dr Who.

1) In July, a man in Jedburgh told his local paper he thought he’d spotted someone who “looked like Tony Hawks” stepping in and out of a blue box.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: It was Tony Hawks, but on investigation it turns out he was merely “researching” his latest book about wryly carrying large goods (in this case a walk-in ice box) in a wry fashion around wryly inhospitable landscapes.

2) A fortnight ago an old lady in Hereford phoned her son to say that she’d overheard two people in Waitrose, “one of whom was Tom Baker”, discussing how much they were looking forward to “seeing more Billie Piper”. The son later posted this revelation on a fan forum.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: It was Tom Baker, but he was relating how much he was looking forward to “seeing more Marie Piper”, i.e. potatoes.

3) During the summer Russell T Davies reportedly told a fan convention he was very much hoping to give Danny Dyer a hand in getting an opening.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: Russell T Davies was not talking about Dr Who.

4) The next Dr Who will be someone who has already been in the show.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: He was asked, but Colin Baker declined, stating it would “be like being asked back for one night with your ex-girlfriend”.

5) The next Dr Who will be a black man/old man/American/child/cripple/gay/gay cripple.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: The next Dr Who will be Julia Sawalha.



  1. James Masterton

    November 25, 2008 at 12:51 am

    Funny you should say that as the women on Ride On Time was not Loleatta Holloway as she had gone to court to get her original Love Sensation vocal deleted from the track. Instead it was Heather Small, soon to be of M People, but at the time an unknown and struggling session singer who was booked for an emergency studio date and who sang the song from a printed sheet without really knowing the significance.

    Radio stations kept playing their original promo copies with Holloway’s vocals, but the version everyone bought had Heather Small’s note for note vocals on instead. To this day Heather Small thinks it funny that it is only people in the music industry that ask her about it.. until the day I did of course.

    Nothing to do with Dr Who, sorry. I’m still offended that the body doubles in Series 2 of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl didn’t even pretend to be Billie Piper. Bastards.

  2. Joe Bua

    November 25, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    “I’m still offended that the body doubles in Series 2 of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl didn’t even pretend to be Billie Piper.”

    I have to wonder if there was a moment when one of the doubles went over to a director and asked, “What’s my motivation,” to which the reply was “Huh? Oh, honey, just open your legs and think about how the tardis is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.”

    Sorry, also nothing to do with Doctor Who, but I couldn’t resist.

    May not Julia as the next doctor, btw, but in a meta-casting hire Saffy Monsoon and do an entire other show where Edina acts like the ultimate stage mother of the new Doctor. And Patsy could play a friendly Ood.

  3. Five-Centres

    November 26, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    The next Doctor Who is JJ Field. Fact.

  4. TV Cream

    November 26, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    The latest I’ve heard is that it’s James Bond III off of The Red Hand Gang.

  5. Simon Underwood

    November 26, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    It will be Steven Moffat himself!

    The Scots accent means less of a transition for current fans and he can save eons of time and paper by just improvising the Doctor’s lines during a take.

    Incidentally, it seems Steven Moffat is slightly psychic about his future. I was catching up with the still utterly amazing Press Gang on DVD this week (cheers, CEX second hand stores!) and in one episode Frazz is wearing a Tintin shirt and in another Mr Sullivan tells Lynda about a “rip in the space/time continium”…the man was just biding his time I tell you!

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