“Ah, list o’ Bond, I’ve been expecting you” – part five: 0010-001

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"Ah, list o' Bond, I've been expecting you" - 0010-001

TV Cream concludes its countdown of the 50 greatest moments from the James Bond films…

0010: Bond listens to a performance of a Bond theme

Linda McCartney not pictured

Great that they managed to get Linda McCartney to appear in person. (Live and Let Die, 1973)

Linda McCartney pictured

009: Bond meets a smart Alec

Bean counting

The only people who should ever call attention to Bond’s life outside MI6 are those who would have reason to have read up on him (agent XXX, Tiffany Case, Robbie Coltrane) or secret service staff who have been petitioned in person by outraged chefs and humiliated tailors. 007′s treacherous ex-colleague Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) falls into the second category when he delivers a brilliantly bitchy prediction of Bond’s funeral: “A small memorial service, with only Moneypenny and a few tearful restauranteurs in attendance.” (Goldeneye, 1995)

008: A pigeon does a double-take in time to a Viennese polka while Bond drives through St Mark’s Square in a motorised gondola

Fowl play BLINK!

Gondola-la-la-la

What do you mean it’s not in the book? (Moonraker, 1979)

007: “…close, but no cigar!”

Close, but no cigar

“James!” exclaims the best Moneypenny of them all, as 007 walks into her office. “Have you brought me a souvenir from your trip? Chocolates? An engagement ring?” Bond sidles over to her desk. “I thought you might enjoy one of these,” he declares, producing what can only be described as a tumescent metal tube. “How romantic,” observes Moneypenny, suggestively. “I know EXACTLY where to put that.” She promptly throws the container into her waste paper basket. “The story of our relationship,” sighs Bond. “Close – but no cigar.”  (The World is Not Enough, 1999)

006: Bond gives a driving lesson

The eyes still have it Some men don't like being taken for a ride

007 and XXX are in a van being methodically chewed to pieces by Jaws. Bond decides to pass the time by methodically chewing the scenery, settling back into the passenger seat and rifling through his repertoire of gags about women drivers. “Try the big one,” he informs Mrs Ringo Starr. “Can you play any other tune?…Let’s try reverse, that’s backwards… Would you like me to drive?” Of course, he’s not just being a sexist pig. Oh no. His jibes contrive to whip up XXX into a spot of Jaws-baiting road rage, while setting up the perfect retort once out of harm’s way. “Shaken,” she informs her companion coolly, “but not stirred” – at which Bond rolls his eyes, wonderfully. (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977)

005: Bond considers a couple of points

Bond considers a couple of points

While posing as a businessman in the office of petrochemical megalomaniac Mr Osato (Teru Shimada), 007 finds talk turning to matters anatomical. After his host cautions him on the dangers of smoking, his host’s assistant Helga (Karin Dor) decides to reinforce her support of this position by referencing her own reinforced position. “Mr Osata believes in a healthy chest,” she flexes. “Really,” digests Bond, pointedly. (You Only Live Twice, 1967)

004: “It’s late, I’m tired, and there’s so much left to do.”

No rest for the wicked

Blofeld (Charles Gray) bemoans the lot of diabolical masterminds everywhere. (Diamonds are Forever, 1971)

003: The definition of safe sex

The definition of safe sex

It’s wise of our hero to remain armed in what appears to be a Russian leisure centre. It’s even wiser of him when it turns out the facilities are being shared by Xenia Onatopp, the Esther Rantzen of the anarcho-erotic underworld. “You don’t need the gun, commander,” she purrs. “That depends on your definition of safe sex!” retorts Bond, conscious of her predilection for swapping a pout for a bout. Sure enough, much verbal and physical petting ensues, until 007 has had enough. “No, no, no!” he states triumphantly. “No more foreplay!” (Goldeneye, 1995)

002: “Your problems are all behind you now!”

A little more cheek than usual

It’s the scene that always got cut out of ITV’s bowdlerised daytime versions of Bond, and one that has helped get the entire film bumped up from a PG to a 12. Both of these decisions were and are as ludicrous as the sequence itself, which is the second most flippantly yet amusingly outrageous moment in the whole of the official 007 canon. There is nothing suggestive here; just silliness. Heavens, it’s pure Carry On Bond, with our man pretending to call someone a bitch before slipping a cassette down their pants then making a joke about bottoms. Loose Women is a thousand times more offensive. (Diamonds are Forever, 1971)

001: The James Bond all-male close-harmony singers

Nobody does it wetter

“Do you think there’s a danger of the bends?” wonders Sir Frederick Gray, as the capsule containing Bond and Amasova bobs its way casually into the ledgers of cinematic legend. As the 007 “family” cluster round for a peek, somewhere off camera, clearing their collective throats, are the James Bond all-male close harmony singers, waiting for Roger Moore to deliver one of the greatest innuendos of them all. And waiting in line next to them, there’s only bloody Carly Simon and the greatest Bond theme of them all…

Baby's got the bends

Two minutes of (double 0) heaven ensues. (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977)

Heroes one and all

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN…

4 Responses to ““Ah, list o’ Bond, I’ve been expecting you” – part five: 0010-001”

  1. Mike says:

    This has been a fantastic series and thanks so much for picking up on the ‘little moments’ – I still think the rooftop fight scene from You Only Live Twice is about as artistically brilliant as these films got, helped by Barry’s supposedly eastern influenced score. For me, The Living Daylights is the one stuffed with great bits – probably the scene where Bond’s chasing a baddie and thinks he’s caught him, only to find he’s pulled his gun on a little kid, is note perfect, especially the look of shock and humiliation on Dalton’s face.

  2. Calnert says:

    For the sake of posterity:

    7 entries
    Diamonds Are Forever
    The Spy Who Loved Me

    6 entries
    Moonraker

    5 entries
    GoldenEye

    4 entries
    Live and Let Die
    The World Is Not Enough

    3 entries
    Goldfinger

    2 entries
    From Russia with Love
    You Only Live Twice
    Tomorrow Never Dies

    1 entry
    Thunderball
    On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
    The Man with the Golden Gun
    Octopussy
    A View to a Kill

    0 entries
    Dr. No
    For Your Eyes Only
    The Living Daylights
    Licence to Kill
    Die Another Day

    N/A(?)
    Casino Royale
    Quantum of Solace

    All in all a splendid list!

  3. THX 1139 says:

    No room for the For Your Eyes Only “MEEESTER BOOOOOND!!!” fit of pique where they they went, well, we didn’t like Blofeld anyway so ner?

  4. The Haj says:

    The Spy Who Loved Me, also starring HMS Fearless as herself. Which was very like Battle of the River Plate with Ancillies, Ajax and Cumberland all doing the same thing.

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