NUPTIAL-ENDORSING NONSENSE which, were it still running today, the Tories would’ve co-opted as party policy within seconds (SATIRE). DEREK BATEY was your rheumy host, trying to ensure his betrothed contestants remained “nice to each other” – as the theme tune trilled – via a stream of thunderously thick-eared questions such as “when does your wife prefer to clean the valance” or “what is your husband’s favourite root vegetable”. While the one fielded these terrifying teasers, t’other went into “the booth” and “donned the headphones”. Prizes limited to wad of money, forever fanned out tantalisingly by Derek. After long-overdue axe, the show went out on the road supposedly reeling in “thousands” to enjoy the show’s charm offensive, i.e. the contestants were charming, the host was offensive.