1) Seminal theme tune which gets revamped every couple of years to a chorus of complaints then gets changed back again
2) Besuited pundit panel of varying form but always boating a “head boy” (i.e. JIMMY HILL, ALAN HANSEN)
3) “Coming up”, all the action from “the games that matter”, i.e. be thankful for what you’ve got
4) Occasional boring feature profiling struggling/plucky/wacky/foreign player/manager who is currently “causing an upset” in a lower league
5) Goal Of The Month with a prize of two tickets to an away fixture as close as possible to London to keep the BBC budget down
6) Delirious shouting from the likes of JOHN MOTSON, DAVID COLEMAN or BARRY DAVIES
7) Earnest analysis of “spot of bother” at this or that ground, inevitably ending with someone concluding “the authorities really need to crack down on this sort of thing”
8) Pithy sign-off from your host, either mastered by the majestic Lynam or muffed by the mithering Lineker.