DISEMBARK, IF you will, upon the verdant shores of Gaul where wine grows on trees, cocktail glasses chink on the hour every hour, and onions are worn as earrings. Here, the rich play hard, the very rich play harder, and the richest of all play Chris De Burgh. Welcome to CHATEAUVALLON, a readymade Dallas for the European Community, with feuding clans, press barons, gabbling women and gargling men. And it’s all for you on Channel 4. Except it’s in French. And you can watch either an appallingly dubbed version, or a clunking-subtitled one. A smash hit on the other side of La Manche. Mashed shit over here.