“A frightening use of synthesiser marks out this 1990 children’s comedy theme.
“It begins with a taut scale reaching its top note by 00:02 where it is greeted by an audible shimmer. And in some of the clubs I’ve played, you’d be lucky if you even get that from the crowd!
“A brief double-snare sting introduces a plodding melody oscillating between two semi tones. Of course my favourite Tone is my good pal the virile golfer Tony Jacklin. He showed me a few strokes for tackling an embarrassingly persistent semi, I can tell you!
“A call and response between the bass and the treble establish the pace and at 00:07 the tune proper begins, revolving around a cloying suspended note that dances out a Wurlitzer-like melody. And frankly, if there’s half a chance of cloying at some suspenders I’ll be dancing like a Wurlitzer too!
“The main theme is complimented by a vamping accompaniment, and that certainly takes me back to doing Forces Radio with Diana Dors!
“The big laugh comes at 00.30 with the middle-eight, and the tune modulating to a minor. Sadly, modulating minors is something we’ve been reading far too much about in our newspapers lately.
“At 00:46 an unusual washboard sound-effect bridges back into the main tune which then continues to the coda at 00:56, bringing the theme to a squeaky ‘told you so’ sign off that sounds like it was tossed off in a matter of seconds. Which brings me back to Tony Jacklin…”
But what’s the theme?