How We Used To List: 23rd – 29th MARCH 2002

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What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…

(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)

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TV CREAM TIMES
“Packed with obscure in-jokes and facts”
23rd – 29th March 2002
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Movin’ on – Phil Norman
Checkin’ in – Graham Kibble-White
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Saturday 23rd March

BBC2

14.55 The King and I
On the 23rd December 2001, we said of this Brynnerfest – “The first of many, and we do mean many, really really obvious choices for Christmas films, proving that the schedulers, while making a better fist of it than last year, still aren’t trying all that hard.” Substitute “Easter” for “Christmas” and you’ll have written our billings for us.

18.00 Steptoe and Son
And keeping to the week’s theme of eerie familiarity, here’s The Desperate Hours again. Yes, the one with Leonard Rossiter in.

21.00 Class Of 1982
Last week’s show included a clip of Frankie Howerd giving out best entertainment performance at the 1978 BAFTAs, accompanied by local paper style stills, which was ace, especially Frankie going “Marvellous performances, all of them… oooooooh-oooooooh!” We still quite like this show, especially when it picks an ace year – and that’s certainly the case this week, as it’s 1982. However, we’d like to complain about the Top of the Pops round now only using one archive chart rundown, when in the first show they had three. Bah.

ITV

13.30 A Star is Born
Garland and Mason in original Diamond-free classic. More Joots on Friday.

21.00 TV Nightmares 8
Now Steve Penk doesn’t have a dayjob, he’s presumably free to do loads more shit specials, of which this is normally the worst as it’s just a lazier, nastier version of It’ll Be Alright On The Night, presented by a gurning idiot and produced by a production team with no feel for comedy at all. But! Phillip Schofield guests, and we’re wondering if they’re going to dig out some Broom Cupboard clips, like the time he pulled BBC1 off the air. Or maybe even Tenball, though it’ll probably just be ‘Oh, it’s just come out of the oven!’ Also guesting is John ‘The Prime Minister is behind you!’ Sergeant.

22.00 After They Were Famous
Another returning mediocre ITV feature is the new series of the show that’s never quite as entertaining as you think it’s going to be, although there’s sometimes some fun clippage. And Stuart Maconie used to write it too. Only Burt Ward and Zola Budd tonight, though.

CHANNEL 4

12.50 Little House On The Prairie
Turns out there’s going to be a few weeks’ gap between the last Big Breakfast and the first edition of “Rise” or whatever they end up calling it, with Angela Anaconda in the meantime. This might be there too.

21.00 Heroes of Comedy
That’ll be the series over, then, as we’re back on repeats, starting with this profile of Ronnie Barker, where he’ll be talking incredibly quickly, making spousands of thoonerisms and wearing women’s clothing.

22.00 How To Have A Number One
Not a TV version of The Manual by KLF, worse luck, but this could still be a lot of fun anyway as it promises to tell the stories about how records got to the top of the charts. Most interesting looks set to be the saga behind the chart being rigged to stop the Sex Pistols getting to number one, which hasn’t really been told in much detail in the past so here’s hoping for some fine clippage. Despite the fact John Lydon’s going to be on it, doing the same old act. And thankfully, no Relax – at last!

01.10 Kiss Me, Stupid
The Great Lost Peter Sellers/Marilyn Monroe Comedy, if fate hadn’t intervened. Instead, second choice Kim ‘Falcon Crest’ Novak and sixth choice Ray ‘My Favourite Martian’ Walston conspire against Dean Martin.

CHANNEL 5

01.30 Billy Jack
This martial arts vigilante flick was astonishingly popular in its day. Now it’s small-hours-C5 popular. Time marches on.

04.20 Sons and Daughters
You’d think they could keep this at the same time each week.

Sunday 24th March

BBC1

16.15 ET Comes Home
The spin-off film from the popular BT adverts is out again, and to ‘celebrate’ here’s a look behind the scenes of how it was made, in a sort of I Love Those Cheapo Behind The Scenes Things ITV Show On Saturday Afternoons thing. Let’s hope for some Film 82, with Iain Johnstone looking uncomfortable behind a desk, in any case.

00.00 Alfie
The vintage Mick-the-lad caper and focus of many an ill-researched pub quiz controversy when a question about the identity of the theme tune’s singer turns up.

BBC2

11.20 Star Trek (not Northern England)
Grr, more awkwardness as Super League’s on in some regions, but not others. Ah, you’ve seen them all anyway.

CHANNEL 4

06.00 Bagpuss
Ask The Family would love to know if you remember this.

05.50 Bagpuss
If you don’t, it’s on again just under 24 hours later.

CHANNEL 5

21.00 Christine
Mercifully short film of long, boring Stephen King possessed ’50s car novel.

Monday 25th March

BBC1

17.00 Blue Peter
Boo, BP’s now back just twice a week, which is all wrong. The idea is that because it’s on all year round, the actual amount of programmes is the same as it used to be, but unfortunately here in the Creamguide Office we normally just get to see Friday’s show, and it was always the best one too. Even repeats would do! Anyway, make the most of the double helping because that’s all you’ll get until October.

BBC2

13.10 The Phil Silvers Show
Used to be that absolutely nothing could dislodge Play School from 10.30/11.00 (delete according to when you were four), come party conference, war or hurricane. Nowadays Tubbies and Tweenies shuttle about all over the place, and as such Cbeebies doesn’t start until 10am this week, so we won’t get to see Chris Jarvis and Pui Fan Lee sing the opening song, worse luck. Sort this out, CBBC!

18.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons
Funny how they’re prepared to move Malcolm In The Middle to half past eight, when The Simpsons, who deserve that slot, have never had the chance in six years.

20.00 University Challenge Revisited
We’ve never liked this programme, partly because we’ve only ever got about two questions right in the entire forty year history of the show, and Paxo’s always snooty about telly questions in any case. However, we’re going to highlight this new series because it features previous teams coming back and they might show some old clips of the Bamber days. Though it’s unlikely because it’s usually hideously po-faced.

21.00 Shooting Stars
Not something you can level against this show, though a guest list of Quentin Willson, Tania Strecker and Nicky Clarke isn’t that much of a killer.

22.00 Room 101
So, time for Creamguide’s annual moan about the BAFTA nominations, specifically the fact that Paul Merton and Have I Got News For You have been nominated for what must be the tenth consecutive year – but can anyone explain what that man or that programme are doing now they didn’t do better a decade ago? Parky’s up for one again, and anyone who saw 2001 TV Moments can come up with a hundred reasons why he doesn’t deserve it, as are The Two Johns, and Michael Gambon’s up for The Michael Gambon Award. Most bizarrely of all, Room 101’s up for Best Entertainment Show of the year. It’s not even the Best Entertainment Show of the night! Oh, and Patrick Moore’s the guest tonight, who’s always struck us as a bit miserable.

ITV

15.50 Take Over TV
In no way influenced by Nickelodeon, or indeed UP2U (the first, superior series, obviously), this week CITV give you the chance to vote for the programmes they show. As long as they’re very cheap. Anyway, on Monday one of the options is S Club 7 Back To The Fifties Part One, and on Tuesday there’s S Club 7 Back To The Fifties Part Two – but what if it only wins one day? Would they show part two but not part one? They haven’t really thought this through, have they? Cos on Monday it’s the best option, but on Tuesday we really want to see Clueless.

CHANNEL 4

07.00 The Big Breakfast
We never thought we’d see the day, but this time next week this programme will be all over. Before then, BB Gold is on at 07.10 and 08.10, and the other day they showed a clip of a Danny Baker-fronted edition, which reminded us of how great he used to be on this show. Unfortuantely there’s also hundreds of clips of Mike McLean too.

13.20 Little House On The Prairie
Blimey, we’re short-tempered this week, aren’t we? Still, no chance of constantly misspelling Bewitched.

00.10 Enemy Mine
Inexplicably often lauded as a classic (presumably on the grounds that any ’80s sci-fi film that isn’t full of space battles must be a classic by default), this is an OK reworking of old “across enemy lines” war buddy pictures. With added gargling.

CHANNEL 5

06.30 Dappledown Farm
Uncle Brian’ll cheer us up.

11.00 TJ Hooker
Come on, we could at least have had some holiday repeats of Havakazoo here.

15.35 Buona Sera, Mrs Campbell
Odd little comedy (co-written by Denis Norden, no less) in which Phil Silvers, Peter Lawford and Telly Savalas may have fathered Gina Lollobrigida’s child during the war.

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TV CREAM HEROES WEEKLY
A treasure chest of TV’s best

#9 Lucy Benjamin, as seen in EASTENDERS, Monday & Friday 20.00, Tuesday & Thursday 19.30, BBC1

Do you know, the Creamguide office is a bit like the Junior Gazette. Aside from it being grossly overstaffed, our Radio Cream Times Ed is like Spike – urbane, cool, a laff riot really. Plus he does an unconvincing American accent and, in real life, knows little about computer games. Then there’s our Radio Cream Times TV Cream Heroes Weekly compiler who always makes us think of bent Colin, trading in knock-off gags and formats, excitedly pitching to the rest of the office his hare-brained schemes (Creamguide to lobby for membership in the Water Rats?!) and starting ill-advised fads (I mean, “Celebrity Smells”?!) which eventually crash around his ears. He’s alright for a laugh though. Of course, the TV Cream Times Ed himself is pretty much a male Linda Day (he certainly *fancies* Julia Sawalha if that’s any help), and old Phil Norman (who does the films); well he’s Matt Kerr – the mysterious benefactor who holds the office keys. Just what is he really up to? TVCHW likes to think of itself as the Julie Craig character who can be relied upon to provide a timely put-down or tart comment to prick the bubble of pomposity. Unfortunately our office straw poll (which we have to admit we rather ill-advisedly initiated) suggests that we’re more like Frazz. That’s just not fair.

Anyway before we get back to writing the horoscopes, we have to address this week’s TVCHW who prompted this PRESS GANG-related reverie. Yes, Lucy Benjamin portrayed Julie Craig who we still maintain we’re most closely aligned with. Of course appearing in ver ‘Gang pretty much allows her 24 hour access to our Virtual Town of TV Renown (don’t worry, Dexter Fletcher is still stopped at the front gate) but Lucy can top even that. Yes, she holds the relatively rare accolade of being a second actor to have played the same companion in Terry Nation’s DR WHO when she appeared in the Peter Davidson story “Mawdryn Undead” as a younger version of Nyssa (the one in the brown). And the sci-fi remains strong because she went on to play the part of Fiona McBride in BSB’s ILL-FATED JUPITER MOON (which we understand is the full and correct title for the programme).

Now she’s in EASTENDERS sporting an old-looking face. Welcome, Lucy, to the TV Cream Heroes Weekly foyer. A Dr Who fan will be along shortly to show you to your room and query you on whether you think “Mawdryn Undead” undermined previously established facts about when Jon Pertwee’s stories were set … or not.

Her parents are based on Mars:
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/2049/benjamin.htm

Mmoloki also had a regular role in Grange Hill during the early-mid 1980s.
http://www.yoyo.org/pressgang/mailinglist/archive/9707/0118.html
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Tuesday 26th March

BBC1

02.15 When Louis Met Keith Harris And Orville In Panto
We’re wary of highlighting any programme in the craply-named Sign Zone because we noticed the other week that Fcuk Off John was replaced by something else at the last minute. Still, if you missed it, and can avoid getting distracted by wondering whatever happened to that bloke who looked like Richard Stilgoe who used to do the signing, then you might want to stick the tape on. And please make a note of the date, as the same time tomorrow are two episodes of DIY SOS.

BBC2

11.15 Gulliver’s Travels
How insincere can the CBBC presenters look linking into this? The Fleischer brothers (Out of the Inkwell, Betty Boop, old school muttering Popeye) abandon their usual black and white rubbery fun for a Disney-style feature. Too much rotoscoping, not enough self-vomiting skeletons.

19.05 TOTP2
Last week’s episodes started off really well with The Bodysnatchers and Jesus Loves You, which we haven’t seen for years, but then showed the same King Kurt clip they showed about three months ago. With virtually the same captions, too. No such problems this week, though – it’s a Robbie Williams Special. What chance ‘Freedom’, eh?

21.00 When Louis Met Max Clifford
Apparently Louis is crap now, but we’ve quite enjoyed this run. And tonight’s could well be the most intriguing of the lot, we reckon.

ITV

22.20 Bob Monkhous On Bob Monkhouse
Creamguide’s Pick Of The Week, we’re saying (we really need to commission a shiny graphic saying that), as this show promises to follow Sir Bob Of Monkhouse around and look back at his life, when the first big laugh came in at about four years, six months, eleven days and three hours. Let’s hope for the usual anecdotes, too, especially that hypnosis/nightclub one, which is our fave.

CHANNEL 5

06.30 Dappledown Farm

11.00 TJ Hooker
Actually we were looking at the C5 Advanced Programming Information sheet this week (we get it to line the litter tray of Creamguide’s pet cat) and we noticed that one day this week, this is a ‘choice’! That’s ridiculous!

Wednesday 27th March

BBC1

17.00 Blue Peter
And then nothing for a week. We thought this was supposed to be a rock in our lives!

23.35 Marathon Man
“Is it safe?” You should know by now, Larry! How cautious can an ex-Nazi be? Umpteenth screening of the Olivier/Hoffman acting contest of “farting runner” anecdote fame.

BBC2

13.10 Bill and Ben
Now we’re only getting the repeat, and on a different day too! Grrr.

13.30 Madame X
We had an ’80s version of this much-filmed stage melodrama last month. This ’60s take boasts Lana Turner, John ‘Dynasty’ Forsythe, Ricardo ‘Fantasy’ Montalban and Burgess ‘P N Gwynne’ Meredith. Still no sign of Superdyke Meets Madame X, though. Come on, BBC2! (Of course, http://tv.cream.org/images/alfcamp.png is still running.)

19.05 TOTP2
An Elton John special tonight, where he performs live in the studio, so we presume it’s just some offcuts from the special he did last year. Hasn’t this got lazy now it’s in peaktime?

19.30 Penelope Keith – Lady Of The Manor
Incidentally, Penelope Keith won that 1978 Best Entertainment Performance BAFTA, as we’d guessed, but oddly her acceptance speech was done via satellite, with no explanation whatsoever. Anyway, this profile has been on a million times, as has…

20.00 The Good Life
…and we really have run out of stuff to talk about here.

22.00 Attachments
It’ll be beating Survivor soon!

ITV

20.30 Stars And Their Doubles 2002
Bloody hell, ITV haven’t even had the grace to wait a year for the second of these shows, where Des O’Connor shows how wasted he is on this channel by giving awards to lookalikes. If you’ve got the Radio Times, can anyone work out who the person in the middle of the picture on page 102 is supposed to be? Ant McPartlin?

CHANNEL 4

13.30 Master of the World
Now here’s fun. Vincent Price dons a dodgy beard as Robur, Jules Verne’s less-celebrated airborne version of Captain Nemo, out cruising the skies in his all-paper propeller-heavy airship, reciting the bible through a megaphone and bombing stock footage of tall ships in a bid for world peace. Among the hapless, convict-jumpered hostages out to foil him are Charles Bronson, in a non-shite film for once in these listings. Vito Scotti provides more scarcely-needed comic relief as a hapless onboard French chef, there’s some of the least spectacular model work in the history of cinema, and, best of all, if you video the first ten minutes you get, for no real reason, a compendium of all that vintage ‘early flying machines that didn’t work’ footage, including the one with five sets of wings collapsing, the pumping-up-and-down-umbrella one, etc., making this an invaluable service of sorts. (This billing originally appeared on July 24th, 2001, and, as we’ve thought of nothing new to say about the film since then, here it is again. Enjoy.)

01.05 Network
Again, we’re often told how Peter Finch’s Oscar-winning turn in this should really be judged as a posthumous honour for his earlier films, as this media satire isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. “Oh, it’s easy to be cynical,” quoth the Enemy Mine-lauding japesters. Well, yes, but that’s partly the point, isn’t it, and it isn’t easy to be this entertaining at the same time. We’re not going to take this Network-bashing anymore!

CHANNEL 5

06.30 Dappledown Farm

11.00 TJ Hooker
Yet Brian doesn’t get mentioned in the press pack at all. Hang your heads in shame, C5. And show Alf’s Button Afloat while you’re at it.

15.35 The Rockford Files
Hurray! The original pilot, with Lindsay Wagner, Michael “fruity movie about suffering” Lerner and Bill ‘Lost in Space/Fishheads’ Mumy.

21.35 Ali G: Before He Was Massiv
We never want to hear this character’s bloody name again, but actually this profile might be alright because they won’t have licenced any clips so we won’t have to sit through them. But, of course, all we want to see is Sacha Baron Cohen doing F2F on Granada Talk TV, waving a book around to kill time.

Thursday 28th March

BBC1

23.35 Brubaker
Robert Redford single-handedly sorts out the prison system. Much as he did a few months ago when this was last shown. Try and make a better job of it this time, Bob. Start a glee club, or something. Oh, and it might possibly be followed by the last ever showing of the BBC1 balloon, fact fans.

ITV

22.30 Baddiel And Skinner Unplanned
Boo! It’s not even live anymore! Although, to be honest, we liked it last week partly because the audience’s excesses had been trimmed, and the five minutes of material they got out of it was really funny. But we don’t agree with them showing clips, as they did of the Catalan version, because technically that’s not ‘unplanned’, is it?

CHANNEL 4

13.55 The Mark of Zorro
’70s TV movie of the shirt-monogramming swashbuckler.

CHANNEL 5

06.30 Dappledown Farm

11.00 TJ Hooker

15.35 Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
A bewigged Miles “Graham Norton stooge” O’Keefe beheads unjolly green giant Sean Connery in this notorious “just a flesh wound” ’80s Arthurian dud, presumably fished out by Five for student laffs. Leigh ‘Travelling Man’ Lawson, Trevor ‘Henry Rawlinson’ Howard, Peter Cushing, David ‘Shades’ Rappaport, Ronald ‘Orrible ‘Arris off Porridge’ Lacey and Wilfrid Brambell all pick up the cheque and cross his effort off their CV.

Good Friday

BBC1

06.00 Everybody Up!
According to, er, our sources, today’s the day that BBC1 unveils their new horrible sounding ‘more in touch with people’s lives’ logo, and in the Creamguide Office we’re all going to come in early (yes, even on a bank holiday) and watch it launch, because we overslept on the morning they launched the last one and missed it.

13.20 Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo
Interesting choice, this, as, although The Love Bug’s always bleedin’ on at this time of year, we don’t think we’ve seen any of the ’70s Herbie films for ages. This is the one where Herbie falls in animatronic love with another car, and Roy Kinner’s in it. Up against more Disney on ITV.

22.30 Friday Night With Jonathan Ross
We don’t like the way Good Friday’s schedules are just cliched films during the day and the usual Friday rubbish in the evening – we want loads of LE bollocks. Anyway, and as you’ll probably be aware, there are shitloads of things wrong with this programme, but it’s suddenly started to look brilliant now it’s opposite the truly awful Does Doug Know? So it looks like you’ll have to watch it, worse luck. And the members of the “band” are still bloody changing every week as well, and we notice these things.

00.15 The Deadly Bees
First part of a “rubbish horror” double bill. Suzanna ‘Chiffy Kids’ Leigh retires from the pop business (backed by Ronnie Wood’s old band The Birds) to a health farm staffed by rival bee-keepers and Frank “Bouquet of Barbed Wire” Finlay. Could the bees be… deadly, you think? Bottom drawer Amicus fun.

01.45 The Horror of Frankenstein
Presumably postponed from three Fridays ago, so here’s yet another old billing – “Ralph ‘Dear John’ Bates deflects buxom wench Kate ‘Triangle’ O’Mara’s affections in order to bring Dave ‘Green Cross’ Prowse to clumsy life in this hopeless fag-end Hammer rehash, which will entertain no-one except fans of Creamguide running gags, as James “Mr. Tebbs, you know, the short-lived, toupeed Mr Grainger replacement off of Are You Being Served?” Hayter’s also present.”

BBC2

11.10 Easter Parade
Well, naturally. We’re all friends of Dorothy at this time of year.

14.35 Ben-Hur
Every year, this and El Cid get thrown into a bag for the Easter epic draw. This year, Charlton’s athletic remake is playing at home.

ITV

12.45 That Darn Cat!
ITV’s Hayley Mills/Roddy MacDowell Disney offering. “Not as much fun as it should be” – Radio Times. “Cracking theme tune by Bobby Darin, though!” – Andrew Collins.

15.20 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
James Mason pipes Kirk Douglas aboard. All very nice, but we’ll be watching our tape of Master of the World from Wednesday afternoon.

CHANNEL 4

07.00 The Big Breakfast
Well, you’ll be up to see the new BBC1 logo, won’t you? Unless it launches on Saturday, of course. Anyway, the whole country is about to rejoice at the ending of this programme, and this big final edition (three hours long!) will probably be the best show they’ve produced since about 1994. Apparently they’re trying to get Chris Evans back to present it, although “this must be approved by Channel Four”, for some reason. Wouldn’t have thought they could do much to stop them doing what the hell they like on the last day. The plan was also, it says here, for the house to implode at the end, which we’d have liked to have seen, as long as Mike McLean was in it at the time. Anyway, the first two years of this show were brilliant, the following eight were largely shite, and the replacement sounds so awful we may well be saying ‘That Paul Tonkinson wasn’t that bad, was he?’ in a month’s time. This is certainly worth a look anyway. You can sleep when Ben-Hur’s on.

12.55 The Legend Of Marilyn Monroe
This documentary was made in 1967, but has recently been updated. That new footage might be a bit jarring, perhaps? Then…

14.10 Niagara
Joseph Cotten and a pre-typecasting Marilyn are the original odd couple. Now, who’s up for digging out Scudda Hoo! Scudda Hey!?

CHANNEL 5

06.30 Dappledown Farm
You’ll have time to kill between the BBC1 globe and The Big Breakfast.

11.00 TJ Hooker

14.35 The Wrecking Crew
Last of Dean Martin’s Matt Helm espionage efforts. Sharon Tate and Elke Sommer are the Helm girls in this one.

23.35 Let’s Get Laid
Askwith’s farewell to the sexcom genre (until a sort of reprise was found in ITV’s Bottle Boys) was this WWII period romp, in which he plays Gordon Laid (cheers), wrongly tailed by the fuzz for murder, and paying a visit to good old Elstree film studios in Brief Encounter drag. Also wik – Graham ‘Simon’ Stark, Linda ‘Three Little Words’ Hayden, Tony ‘Kinvig’ Haygarth and Tony ‘Chopper Squad’ Hughes.

01.25 Mike’s Murder
Debra Winger’s tennis coach gets topped, but we’re more interested in a cameo from ex-Toni Basil squeeze Spazz Attack, whose briefly popular schtick was dancing to new wave hits… in a spazzy way. Plenty of opportunities here, as Chas ‘Blockheads’ Jankel, The B52s, The Tubes, Devo and, er, Joe Jackson all crop up on soundtrack duty.

04.00 Sons and Daughters
Always leaving the listings on a slightly flat note.

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DIGI-CREAMGUIDE
Which doesn’t do jokes about BBC4 having no viewers because we haven’t seen any viewing figures since the first night, they were about the same as BBC Knowledge anyway, all the opening night programmes were also on BBC2 where thousands more watched, and ITV2 got 700 (that’s seven *hundred*) viewers on it’s opening night and that was supposed to be a mainstream channel, while this is niche broadcasting. So there. It’s boring and pompous, yes, but that’s not the issue.

BBC CHOICE
Sunday-Tuesday, 21.00
Johnny Vaughan Tonight – Heh, last week we mentioned that the EPG description for this show included reference to a “Recommended Daily Allowance”, only to be told that it was smuggled in purposely by someone at TV Centre who really used to love The RDA. So well done for that. Now, any chance of smuggling “This show’s crap” on the EPG description for Jonathan Ross?

BBC4
Saturday, 20.35, Friday, 23.30
The DVD Collection
Saturday, 00.45
Apes In Hollywood – Besides, once they notice Maconie’s on twice in one night, they’ll be flocking to this channel.

Wednesday, 23.00, Thursday, 00.55
The First Z Cars – Playwright Joe McGrath died recently, and in trobute here’s the start of some obscure little police show which he directed. It’s no Mersey Beat though, is it?

E4
Friday, 22.00, 01.25
Top Ten Duets – Another repeat for this fairly entertaining edition which at last gives Esther and Abi Ofarim the recognition they deserve. But we cannot recommend it heartily as The Captain and Tennille are at number two, and we’ve never heard of them. It’s a scandal, it really is.

GRANADA PLUS
Saturday, 18.30
The Les Dawson Show – Incidentally, we have no idea what these are.

Sunday, 23.30
The Comedians – At least you know what you’re getting here.

ITV SPORT (if it’s still going, of course)
Wednesday, 22.00
The World Cup Years – After a short break we’ve reached Graphics-wise The Greatest Football Tournament Of All-Time (those fluttering flags!), and this should be a real treat as we’re slap bang in the middle of the Elton Welsby years. Let’s hope for; the dreadful ITV opening titles from that year, a synthed-up version of Verdi (we think) over which footballs form in space, bounce around the venues on a map of Italy and then into the Colisseum, over Minis, headed around by Michelangelo’s David etc; in Italy, Welsby missing every cue alongside Trevor Francis and Emlyn Hughes, with Nick Owen in London hosting phone polls on who should be Scotland’s keeper and getting punditry from Graham Taylor, Saint and Greavsie, the latter in his comedy T-shirt slogan phase (Holland v Germany: ‘VOLLEYS VERSUS VOLLER’; Italy v Austria: ‘NESSUN DORMA WHEN ITALY PLAY’); and, of course, Jack Charlton’s straight-faced analysis of Rijkaard’s spitting at Voller: “Apparently he spit on ‘im… and then he spit on ‘im again… if he’d have done that to me I’d ‘ave chinned ‘im.” How can this channel be going out of business with material like that?

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All times correct at time of writing and refer to England except where stated. All programmes subject to cancellation, shifting, and in at least one case, closure.
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WHERE IS THE F*CKING PORTLAND BILL THEME TUNE
That’s the sort of question that you can put to our panel of experts (ie, the general office-working public) on Ask The Family, the still-fairly-recently-returned TV Cream Message Board, found under the Long Shots button on http://tv.cream.org It’s also the location for the Creamguide Office Suggestion Box, where you can pull us up on errors and ask for explanations of some of our baffling in-jokes. On the front page of the site there’s also the bit to subscribe to The TV Cream Update – “a fortnightly newsletter with comment, jokes, and old TV schedules and pop charts” say the experts.
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PACK! – Chris Hughes, Ian Jones, Simon Tyers