How We Used To List: 11th-17th MAY 2002

Share

Tweet

Share

Share

Email

Comments

What we were watching this week 20 years ago, as recorded in the back-issues of TV Cream’s weekly ‘e-mag’, Creamguide…

(We still send out Creamguides every week via email. If you’d like to receive it – it’s free, there are no ads, we don’t sell on your address, you can unsubscribe whenever; we’re basically soppy like that – then fill in your details below.)

**************************************
TV CREAM TIMES
11th – 17th May 2002
**************************************
Art For ‘Em – Phil Norman, Graham Kibble-White
**************************************
CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS
Last week a typographical error meant that the name of Yorkshire Television came out as something quite different, and may have implied that it was a comment on their programming. We’d like to point out this was nothing other than lazy proof-reading, and we’d like to offer our sincere apologies to Yorkshite Television.
**************************************

Saturday 11th May

BBC2

10.00 Saturday Kitchen
Judging by the Radio Times, The Galloping Gourmet isn’t on this week, seemingly replaced by Rick Stein, but this goes in just in case. There’s also The Naked Chef, and of course if you’ve got an opinion about him we would of course love to hear it on Ask The Family.

12.00 The Phil Silvers Show
Did we get one of these after the snooker overran on Monday?

14.00 “The Swanson Film” (S*ns*t B**l*v*rd)
Postponed from April 13th, which must have annoyed the BBC’s film schedulers, as they endeavour to put this film on at the same time on a Saturday afternoon, as near to precisely once a year as possible (last seen April 14th 2001). No-one knows what arcane superstition this is due to, but we reckon this, coupled with the ravens/Tower-like departure of Nigel Horne, means something unpleasant’s set to occur at Television Centre in the next few weeks – maybe BBC3 will be turned down again, or an onion will fall on Gavyn Davies’ head.

00.25 Lady in the Lake
“As luck would have it, I found a book of matches.” Raymond Chandler detective noir filmed, “daringly”, entirely from main gumshoe Philip Marlowe’s first-person perspective – cue much “Ya know what happens to private dicks?” “Eyes!” punching-in-face action of the variety normally reserved for 3D films. Fans of Quake may be briefly entertained, but it gets mighty wearing after a while.

ITV

17.25 Lily Savage’s Blankety Blank
Looks like we got this wrong last week, as Robbie Savage was actually placed in front-middle. And that’s convinced us not to mention this programme here again. Interesting, though, how it’s considered less important than repeats of You’ve Been Framed.

21.10 Ant and Dec in a Tribute to the Likely Lads
Never mind the comments about this being a waste of time or an insult to the memory of the original series, the main problem for us is that it’s impossible today to have this situation, because if you’ve got all afternoon to go to churches and so on, you may as well just watch the England match live on Sky. Still, we like Ant and Dec, and this could be good fun, even though D*s Lyn*m’s in it.

CHANNEL 4

06.05 Ivor the Engine
Have we finally run out of Magic Roundabouts?

12.30 Little House On The Prairie
Followed by a brand new episode of King Of The Hill. Yeah, Seinfeld would’ve been treated much better on Channel Four, wouldn’t it?

23.05 Top Ten TV Queens Of Soap
As it turns out last week’s episode was fairly diverting, and definitely not just because the producer wrote to us taking issue with our unflattering write-up. Heh heh. Charlene off Neighbours is in this one too, which should be fun, although our criticisms about the show just featuring fictional characters still stand, and nobody’s going to persuade us otherwise. If you’re a TV producer and would like us to hype up your show, please write in, it makes us feel dead important.

02.15 The Big Heat
Glenn Ford and Lee Marvin star in Fritz Lang’s groundbreaking, hard-bitten Mafia noir, which paved the way for – oh look, it’s Detective LaGuardia off of Cagney and Lacey! Do you know, I think that was his first ever – what do you mean, the bloke from Sight and Sound’s said not to call back?

CHANNEL 5

16.45 Kylie Minogue Top Ten
Also in Creamguide’s postbag this week was a letter from one Chris Hughes, who writes “Fools! The video for Got To Be Certain was of course, Kylie perambulating along an Australian waterfront, in a coquettish fashion and, if memory serves, a terrible hat. And during the chorus, she was on a merry-go-round.” With a bit of luck, we’ll get to see that here, as well as the majestic Hand On Your Heart, in this countdown of the top videos as voted for by you. If you could be bothered.

19.45 Kylie Minogue: Spinning Around
Channel Five documentary speaks to subject shock! This may actually be a lot of fun, as there’s comments from Sir Peter Waterman and Jason Donovan, and – hooray! – clips of The Henderson Kids. “The BBC one where she was looking out of a car roof was the best video of the year.”

01.45 The Strangler
Undistinguished Boston Strangler drama with Victor “Man from Atlantis’ arch enemy” Buono and James B “Dougie Howser’s dad” Sikking.

05.35 Sons and Daughters
The misery continues as it’s now just a single showing on a Saturday to make way for, er, repeats of Hercules, for some reason.

Sunday 12th May

BBC1

13.35 Superman III
Awful, Hackman-less, camp third installment which never lived up to the Shreddies 3-D game cards that preceded it. Richard Pryor unwisely takes on the mantle of awkward computer genius coerced into oil tanker-emptying, missile-hijacking villainry by Robert Vaughan and his annoying sister. Small joy provided by a sizeable spot-’em, jot-’em British supporting cast – Pamela ‘I’m eating one of my teeth here’ Stephenson, Graham ‘And then this fireman comes along with an even bigger crane…’ Stark, Henry ‘Table-tapping weekend in Bognor’ Woolf, Gordon Rollings (complete with Arkwright flat cap), Bob Todd (not in a dress), unremembered music and mime act Justin Case, Sandra ‘I’ll be home in twenty minutes’ Dickinson and John ‘what are we going to do now?’ Bluthal.

17.30 Points of View
A viewer complains that Tel’s now employing extras to have walk-on parts on the programme, which is just not on. But we did have a good five minutes devoted to scheduling last week, and a nervous Beeb employee talking about it, so that was alright. Even though it should really be about nothing but.

21.00 Auf Wiedershen Pet
A TV Times-style “See TV Cream Heroes Weekly panel below” billing is something we’ve always wanted to do in Creamguide, and here it is.

22.55 Silkwood
It’s whistle-blowing time with whistle-blowing Meryl, and Cher’s here as well. If anyone’s got a full transcript of Under Silk Wood, the Dylan Thomas nuclear power parody from Miles ‘Instant Sunshine’ Kington’s old ‘Moreover…’ column in the Times, could they please send it c/o Creamguide, as there’s an insultingly tiny amount of cash resting on whether it was any good or not. Thanks. This has been a public self-service announcement.

BBC2

08.10 The Raccoons
A new series, it says here. Surely not!

11.20/12.10 Star Trek
Just the one episode up north, a double bill everywhere else. Not that it’ll stop either set of fans moaning.

CHANNEL 4

14.55 Fantastic Voyage
Donald ‘Perfectly’ Pleasance and Raquel ‘Legend of Walks Far Woman’ Welch are at cross purposes amongst the stringy antibodies in this inexplicably famous “don’t drop the scalpel” miniature psychedelic surgery trip. But never mind all that, we want to see the Filmation cartoon spinoff series again, complete with eyepatch-wearing ship’s captain and turban-wearing “master of mysterious powers” The Guru. “Time limit – twelve hours!”

05.55 The Magic Roundabout
The answer’s no, then.

CHANNEL 5

17.00 Innerspace
Oh, very clever, Channel 5. Just fifteen minutes after Fantastic Voyage ends on Four, your chance to see the annoying eighties parody of it, with Martin Short pumped full of Dennis Quaid. We’ve banged on about lousy scheduling before (Reader’s Voice: “Well, duh!”), but this is taking the piss. Even a carrot-eating Chuck Jones cameo and a soundtrack of Berlin, Wang Chung and (yes!) Narada Michael Walden won’t placate us on this one.

Monday 13th May

BBC1

17.00 Blue Peter
Future Cream material looks at actual Cream material today, with a feature on the history of video games. Spot on!

19.30 4×4 Reports
This is supposedly the Beeb’s flagship popular current affairs series, but even those of us who think Panorama should have been axed years ago (to be replaced by a proper hour long show at 9pm, rather than just clinging on in a shit slot because nobody’s got the nerve to do anything about it) can see that it’s a bit tacky. Still, this week the subject is exams, and filing the reports are Emma B (groo) but also Johnny Ball! Hopefully providing us with “one of the tales… of Maths and Legends!”

23.35 Saturn 3
The main source of mirth with this being, of course, Martin Amis’ notorious dabbling in sci-fi scripting. Not sure if he was aping his dad on this one (who was more a ghost story man really, although our investigations into lost Republic movie serial Kingsley Of The Rocket Men remain inconclusive), but the results speak – stiltedly – for themselves. Farrah ‘something for the dads’ Fawcett and Kirk ‘something for the grandmothers’ Douglas farm that soya stuff those Usborne books told us we’d all be eating all the time by now, play unconvincing minimalist chess and go jogging in gossamer leisurewear until Harvey Keitel turns up with top-heavy brain-in-tank tin-squeezing behemoth Hector, and man vs machine fun ensues. At least, it does if you play Creamguide’s patented Spot Ed ‘UFO’ Bishop game. Wheel and peditate!

BBC2

13.20 The Password is Courage
Dirk Bogarde and Corrie’s Alan Bradley predate McQueen and co. with this strikingly similar great escape adventure. Why not drop Creamguide a line and tell us which Corrie stars you’d choose for an all-Weatherfield remake of TGE? Eddie Yates as the Cooler King and Fred Elliot as Donald Pleasance’s forger are shoo-ins, obviously, but what about Gordon Jackson’s character? Reg Holdsworth? And the Nazis – surely you couldn’t beat Ena Sharples for Colonel von Luger? Unless of course, you know better.

22.00 The Day Today
Unfortunately this is being billed as, more or less, The Alan Partridge Show, worse luck, because there’s much, much more to this than one character. But hey, it hasn’t been repeated on terrestrial telly since 1995, and it’s officially the best comedy programme of the last decade, so apes, ivories and peacocks to BBC2 for putting it out again. And it’s funnier than what follows it on Channel Four…

ITV

17.05 Never Had It So Good
We’ve not seen this yet, although given it’s written by Richard Easter we’re probably not missing much. Maconie’s on again, on Tuesday, and other guests to look out for include Barry McGuigan (today), Christopher Timothy (Wednesday) and Emlyn Hughes (Thursday). But also today – Sally Gunnel!?

CHANNEL 4

06.00 Ivor The Engine

09.00 Bewitched
No I Dream Of Jeannie this week, so Larry Hagman may finally go a week this year without appearing on television.

13.20 Little House On The Prairie
Grr, don’t start this again. You *do not* have series running on both weekend and weekday afternoons at the same time.

22.30 Brass Eye Special
Yes, it’s *that* one. Kudos to Channel Four for showing it, of course, and now showing it again, and everybody’s who’s slagged it off without watching it is of course a complete and utter idiot, but (whispers) it’s not actually that funny, is it?

01.25 The Night of The Hunter
Morally-knuckled Robert Mitchum probes Shelley ‘Poseidon’ Winters’ kids over the whereabouts of Peter ‘Airplane’ Graves’ ill-gotten gains in this justly-lauded expressionist nightmare.

CHANNEL 5

11.00 TJ Hooker
Phil Asquith wrote to TV Cream this week to ask “Sorry if i am wrong but i could not find a mention of T.J.Hooker. Surely that should be in there!” We don’t think so, Phil.

**************************************
TV CREAM HEROES WEEKLY
Back With The “Boy” Again

#14 PAT ROACH as seen on AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET, Sunday 21.00, BBC1

Very few – if any – of our TV Cream Heroes can claim to have held the British and European Heavyweight Championships in wrestling, and had James Bond’s piss thrown in their eyes (“what, from over here?”). But Pat Roach can boast both. More than that, Roach appeared in the first film TVCHW can recall seeing at the cinema – THE SPACEMAN AND KING ARTHUR (it was in a double-bill with DUMBO, and we kind of remembered the name as “King Arthur and the Spaceman” actually).

In a career that spans the normally mutually exclusive worlds of wrestling and acting (although there is always Hulk Hogan, and of course Big Daddy did do some *presenting*) Roach was originally advised that he should go to America to find his fortune. He discarded that advice, however, stating “I love my roots!” We commend him therefore for his patriotism and that exclamation-mark. Roach once wrestled on the same bill as Giant Haystacks and The British Bulldog Davey “Boy” Smith (why the “boy” is in inverted commas, we’re not sure) and, yes, we are getting all this info off the one website.

“Pat Roach recommends USANA nutritional supplements.”

On the telly he’s been duffed-up/did duff-up Dennis Waterman in MINDER, and appeared with Punt and Dennis (and remember Punt’s already featured as a “TV Cream Hero” in the Radio Cream Times non-licensed TV Cream Heroes (sic) “feature”) in THE IMAGINATIVELY TITLED PUNT AND DENNIS SHOW. He’s done some fine work in various Robin Hood type things (although we don’t think that is “Christian Slater [Will Scarlett] and Michael McShane [Friar Tuck]” here: http://www.patroach.co.uk/images/pat2.jpg) plus he’s been in HEARTBEAT.

Of course we’re skirting around Roach’s greatest ever role for obvious comic effect. That role sees Roach illustrating how friendship and hard graft can really result in something special. Yes, Pat is the proprietor of the Pat Roach Fitness Centre, Gravelly Manor, 34 Gravelly Hill North, Erdington, Birmingham. Phone Pat on 0121 686 6889.

WE LIKE IT WHERE IT SAYS “HELLO PAT ROACH HERE”: http://www.patroach.co.uk/

“BOMBER SAYS” SAYS BOMBER: http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/pet/bomber.shtml

**************************************
THE BATTLE OF BRITTON

Voting has now closed on Creamguide’s special “Battle of Britton” Fern Britton portrait contest. We’re delighted to announce that 116 votes were logged in total, with a good spread across all four pictures. In short, we’re saying it wasn’t a fix. The pictures are still available for your viewing pleasure at http://tv.cream.org/creamguide.

So, how did you vote?

With 21 votes (18.1%) was Picture 4 entitled “Art portraits under tricky conditions (e.g. from freeze-framed video footage).” This was drawn by Ian The Artist, more of whose work can be found at www.ianardo.com. As this picture polled relatively poorly, Creamguide now feels it can justifiably refer to it as a “poor quality” depiction of Fern Britton. We’re hopeful that Ian The Artist will agree that we’ve gone to great lengths to legitimise that statement.

Coming in with 23 votes (19.83%) was Picture 1 entitled “Pensive Fern”. Many had this down as the favourite, rumoured to be the preferred illustration here in TVC Towers and over at Channel 4 Interactive… mainly because it was drawn by the TVCHW sub. Still it all goes to show that we “understand” pictures and funny and clever and what’s a legitimate nostalgic query (“Anyone remember Count Me In?”) rather than a plain wrong nostalgic query (“What was the programme with the talking aspidistra plant in it?”) better than you do. Yes – we’re angry!

Congratulations to Picture 3: “I Cannot Draw Fern Britton” for its score of 35 votes (30.17%) votes. For a long time this was lagging behind in third place. Nevertheless a late (and may we say suspicious) surge brought the work of Scott Wills up into second place. Our TVCHW sub spent an hour drawing his Fern. Does it look like Scott did? Honestly!

Finally we salute the winning portrait of Fern Britton, “The Ferna Lisa”. With its total of 37 votes (31.9%) Creamguide is happy to acknowledge this exceptional piece of work for its wit, its craft and its inclusion of the TV-am eggcups. Drawn by popular TV personality Jill Phythian we can now reveal to Jill that TV Cream’s Steve Berry is at this very moment trying to contact you physically to advise you of your prize. And after trying to kiss your cheeks under the pretence that he’s just being “media” Steve will be telling you that – yes! – your picture will be going forward to the TV Cream factory where – yes! – it will be made into a TVC wallpaper! Congratulations, Jill! Dreams *can* come true.

**************************************

Tuesday 14th May

BBC2

13.15 To Dorothy, a Son
More from the extra-curricular Carry On set. Peter Rogers wrote this comedy wherein heiress Shelley Winters stands to lose all to her ex-husbands unborn son. Sims and Hawtrey get a look in, as do old dependables Wilfrid Hyde-White, Nicholas Parsons, Alfie Bass and Joan Hickson.

19.05 TOTP2
A fairly unappealing line-up this week of Beverly Craven, Fairground Attraction and Ce Ce Peniston makes the show sound like what we would imagine Sarah Greene’s record collection to consist of. But there’s also New Musik.

ITV

22.20 England’s World Cup Showdowns
“Kaiser Franz has not got a herr out of place.” So we underestimated ITV Sport then, as last week’s programme (which was seemingly renamed straight after the Radio Times went to press) started with the 1986 ITV Sport logo and the original title sequence, and then went on to use Aztec Gold as the theme tune and feature a load of contemporary punditry. So this series is recommended rather more than it was last week, although given it’s 1990, please be warned there should be heavy Greavsie content. And it’s not as good as The Big Match Replayed, which last week was from 1976 and gave us an “exclusive” look at what happens in the Crystal Palace dressing room before a match – basically they, er, all sit around. But of course it’s been replaced this week by hours of three-day-old Grand Prix.

CHANNEL 4

09.00 Bewitched

22.00 Sex On TV
Yes! Last week’s programme finally revealed the identity of The Dirtiest Programme Mary Whitehouse Had Seen For A Long Time, and it turned out to be the long-forgotten BBC Scotland sketch show Between The Lines with Fulton Mackay and Tom Conti. For telling us that, we’re giving this series the thumbs up, and this week it looks at the Red Triangle. Hope for clips of Themroc.

CHANNEL 5

11.00 TJ Hooker
We’re not including The A-Team either.

Wednesday 15th May

BBC1

17.00 Blue Peter
Matt tells us how to make an assault course for our Posable Action Figures, and thus automatically becomes Creamguide’s Pick Of The Week.

19.30 This Is Your Life
Those whinging about Claire Sweeney being the subject last week may like to remember that on The Unforgettable Richard Beckinsale a few years back there were clips of his appearance, and he was only in his early thirties when he died, so they’ve always done that sort of thing. Although it was better when they had the huge picture on the back of the set (did the photo developers have to sign the Official Secrets Act?), we must admit. And this is its fifth consecutive show in a different slot to the week before, for Christ’s sake.

BBC2

13.15 The Square Peg
We figured Two’s perennial Norman Wisdom season would be repeating on us sooner or later. Here he’s a council navvy impersonating the Hun, with Honor Blackman, Hattie Jacques, Brian ‘Boy Who Turned Yellow’ Worth, Terence ‘Bergerac’ Alexander, Frank ‘Your Reverence’ Williams and Oliver Reed.

19.05 TOTP2
A better line-up today, and we reckon if you only watch one Pops 2 a week, make it a Wednesday one – as could be seen by last week’s appearance by Quantum Jump, with the world’s most self-conscious lead singer. Hence, Heaven 17 and – at last! – Voice of the Beehive.

CHANNEL 4

09.00 Bewitched

01.00 Vault of Horror
It’s sub-Dead of Night portmanteau chills from our good friends at Amicus Films with this quintet of variable horror tales narrated from a trapped lift (yep, this is the film most closely – yet still hopelessly – pastiched in Coogan’s Dr Terrible). Mike ‘Randall’ Pratt gets mixed up with rural vampires, tidiness obsessive Terry-Thomas cross-dresses and gets smacked about, Curd Jurgens gets a little too interested in one of the 50 Greatest Magic Tricks, Geoffrey Davies and Robin Nedwell do their ‘Doctor’ schtick in a graveyard, and, best of all, Tom Baker does his ‘Doctor’ schtick as a ripped-off voodoo artist. Also in dreams – Denholm Elliott, Terence Alexander, Arthur Mullard and – just where have *you* been, young lady? – Marianne Stone.

05.55 The Clangers

CHANNEL 5

11.00 TJ Hooker

Thursday 16th May

BBC2

01.50 What Have The Seventies Ever Done For Us?
We think the OU programmes on Saturday and Sundays are a thing of the past now, although to be honest we went off them when they stopped running on until the middle of the afternoon, followed by Mahabharat. The small hours slot should be continuing, we think, or expect a lot of Bilko.

ITV

22.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned
Last week Frank did his anecdote about pissing himself while wearing an Alex Harvey-style hooped T-shirt which he’d already done in the first series. You don’t mean to tell us the secretaries are purely there for decorative purposes, do you? Better was David’s anecdote about his gran being convinced that Dave’s dad knew James Burke because they were both scientists, which absolutely nobody laughed at.

CHANNEL 4

09.00 Bewitched

10.45 Cricket: First Test
This is not the pick, but of we get rain there’s every chance we’ll get old episodes of Fifteen to One and Countdown amongst the other rubbish flung on, although presumably the Countdown will be a 45-minute edition, which we don’t really like, to be honest. Sorry to have to break that to you.

21.00 Football Stories
We’re back in hastily-compiled clip show territory for this series now, as it presents its Rulebreakers XI, which sounds to us very similar to the two Bad Boys episodes they’ve already done. Still, Francis Lee’s in it, so Gerald Sinstadt might be.

00.40 Death Race 2000
Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine run over people for points in this tinpot action comedy which is neither as hilarious as your mate who was the first one at school to get a video recorder maintained, nor as satirically valid as your student flatmate who never let you near his video recorder argued. Paul Bartel did better in (the original) Cannonball, for our money.

05.50 The Clangers

CHANNEL 5

11.00 TJ Hooker

14.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford
Opening the cubby-hole entitled The David Jacobs Collection this afternoon, although seemingly he’s just going to be asked about Eurovision which he commentated on, we dunno, once? Tom Fleming did it on the telly in the 70s once, too, y’know. Imagine that.

Friday 17th May

BBC1

14.10 Doctors
RT only do cast lists for this programme on Thursdays and Fridays now, so if there’s anyone Creamy in it the rest of the week, then they’ll have to go unbilled here. Something for you to sort out there, Liz Vercoe. Anyway, Sir Ted Robbins is in today.

21.30 Blackadder II
Have we mentioned how much we’re enjoying the current series of Alistair McGowan, by the way? If only as they seem to have cut down on the amount of sketches seemingly based on the Radio Times letters page, a la “Why does nobody in EastEnders watch Coronation Street?” and so on. And we respect any programme that includes an impression of Kate Sanderson. Not that it’s got anything to do with this, mind.

BBC2

01.25 Melvin and Howard
Jason ‘Closed Doors’ Robards is Howard Hughes, leaving huge tracts of land to Paul ‘Lonesome Dove’ Le Mat. Period set by a Crazy Horse, Credence and Coniff soundtrack.

CHANNEL 4

06.00 Ivor The Engine

09.00 Bewitched

01.45 Blood Simple
Welcome return of the first Coen body-disposal opus. Another three reruns of this and we may discover what the hell’s meant to be going on.

CHANNEL 5

11.00 TJ Hooker

15.40 The Return of Marcus Whelby, MD
“The freedom to schedule endless TV movie rehashes of old ’70s US shows during weekday afternoons… that sort of power would put me up among the gods!” – Rupert Murdoch, yesterday.

05.10 Sons and Daughters
Actually while everybody’s talking about Murdoch buying Five, it seems to have only surfaced because now he could if he wanted to, hasn’t it?

**************************************
DIGI-CREAMGUIDE
We love logos, y’know.

BBC4
Monday, 21.00, 00.30
The Game Of Their Lives – Four are having an Association Football season, of which the highlight appears to be this film about North Korea’s 1966 World Cup campaign, including interviews with the surviving players. Frank Bough commentated on those matches, y’know. “What’s going on here?”

Tuesday, 23.55
The Witness – Looks like this is the thing that was scheduled for BBC2 last Wednesday night, but given the football slightly overran they may not have shown it. In any case, it’s Norris McWhirter talking about the first Four Minute Mile, and we’ve often pondered on the odd nature of actually having Norris on Record Breakers because he’s certainly not a child-friendly figure, is he? It’d be like a kids’ football series having the editor of Rothmans Football Yearbook on as a regular, wouldn’t it? If you see what we mean.

E4
Friday, 22.00, 01.30
Top Ten Duets – These episodes come around so often you know full well what we’re going to say about each one. Of course, here, it’s the fact that Captain and Tenille are at number two, which is just not on, but there’s some good stuff here too, specifically the story of Esther and Abi Ofarim.

GRANADA PLUS
Saturday, 18.30, 00.00
The Kenny Everett Video Show – This channel’s great again, because this is the sort of thing we really want to see again. Now if they brought back the repeats of Our Backyard they used to show when it started, then we wouldn’t watch any other channel ever again.

Saturday, Sunday, 23.30, Monday-Friday, 19.30, 23.00
Bullseye – Coronation Street’d better brace itself for a massive drop in audience, and Graham Norton can just give up right now.

PARAMOUNT
Saturday, 23.55, Sunday, 01.30
Harry Hill – A channel debut, if we’re not mistaken, so what it’s doing on at this time, God only knows. Presumably paying tribute to Channel Four’s perennially “creative” scheduling of this series.

Sunday, 00.05, Friday, 23.55
A Bit Of Fry and Laurie – “Now *that* is putting coppers back on the beat.”

Monday-Thursday, 23.30
The Kenny Everett Television Show – Presumably we’ve already missed the Toyah parody, which is a shame, because it’s the funniest thing in the world.

SKY ONE
Sunday, 20.00
Pop Years – This was originally scheduled for months ago, but for some reason never went out. It’s produced by Ric Blaxill, worse luck, but even he can’t make a mess of a retrospective of 1990, surely? Let’s all hope for Candy Flip, obviously.

***************************************
All times (and titles) correct at time of writing, and refer to England except where stated. But you knew that.
***************************************
WHAT IS HOT METAL, I ONLY KNOW MTV HEADBANGERS BALL
If you’re a producer after a positive write-up, or alternatively would like to complain about the shameful selling-out of Creamguide, then post your opinions on the Creamguide Office section of Ask The Family, the TV Cream Message Board. That’s also the place to post reminisces about what you used to have for tea, how much you’d like to punch Jamie Oliver, or even, perish the thought, something to do with TV Cream. Click Long Shots on http://tv.cream.org , and subscribe to the TV Cream Update too for your chance to see the Ferna Lisa in all its glory.
***************************************
Madam Secretary Of State – Chris Hughes, Ian Jones, Simon Tyers