TV Cream


Band on the Run: where are they now?

"Jailor man" and "Sailor Sam" not pictured

You can’t have nearly failed to notice that Paul McCartney’s almost-greatest-ever solo album* has been rereleased in a satire-inviting plethora of formats. However here at TVC, Macca’s efforts have invited a completely different question altogether: namely, whatever happened to those individuals comprising the titular, cover-gracing “band”? Did this 1973 album boost, puncture, muddle or simply do nothing whatsoever to their respective fortunes? Can anyone almost remember these funny faces?


Michael Parkinson: did he mention he's got a new book out?WHO? Journalist, grumpy bastard and north country nit, two years into his life as a BBC1 Saturday night bookend and one year after bragging in Cosmopolitan about having the snip.
COVER POSE Finger-pointing, appropriately.
WHAT HAPPENED? Eight years of talking (as a journalist) to Miss Piggy and Emu, before penning kids books about The Woofits and getting possessed by a ghost. Quit his chat show in 2007 in order to moan about how there were no more chat shows on television.


Next stop: Treasure Hunt celebrity specialWHO? 60s Song For Europe crooner; once shared a bill with the Fabs and a billing with Charles Hawtrey in Carry On Loving.
COVER POSE Dissembling, while trying to nick Clement Freud’s jacket.
WHAT HAPPENED? Endless charity cricket matches with fellow “band” member Parky; semi-permanent residence in one of Bob’s squares; a songwriting partnership with white nationalist and future UKIP nabob Buster Mottram.


All he needs is a pint a dayWHO? The best drummer in The Beatles.
COVER POSE Properly startled. In fact, the most realistic of the assorted non-running band. Extra points for grabbing Parky’s jacket with a commendable lack of respect.
WHAT HAPPENED? Seven years of silly love songs before getting stuck inside four walls sent inside for funny cigarettes. Thought of giving it all away to a registered charity. Didn’t. Had loads of ace hits. Invented the Beatles all over again.


A fistful of face furnitureWHO? Grizzled American small screen star turned grizzled Irish terrorist spaghetti western superstar (A Fistful of Dynamite in 1971).
WHAT HAPPENED? Film career continued largely untroubled, save for an interlude writing songs with Lynsey “Rock Bottom” De Paul and appearances in Sister Act (the sequel) and Young Guns (ditto).


Please make it stopWHO? The lugubrious one off Just A Minute. Also MP, chef, raconteur, columnist, journalist, broadcaster, brother of Lucian, grandson of Sigmund, and sidekick to assorted commercial television bloodhounds.
COVER POSE I don’t know what’s going on here but I wish it would stop.
WHAT HAPPENED? As above, plus British Rail sandwich consultant and father-in-law of the bloke who wrote Notting Hill. Should have lived forever.


Cook of the houseWHO? Mrs Macca. Did not help break up The Beatles like Mrs Lennon. “Co-writer” of Band On The Run (no laughing at the back).
COVER POSE *thinks* “I’ve learned to sing, play piano, rear pigs and hate Yoko, but this?” *sighs*.
WHAT HAPPENED? Continued to “write” with her husband. Sang lead vocals on ‘Cook of the House’ on 1976 album Wings At The Speed Of Sound. Did not sing lead vocals again.


An apple a day keeps the, er...WHO? Dracula, the Mummy, Rasputin, Sherlock Holmes, Frankenstein’s monster, Jekyll and Hyde.
COVER POSE Bloodthirsty.
WHAT HAPPENED? Killed Edward Woodward in order to bring back his apples. Attempted to kill Roger Moore with his powerful weapon. Failed. Played Count Duckula in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.


Royalties not picturedWHO? Moody Blue. Once shared a bill with The Jimi Hendrix Experience. Now sharing a bunk in Macca’s barn. Permanent Wing.
COVER POSE Looking in the wrong direction.
WHAT HAPPENED? Co-wrote Mull Of Kintyre. Became millionaire. Sold co-publishing rights to Mull Of Kintyre. Went bankrupt. Sang own version of ‘Band on the Run’ for album erroneously titled Denny Laine Sings the Hits of the Moody Blues.


"What yer doin later, Linda?"WHO? Boxer, carouser, family friend of the McCartneys.
COVER POSE Belligerent crouch.
WHAT HAPPENED? Became most famous boxer, carouser and family friend of the McCartneys in Britain. Superstars champion of 1974. Third place in The Weakest Link in 2009.

*The greatest being, naturally, Tug of War.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Great Bustard

    November 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    If they’d been a real band, what kind of noise would they have made? Or would they have sensibly left that side of things to Paul and sounded a lot like Wings? Think of the videos!

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