Posts Tagged With 'Mystical flummery'

TV Cream’s Royal Wedding Album, vol. 3

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Gwen Taylor and Princess Diana take their seats for the great day

So, after 1973 and 1981, to the third and final helping from our knapsack of nuptials.

This time it’s back to 1986 and yet another doomed union. Yes, who’d have thought that within the space of a year, Frank Bough and Selina Scott had gone their separate ways and would never appear together on screen again.

At least they managed longer than Andy and Fergie, who’d stopped talking within the week.

THE WARM-UP

The BBC unfurls the banners with the impressive sounding THE ROYAL WEDDING: LONDON PREPARES the night before, with all the usuals – Frank, Selina, Glyn Worsnip plus Mike Smith and Sally Magnusson – present and correct. Andrew Gardner’s back yet again for ITV, but this time with just a 15 minute round-up of “news”, and even that has to be shared with a peaky-looking Sarah Kennedy before…

A ROYAL TALK-IN?

Oh yes. Titled A ROYAL ROMANCE on ITV, it’s Andrew G’s second stab at playing relay with his BBC rival, who this time comes in the shape of Sue Lawley. The Beeb show it at exactly the same time, 7pm, but call it THE ROYAL WEDDING: ANDREW AND SARAH just in case you’d forgotten.

ORDER OF SERVICE

Thanks to the coming of breakfast television, BBC1 now has no qualms about opening up at the bleary hour of 6.15am and running uninterrupted with their simply-titled THE ROYAL WEDDING all the way through to 1.30pm. Then it’s NEWS AFTER NOON, the film LIVING FREE and, at 3.30pm, THE ROYAL WEDDING: HONEYMOON DEPARTURE. ITV conspire to wake up at precisely the same time, but with a TV-am: ROYAL WEDDING SPECIAL. At 9.25am the switch is thrown and the whole network judders into THE ROYAL WEDDING until 1.30pm. After the news and HERBIE RIDES AGAIN it’s the boringly-titled HONEYMOON DEPARTURE at 4pm, followed by another GIVE US A CLUE SPECIAL, which is at least a step up from last time round by also being the show’s 150th edition.

Permission to climb on board!THE TEAM SHEET

It’s the Beeb’s best ever showing: Frank, Selina, David Dimbleby, Valerie Singleton, John Stapleton, Mike Smith and Sally Magnusson, plus – no doubt getting in the mood via some festive apparel – Francis Wilson, Sue Carpenter and Bob Wilson. By contrast ITV roll out, yet again, Andrew, Alastair, Ronald and Sarah Kennedy, though the presence of TV-am mean Anne Diamond, Nick Owen, Gyles Brandreth and Gordon Honeycombe are also in on the act.

YOUR CHOICE OF VIEWING

BBC2 can’t be arsed, flinging out PLAY SCHOOL at 10.30am, Asian magazine GHARBAR at 10.50, THE PHYSICS OF MATTER at 1.35pm, CHOCK-A-BLOCK at 2pm and that’s it. Channel 4 don’t even show up until 2.15pm, and that’s with THEIR LORDSHIPS’ HOUSE and a typically arch bit of scheduling from Jeremy Isaacs, the film QUIET WEDDING.

DRESS TALK

The Beeb’s offering of fashion editor Sophie Hicks is utterly trumped by the folk at TV-am who have already spent the best part of the last year talking about Sarah’s dress and the whole of the past three years talking about the Royals. Despite the presence of Vogue fashion editor Drusilla Beyfus, Anne and Nick are in their element, chattering about Sarah’s outfit, the outfit of all the visiting dignitaries, and the outfit of Gyles Brandreth.

JOINING US FOR THIS VERY SPECIAL OCCASION…

Nigel Dempster gives us a “chance to meet the alternative Sarah and Andrew” by revealing the winner of the TV-am Royal Lookalike Competition; Godfrey Talbot recalls the first wedding he ever attended 190 years ago.

HORSE PLAY

None whatsoever. Neither bride nor groom being that way inclined, there’s a distinct absence of pony palaver. Martyn Lewis is hanging with the Household Cavalry, though.

WATCHING ALL THIS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

is the complete population of the Falkland Islands, including “Prince Andrew’s many friends”, brought to order by a breezy Guy Michelmore.

THE FOLKS BACK HOME

Sarah’s village of Dummer in Hampshire boasts the celebrated presence of Valerie Singleton *and* John Stapleton, who are on the beat throughout the day and pop up in a special slot expertly titled ‘Dummer Delighted’. ITN’s Anne Leuchars does the same job for the other side.

OUR FRIENDS IN THE MILITARY

John Mountford is aboard Andrew’s sometimes stamping ground HMS Brazen. The Prince’s former commanding officer in the Falklands, the spectacularly named Ralph Wyes-Sneyd, has – of course – been snaffled by TV-am.

INTERESTING PEOPLE WITH A STORY TO TELL

Given Mike Smith is wielding the stick mike in The Mall, there are invariably many dozens of them, but all are instantly forgettable. Conveniently for us.

WHIMSY WATCH

Alastair Stewart is back in the Goodyear blimp. Frank introduces ‘The Abbey Awakes’, a behind the scenes peek at the life of the eponymous establishment’s one vacuum cleaner.

A TOM FLEMING FLANNEL FACTOR OF…

3/10. There’s no Tom for a start, his place usurped by David Dimbleby. There’s also a conscious limit on the all-round swagger and bluster, instead majoring on the cheap (the entire TV-am output) and the cheerful (Frank and co). Plus the presence of Sarah Kennedy means there’s loads of indiscreet gossiping, which is just downright irritating. But above all, where’s Wogan? His usual show will turn up later at 7pm, but they surely missed a trick not having him exchanging banter with wedding guests on a raised plinth in Trafalgar Square.

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TV Cream’s Royal Wedding Album, vol. 2

Posted in Cream over Britain by TV Cream | No Comments »

"Hats...so exciting!"

You can always trust the typing pool. Just days after we’d mentioned how TV Cream’s very own Peg and Kathleen were already hunkered down on the Mall, news of some impending regal nuptials duly arrived.

We’re not saying that TVC has its fingers on the pulse of the royal court (not least because there hasn’t been a pulse since 1688). Nor do Peg and Kathleen know someone who danced with the man who danced with the girl who danced with the Prince of Wales.

Instead, call it secretarial intuition. Plus the fact Kathleen once stepped out with the bloke who designed all those DIY periscopes that everyone used during Charles and Di’s wedding.

Speaking of which…

THE WARM-UP

As if to compensate for last time round, both the BBC and ITV push the boat out. There’s a NATIONWIDE special the night before, with Frank Bough on top of a tall building like a weathercock and all the gang hyping things up no end, including Richard Kershaw talking to kids in the playgroup where Diana used to work. A couple of hours later come the fireworks, brilliantly billed by ITV as THE ROYAL FIREWORKS AND NEWS to keep Alastair Burnet happy. Raymond Baxter covers the sparklers for the Beeb (“The Queen and twenty craned heads from other lands…bonfire built by Boy Skates”), Andrew Gardner and Selina Scott for ITV. Elsewhere A PRINCE FOR OUR TIME on BBC1 explains that: “Prince Charles is Colonel of ten regiments.”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3neF05kUUak

A ROYAL TALK-IN?

Absolutely. HRH THE PRINCE OF WALES AND LADY DIANA SPENCER IN CONVERSATION WITH ANGELA RIPPON AND ANDREW GARDNER lasts only slightly longer than its title, and once more goes out on both BBC1 and ITV at the same time. “The four participants demonstrated various methods of looking uncomfortable in canvas safari chairs with high arm-rests.” – C. James

ORDER OF SERVICE

After clearing its throat with TOM AND JERRY and BUGS BUNNY, the Beeb’s day begins at 7.45am with the bluntly titled THE DAY BEGINS. Coverage winds on through the morning, segueing into the perfunctorily titled CARRIAGE PROCESSIONS AND MARRIAGE SERVICE. A break between 1.45 and 3.30pm makes room for the news and a wildlife programme, before a NATIONWIDE special, cursorily titled HONEYMOON DEPARTURE, runs up to 5.5pm and DISNEY TIME SPECIAL with Penelope Keith. ITV has the one programme called THE ROYAL WEDDING from 7.30am to 1.45pm, then it’s the film HIGH SOCIETY until 3.45 and, yes, HONEYMOON DEPARTURE. A “special Royal Wedding Day edition” of GIVE US A CLUE follows at 5pm that is in no way different from any other edition.

THE TEAM SHEET

The Beeb is distinctly underwhelming. Angela Rippon and Michael Wood are at TV Centre, Eric Robson, John Craven and Gillian Miles are mingling, and Tom Fleming is mithering. We have to wait until 3.30pm for the real deal: Frank, Sue L., Hugh Scully and Richard K. hosting a wedding party in the ‘WIDE studio.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvh48aRgRlM

It’s ITV who wield the really big guns: Andrew Gardner, Selina Scott, Alastair Burnet (now firmly ensconced back on the third channel), Ronald Allison, Peter Sissons, Jon Snow, Judith Chalmers, Leonard Parkin, Carol Barnes, Sandy Gall, Martyn Lewis… a suitably imperial line-up.

YOUR CHOICE OF VIEWING

Sod all. BBC2 opts for the same thing with subtitles (“so that viewers who are hard of hearing will not have to miss information and commentary”), though instead of the NATIONWIDE special there’s GLORIOUS GOODWOOD and PLAY SCHOOL.

DRESS TALK

Non-stop. Leonard Parkin is at it from the off: “She’s just peeped out of her window…the famous hairstyle…the Dress is in there.” Angie hastily follows suit – “We’ll be speculating on The Dress” – but it’s ITV who bag the Dressmakers and have Judith Chalmers to shout “That Dress, The Dress – I’m looking forward to it.” Eve Pollard tells Angie it will be a “Cinderella dress – real fairy-tale.” “Only two hours to wait now before we see That Dress,” rasps Andrew. “Ivory pure silk taffeta,” shrieks Eve when Diana is finally glimpsed. “Isn’t it a fairy tale?” shouts Judith.

JOINING US FOR THIS VERY SPECIAL OCCASION…

Nancy Reagan is very much looking forward to the wedding – “I certainly am. Isn’t everybody?”; Arthur Askey tells some jokes; Joe Loss and his Orchestra play a few of Frank’s favourite rumbas; Barbara Cartland tells Andrew, “What I believe in, of course, is Romance.”

The Queen Mother mingles with her subjectsHORSE PLAY

Even more than before. Alastair is seen booming, “Sir, what makes you play polo?” to which Charles replies, “I happen to enjoy horse activities because I like the horse.” “There’s Princess Anne,” continues Alastair, “who’s of course a tremendous expert on horses – she is a real expert on horses if ever there was one.” Sandy Gall reviews the mounted troops at Hyde Park Barracks. Tom Fleming observes, “Queen Elizabeth, like Prince Charles, loves horses,” besides once again demonstrating his Dr Doolittle credentials: “These bay horses look hale and hearty…and so, slowly, these horses find their way home.”

WATCHING ALL THIS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

is everybody on the entire planet. NBC have bagged the best spots all along the route, according to a pissed off Frank, leaving the second best spots to the Japanese. “So exciting!”

THE FOLKS BACK HOME

Donny MacLeod gets under the feet of groundstaff at Balmoral Castle. Ian Wooldridge pokes his nose into Gordonstoun, Charles’s old school, before linking a montage of the Prince’s “sporting career”.

OUR FRIENDS IN THE MILITARY

All leave has been cancelled: the Red Devils jump into Caernarvon Castle, the Red Arrows fly down The Mall and Kay Alexander jaws with the crew of Charles’s sometime berth, HMS Bronington.

INTERESTING PEOPLE WITH A STORY TO TELL

Some good-natured buskers with hearts of gold; someone from Fuji TV has trouble saying “Royaroo famiree”.

WHIMSY WATCH

Herbie, an ostensibly notorious waiter from the restaurant Costello’s, relates an incomprehensible tale involving the previous Prince of Wales. “Zer banquet turned out to be a castastrophe for myself – zer soup went all over his leg, which he had to go inner zer barseroom and have it removed.” “Do you have a message for the present Prince of Wales?” “A present?” “No, a message.” “God bless zer Royal Family.” Meanwhile Alastair Stewart bags the seat in the Goodyear blimp.

A TOM FLEMING FLANNEL FACTOR OF…

10/10. “Once upon a time…” “What you will see now is no fairy story, but the story of two very real young people.” “Hats,” he says, as the screen fills with hats. As the bridal carriage passes St. Clements, he waxes about “the bells that say orange and lemons.” “Throw a handful of good wishes after them,” he closes.

Anne Diamond's breakfast reading

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TV Cream’s Royal Wedding Album, vol. 1

Posted in Cream over Britain by TV Cream | 4 Comments »

Sarah Kennedy and Janice Long, yesterday

Meet Peg and Kathleen, from the TV Cream Towers typing pool.

They’ve heard there’s to be a rather special announcement from the Palace during the next few weeks, and they’re taking no chances.

That’s right: the pair have already taken up position on the Mall and are busy toasting the happy couple with a warming brew from their Union Jack flask. Well done Peg and Kathleen!

As they continue their stout vigil between now and Christmas, we’ll be dipping into our ottoman of listings-related paperwork to see how TV and radio covered Royal Weddings of the past.

These were shamelessly lavish spectacles indeed, with a famous TV face posted every fifty yards along the procession route, battles over which side got to go in the Goodyear blimp, and Radio Times souvenir editions with illustrated maps, family trees and hymn sheets.

First up, back to the heady, strike-bound chill of November 1973 and the nuptials of Princess Anne and Mark Phillips.

THE WARM-UP

Disappointingly low key, as if neither the Beeb nor ITV had worked out how to do this sort of thing yet. It’s left to THE FROST SHOW to set the mood, with Dave chairing a lazy discussion on whether it’s all a big fuss about nothing and Angus Maude MP repeatedly telling him he’s wrong.

A ROYAL TALK-IN?

Most certainly. Setting a trend, the couple-to-be grant a minutely choreographed joint audience to Andrew Gardner (ITN) and Alastair Burnet (BBC) which goes out two days before the ceremony on both channels at the same time, and with the pair of hosts painstakingly divvying up the questions. “Are you looking forward to the day?” requests Andrew of Anne. “And are you looking forward to the day?” continues Alastair to Mark. “It was a mercy when an embarrassing point was abandoned so that a fatuous one might be taken up,” says Clive James.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZ9XGRZLAgg

ORDER OF SERVICE

Both channels kick off at 8am, the earliest either have ventured into breakfast time since the previous year’s Olympics. Given the fact the country was shortly to discover it had only two weeks of coal left, however, both bugger off around lunchtime.

THE TEAM SHEET

Alastair Burnet heads up a BBC first-eleven peopled by trusted NATIONWIDE regulars (Valerie Singleton, Bob Wellings, Fyfe Robertson) plus Cliff Michelmore, Michele Brown and tons of others. ITV’s Andrew Gardner struggles, having to multi-skill as both anchor and commentator. Where’s Reginald Bosanquet?

YOUR CHOICE OF VIEWING

There isn’t any. It’s the first TV royal wedding, dammit!

"Horses"DRESS TALK

Fair. Val specialises in the speculation, spending the first hour promising a glimpse of what the dress might look like, the passing the next two hours promising a glimpse of what the dress will actually look like. Far more effusive is the debate on what to expect by way of headgear, Janey Ironside being roped in to deliver a commentary on the pedigree of hats on display both in and outside Westminster Abbey.

JOINING US FOR THIS VERY SPECIAL OCCASION…

Some Miss World contestants, including Miss Australia (“I think, erm, it must be a nerve-racking experience for both of them”) and Miss Belgium (“I oper we will be seeing it on Belgian television”); author of 500 books Ursula Bloom; and a Japanese tourist (“Wedding! Japan!”)

HORSE PLAY

There’s fulsome foal-talk from start to finish, thanks to the happy couple having first spied each other across a crowded paddock. Alison Oliver, Anne’s trainer, testifies to the atmosphere before a big event being “quite tense”. Michele Brown interrogates a young girl as to whether Anne has too many privileges. “Yes.” “What privileges?” “Horses.” When the Household Cavalry hoves into view, grandmaster of the lip mike Tom Fleming intones: “For a bride and groom who have an interest in horses, this must be a thrilling sight.” Later, when the bridal coach pulls up back at Buckingham Palace, Tom supernaturally observes: “I’m sure those horses know that they’re home.”

WATCHING ALL THIS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

is, aside from the population of Australia and, we oper, Belgium, nobody. There are no live link-ups with British colonies the other side of the globe, because it’s too expensive.

THE FOLKS BACK HOME

Cliff Michelmore talks to some bell-ringers in Mark’s village, Great Somerford, who think the 5,000 peals planned for the Abbey is piss-easy. They aim to double it. “You’re gonna doublet?” roars Cliff jovially, “I doan believe ya!”

OUR FRIENDS IN THE MILITARY

Mark’s tank crew is interviewed by Bob Wellings. “Is he, is he, does he, is he… popular?” “Yes.”

INTERESTING PEOPLE WITH A STORY TO TELL

A female spectator has been to 10,000 weddings. A girl thinks Anne is three feet tall.

WHIMSY WATCH

The Beeb show a montage of official wedding photos to the strains of When I’m 64. An astrologer proclaims that Mark’s perceived public image of dullness is wrong because “Leo and Virgo have complementary strengths.” Pete Murray tries to get record requests from the waiting throng.

A TOM FLEMING FLANNEL FACTOR OF…

7/10. A shot of Buckingham Palace elicits the observation: “Here is the bride’s home.” George VI’s statue prompts the reflection “perhaps he’s there in spirit.” “A few weeks ago,” the man ruminates as Mark’s mum and dad turn up, “people might have said, who are *they*?”

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Timeslip

Posted in T is for... by TV Cream | 2 Comments »

TATTY HALF-ARSED low budget DR WHO for kids that ran for six months non-stop then never came back. Two oiks with time-travelling capabilities – something to do with stepping in and out of bubbles – aided grown-ups in past and future world-threatening ecological escapades, including, on more than one occasion, themselves (surely breaking the Rules Of Time?). Unappealing leads were SPENCER BANKS (Simon Randall) and CHERYL BURFIELD (Liz Skinner), the former a Nerdy Boffin, the latter a Screaming Wimp. Blessed with six-episode bracketing titles like The Time Of The Ice Box and The Day Of The Clone. Quite good fun, but only if you were eight years old.

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Sky

Posted in S is for... by TV Cream | 1 Comment »

DAVID BOWIE’S COKE-ADDLED mid ’70s phase influenced many areas of popular culture, though perhaps the most unexpected change was wrought on the medium of independent children’s science fiction telly, which took one look at the thin, dead-eyed Dame with the otherworldly messiah complex and thought, “We’re having some of that!” Roger Price got there first, half-inching Lord Gnome’s Nietzchean concept of the ‘homo superior’ and lashing it to the back of his DOCTOR WHO-baiting intergalactic teenage runaround THE TOMORROW PEOPLE. But Who scribes Bob Baker and Dave Martin, they of the increasingly weird Tom Baker adventures, went one better, and served up CITV’s very own Boy Who Fell to Earth.

Played by the chiselled MARC HARRISON, Sky would cinch Look-In dreamboat status were it not for his flour-whitened countenance and solid blue eyeballs. Sky’s tale of telepathy, future catastrophe and untameable forces of nature was complex, nebulous and doubtless proved beyond most kids’ grasp. It’s one of those children’s dramas that wears its research on its sleeve, filling long and earnest chats between the obtuse Sky and his reluctant underage west country wards (including RICHARD ‘TOMORROW PEOPLE’ SPEIGHT) with references aplenty to Gaia theory, the Green Man legend and good old Stone’enge. For the more impatient child, these acted as a cue to switch over and see what jumper John Craven was wearing this week. But for others, the weirdly hypnotic Harrison and quietly effective building atmosphere of dread kept them glued.

All the elements of a classic children’s spookathon are present and correct: rural unease, a creepy thin man, impenetrable jargon, those stuffy adults just not getting it, a disturbing lack of obvious heroes and villains, and standing stones aplenty.  The various plot elements – the slowly dawning nature of the catastrophe and the closing in of Sky’s equally mysterious rival, the sinister Goodchild – don’t so much coalesce as stick together like veteran humbugs, but even when sense deserts the screen, atmospherics are firmly in view. The gloomy British countryside is milked for all its eerie worth, and even when Harrison’s doing nothing more than being imprisoned indoors feeling pale and wan, he exudes intimidating charisma by the skipful.

Special effects were kept as minimal as Sky’s spaced out dialogue (the title sequence featuring Sky materialising out of a swirling pile of forest detritus was as efficient as it was simple – the good old ‘turn on the leaf blower and run the film backwards’ ploy), and the odd period relic aside (Sky was truly the boy with the bluescreen eyes) the only dated element is the omnipresent soundtrack combination of tentative solo oboe and plinky-plonky xylophone to signify suspense. For a mindbending encore, Baker and Martin went on to create KING OF THE CASTLE, an even more claustrophobically deranged slice of thoughtful underage fantasy.

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Dungeons and Dragons

Posted in D is for... by TV Cream | 9 Comments »

"But don't you see? Working together is so much better than working apart!" "Piss off!"CONVOLUTED CRAPOLA cartoonery designed to cash in on top early eighties “quiet” children’s pursuit. Selection of dreary yank kids go on a “magical roller coaster ride” and end up in fantasy (read – dull, cliche-ridden) land of orcs, goblins and “Venger – the force of evil.” Step up “Ranger” (blond twatty leader, real name Hank); “Cavalier” (wanky “coward” bloke, called Eric); “Presto” (comedy nerd magician, name “Magician”); “Bobby” (hateful child with club, aka “Barbarian”); “Acrobat” (or Diane, token black woman) plus miniature unicorn for “I’m going back to save him!” factor. There was another lady, Sheila, who was Bobby’s big sister. She could turn invisible by pulling the hood of her cloak over her head; her handle was “Thief”, Midget Dungeon Master was the gnomic overseer. Five minutes in, all children in the country were registered “outdoors”.

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HR Pufnstuf

Posted in H is for... by TV Cream | 2 Comments »

Stuf happensJACK WILD is Jimmy, owner of golden talking flute named Freddie much sought after by freaky gorgon Witchiepoo BILLIE HAYES. To obtain said musical device Mrs. Witch lures Jimmy to watery lair of Living Island, only to see him rescued by eponymous nice big friendly dragon mayor. Disney-esque action/animated musical adventures follow, involving Pufnstuf’s gang Judy the Frog, Cling and Clang, Ludicrous Lion and Dr Blinky, plus Witchiepoo’s cronies: horrible yellow arachnid Seymour, green clawed-bird Orson and dippy Stupid Bat. As usual, baddies had best scene-stealing gadgets i.e. the Vroom Broom and CCTV-prototype Image Machine.

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Mysterious Cities of Gold

Posted in M is for... by TV Cream | 10 Comments »

Stars of the new BBC1 sketch show Three Of A Kind pose for photographersYET ANOTHER Spanish speciality served up over here in something like one thousand parts, each as impenetrable and incomprehensible as the next, but somehow strangely addictive – thanks not least to the enthusiastic patronage of one Philip Schofield, culminating in off-camera nationwide singalongs of the closing theme. Plot seemed to revolve around explorer’s son Esteban travelling through various South American jungles “in search…of Eldorado!” and meeting girl Zia, lunatic native boy Tau, parrots, evil mercantiles, mystical statues, bits of necklaces that fitted together and a spaceship (“the golden Condor!”) en route. Animation and dubbing up to usual BRB standards, i.e. shit.

You might also want to see... Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds.

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He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Posted in H is for... by TV Cream | 13 Comments »

Old Man Steptoe finds his slippers are missing - *again*PISH TOY-FLOGGING sword and sorcery cartoon. In “Eternia” blonde tosspot Prince Adam holds aloft his magic sword, says “By the power of Greyskull!” (half-arsed castle nearby) and turns into He-Man, shirtless Anna Wintour-bobbed preening oaf in strange man-bra-like support singlet. He’s accompanied in his hazily realised evil thwarting by stupid green tiger Cringer, who, while essaying a crap impression of the cowardly lion off of The Wizard of Oz, turns into “Battlecat”, a collision between an off-colour tiger and a Kawasaki motorbike, emitting the MGM lion’s trademark roar at distressingly regular intervals.

Mustachioed games teacher Man-At-Arms and floaty, faceless midget Orco joined their eternal (in the worst sense) battle against Kenneth Williams-voiced, confusingly buff bag of bones Skeletor and his army of hastily-drawn gimmick-ridden cronies. Tedious sub-Kalkitos transfer D&D swashbuckling, replete with obligatory moral message at the end (“be friends”, “share stuff!, “don’t be a cunt”).

Animation rarely reached the lofty heights of “will this do?”, most often settling for a combination of stationary head-plus-wobbly mouth exposition, or suspiciously side-on, traced-from-those-old-Edweard-Muybridge-Victorian-photographs running cycles. “I have the power”… to fill the schedules with ambition-starved macho pantomime cack. If fantasy is supposed to be the dominion of the untrammelled human imagination, how come so much of this sort of stuff all seemed the bloody same?

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Omega Factor, The

Posted in O is for... by TV Cream | No Comments »

"And Omega, don't forget Omega!"CHIEFLY REMEMBERED for having starred LOUISE “DICKIE DAVIES HAIR” JAMESON fresh from DR WHO as leather-clad inarticulate Leela, this BBC psychic drama revolved around JAMES HAZELDINE, who played a journalist sent to cover a story about a clairvoyant. Unwittingly he begins to display signs of his own psychic power and comes to the attention of an obscure govt department called Department 7, set up to study the paranormal, in the shape of Jameson, JOHN CARLISLE and the intriguingly named BROWN DERBY. Lots of “Can I trust the government? Are they doing experiments on me or being my friends?” paranoia ensues, with rather silly stories all shot on video with loads of over-the-top synth music and sound effects.

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Tales of the Unexpected

Posted in T is for... by TV Cream | 4 Comments »
"A drop of something loaded with macabre significance, m'lady?" Joan prepares to *unexpectedly* put her head through a piece of modern art

THE ONLY thing unexpected about them being, of course, the identity of the uber-celebrity playing the part of the doomed protagonist this week. And then it was usually JOAN COLLINS. ROALD DAHL personally introduced the early series of these self-penned sting-in-tale half hours, but that was after you’d had to sit through the dodgy silhouetted woman dancing in flames, the tarot cards, the spinning revolver, the roulette wheel, some skulls and anything vaguely sinister-looking. Highlights from a decade’s worth of expected deception:

- Royal Jelly where TIMOTHY WEST fed the stuff to his son until he started to turn into a bee.

- That one where a bloke’s widow keeps his brain and one eye alive in a tank so he can watch her shagging another bloke.

- That one where a practical joker dies suffocating in a room.

- The Sound Machine: A bloke invents an ultrasonic hearing device, and discovers the screams of plants whenever they’re pruned, leading the ubiquitous pained outburst: “The plants…they’re intelligent and defenceless…every time we uproot one, they scream in agony and we are oblivious to their misery…oh god…in farms across the world, whenever a combine harvester cuts the wheat – thousands of voices – screaming! Screaming for their lives! (buries hands in face) Oh my god!!”

- First one ever: A professional gambler bets with people that he could light his lighter ten times in a row, starting with the old man’s Jaguar as prize but moving to the loser’s fingers. Blah blah blah and then, come the end scene, the prof. gambler’s wife holds her hand out with the car keys in it and half her little finger is missing. Ripped off by Tarantino for his part of the rubbish and now thankfully forgotten Four Rooms film.

- Georgy Porgy: A vicar who wakes up one morning to find he’s irresistable to women. The coffee morning takes on an air of erotic menace as hitherto indifferent women rub up against him. He’s even seduced on a river bank by, of course, JOAN COLLINS.

- Lamb To The Slaughter: The one where this woman (SUSAN GEORGE) murders her husband by clubbing him with a frozen leg of lamb. When the cops turn up (under the aegis of ex-Z Carser BRIAN BLESSED) she makes them a nice roast dinner with the evidence

- Skin: The one about this tramp with a tattooed back who gets looked after by this bloke (DEREK “I, CLAVDIVS” JACOBI) who then tops him for the artwork.

- The Krait: Some bloke living in India, gets hold of a deadly Krait snake, but loses it. Final shot is him going for the sherry decanter, and getting slow painful death in the wrist courtesy of the Krait…

- The one where this surgeon places a key underneath the mattress of an X-Ray machine when this bloke he obviously doesn’t like goes for a scan. Outline of key pops up on scan result, bloke gets cut up to remove key, no key there, goes for scan again, surgeon puts key under mattress again, bloke gets cut up again…etc etc. Comes to a sticky end for surgeon who shits himself when police come around and swallows the key.

- JOAN COLLINS as rich-bitch wife, pissing all and sundry off at a garden party, only to get her head stuck in massive modern art sculpture construction, in front of all the guests. Browbeaten butler takes great delight in being told by his master to fetch an axe to cut his wife out of said expensive bit of art (without damaging the sculpture), and subsequently decapitates Joan with great relish.

- A pair of poncey wine connoisseurs and spouses meet up to drink an ancient bottle of wine that is priceless – the holy grail of wines by all accounts. But what’s this? Wine Connoisseur #1 knows that Wine Connoisseur #2 is a) having an affair with his wife and b) affected by a heart condition. Connoisseur #1 bigs up the bottle of wine and how good it is going to taste before promptly changing his mind, as it’s “probably gone a bit off” and proceeds to pour it on the carpet in front of horrified wine loving onlookers. Connoisseur 2 drops dead on the spot from a fatal coronary, after a prolonged bout of red faced blustering disbelief.

- JOAN COLLINS (yet again) is the pretty sister, PAULINE “LIVER BIRDS” COLLINS is the dumpy one. Joan is cheating on her husband, JOHN ALDERTON (of course), whom Pauline is also in love with. Joan gets caught. Joan and Pauline then cook up a scheme that has Joan dressing in a white dress, taking pills, Pauline finding her in time and her husband taking her back in sympathy. When Joan takes pills, however, Pauline posts the suicide letter and lets Joan die, marrying the bloke herself.

- Pretty girl and artist get miserable old fat French woman drunk and pretend that they painted her nude. Blackmail her. Get money and take off, but they were having her on all along. Much histrionics from miserable old fat French woman in big car driving around Paris, or some such continental overseas filmed extravaganza.

- Bloke ditches wife JENNIE LINDEN for second wife SUZANNE DANIELLE, but she’s a gold digger, shoots her, disposes of evidence, but leaves proof of guilt in easily found suitcase. First wife changes her mind on the remarriage.

- The one where a con artist cum antique dealer turns up at a farm and persuades the yokels there that the Queen Anne desk (or similar item) that they’ve got in their kitchen, covered with old sacks and chicken shit, is of no value in itself but the legs are quite nice and he’ll give them a (pathetically low) “good price” for the desk to take it off their hands. When he comes back with the van, the yokels, glad to be of help, have sawn the legs off the desk and present them to him.

- Young man looks for digs, finds an apparently perfect place, run by a sweet little old lady who has her pets stuffed once they’ve shuffled off their mortal coils. Turns out that her previous lodgers have never left, and are upstairs in their rooms, sitting up in bed, also in a state of taxidermic perfection.

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Raven

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ALL YOUR usual HTV nonsense – mystical legends, wind-swept hillsides, Merlin-esque menace, kids with ill-kempt hair, ecological prattling – get nicked by LEW GRADE for ATV and done on the cheap on a video camera. PHIL DANIELS was your eponymous ex-Borstal tyke of the “tough but vulnerable” school, who gets adopted by Seymour off of LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE and his wife PATSY ROWLANDS. Together they try and save some caves which the Nasty Government wants to fill with nuclear waste.

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Robin of Sherwood

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NOTTINGHAMSHIRE NONNIER jazzed up with “mystical” overtones. To wit, Rob’s now the son of Herne the Hunter and is played by long-haired softly-spoken MICHAEL PRAED, prone to disappearing into glades and dwells in a swirl of mist and Clannad. Later regenerated into JASON CONNERY and turned crap.

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Phoenix and the Carpet, The

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YET ANOTHER case of rampant Nesbitism on the part of the BBC classic serials department, this time involving four regulation-issue Posh Victorian Kids who find an egg in an old carpet and, naturally, lob it into the fireplace to grow a mythical bird. Rotten CSO had titular flying rug singularly failing to so much as rustle in the wind. GARY RUSSELL was in it, with arms-flapping still very much at blueprint stage (see THE FAMOUS FIVE and LOOK AND READ).

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Brave New World

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HUXLEY GOES disco for this naffo US remake which is more Stud than soma. KEIR “DAISY, DAISY” DULLEA and BUD “BREWSTER MCCLOUD” CORT did the Alpha Delta bit.

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Penda’s Fen

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PLAY FOR TODAY spin off. Teenage kid priest’s son goes through the usual rites of passage in the Malvern Hills and invokes an old local pagan spirit, with all the sexual and political connotations that “aim high” writer DAVID “ARTEMIS 81″ RUDKIN could bung in. Also featured SPENCER “TIMESLIP” BANKS and IAN HOGG.

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Children of the Dog Star

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NEW ZEALAND export about a Tearaway Girl (NB: UK kids dramas = Posh Kids; US kids dramas = Sassy Kids; Australasian kids dramas = Tearaway Kids) who discovers a 7000-year-old spaceship from the Dogstar, which starts to control her mind. Also threw in Maori legends, land rite issues, and usual “ambiguous” ending.

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Changes, The

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SUPREMELY PREPOSTEROUS supernatural kids twaddle concerning an ancient mystical force which could bring modern life to a standstill. As was typical in the 70s, those at the centre of the mayhem were a bunch of Unlikable Posh Children. Begins with whole country suffering a power cut (topical) and population decamping to France. One of the posh kids gets separated from her family and falls in with some Sikhs (topical). Lots of sci-fi quackery ensues including bollocks involving a stone called the Necromancer, Merlin and some hippies. Everything back to normal at the end, of course.

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Pardon My Genie

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A HAPLESS young tyke going by the name of Hal Adden (do you see?) played by ELLIS JONES is cheerily polishing his watering cans when out pops HUGH PADDICK. The genie, for it is he, turns out to be 4000 years old with a bad back and, inevitably, a penchant for pissing up his spells. All of which spells a lot of bother for Hal’s boss in the hardware shop Mr Cobbledick (ROY BARRACLOUGH), not least when Hugh regenerates into ARTHUR WHITE for the second series. Kids fare that did the business, from the pen of BOB “RENTAWRITER” BLOCK. Stunning last episode found the genie running amok in – hooray! – Thames Television, raising the hackles of EAMONN ANDREWS, TONY BASTABLE, WENDY CRAIG, DICKIE DAVIES, JACK SMETHURST, WILILAMS MERVYN, SUSAN STRANKS and, er, PUFF THE PONY.

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Carrie’s War

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UBIQUITOUS SCHOOL reading homework, here condensed into more agreeable half hour portions, charting exploits (or lack of them) of titular evacuee and brother Nick forced to move from Adolf-menaced London to old woman-menaced Welsh hamlet called (is someone laughing at the back?) Druid’s Bottom. Lots of grizzled and grim pensioners abound. One is called Mrs Gotobed. Another is Mr Sandwich. Children frustrated by vaguely sinister rules like only using the stairs once a day for fear of wearing out the carpet. Threat of something other-worldly never far away. Old skull knocking around suggest at least one present is a witch. Not a lot happened, but at the time it was the most expensive kids drama the Beeb had ever done and pretty much set the bar for everything that followed.

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