Posts Tagged With 'Glynis Barber'

Jane

Posted in J is for... by TV Cream | 7 Comments »

Misguided schedule filling attempt to combine wartime nostalgia with nascent video technology which probably doesn’t figure too prominently on GLYNIS BARBER’s CV. The future Makepeace, yet to break out of the ‘bit of fluff’ phase of her career, played the hapless heroine (press kit cliché number one) of the eponymous Daily Mirror cartoon strip, who kept the British end up in its darkest hour (press kit cliché number two) by scampering about for a couple of panels in a frilly negligée, and… er, that was it. Kickstarting the much loved but frankly inexplicable tradition of aimlessly naughty newspaper cartoons, it was Axa without the dense cosmic symbolism, George and Lynne minus the coruscating wit. Nevertheless, in a few short years it became a national institution. Well, there was a war on.

In 1982, there was another war on, and with a wave of jingoistic ‘forty years on’ WWII nostalgia subsequently rippling through the media, it sounded like a bit of a wheeze to run off a little tribute to Jane in the form of a semi-live action recreation of the strip, with captions, panels and on-screen sound effects to boot. So NEIL INNES was hired to pen a wistful crooning paean to “the forces’ favourite”, veteran announcer BOB DANVERS-WALKER provided authentic period narration, and Barber was chosen as a suitably decorative leading lady (press kit cliché number three). The stage was set for a dose of risqué ribaldry with lashings of olde worlde charm (press kit clichés numbers four through six inclusive).

When things got underway, however, it quickly became clear how slight the source material was, even for five ten minute chunks. There’d be a bit of espionage intrigue in a chateau somewhere, Barber would somehow get her clothes torn off and run about a bit in her scanties until the reliable stooge likes of ROBIN BAILEY, MAX WALL or BOB TODD would happen to come through the door, cop an eyeful, and drop their monocles in randy astonishment to the sound of a violin emulating a wolf whistle. It was all good innocent saucy fun!

Or, to put it another way, it was rather dull and vaguely creepy. And not helped by the chosen method of rendering those cartoony backgrounds – or, to be fair, pretty much the only method available at the time – the venerable Colour Separation Overlay. Yep, hairdos buzzed with blueish electricity, rogue shadows fizzled round Glynis’s high heels, and the retinas of the viewing public screamed out for Optrex, or at least ten minutes staring at the wood chip to recover.

At least the background palette was restricted to suitable subdued wartime beiges and browns, leaving the end product slightly more watchable than such eye-watering Day-Glo affairs as CAPTAIN ZEP and JOHN LENNON: A JOURNEY IN THE LIFE. This didn’t mean it was anything other than a sterling technical achievement by the standards of the time. It was highly skilled, painstaking work (from a team led by STEVE ‘TRIPODS’ DREWETT), but never in the history of BBC visual effects had so many laboured for so long to produce something so unimpressive.

Still, it fared reasonably enough in the no man’s land of early evening BBC2 to warrant a sequel, Jane in the Desert, being quietly slipped out with a polite cough two years later, with a more audacious colour palette and a rather more accomplished way of mixing the actors and backgrounds. Then the whole thing was brought to a furtive close, with all concerned agreeing that some nostalgic whimsies are best left as faded sepia-tinted memories. For all of three years, after which JASPER CARROTT and friends turned the damn thing into a feature film, with even more calamitous results. “Oh Colonel, really!”

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Night and Day

Posted in Time Capsule by TV Cream | No Comments »

ALBION MARKET…with attitude! Stoic attempt to make ITV look all upmarket and posh and pretend that its viewers are aching for a soap opera that crosses TRAINER with SO HAUNT ME. Spoiler: They weren’t. Bonkers plot wouldn’t have looked out of place on MICHAEL WINNER’S TRUE CRIMES. Cross-section of every race, creed and colour lives on a street in Greenwich. They all have humdrum lives, except they don’t, because they all have Hidden Secrets, and when a girl who looks like Sandra Dickinson goes missing, all the Hidden Secrets begin to spew out. One side of the road is occupied, a la STELLA STREET, by a battery of fading faces: Angie off of THREE UP, TWO DOWN, Dorien from BIRDS OF A FEATHER, Sergeant Harriet Makepeace, Dr Who Paul McGann’s brother, one of the prossies on BAND OF GOLD, one half of HE'S PASQUALE, I'M WALSH, and Mike Gambit. On t’other side of street live the Beautiful People, including half the future cast of HOLLYOAKS. They meet in the middle. Much sauciness over the sun-dried tomatoes ensues. As does murder, mistaken identity, mystical visions, a visit from a time-stopping stranger like that bloke off HEROES, and SHANE RICHIE. Originally aired three times a week at teatime, with a fussily-titled “adult” omnibus, NIGHT AND DAY: THE REMIX, once a week after the News at Ten. REMIX subtitle was ditched after just one week. Teatime episodes soon went the same way. Weekly omnibus then slid further back in the schedule until that hallowed must-watch hour of 1am. Final episode fast forwarded four years for no good reason other than to reveal that the girl who went missing on day one had now become – well of course! – a ghost!

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Terror

Posted in T is for... by TV Cream | 1 Comment »

Norman J Warren. The no-budget exploitation mogul has particular significance, as his oeuvre marks the exact point where the Right Kind of Horror ends and the wrong kind begins. We can just about take the confused eye-skewering meanderings of Satan’s Slave, but the rest we prefer to leave on the side of the plate. He did rubbish Alien rip-off Inseminoid, and here’s his rubbish Suspiria rip-off to shelve alongside it. In this post-Evil Dead world, we’re meant to love this sort of heroic, shoestring-budgeted, director’s-mates-at-the-weekend ultra cheapo fare, but watch most of them and you soon start to weary of championing the underdog. Poverty on its own is not a virtue, to quote the Duke of Westminster. Unless you love badly-acted, no-budget, plotless haunted house gorefests with no style, humour or any redeeming features whatsoever, we say don’t bother. Glynis Barber and Dr Who’s Ben Jackson vie for the dubious honour of Person You May Have Heard Of, there’s a famed scene where a bloke gets attacked by 900 feet of cine film that isn’t that good when you finally see it, Makepeace gets impaled on a tree, some old cars come to life, fly about and run over a copper, and there’s plenty of that cheapo horror signifier, green and magenta gels on all the lights.

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Dempsey and Makepeace

Posted in D is for... by TV Cream | 2 Comments »
Enigmatic establishing shot by the Thames? Check! Heated exchange of pan-Atlantic point-scoring? Check!

“A GOLDEN EAGLE Production for London Weekend Television” Ah dear. That ace theme couldn’t paper over the flakiness of this one-eye-on-flogging-it-to-the-Yanks effort, wherein New York cop MICHAEL BRANDON teams up with landed gentry LADY GLYNIS BARBER to fight crime on the bonechilling streets of Bloomsbury. Scouse boss Gordon Spikings (RAY SMITH) always acted like he didn’t give a shit.

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