Posts Tagged With 'Diana Dors'

Thriller

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A SUPERLATIVE anthology of hour-long suspenseful playlets about well-tailored middle class types methodically doing each other in, THRILLER was a textbook example of straightforward, unpretentious telly drama doing its job to perfection. Mastermind BRIAN CLEMENS conceived and wrote most of the six series: forty three stories of suspense and horror, sometimes with supernatural overtones, often with an American guest star on the books for export purposes, always with plenty of plot twists.

The pre-title sequences were reassuringly formulaic, setting the tone for each week’s dose of macabre happenings in, more often than not, a superficially cosy remote provincial setting.. A charming cottage was seen being cased by a sinister type in a Gabardine coat, or maybe a flashy TR7 would pull into the driveway of a well-appointed country house, arousing the suspicions of the gardener. Something was clearly afoot. Then came the credits, a blood-tinged fish-eye lens title sequence with jarring musical chords, signalling ‘suspense’ in no uncertain terms. Corny episode titles belied the finely-tooled drama they would herald. ‘The Eyes Have It’ was a case in point: a daft pun introducing a largely silent, almost unbearably suspenseful tale of blind medical students (including DENNIS WATERMAN and SINEAD CUSACK) thwarting PETER VAUGHAN’s gang of taciturn terrorists. Elsewhere, the likes of ‘Murder in Mind’ and ‘K is for Killing’ served up exactly what they promised, and needless to say, if Clemens could bodge up a title by working the word ‘scream’ into a well-known expression, he did.

Primark Hitchcock it might have been, but the suspense was well-made for all that. Essentially, the series toyed with clichés. Young married couple freshly moved into mysterious rural location, stranger turning up who may not be all he seems, unidentified killer on the loose etc. It was the masterly variations and wrong-footings wrought from these familiar scenarios that made the programmes riveting, even when acting and production values started to exhibit the tell-tale signs of mid-series sag. Quite often, however, there were great performances, both from name actors (witness DIANA DORS’s sinister country nurse, ‘taking care’ of a bed-ridden American diplomat’s daughter in ‘Nurse Will Make It Better’) and those yet to find fame, particularly one that stops everyone in their tracks, HELEN MIRREN as the potential victim (or – ahem – is she?) of serial wife-knobbler MICHAEL JAYSTON in ‘A Coffin for the Bride’. DINSDALE LANDEN’s turn as suave private eye Matthew Earp was so popular he became the series’ only recurring character, when he was brought back for a second episode. When everything came together, as with the endless double-crosses and revelations and a brilliant cast led by PETER BOWLES in ‘The Double Kill’, you couldn’t ask for a better way to pass an hour of prime time.

This was, as you might expect, a very early ’70s kind of intrigue. Try and play a postmodern drinking game, quaffing along with the hero, or taking a sip every time a detective is seen entering a living room refracted in a crystal decanter, or a white shag-pile carpet is stained crimson with blood, or an anonymous black-gloved hand picks up a telephone receiver and slowly dials a very long number, or a blonde American in a trouser suit merrily announces that she’s ‘new in town’ and you’ll be under the glass coffee table before the first victim. And, quite frankly, serves you right. The show signalled its era in other ways: ‘If It’s a Man, Hang Up’ had Clemens’ stock glamorous soubrette-in-peril (more often than not called ‘Suzy’, the significance of which remains a mystery) menaced by an unknown stalker leaving threatening messages on a big, clunky old telephone answering machine. One of the main things mitigating against any modern revival of the programme is the number of plots that revolve around young women not being able to get to a phone box in time, or killers cutting the phone lines to a remote country cottage. In that sense, as well as that of the many swish glass-’n'-chrome bachelor pads dreamt up by the set designers, this is period drama.

They weren’t wall-to-wall classics. Each of the six seasons served up a couple of makeweights and duffers. (As a rule, seasons three and four were the closest to perfection, while five and six became increasingly silly.) ‘File It Under Fear’ was a library-oriented serial kill-in which had JOHN LE MESURIER, JAN FRANCIS and MAUREEN LIPMAN to play with among others, but still fumbled its chance, while mystical entry ‘Someone at the Top of the Stairs’ was fantastic for forty minutes, then ran smack into one of those tediously long-winded explanatory denouements that plague so much bad telefantasy, even if the masterly DAVID DE KEYSER was delivering it (with his fingers placed on the tip of his chin just so). At the very bottom of the pile, ‘Murder Motel’s daffy PSYCHO homage, despite the appropriately-cast RALPH BATES, stank the place out.

Even in otherwise grand entries, Clemens’ unabashed disregard for research (particularly his habit of just sort of guessing what the police might decide to do) got the goat of the more pernickety viewer, along with the inevitable ‘yes, but what about..?’s and ‘hang on, why didn’t she just..?’s that always plague the best laid plots of Agathas and Roalds. Oh, and the dialogue, with the possible exception of one or two Matthew Earp bon mots, never rose, or even aimed above speakable. But even when it was unspeakable, even when the plots were riddled with inconsistencies, and even when the entire set-up seemed like a dead goose from the off (“there’s this professor of Pavlovian psychology, right, and he’s trained some murderous psychos as his servants, and he invites some young students to dinner…”) the twists, turns and sheer gusto of the whole thing kept your attention front and centre, niggling doubts only edging their way in as the end credits wound to a close. Which, Clemens would argue, was his job done.

One thing that initially puts off the modern viewer is Thriller’s directorial style, which, if it could be said to exist at all was very much the old school approach: four days in the studio, one day on location, bash it out, onto the next one. What would nowadays be considered glacial pacing (the long, deliberate tracking shot across an empty room accompanied by sinister oboe cadence was something of a motif, for instance) was integral to the atmosphere. Rather than cut rapidly from shot to shot, the direction took its time, almost taunting the viewer with its creeping progress. When all the other elements were working, a vivid sense of foreboding was the result. Lew Grade’s ITC hired a roster of big names and gave the scripts relatively lavish treatment, but, being mainly studio-bound, with a couple of sets (all of them meticulously dressed, with nary a wobbling column in sight) and a minimal amount of location filming, they look visually primitive these days. However, this simplicity had the virtue of putting the emphasis firmly on script and action, in lieu of fancy camera angles. In fact, the technical limitations had an atmosphere all of their own: the videotaped interiors were claustrophobic and tense, while the grainy, overcast countryside film inserts looked like they could be hiding untold menaces.

Various ITV series followed in kind – the supernatural ARMCHAIR THRILLER and HAMMER HOUSE OF HORROR, and the twist-happy TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED, which was the one that ran off with all the nostalgia value, more through being repeated a lot during ITV strikes than anything else – but for sheer no-nonsense cliffhanging effect, nothing beats the original.

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BBC Television Shakespeare, The

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HERE WAS a prime cut of your actual Public Service Broadcasting with a capital “p”, illuminated in red with a filigreed gold border on the finest vellum WH Smith’s could supply. All 37 of Big Willie’s plays were to be filmed (actually, taped in the studio for the most part), largely uncut, with the best actors the Corporation could lay their hands on, forming an authoritative record of the finest English drama and preserving the classic canon for the ages. Cedric Messina, the bumptious producer-at-large who helmed the Beeb’s Chekhov-by-the-yard heritage drama stalwart Play of the Month, was the man in charge. Monetary support came courtesy of several American institutions, including Exxon and Time-Life (who’d helped the Beeb out with previous heritage drama flagship Churchill’s People, although they didn’t like to talk about it). But the cash came with strings attached. The Yanks, typically, took our historic literature very seriously (possibly due to not having much of their own), so they wanted this series done properly. And properly meant as trad-as-you-please. So, right, no setting the plays in the future, or in space, or on trapezes, or in modern day Lebanon, or in the mind of a mentally challenged eight year old homeless girl on the Fall’s Road. We want spears, we want castles, we want codpieces. And we want them Tuesday.

And this was what BBC2 and PBS viewers got. At least, initially. Wisely deciding not to screen the plays in chonological order (which would have meant opening with limb-hacking miseryfest Titus Andronicus, not a very good gambit for a Sunday evening prestige drama), they kicked off with a nice, traditional, mild cheddar adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. Some of what followed was better, some worse, a fair bit just as dull. The whole affair looked like it was going to play out in this respectful but unremarkable fashion, and critics cocked a snook (the best snook, as ever, belonged to Clive James, who dubbed the whole hubristic enterprise the ‘Bardathon’). But two years in, the creaking vessel was shaken up as Messina was replaced on the bridge by everyone’s favourite magpie intellectual, Jonathan Miller. Getting in a fresh load of directors and technical types, as well as getting his hands dirty himself, Miller pushed the ‘trad’ stipulations as far as was humanly possible. Recreating old masters in televisual form was a favourite game, and the plays started to look fantastic, as opposed to just very bright and rather cheap. (Any dullard who reckons videotape is doomed to look shoddy next to film should be shut in a room with the beautifully lit All’s Well That Ends Well and told to shut up.)

On the less famous productions, mucking about was the order of the day. Stylised minimalist sets came into force, leading Clive James to waspishly express his concern for the actor’s welfare in The Winter’s Tale, fearing that if one of them “sat on a cone instead of a cube, the blank verse would suffer”. (Admittedly, it didn’t completely work – that production’s brave attempt to realise the infamous stage direction “Exit, pursued by a bear” owed a lot to the set dresser of Steptoe and Son.) Popular parallels with the tragic milieu were drawn out: in particular medieval royal courts were shot like scenes from Dallas (which, ironically, was what most people were watching instead, over on BBC1). Elsewhere Miller busied himself with recreating tricky perspectives in that oft-neglected sixteenth century building medium, untreated plywood, and turned Trojan war epic Troilus and Cressida into a tunics-’n'-togas version of M*A*S*H, complete with saucy pin-up etchings and an antiquarian Corporal Klinger. (He even, in a manic on-set bout of sub-Python whimsy, envisioned the prologue being spoken by Richard Baker, in full Renaissance garb, wandering around Troy with a BBC microphone in hand, until a passing Trojan points out that microphones haven’t been invented yet, and Baker stomps off in a huff. Sadly, somewhere along the line common sense prevailed.) Best of all, director Jane Howell, faced with presenting the titanic three-part Henry VI, shot the whole thing in a brightly-coloured recreation of a children’s adventure playground. Combine this with an electronic soundtrack by ‘Deadly’ Dudley Sutton, a swathe of randomly-applied regional accents, weird It’s a Knockout suits of armour looking like a cross between an American football quarterback and a DFS sofa, loads of really really long one-camera shots, a host of knowing looks to camera and a swordfighting Brenda Blethyn and the ten-odd hours practically flew by. And hardly anyone could moan about playing fast and loose with the Bard as the usual pernickety whingeing types knew damn all about the more obscure plays anyway.

As ever with these massive period pantechnicons, the casting was a source of endless off-topic fascination. You couldn’t chuck a halberd in most of the plays without clobbering a brace of famous names, and some came from well off the RSC-approved beaten track. Miller’s decision to cast John Cleese as an uptight puritanical Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew proved to be comedy gold, and Leonard Rossiter, sporting exactly the same beard as Cleese, was the only great thing in the otherwise rather flimsy Life and Death of King John. Further down the list, Johns Birds and Fortune were arch artisans in Timon of Athens, Rikki Fulton was a Scotch and wry pedlar in Winter’s Tale, and Phil Daniels did a punked-up Puck for A Midsummer Night’s Dream. (The choice for Bottom was less unexpected – yep, Brian Glover.) Other experiments weren’t so successful. Again, the opening Romeo and Juliet stank the place out with much of its acting, especially the stilted turn from Anthony ‘Oh then. I see. Queen Mab. Hath been. With you.’ Andrews, and while it must have seemed like a wheeze to get Roger Daltrey in to play both Dromios (with a little Colour Separation trickery) in The Comedy of Errors, the results squeaked for themselves. Actually, perhaps the most unusual aspect of the productions was an inexplicable casting anomaly: 37 plays. Almost 150 hours of solid period television drama. Number of appearances by Brian Blessed: zero. What giveth?

Well, we may josh, but the best of the plays did live on, through the cheerfully ramshackle medium of the educational VHS cassette, which ensured that English students for the next decade would be all over the madly varying tones and production values, albeit increasingly wondering, as telly advanced in technique, why the camera never cut away, why they were always indoors even when they said they weren’t, and why Hannibal Lecter is being so easily duped by that bloke off the British Gas ads. Which was, perhaps, not the sort of grand immortality the BBC governors had envisaged for the series, but it’s a legacy nonetheless. “If I should die, think only this of me: that there’s a dusty old VHS in some corner of an English Lit resources cupboard that is forever Sunday night on BBC2 circa 1980.”

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From Beyond the Grave

Posted in F is for... by TV Cream | 1 Comment »

Dumped by EC Comics (see Vault of Horror), Amicus buy up the stories of esteemed horror scribe Ronald Chetwynd-Hayes, and create their masterpiece. Everything here is done right. Peter Cushing, as the sinister owner of the Temptations antique shop who sells the various cursed items which fuel the tales, has never been better, opting for an understated northern pipe-smoking manner where lesser theatricals would creep and pout. He’s no vengeful wizard with forked beard and red velvet Richard Shops cape, just a homely flat-capped shopkeeper you rip off at your peril. More importantly, the stories are all tip-top, with not a duff entry among them (although the final in-store twist at the end is admittedly a bit weak).

First up, David Warner stiffs Cushing for an ancient mirror which harbours the spirit of a Ripperesque Victorian murderer, who compels Warner to go out to groovy cellar nightclubs with spinning stained-glass lampshades in order to lure women of easy virtue back to his place ‘just off the Edgware Road’ and stow them under the floorboards, until a nosy neighbour with an underarm-mounted ginger tom starts complaining about ‘all that ‘ammerin’ and ‘bloody great big patches all over my ceiling’. Then humdrum office manager Ian Bannen uses a dishonestly purloined DSO medal to curry favour with street beggar and ‘ex-seviceman’ Donald Pleasence, cultivating an alternate life of domestic bliss with him and his creepy daughter (Angela Pleasence) away from flameproof nightie-clad, sausage-reheating harridan of a wife Diana Dors. When the black candles come out of the sideboard, things go a little too far in the expected way, before going off in a genuinely unexpected way. Along with the ace performances from all, especially the Pleasences, to say nothing of a kipper tie to make the head reel, this is probably the best of a fine bunch of stories.

The obligatory ‘daft’ entry is great too, as Surrey suburbanites Ian Carmichael and Nyree Dawn Porter are plagued by a shoulder-squatting demon from an old snuff box,and Margaret Leighton turns up with a perfectly judged ‘dotty medium’ performance of near-Routledge brilliance to get rid of it, making this the only film outside Dead of Night to get the comedy story to work on its own demented terms. And if the final tale, in which Ian Ogilvy buys an old door which leads to an eerie blue room populated by Jack Watson’s demonic Regency sorcerer, is a bit light on plot (and rather too similar to the opening segment), it’s more than made up for with some fantastic lighting and design work, and the presence of Lesley-Anne Down. Sadly this was more or less it from Amicus on the anthology front (late entry The Monster Club doesn’t count, on so many levels), as they moved director Kevin Connor onto The Land That Time Forgot (1975) and its moneyspinning sequels. A grand British tradition – snuffed out.

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Pied Piper, The

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"...and it's Goo Goo, Goo Goo Barabajagl, and away you go!"The Cosmic Wheels really were coming off Donovan’s wagon by the early seventies. His run of hits ground to an abrupt halt after an oddly-named collaboration with The Jeff Beck Group, he was more or less fired by producer Mickie Most and subsequently ‘persuaded’ into recording a contract-fulfilling album of songs for children, and finally made his headline acting debut in Jacques Demy’s rather quite sinister retelling of the rather quite sinister to begin with folk tale. Joining a slightly more experienced cast which included Diana Dors, Donald Pleasance (they really weren’t trying very hard to make this a cuddly family-friendly effort, were they?), Jack Wild, Michael Hordern, Roy Kinnear, Sammie Winmill (presumably in a display of that ‘serious acting’ that she quit The Tomorrow People for), Peter Vaughan and seventies bit-part standby Harry Fielder, the There Is A Mountain hitmaker predictably occupied the title role, which handily allowed him to chime in with a couple of his trademark musical numbers. Shot somewhere between Monty Python And The Holy Grail and a Public Information Film (and, lest we forget, an opening caption placing the action in the “Year Of The Black Death”), and festooned with creepy medieval religious iconography, all in all the film is almost unprecedentedly unsuitable for the child audience it was aimed at, and doubtless inspired a few floods of tears during its many ‘fling it out at the tail-end of the school holidays’ outings on ITV. Meanwhile, for Donovan, the game was well and truly up acting-wise, and a humble pie-eating reunion with New Faces’ Mr Nasty was fair near inevitable.

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Steptoe And Son Ride Again

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The second outing for the lads is more of a straight out farce. Harold cripples their horse Hercules by driving his cart into the back of a Pickfords van bound for York, from which exotic destination he then has to return to London. There follows a series of vignettes involving alcoholic doctor Milo O’Shea, washed out nympho housewife Diana Dors (that’d be a cameo part then) and disgusted insurance agent Frank Thornton, at one point unaccountably refusing from Harold some champagne delightfully chilled in a toilet pan. Both the Steptoe films are not only as funny and moving as the series, but also fantastically contemporaneous, stuffed to the gills with achingly 1970s set-ups, from mosaiced Burton the Tailor shopfronts to desperately tatty parks. Furthermore, the latter production remains the best example ever of a follow-up as an improvement on the original.

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It’s a Grand Life

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The last of the Mancunian comedies, and fittingly the final vehicle for the corporation’s most charismatic stockholder, Frank Randle. Nothing if not sure of an old favourite, ‘the stage and screen’s most famous comedian’, as he’s billed here, is back in the parade ground milieu of the Somewhere… films. Randle, by now surely Britain’s oldest pre-Dad’s Army private, is joined once more by Gus Aubrey and Dan Young. Harry Korris retired in 1950, so the sergeant is an altogether more humourless Irish demagogue, who has his beady eye on the female lead, ‘Britain’s most beautiful and glamorous Diana Dors’. Dors was by this point well on the way to the stardom of Yield to the Night (1956) and the like, but here she’s slumming it up north in the same thankless filler role as Toni Lupino, and doesn’t she know it. She audibly inflects her Rank Charm School diction with an unmistakeable air of disdain for the entire operation.

Fortunately Randle himself is back to full cinematic strength. The Somewhere… staples are all here – wrestling match, concert party, comedy lecture, wrecked car – along with a few new developments. Chief of these is a ramping up of the crosstalk to chaotically unintelligible levels. In an early scene where Randle is being disciplined for letting Barnes, a deserter, escape in a jeep, our hero justifies himself thus:

‘Ah! Ah! Barnes, y’see, yes, well. What about him, sir? Dunno? Never mind, doesn’t matter… Well, his wife, y’see, er… terrible, er… she had four children, er, sir. Four. All four of them, one either a boy or a child, I’m not quite sure. I think his wife, er… very unfortunate… nasty operation, sir, she’s had for her grumbling stones, er, slot stones, er, I think it’s… er… gall, er… Have you seen a gallstone? Scuse me, sir [Randle grabs a pen and starts drawing] Now, a gall… look here, I’ll draw you chicken. [Officer snatches pen] Oh, don’t you want a chicken, sir?’

The whole batch of comedy scenes has this weird, semi-improvised feel. Randle and Young put one over on Charlie Entwhistle, a gormless character suspiciously resembling George Formby (where much play is made of the latter’s unwitting deployment of double entendres: ‘Why fling thy thwarts in my face?’ ‘His thwarts have a powerful sting!’) Yiddish comedian Charles Peters confuses them with ethnic shtick (‘My brother Moishe, he’s gone meshuggeh!’ ‘Are you Welsh by any chance?’) The oddest addition is Arthur White as the decrepit, spectral Private Prendergast. Even more oblivious to his superiors’ authority than Randle, the bewildered old duffer wanders into scenes willy-nilly, starts shaking hands with everyone as if at a dinner party, and delights in gratuitously muddying the conversational mire still further.

By this point in the film, comedy has disintegrated from its set-up/punchline roots into a verbal free for all. The slapstick has gone similarly native – a scene with Young and co giving wrestler Homicide Randle a vigorous pre-match rubdown is literally four minutes of grunting and falling about. Randle blusters, Young simpers, Dors smoulders, up to the final scene where the nasty Irish sarge pushes Dors off a bridge and Randle rescues her (or rather La Dors’ stunt double, a young Pat Phoenix), leading to a grand party in his honour featuring, incongruously enough, Winifred Atwell on piano.

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Steptoe and Son Ride Again

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Forget all that film school rubbish about The Godfather: Part II being the best example of a sequel better than its predecessor (you must unlearn what you have learned, as someone once said), this is it here. The first Steptoe movie was good enough in itself but foundered as it fell headlong into the trap of relocating a portion of the action abroad (see Holiday On The Buses) but Ride Again remains resolutely at home in Shepherd’s Bush refusing to go anywhere further afield than White city, Acton Park or Southall Market. So, okay, it’s a bit episodic. But when the episodes involve Diana Dors, Milo O’Shea and Sam Kydd, that’s a strength not a weakness. And, as a bonus, we might point out to those of you not quick enough to notice that when Harold gets into the lift at the start there’s some writing on the wall which reads ‘Johnnie Jay the Odeon groper’ which is the best graffiti seen in any film ever.

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There’s a Girl In My Soup

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Peter Sellers is Robert Danvers, a vain, rotten telly personality not too unlike Wee Sonny MacGregor from The Naked Truth. Unfortunately, unlike The Naked Truth this is pretty poor. Goldie Hawn giggles along and they go on holiday and she remakes him and he becomes a nice person and um-tiddly ido tra-la-la. However, Tony ‘cravat in Sainsbury’s’ Britton, Diana ‘it come from Cecil Gee’s’ Dors and – hooray! – Marianne Stone are all on hand to lift the gloom.

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Amazing Mr Blunden, The

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In between The Railway Children and Wombling Free – in quality terms as well as chronologically – Lionel ‘POSH’ Jeffries directed this uneven but charming CFF-style tale of two children (Lynne ‘Mrs Peter Sellers IV’ Frederick and Garry ‘Jamie Dodger’ Miller) who turn up at titular landowner Lawrence ‘Persuaders’ Naismith’s stately pile and save two time-travelling 19th century kids from their nasty uncle James ‘Asylum’ Villiers. An early charmer from the David Hemmings-founded Hemdale Films, who before they struck paydirt with The Terminator gave rise to a slew of esoterica such as Tommy, The Blockhouse, River’s Edge and Race for the Yankee Zephyr. A fine roster of British character players fill out the cast, as ever – Diana Dors, Graham Crowden, Paul ‘timing’ Eddington, David ‘career?’ Lodge and Madeline Smith as a, er, “ballerina”. Plus the end credits follow the ‘Allo ‘Allo! template of ‘actors waving the audience a cheerful goodbye except for the baddies who remain resolutely in character and grumpy to the last’. All films should end this way. Especially Se7en.

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Theatre of Blood

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Horror comedy is never an easy gig, combining two genres that are mutually exclusive at best, at worst actively pulling against each other. Add to that the fact horror films have, from Bride of Frankenstein onwards, exhibited a healthy knowledge of their own daftness anyway, and the task of the horror parodist becomes Herculean.

Hordern! Keep away from children and tramps

Theatre of Blood, a prime cut of United Artists folderol, is well up to the challenge. That grand master of borderline self parody, Vincent Price, is Edward Lionheart, a classical actor of the declamatory old school miffed at constant desultory notices and the incursion of trendible ‘Method’ types on what he sees as his turf. Eddie sets out to off the eight members of the London Critics’ Circle who’ve served up his most crushing reviews. Being a Bardhead, he themes each death after an on-stage coil-shuffling in each of the Shakespeare plays he’s been slagged off for being shite in, making it up when the plot doesn’t quite fit his purposes.

Honey glazed ham The Lowe-Morley interface in full effect

This leads to some memorable vignettes indeed – Robert Morley choking on his own poodles and Arthur Lowe’s severed head are the most famous, but there’s also the brilliant death-by-perm for Coral Browne, Dennis Price being dragged behind a horse, Ian Hendry facing an ocular dagger mechanism straight out of The Perils of Penelope Pitstop, and the, er, singular spectacle of Price in a white suit humping away at Diana Dors before Jack Hawkins bursts in and strangles her.

Who's that in the Rigg-ing? Price crunch!

But it’s more than a series of Sellotaped-together bumpings-off, as Eddie’s tragic backstory gradually revealed, and there’s a nicely gruesome technique of using the body (or bits thereof) of the previous victim to hound the remaining nerks. It was reputedly Vinny’s favourite of all his films, and it’s not hard to see why: a green light for unrestrained fruitiness, umpteen costume changes, bizarre make-up, action scenes aplenty, a suicide, the chance to electrocute his future wife while impersonating Princess Margaret’s hairdresser, assorted camply wonky European accents and eight separate Shakespeare recitals. Handed the opportunity of a lifetime, Price inevitably runs riot, but as well as providing fantastic entertainment all along the line, his singular ability to make the ham look convincing as a ham, and not just an actor’s hammy idea of a ham, helps the club-footed logic of the baroque serial killer film no end.

Don't panic! Swoon...

The rest of the cast bulges with notables. Diana Rigg is Eddie’s daughter-cum-partner-in-crime. On their tail are the regulation blundering plods, senior detective Milo O’Shea (silver-haired, bluff, one step behind but doesn’t like it pointed out) and dogged sergeant Eric Sykes. The critics vary from the shamefully underused (Michael Hordern, Arthur Lowe) to the brilliantly overdone (Harry Andrews and Morley), and a well-judged ‘main victim’ performance from the always-reliable Ian Hendry. Then there’s Joan Hickson being repeatedly injected in the arse, Madeline Smith as a secretary, and Stanley ‘Bungle off Rainbow‘ Bates reviving a drowned Price with a Mazola bottle half-full of meths.

Sykes and a... tache *That* mirror shot. Applause, please

Blood takes place in real ’70s London, in and around real landmarks, with real knackered old police Ford Zephyrs to boot. Consequently, it all looks grand. Director Douglas Hickox pulls off enough fantastic little moments to put Kubrick worshippers in the ‘Eight Idols or Less’ queue. Thrill as Michael Hordern is vertically stabbed against a sheet of polythene! Marvel at the incredibly complex horse-in-a-make-up-mirror shot! Swoon as the camera follows Price from balcony to balcony of reciting Hamlet! And stare open-mouthed at the use of wide-angle lenses in general, coming to a head when Hendry faces off with Vince in a trampoline-boosted fencing tournament. No other horror film – no other film, come to that – varies so wildly in tone.

Blimey, the wife! Vinnnie flambees the Steak Diana

Anthony Greville-Bell’s script perfectly balances on the point of self-parody, yet it’s serious enough within its own daft world to deliver some genuinely chilling goods – Hordern’s violent death in particular is not easily expunged from the memory. This is how to do horror parody: first, take horror itself seriously, then let daftness reign as you extrapolate a warped version of it, but make sure you turn the seriousness back up when it comes to the characters. Camp Lionheart may be, but he’s clearly deadly serious.

Besides, you have to love a film that credits a ‘Meths-Drinker Choreographer’.

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Queenie’s Castle

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KEITH WATERHOUSE and WILLIS HALL-penned palaver for DIANA DORS as eponymous matriach mithering about the Buckingham flats – a Yarrrkkkshire housing development – with the likes of FREDDIE FLETCHER, LYNNE PERRIE and BRYAN MOSLEY popping in for a) a cup of sugar b) a cup of “something stronger” c) a couple of jam sponges.

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