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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: G.B.H.

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creamguidefilmsGBH

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES dives back 25 years to Kinnock’s Britain with the searing indictment of casual suits that is Bleasdale’s seminal G.B.H. It’s just the last episode though, so listen carefully as Chris, Craig and Jack struggle manfully to remember what goes on around that scene where Bill Webster batters folk. Turn it on as the titles kick in and sing along to Jesus Wants Me for a Talbot Sunbeam.
If you don’t want to listen to it using our player (above), then download it (76.6 MB). Or, to save you all this hassle, just subscribe to our podcast via iTunes. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘A’

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with an adventure born in space

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Doctor Who – The TV Movie

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creamguidefilmsdrwho

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES is back! Back! BACK! And it’s about fucking time too. Join Chris, Craig and Jack in an adventure in Rosemary and Thyme (or Bramwell) as they pick over the DOCTOR WHO TV MOVIE from 1996 – on the very anniversary of its UK transmission – in fine style stopping off to hear from commentary regulars Father Lionel Fanthorpe, Michael Caine and Bob Mills (or Keith Richards) with special guest references to Patsy Byrne and Len Kabasinski: together at last! It’s the DVD version that kicks in straight off the bat. So press play from the off and enjoy some barely relevant chat that is at least half human.
If you don’t want to listen to it using our player (above), then download it (83.5 MB). Or, to save you all this hassle, just subscribe to our podcast via iTunes. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘R’

SPOILERS: He isn’t

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ

1) 14th May, 1996
2) He’s been in lots of stuff, all of it shit. Except late period Brush Strokes when it got miserable and an episode of Boon which was always great
3) We preferred Dr Quim
4) Just over 9m
5) Southend, as it goes
6) He’s a Canadian comedian. Quite successful, surprisingly. We imagine he shouts a lot
7) It was indeed simply called ‘John Sessions’ from 1990
8) It was Patsy Byrne!
9) Couple of other TV movies; Catherine the Great and The One that Got Away
10) Diana Weston
11) Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose from 1995
12) Luis Silverado. It also featured Richard ‘don’t mention the dog’ Todd, John ‘Q’ Bluthal, Enn ‘de Bargos’ Reitel, Hywel ‘Tarr’ Bennett, Paddie ‘Alfred Marks’ O’Neill, Helen ‘Naked Video’ Lederer, Ron ‘Pod’s dad’ Donachie, A Taste of Dora Bryan, Judi Spiers, Bernard ‘sandwich’ Bresslaw and a further constellation of stars no one but we remember
13) Vortex is a very thick bleach

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a day of the great British holiday.

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Deep Impact

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deepimpact

Creamguide(Films) rockets (!) back…to the future! with the very singularity of puzzlingly shit disaster epics: 1998’s DEEP IMPACT. Help Craig and Jack talk Chris down from a towering inferno of bafflement that has spanned two decades while they mix up Michael Biehn and Jurgen Prochnow and argue over the jelly tots on empire biscuits. There’s swearing, comedy fart noises and sheer rage in a film whose ineptitude is so big only the biggest of the big screens can do it justice.
And so – sigh – listen above, or download it (116 MB). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘R’

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a timely CATASTROPHE!

 

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Watership Down

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Watershipdown

Grab your giant carrot and take to the TISWAS stage as Chris, Craig, Jack and the Easter bonnet herself Rose sit trembling at the sheer unadulterated horror that is the rabbit version of Passchendaele: WATERSHIP DOWN from 1978. Thrill to the sounds of the Barry Manilow beat as the bunnies rip each other to pieces. And a Happy Easter!

Listen above, or download it (just 84.6 MB). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

A Soundcloud link will follow once we work out why Soundcloud isn’t letting up upload.

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘R’

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a vision of DISASTER!

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

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willywonka

Come with TVC… and you’ll be… in a world of imaginative swearing! Join Chris, Craig, Jack as they discuss the massively popular 1971 mittel European weirdo General Foods advert WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY in the company of returning actually-useful contributor Rose. Ponder the sheer wonderment of Gene Wilder’s hair as you turn the commentary on as the ident appears and enjoy.

Listen above, or download it (92.7 MB). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

Right now, Soundcloud is on the fritz – so we can’t place the audio there as well. Sorry. LOOK, IT’S STRESSFUL FOR US TOO!

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with an Easter rabbitapocalypse

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Steptoe & Son Ride Again

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newcreamguidefilmsmillar

fatherdearmillarIt’s not Holyrood, it’s Hollywood! Yes, the desperately threadbare run of the mill humdrum team of Chris, Craig and Jack are joined by comic book and movie international supremo Mark Millar for the latest CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARY.
Listen as everyone is too inhibited to swear much as they (sort of) watch the superlative STEPTOE & SON RIDE AGAIN from 1973 in the company of a man who genuinely knows what he is talking about. Kick off the audio as the beautiful ‘Nat Cohen Presents’ ident spins into view and enjoy.

Listen above, or download it (97 MB to you). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘PG’

SPOILERS: Mark Millar likes Raspberry Ruffles

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a sweet treat

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Superman IV

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Superman ITV

What links Superman and Strathclyde Regional Council? Why, it’s the latest CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARY! This time it’s prime Cannon-fodder Salkind-lite utter shite SUPERMAN IV from 1987. Listen as Chris, Craig and Jack can’t even be bothered to swear about the desperate nonsense that killed off a franchise. Top men. Top. Men.

Click above to hear… if you can! Or download it (it’s 83 MB). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

Or, try it out on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

SPOILERS: Elizabeth Shaw cosmic chocolate selection on post-Christmas special offer in Tesco (at the time)
CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ
1. Omnibus “The Last Moguls” from 1988
2. Kim Hartman
3. And Switching Channels, which is fun
4. Moribund and excreta is a Til Death Us Do Part reference. Just sayin
5. The Famous Teddy Z ran from 1989 to 1990 and featured no one and nothing happened
6. Total domestic gross $15, 681, 020
7. With the never-more-Yankee name of Mac McDonald
8. Terry & Mason’s Great Food Trip
9. He was a Chippendale and is from Leeds. Which somehow doesn’t add up
10. Leader of Strathclyde Regional Council
11. And in fact the other ‘Top Men’ from Raiders is the estate agent in the Stetson at the start
12. He isn’t
13. Yes he is
14. No idea. But he owns a Model T Ford. It says here
15. Actually, we remembered that sequence as being much better than it is. Probably out of desperation
16. There was but it got shelved after this shambles
17. On February the 6th
18. Poor Paul. We’re all thinking of you

Creamguide(Films) will return with … a special superstar treat!

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Condorman

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condorman

Creamguide(Films) is back! Back! BACK! for 2016 with a request from Robert Gillespie’s puppet lion – Disney’s live-action frippery from 1981: CONDORMAN. That can only mean swearing, poor impressions, endless menchies for Little and Large and musical interludes. Listen to Jack attempting colloquialisms as Chris blatantly contradicts Craig out of sheer badness: yes, it’s business as usual round the Creamguide(Films) Fireplace. Turn on the commentary as the movie ident kicks in and enjoy(!)

To listen, click above, if you can. Or download it here (it’s 85.5 MB to you). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

Or, try it out on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

SPOILERS: the additional SFX are provided by Chris blowing his nose

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ

1. James Hampton. And he wasn’t (that was Fred Sorensen.) But he was in Tales of the Golden Monkey, which is the same thing
2. Robert Arden
3. The Cumbersome Diamond is a Sid Caeser reference. Just sayin
4. The Jokers from 1967, not in The Assassination Bureau. But Vernon Dobtcheff is (see below.) And Fred Emney, kids!
5. About £1,500
6. From 1968
7. From 1996. Bishop Wisharton
8. Checked in to the motel in 1985. The Bruce is her last screen credit, it says here
9. John ‘Baltar’ Colicos was Cromwell in that. Pleasance was Cromwell in the very literally-titled Henry VIII and his Six Wives starring Keith ‘not long dead’ Michell
10. Vernon Dobtcheff. Most recently he was in Jonathan Strange & Mr Norell
11. Leslie Dwyer
12. “Who Killed Mr Partridge?” 12th January 1986. He’d quit to go off and run a pub but wanted to put the shits up the rest of them
13. The Return of Captain Invincible from 1983
14. Bonnie and April
15. There wasn’t
16. 1979. Telt ye
17. Baby BA-BY!
18. And it has a John Barry score
19. Billed as ‘Paramount Pictures Corporation and Walt Disney Productions Present’
20. Kids from 1995. Still can’t remember the branding
21. When they bought Marvel they were urged to include CONDORMAN in the ‘universe.’ They didn’t
22. Moloch
23. David Hedison (boo) vs Norman Burton (yay)
24. Robert Arden. And it’s Omen III

Creamguide(Films) will return with SUPERMAN IV

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Box of Delights (3/3)

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boxofdelights03

It’s CHRISTMAS! And here to tap and unwrap is the final instalment of Chris, Craig and Jack talking a load of hoary old bobbins while THE BOX OF DELIGHTS plays in the background. We suggest it is the perfect accompaniment to any number of cliches about peeling sprouts and will most certainly be preferable to ‘jokes’ about Willesden on Radio 2. So it’s a Merry Christmas from us and a Happy New Year from them. Goodnight!

To listen, click on the thing above if your browser so allows it. Or download it here (it’s 58 meg this week). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

SPOILERS: Creamguide(Films) will be back! Back! BACK! in February with some more hoary old bobbins.

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Box of Delights (2/3)

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boxofdelights02

It’s the second part of three of six covering three and four with five and six to come in three. Once again join Chris, Craig and Jack as they talk over, around but not necessarily about THE BOX OF DELIGHTS. Once again press play at the wolfy eyes and neck a posset.

To listen, click on the thing above if your browser so allows it. Or download it here (it’s 59 meg this week). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

SPOILERS: the mystery and terror of the box are hard centres

1. That being Wednesday 21st November 1984
2. She is in fact from (West) Belfast and the petition is here.
3. Merlin of the Crystal Cave was 1991
4. Maid Marian and Her Merry Men ran from 1989 to 1994 and 26 (count ’em!) episodes
5. That was Nicky Croydon
6. 1986
7. Shot at close range with a .357 Magnum
8. Maybe ‘worthy’ was the wrong word. We’ll stick with ‘interesting’
9. Doc Morrissey
10. St Ronan’s Preparatory School. Now defunct. Amazingly.
11. Naturally though you would return it to a gentle heat or it won’t be anything but lukewarm milk with raw egg in it: FACT
12. Sing Lofty: Thoughts of a Gemini. 4 1/2 stars on Amazon! (no copies available)
13. Joanna Dukes, she was Tiddler in 30 episodes of Press Gang from 1989 to 1993
14. She was alright in Watching

Next week: Creamguide(Films) will be back with part three of three next week!

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Box of Delights (1/3)

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boxofdelights01

It’s nearly Christmas! Count down the days to the Creamguide Double Issue with Creamguide(Films) in the varying heights and shapes of Chris, Craig and Jack as they watch the epic BBC children’s drama serial THE BOX OF DELIGHTS from 1984. Enjoy further defamatory comment about Patrick Troughton, reminiscence about killer geese and giants and listen in detail to the Christmas Day plans of people you’ve never met. Click it on as the wee star comes tumbling down the screen and enjoy. Cheers!

To listen, click on the thing above if your browser so allows it. Or download it here (it’s 57 meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

SPOILERS: Contains poetry

Creamguide(Films) will be back next week with part two

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Lifeforce

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Lifeforce

Come back to the ’80s with Chris, Craig and Jack as they watch Tobe Hooper’s splendid dance of the space vampires LIFEFORCE. Shot into space by Cannon films, join in the repetitive ridicule of Dan O’Bannon and the spotting of obscure tourism campaigns while we are treated to Aubrey Morris and Patrick Stewart: together at last! Turn on the commentary as the Cannon logo appears and try to spot the ‘brash guard.’

To listen, click on the thing above if your browser so allows it. Or download it here (it’s 109 meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘A’

SPOILERS: Frank Finlay appears courtesy of the Garrick Club

Creamguide(Films) REVERSE FAQ

1. No idea
2. This was the first of his three picture deal with Cannon
3. Colin Wilson thought it was the worst film version of a novel ever made, it says here
4. The Stuntman, basically
5. No, he isn’t
6. Tom Atkins
7. Brian Marsh
8. Joe Claro
9. 80
10. Freddie and Max
11. Actually, he was a newsreader for the BBC between 1968 and 1973
12. Albert Hague, wrote four Broadway musicals and the score for ‘The Grinch Who Stole Christmas’ but not ‘Starmaker’
13. We actually meant Jack Warden. But Jack Warner works as well
14. ‘thanatology’ θanəˈtɒlədʒi/ noun: “the scientific study of death and the practices associated with it, including the study of the needs of the terminally ill and their families”
15. Top 50 dramas and it was No.16 actually, in between Six a Feet Under and Smiley’s People. But since Six a feet Under was above Smiley’s People the list is clearly a pile of shite
16. We were getting confused with the Australian films featured in the documentary feature ‘Not Quite Hollywood’ by the same guy which is also great
17. Great as Aubrey is, that was meant to be Ronald Lacey
18. 1986 – 1989
19. Still wasn’t
20. Nope
21. He isn’t
22. That was actually meant to be Johnny Sconney Gielguid. Turned out they couldn’t afford him
23. 1987 – 1994
24. No he isn’t but he was in The Mallens
25. Nope, nothing to do with him. Good play, mind
26. It might actually be Elstree
27. He was

Creamguide(Films) will return with a festive treat

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Five Doctors

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fivedoctors

To Creamguide(Films) would go, must choose above, between, below. Join Chris, Craig and Proper Fan Jack as they wallow in the majesty of the greatest Doctor Who story ever told (oh yes it is): THE FIVE DOCTORS. And on the 32nd anniversary of its UK broadcast which, after all, is the big one! Turn it on as Hartnell appears and join in the sweary mockery of a programme so dear to so many generations.

But, how to listen, child? HOW TO LISTEN? Why, it’s as easy at Pi. Click on the thing above if your browser so allows it. Or download it here (it’s 85meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘A’

SPOILERS: Jack is a Proper Fan

1. On the Chicago PBS station WTTW and various other PBS stations on 23 November 1983. We imagine no one shouted “We’re number 1!” at those affiliate meetings like Faye Dunaway in NETWORK
2. 25th November over here. Where the people who actually paid for it live
3. Doesn’t exactly happen all the time but they still put special previews and stuff on at Comic-Con in America before we get them which is all wrong
4. It was shown on BBC One, one part a night between 14 August and 17 August 1984 at 6:15 p.m.
5. 1981 episode “Assassin”
6. And the only story with all the footage, out takes etc. still extant in broadcast quality
7. 7.7m viewers
8. 65 at this point
9. She was meant to be in it but the divorce put the mockers on that
10. And represented McGann when he got the gig
11. Which was the cliffhanger (ho ho) for one of the serialised episodes
12. VHS release was in 1985
13. The ‘Lifestyle’ department
14. If there is this is out of sync
15. This section was MOGGED
16. Or is it a bit of pineapple?
17. They’re all on Gallifrey, actually. ‘Proper Fan’
18. DOCTOR WHO: CYBERMEN. Keep it in mind for Christmas, Proper Fans!
19. What constitutes a Proper Fan (apparently):
1 – into Doctor Who by aged 8
2 – stayed loyal through the wilderness years
3 – know who Alister Pearson, David Burton and Gary Leigh are*
20. Keith Hodiak. Also in the telly Lion, Witch and Wardrobe which is quite a double
21. Virtual Murder was 1992
22. He wasn’t available apparently
23. Knightmare was 1987 onwards
24. Actually it was 1994
25. And the Doctors Latimer did indeed kick off in 1983
26. Released on VHS in 1985
27. And this was the first DVD release, in 1999
28. Made a bit of an arse explaining that. What we meant was that when Tennant says to Sarah Jane in School Reunion that he has regenerated half a dozen times since they last met, it was only five at that point (Baker, McCoy, McGann, Ecclestone, Tennant) cos she met Peter Davison in this. It’s six now cos of Hurt but that didn’t count then. Oh no it didn’t.
29. Neverwhere was 1996. Sir Lenworth was not attached
30. It says here Charles Gray was offered The Role Of Rassilon
31. It says here it’s only ‘jokingly’ referred to as the Flavia Theme. By whom we have no idea.

*(Creamguide(Films) has no idea who these people are)

Creamguide(Films)will be back with a superlative adventure shot from a Cannon.

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Alien3

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creamguidecommentaries03

It’s time to go back into space for an interstellar adventure – but unfortunately not INTERSTELLAR- with Creamguide(Films) as Chris, Craig and Martin canter through David Fincher’s ‘troubled production (copyright everyone) ALIEN3. Listen as they drop profanities, trot out wobbly analysis and ridicule Gorden Kaye’s tragic accident.

This is how it works. You might be able to listen to it above. Or download it here (it’s 106meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘A’

SPOILERS: Martin talks a lot of shit.

Creamguide(Films) will be back with a ‘timely’ adventure! (and maybe even a Reverse FAQ)

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Prometheus

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creamguidecommentaries04

Back with even more shouting and in-jokes – and taking combination swearing to dangerous new levels – join Chris, Craig, Martin, Jack and Rose for a raucous roller-coaster ride of profanity and derision so big, only the biggest of the big screens can do it justice. Yes, ‘Sir’ Riddler Scott’s monumental Alien sequel (prequel?) PROMETHEUS. Please check for level before playing just as the ident fades away.

Here’s the usual script, you might be able to listen to it above. Or download it here (it’s 114meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘R’

SPOILERS: [INSERT ANY JOKE ABOUT ENDLESS VACANT SPACE HERE] 

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ: 

1. Millions of years ago, apparently.
2. But this is 2089.
3. So did they come back at some point and pose for cave paintings? No one notice the space ships?
4. He died in 2005. Callous bastards.
5. Patrick Wilson.
6. Apparently he modelled his performance on a mingling of Peter O’Toole, Greg Louganis, David Bowie and Dirk Bogarde. Which sounds like a mingling that may have occurred to Dirk Bogarde at some point. Just as well we can’t view those dreams.
7. Sigh
8. …
9. …
You know what? There’s just too much for this. So we’ll leave you with two points:
– He played ‘Trey’ in SUNSHINE. He hung around this set long enough to appear in THE MARTIAN.
– “Our timeless recipe made with quality dark chocolate, infused with mint oil and blended with our unique, melt-in-the-mouth honeycomb crisp. Individually wrapped in foil to make every chocolate feel as special as the last. Arranged in the iconic Elizabeth Shaw octagonal box, we think they make the perfect accompaniment for a dinner party with friends, or indeed an indulgent treat for yourself as you work your way around the box, one by one!” (no mention of deep space exploration)
That’s enough of that.

Creamguide(Films) will return with a film they actually like… in SPACE!

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Ghostwatch

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creamguidecommentariesghostwatch

It’s time! IT’S TIME KIDS! Creamguide(Films) does Hallowe’en but doesn’t ‘do’ Halloween. Instead Chris, Craig and Jack have been watching, commenting on and swearing along to the superlative BBC drama from 1992 GHOSTWATCH. But! Is it really a drama? (Yes)

Turn it on when Parky’s name appears and enjoy the miserable old scrote do something useful for a change (and this is the BFI DVD release which we think is the same as the BBC one.)

Should your browser allow, you’ll be able to listen to it above. Or download it here (it’s 93meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed.

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘PG’

SPOILERS: The rustling noise isn’t Pipes, it’s us demolishing a box of After Eights

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ:

1. It didn’t go out live of course. It was pre-recorded.

2. That’s a mock OB unit, the BBC wouldn’t let them use a real one.
3. We’ve no idea.
4. Stars Reunited: Blue Peter, July 9th 2003.
5. Google it.
6. HOSPITALWATCH went out in 1988. We think Rail Watch was THE TRAIN NOW DEPARTING also from 1988, which was about activists fighting to keep the line from Settle to Carlisle open. The film version is in turnaround.
7. She only got half an hour into THE CONJURING the other night.
8. John Craven is 75, Michael Parkinson is 80.
9. Both Richard and Judy are fine, upstanding people with no stain on their characters.
10. Give Us A Clue in 1992.
11. In Suspicious Circumstances, 1991.
12. Clive Robertson, as detailed on Saturday Night Clive in 1989.
13. Cyberspace was 1996
14. Michael Lush was 1986
15. The lovely Sarah was still on Going Live in 1992. So was the rubbish Forbes.
16. Creamguide(Films) does not endorse any scurrilous nonsense about Most Haunted which is marvellous entertainment.
17. No she isn’t.
18. SOIL TRIMS DELIVERY or RIM IDOLS RESTIVELY
19. No it’s the one where Parky calls the woman a bad mother.
20. Published in 1995.
21. Just after 9 so post-watershed.
22. Either Yentob or Jonathan Powell in 1992.
23. No fucking clue. Let’s go with 89p.
24. Elstree.
25. Released by the BFI on DVD in 2002.
26. Banned from broadcast by the BBC for ten years, it says here.

Creamguide(Films) will return with a journey into SPACE!

 

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Superman III

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Superman III

Creamguide(Films): Rise of the Robots!

It’s another instalment of swearing and getting Roshan Seth’s name wrong as Chris, Craig and Allan watch the sequel to the sequel to Superman. Yes, it’s top-notch Salkindery ‘SUPERMAN III’ layered over with sexual imagery and impressions of George Chisholm and Windsor Davies. Turn on the commentary as the Warner Brothers logo fades out and stand by with a sausage roll and a tin of Schlitz.

Should your browser allow, you’ll be able to listen to it above. Or download it here (it’s 115meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed

And here it is on Soundcloud…

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘A’

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ
1. Pinewood, Canada and, erm, Milton Keynes
2. That’s probably the Milton Keynes bit
3. ‘Salami slicing’ apparently
4. –
10 PRINT “YOU ARE A JOBBY”
20 GO TO 10
RUN
5. We used to do that in Laskey’s
6. He isn’t
7. The Daily Star kicked it off in 1981. No idea if it ever featured in the New York Times or Cleveland Plain Dealer
8. Tomorrow Never Dies
9. It was the episode called “Don’t Tug on Superman’s Cape” in which his actual wife played his wife
10. Most fire engines are self-pumping, including the Green Goddess. However, we don’t think Diana Moran is.
11. It’s Gavan
12. And it’s Conal Cochran
13. Earth Angel. This used it first.
14. Bill Reimbold (and so is John Bluthal; see below)
15. $60m domestic gross
16. And Mario ‘no froff?’ Fabrizi, Dave ‘Cockleshell Heroes’ Lodge, Norman ‘Simon, Simon’ Rossington
17. Shirley Knight and Caroline Mortimer, it says here
18. And it’s still Roshan Seth
19. Ronnie Brody. He was, for example, the head chef in the Grace Bros canteen who says, “rissoles!” and puts his fingers up to Captain Peacock
20. David Daker. It’s not him
21. He actually started on telly and got his first film role fucking about behind Yul Brynner in The Ten Commandments
22. She went when she was four
23. Cecil Gaybody
24. He is
25. There is a Canadian ice hockey team called the Wheat Kings. Early European settlers in central Canada who cultivated the wilderness were referred to as ‘Wheat Kings.’ Neither group has had at any time control access to satellites which have functions to control weather systems.
26. It’s ‘vs’ not ‘saves’
27. He has 127 credits on imdb. Mind you, that includes telly. But that’s a lot of films.
28. Built in 1975 it sailed under a Bermudan flag and was scrapped in 1999
29. Robert Beatty
30. For some reason they seem to call them ‘Irish sausage rolls’
31. It grossed half as much as this at the box office proving that it ought to have found room for Bob Todd. Or a giant foam cowboy hay
32. We’re still not sure. We can’t be arsed watching it again with the sound up
33. It was in 1980

Creamguide(Films) will return with a Hallowe’en treat (that isn’t HALLOWEEN)

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Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

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"Call that a knife?"

Creamguide(Films) is back! Back! BACK!

No longer confined to print – finding new ways to write different things about Day of the Jackal and The October Man – join Chris, Craig, Rose and Jack for an adventure in critical evaluation and swearing as they watch Steven Spielydrawers’ 1980s teatime classic ‘INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.’ Turn the commentary on just as the Paramount logo turns to the gong and enjoy as much shady Orientalism as you can handle in one sitting.

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED ‘AA’

SPOILERS: They don’t like it much.

Should your browser allow, you’ll be able to listen to it above. Or download it here (it’s a little over 100meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed

And here it is on Soundcloud…

Okay? So…

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ

1. They married in 1991. Still married.
2. Douglas Slocombe was 71 (at time of writing he’s 102.)
3. The Chenjeh kebab is the most popular Xianjing dish in China. Traditionally made with mutton or mutton fat it is often now made with pork or chicken. But not like this.
4. The Revenge of the Pink Panther
5. Next year’s International Poultry Expo is in Atlanta. We don’t know where it was in 1935.
6. Still alive, he’s 69.
7. It was riding the elephants.
8. Apparently he practices entertainment law.
9. Willard Huyck.
10. She was a character in Prisoner: Cell Block H.
11. It’s Roshan Seth.
12. Kenneth Williams’ boss was Mr Robinson.
13. Didn’t Gillian McKeith once pretend to faint to get out of doing her night?
14. Creamguide(Films) says: The middle film is always the best of a trilogy, except for Jaws and Indiana Jones (and Terminator.)
15. And his wife was Kate Capshaw’s body double.
16. He plays a Gestapo goon in Indiana Jones and His Dad as well.
17. Amrish Puri. He died in 2005.
18. Jake Steinfeld did it this time. Dave Prowse sorted Ford out for Raiders. We read somewhere.
19. The A-Z of Cool Computer Games by Jack ‘Railton’ is still available on Amazon.
20. We recorded this back in April so that was a topical joke then.

Creamguide(Films) will return with SUPERMAN III

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The 50 Greatest Doctor Who Moments

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Here they all are - the 50 Greatest Doctor Who Moments
Don’t worry. We know it’s all over now: Doctor Who’s 50th birthday celebrations. However, as a final bit of admin, here’s our complete playlist of the 50 Greatest Doctor Who Moments – all four-and-something-hours, in one place.

Due to copyright reasons, we’ve had to substitute a couple of them on Soundcloud. So if you really want to hear everything there’s also this:

36) Premature male pattern baldness, an oscilloscope and a frockcoat
34) The Doctor Who Appreciation Society blows it
18) Captain Jack takes a dive

Happy times and places!

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The 10 Greatest Doctor Who Moments

Posted in Posted in Podcasts | No Comments »

"You must obey!"

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And so we reach the final instalment of TV Cream Countdown: The 50 Greatest Doctor Who Moments. You might, should your browser allow, be able to listen to it above. Or download it here (it’s big at 71meg). If you haven’t already, you could also subscribe. And this is our RSS feed

Simon Cartwright as Bob MonkhouseA very special guest, Simon Cartwright in the guise of Bob Monkhouse (left),  begins this final epistopic interface, which also takes in lesbians, Geoffrey Palmer, Doctor Who’s ultimate adventure and the very greatest thing about Doctor Who ever. Plus! Contains Ian ‘Brendan from K9 and Company’ Sears’ first ever interview about that show.

As per Episode OneEpisode TwoEpisode Three and Episode Four you can also access the bits on Soundcloud right here, or below.

TV Cream would like thank the following for helping us make this five-episode podcast series: Karen Bartke, Jonathon Carley, Simon Cartwright, Charles Daniels, Peter Dickson, Debbie Flint, Ryan Hendrick, Keith Miller, Dom O’Shea, Jon Peake, Rose Ruane, Matthew Rudd, Ian Sears, Chip Sudderth, Hamish Wilson and anyone who posted some kind of crazy clip to YouTube or VideoMotion or somewhere else, which we’ve mercilessly pilfered.

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