The most gravely serious of celluloid clowns. Always ‘New York’s neurotic nebbish’. In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, pick September or Interiors as your favourite Allen film, and defend your corner with humourous vigour. Now given up as a lost cause by the filmgoing public, but his recent films have fused his twin gifts for cinematically literate comedy and fearlessly emotional soul- searching far better than many of his more feted works. ‘I agree. The French language Groucho Marx dance number in Everyone Says I Love You had me rolling in the aisles!’
See postDirectors’ Directory
ALTMAN, Robert
The king of ensemble satire. Never happier than when filming twenty simultaneously yammering actors from atop a giant crane. His films reflect real life in that often the most crucial speeches are completely inaudible. Not popular with scriptwriters. Can’t do slapstick.
See postANDERSON, Lindsay
The socialist Eisenstein. Had a rough time of it at school, by all accounts. ‘The introverts always scream the loudest.’ ‘Not true! A swift roundhouse to the lower abdomen and Brian Blessed can drown out a 737!’ ‘A delightful piece of whimsy! Though ironically just the sort of thing the serious-minded Mr Anderson would have had little time for.’
See postARGENTO, Dario
The baron of bloodshed. His colleagues advised him that using contemporary synthesised prog rock to soundtrack his films would cause them to appear irrevocably dated in future years, but who’s laughing now?
See postATTENBOROUGH, Lord Richard of
An institution. Always ‘the indefatigable Sir Dickie’. The professional’s professional. Never approaches the cinematic wicket at half-cock, however small the job. Only a lifetime of helming big budget epics with a cast of thousands could have given him the wherewithal to convince so utterly as the avuncular dinosaur farmer in Jurassic Park. No need to explain why. When reviewing an old film of his for the Guardian Guide, always affect to be amazed that he was ever less than sixty years old.
See postBERGMAN, Ingmar
In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, always ‘the sombre Swede’. More people have filmed humorous sketches parodying The Seventh Seal than have actually seen the original.
See postBESSON, Luc
The stylist’s stylist. So confident of his own talent he thinks nothing of spending $50 million filming an idle daydream he had when he was twelve years old. Jonathan Ross writes: ‘Funnily enough, I had an idle daydream when I was twelve years old that was the dead spit of the opening scene from Betty Blue. Where’s my percentage?’
See postBOORMAN, John
He only makes a film every six years, but every one is a masterpiece. If someone mentions Exorcist II: the Heretic, say: ‘Ah! The exception that proves the rule!’ ‘Zardoz wasn’t up to much, either.’ ‘Enough of your idle pedantry!’
See postBROOKS, Mel
A decidedly wayward comic talent. Consistency may elude him, but on his day he can turn a plate of beans, a comfort blanket, or a false limb into comedy dynamite. See EDWARDS, Blake.
See postBUÑUEL, Luis
Scourge of the establishment. He knew better than anyone the dark, perverted heart beating at the centre of the Catholic church. ‘Of course, it was only the eye of an ox’s head he’d obtained from an Andalucian butcher that morning.’ ‘Fascinating! But I think I’ll stick with Laurel and Hardy, if it’s all the same to you.’ On hearing of a bizarre scandal involving a priest and/or members of the suburban middle classes, say: ‘It’s like something out of Buñuel!’ Nobody will ask you to explain what you mean by this.
See postBURTON, Tim
The spindly small-town elf who made Goth respectable. The Obergruppenfuhrer of odd. ‘When he was a little boy, the circus left to join him!’ The Billy Smart of the big screen. ‘Does that make Jack Nicholson his Charlie Cairoli?’ ‘It’s a thought, certainly.’
See postCAMERON, James
Mention his ‘unmatched on-set generalship’. The De Mille de nos jours. He may not know one end of a camera from the other, but when he submerges Kate Winslet in a thousand gallons of saline solution, she stays submerged. ‘His dream of replacing every actor in Hollywood with a megabyte of your computer generated so-called imagery is still no nearer reality, thank God.’
See postCARPENTER, John
The no-budget polymath. Never happier than when directing a high- octane action sequence with one hand and simultaneously playing the score on a battered old Korg with the other.
See postCIMINO, Michael
The folie de grandeur that was Heaven’s Gate may have put paid to the idea of the true Hollywood auteur once and for all, but the rollerskating scene is pure cinema. Contrary to popular belief, none of the events depicted in The Deer Hunter actually happened in real life.
See postCOEN, The brothers
Always ‘those enigmatic sibling auteurs, the mysterious Coen brothers’. Only they truly understand their own films. In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, speculate as to which one does what in the filmmaking process, before humorously affecting to get them completely muddled up. ‘Frances MacDormand doesn’t seem to have that trouble!’ ‘That’s entirely a matter for her.’
See postCOPPOLA, Francis Ford
Always ‘the bearded colossus of the sprawling American saga’. The director’s director. In a wry article for the Guardian Guide, speculate on the relative financial and environmental costs of Apocalypse Now! and the Vietnam war itself. ‘At least Vietnam had a relatively tidy ending!’ ‘Delightful!’ The father of modern cinema. ‘Surely the Godfather of modern cinema!’ ‘Wonderful! I take my hat off to you!’ In an article on film sequels, always mention that The Godfather Part II showed a sequel can improve on its progenitor. In an article on film trilogies, always ‘draw a discreet veil’ over The Godfather Part III.
See postCOX, Alex
Always ‘British cinema’s prodigal son, the much-maligned maverick Alex Cox’. His films may not be to anyone’s taste, but you have to admire the way he comes up with the funding. Would think nothing of making a Welsh-language musical biopic of Simon Bolivar starring Courtney Love, Topper Headon, Reese Witherspoon and Geoffrey Hughes on a budget of 5,000 pesos. His wide-eyed, reverentially whispered introductions to Moviedrome encouraged many a budding cineaste to video El Topo and then give up a quarter of the way through. His long-awaited return from the margins could provide the shake-up the industry so badly needs. See PARKER, Alan.
See postCRONENBERG, David
The Dauphin of decomposition. Make reference to his ‘Freudian use of prosthetics’. Can’t adapt books for toffee. His catalogue of aesthetic obsessions is best seen in the film eXistenZ, or alternatively by paying a visit to London’s famous Trocadero centre. ‘Are you suggesting his primary aesthetic obsession is a large group of sullen French teenage boys?’ ‘Steady on there, squire!’
See postDe PALMA, Brian
The Primark Hitchcock. ‘Unfair! While it’s true that anyone with money and a megaphone could have made the shot-for-shot remake of Vertigo that is Body Double, who else but De Palma would have had the playful wit to relocate it in the seedy world of hardcore pornography?’ ‘A first class argument! I withdraw my accusation!’
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