R is for…

Robin’s Nest

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1977 to 1981 on ITV (Thames)
Robin surmises Tessa's figures over a glass of house red More house red at...good heavens, starting early today?

RICHARD “BEANS! Beans! Chunky chicken!” O’SULLIVAN gets bored of lying ABOUT THE HOUSE and opens a restaurant with TESSA WYATT. Plagued by endless sitcom problems: double-bookings, triple-bookings, double-bookings which become triple-bookings, double-bookings by comical stereotypes (Geordies, labourers, stockbrokers), cancelled double-bookings meaning the restaurant is totally empty (a popular one, this, as it meant they didn’t have to employ any extra cast), double-bookings caused by Tessa’s meddling dad TONY BRITTON, and double-bookings who turn up late/early/when Richard and Tessa are having a sneaky tumble. Unaided and non-assisted by one-armed (there’s the gag, right there) washer-upper and Irish ex-con Albert.

You might also want to see... Man About the House.

TV CREAM SAYS: "THEME TUNE WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY RICHARD O'SULLIVAN"

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Robostory

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Mid 1980s on BBC1

ENDLESS FRENCH cartoon, often found filling in summer weekday mornings, about a small girl and a group of wrecked old robots building a train, and continually running from Cylon-like robots confusingly called “Rotos” in the titles but (due to hasty dubbing) “Wrigglers” on the soundtrack. Many moral lessons taught along the way, no doubt, but all equally forgettable.

TV CREAM SAYS: "NEVER FORGET, YOU ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW!"

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Robotic Stooges, The

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1970s on BBC1

ALARMING SPIN-OFF of The Three Stooges, featuring giant robots that had the heads of the old black and white slapstickers, plus INSPECTOR GADGET-style protruberances. Even by H-B standards, a hopelessly hare-brained idea.

TV CREAM SAYS: "NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!"

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Rock Follies

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1976 on ITV (Thames)

How the mighty do fall. Julie Covington last appeared on TV as a member of the identity line-up on Never Mind the Buzzcocks. A depressing thought when you consider her career consists of being one of the first women in Cambridge Footlights and she performed in an early production of Caryl Churchill’s Cloud 9 (1973), but in 1976 she played Dee (Devonia Rhoades) in Howard Schuman (words) and Andy Mackay’s (music) Rock Follies, which earned her a BAFTA nomination.

This six part series documents the varying fortunes of The Little Ladies and the not-so-unwavering support of their manager. This is basically a six-part mini-series filmed as a stage play (taking its cue from fringe theatre), it was a radical idea at the time and an exotic draw to American audiences where it became something of a cult hit on public service television (Schuman actually turned down an offer of £250,000 to Americanise the drama). Despite Schuman’s and Mackay’s dedication to keep the production British, Rock Follies was a difficult drama series to execute. Music wasn’t seen as a comfortable medium for drama, so they had their work cut out selling the series. Fortunes changed when Verity Lambert was made Head of Drama at Thames Television. After clarification that the series would emphasise character relationships over music industry satire, she commissioned Rock Follies with enthusiasm.

Covington’s Dee, the strongest singer and feistiest Little Lady, is the show’s focus, supported by Nancy ‘Q’ Cunard De Longchamps (Rula Lenska) and Anna Ward (Charlotte Cornwell). Dee’s a decent, energetic and ambitious performer with a wee tendency to over-sing. Being a spunkily attractive member of a band, Dee isn’t short of male attention and doesn’t have much problem balancing her open relationship with Spike (Bill Murray) and a newer liaison with groupie David (Chris Neal, an uncanny doppelgänger for Richard Beckinsale). Spike, who does have a problem with it, shows up the double standards of communal living and the wobbly ambitions of ’60s Bohemia. For one, there’s too much sickly group hugging and intrusive bundling into each other’s rooms.

Rula Lenska’s ‘Q’ is a slender part, but she has some degree of character development based on her gullible nature, dating a music columnist in a rough game plan for furthering the band’s public profile. He’s about as much use as a chocolate tea pot, but he is responsible for the series’ killer quote: “There are three types of women: birds, chicks and heavy chicks.” Anna is perhaps the least explored Little Lady: a long-suffering daughter of a rather priggish mother who disapproves of their modern, flagrant and meandering lifestyle who nevertheless does actually come along to her daughter’s gigs. Mainly to criticise, but still, she comes. She’s the post-war generation who tries but doesn’t get it. She’s not in the movement.

Schuman wanted to reflect Britain’s economic collapse, but it had to be fun first and foremost. The economic crisis caused problems in keeping the series on time and within budget. Only the first three episodes had been penned when the shows were commissioned. Schuman was agitated to the point of nausea trying to finish the script in time without incurring huge costs (a four week strike saved his bacon there).

The girls find themselves up against copious obstacles to their artistic integrity, mainly due to insolvency: whether or not they’re prepared to sell out to sell a few tickets down the pub. At one point they’re hoodwinked to appear in a soft core film, but decide enough is enough when it transpires the director has harder ambitions.

The appeal of Rock Follies is its sense of absurdity and elements of grit in equal measure. Roxy Music’s Andy Mackay created a surprise number one album with the soundtrack (with lyrics by Schuman). The series contains lots of attitude, Quatro-style leather and glam-flash costumes while managing to be worthy of celebration in its ability to make a mockery of largely unworkable 60s ideals.

TV CREAM SAYS: HEAVY CHICKS GIVE ADRIAN MOLE'S DAD THE FINGER

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Rock School

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1981 to 1984 on BBC2

SO HOW many young careers of the time staked their hopes on this thrown-together educational band? How many would-be drummers followed the Octapad-enhanced antics of Geoff the drummer? How many hundred-per-cent 80s casualties swooned over The Speccy Bank Of Keyboards Bloke? How many people even remember the bass player? But most important of all, how many nascent axe-heroes were shown the ropes by girl power goddess, DEIRDRE CARTWRIGHT? Well, maybe some. All right, none. But she could strike a mean pose with a Synth-Axe.

TV CREAM SAYS: "NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT WHILE DEIRDRE WAS PLAYING A D MAJOR SEVENTH, I WAS PLAYING AN AUGMENTED A..."

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Rock With Laughter

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1980 on ITV (Yorkshire)

OR SIT IN sour-faced sod-it silence. Short-lived revue-type palaver rounding up, Spanish Inquisition-like, “top” Northern cabaret talent, shoving them in front of a rolling camera, then salvaging “best bits” for public airing. Which included PHIL “RUBBER FACED RIBALDRY” COOL, BOBBY SOX, THE IVY LEAGUE and THE DON JUANS.

TV CREAM SAYS: DON'T CALL US. EVER.

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Rock’n'Roll Years, The

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1985 to 1987 and 1994 on BBC1

PREEMPTING THE keenness of all VT editors to stick a pumping soundtrack of the day behind anything recorded, albeit in a more measured fashion, the changing face of pop was measured out in newsreel footage that eventually covered 1956 to 1980 inclusive. Trevor Dann’s idea, apparently. Inspired by the baby boomers and inventing the TV easy uncritical nostalgia boom, so has a lot to answer for.

TV CREAM SAYS: VIDIPRINTER-ESQUE FONT WOULD SCROLL ACROSS THE SCREEN TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE YOM KIPPUR WAR, WITH EYE LEVEL IN THE BACKGROUND

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Rocket Robin Hood

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1970s

FUTURISTIC CARTOON CAPERS relocating the Robin Hood legend lock, stock and barrel into some bizarre world where everyone wears jet packs and eats, no doubt, roast hog on a spit-flavoured pills.

TV CREAM SAYS: "BAND OF BROTHERS/MARCHING TOGETHER/HEADS HELD HIGH/IN ALL
KINDS OF WEATHER..."

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Rockford Files, The

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1975 to 1982 on BBC1

RIIIIING! RIIIIING! “Hello, this is Jim Rockford, at the tone leave your name and message – I’ll get back to ya.” Humorous answerphone gag and worldstopping Mike Post theme over stills kicked off this JAMES GARNER fest in fine style. Rockford was an ex-con, living in a “trailer” in on an LA beach, taking on cases others had dropped. Sarky-toothed solipisms came from pal and ostensible rival DS Becker (JOE SANTOS). ISAAC HAYES turned up once or twice, and the last series featured TOM SELLECK as a proto-Magnum private eye.

TV CREAM SAYS: 200 DOLLARS A DAY - PLUS EXPENSES

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Rockliffe’s Babies

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1987 to 1988 on BBC1

BILL-BAITING FRIDAY night coppering, focusing on seven wet-behind-the-ears trainee detectives, taken “under the wing” of textbook world weary hard-but-fair copper Rockliffe, played by moody IAN HOGG in a maroon anorak. Chanty nursery rhyme type theme song, with lots of tower blocks in the title sequence to denote grit, before Rockliffe and charges stood moodily in front of a van with show’s title written on the side in the grime as a blue light flashed. Practically every episode set on some council estate or other, and plenty of hot-headed mistakes from the decidedly rash Babies to raise the ire of the beleaguered Rockliffe. At least one McGann brother well to the fore, but stars of the show were reformed crim Steve Hood (BRETT FANCY), charismatic Welsh lardbucket Paul “Get us a pork pie, will you, and a sachet of brown sauce” Georgiou (MARTYN ELLIS), and not-at-all-unattractive Karen Walsh (SUSANNA SHELLING), forced on one occasion to pose as a nurse in order to catch a rapist: “Are those tights or stockings?” demanded a lustful McGann, and indeed the entire fourth form. Slightly annoying stylistic gimmick of constantly circling cameras detracted slightly from the action.

TV CREAM SAYS: ROTTEN FOLLOW-UP, ROCKLIFFE'S FOLLY, WAS EXCEPTIONALLY
WELL-TITLED IF NOTHING ELSE

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Rocky and Bullwinkle

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1959 to 1963 on BBC1

PREVIOUSLY JUST “Rocky and his Friends”, this original wisecracking Ward cartoonery lined up helmeted, jet-packed squirrel of the title with Bullwinkle, the dumb slacker moose of legend and shish-kebab swordsman of note. Other characters included Boris Badenov, Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties, and Professor Peabody. A lot of punchlines written up in big letters on the screen, a neat side-effect of animating for crap quality ’60s US TV sets.

TV CREAM SAYS: NOT FORGETTING ROGER RAMJET (SEE BELOW), TOM SLICK, SUPER CHICKEN...

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Rocky O’Rourke

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1976 on BBC1

GROTTY KIDS grimeathon serial, based on “A Pair Of Jesus Boots” (sandal-related kids’ novel) set in Liverpool. Eponymous leather-jacketed hero (MICHAEL MILLS) lives in a boarded up building with a dysfunctional family (brother Joey in prison) and ne’er-do-well mates. When not busy dreaming about becoming a professional footballer ((c) every child’s drama of the 1970s), our kid runs mouthy street gang The Cats, peopled by Nabber (JAMES HOEY), Chan (PETER CHAN) and wheelchair bound Billy who always rode a trike and kept watch. Rival gang peopled by Chick and Spadge. Climax comes when Rocky gets kidnapped by mob in grey Jaguar and gets framed for vandalising a gym, who left one of Rocky’s new gloves (a Xmas present) at the scene. Typical Scouse hard-done-by, angry-letters-to-Radio-Times, heart-in-right-place fare.

TV CREAM SAYS: "I NEED SOME CASH, MAM. I NEED IT ALL"...

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Rod, Jane and Freddy

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1982 on ITV (Thames)

TOUSLED RAINBOW trio tootlers spin off with a quickly-forgotten “musical play” set around some misjudged theme – eg “Wobblyworld” where everyone was made of jelly. The kids wouldn’t have it.

TV CREAM SAYS: "WE WOBBLE-OBBLE-OBBLE ALONG/WITH OUR WOBBLE-OBBLE-OBBLY SONG..." *CLICK*

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Roger Ramjet

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1960s

SOMETHING AMUSING about that name, hmmm? Jut-jawed helmeted pilot Ramjet and his juvenile cohorts, the American Eagles, embark on familiar sarcastic adventures featuring proton energy pills and punchlines spelt out on the screen a la ROCKY above: Thanks, Ramjet. I’d have handled them myself but my religion forbids it. I’M A DEVOUT COWARD. And so on.

TV CREAM SAYS: FLEW THROUGH IN AND OUTER SPACE/NOT TO JOIN 'EM, BUT TO BEAT 'EM...

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Roland Rat – the Series

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1985 to 1986 on BBC1

RAPPING RODENT jumps previously sinking ship of TV-am for primetime Saturday evening slottage just before DR WHO. And bombs, spectacularly. Lousy “rogue channel” format consisted of a collection of “television programmes” (in reality just a sequence of, mostly very brief, sketches) brought together under the banner of a fictional television schedule. Shortest skits transmitted under the guise of fake commercials, and sequences such as a spoof advert for dandruff ending with Roland’s sidekick Kevin the Gerbil wearing a brown paper bag on his head, at least had brevity on their side. Also present: Roland’s decrepit parents Iris and Freddy; an inevitable spoof of the genuinely-everyone’s-talking-about-it EASTENDERS, and JAMES SAXON as hapless lickspittle manager Darcey de Farcey. Wretched Stock Aitken Waterman acid house-esque title music (‘I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I’m back!’) didn’t help, nor did the endless guest appearances by COLIN BAKER. Other wholly non-obvious guests included TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR, SAMANTHA FOX and BRIAN BLESSED, while the likes of Curiosity Killed the Cat and Nik Kershaw plied their musical wares. Iggy Pop turning up on the Christmas special must have been a bonechilling sight for the youngest viewers. “Don’t stop, we’re having fun,” lied the signature tune.

TV CREAM SAYS: "OH GET ON WITH IT. CURRRRR!"

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Rolf Harris Cartoon Time

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1984 to 1988 on BBC1

NEVER ROLF HARRIS’S CARTOON TIME, oh no. From behind giant easel in customised “studio”, our man wielded fat marker pens in attempt to recreate genius of Merrie Melodies and such like. Trademark under-the-breath “om pom pom” to the fore. Montage would slowly build up of different characters from each cartoon, accompanied by relevant animal sound effects to underscore emotions (“And there’s poor old Sylvester, miiiiiaaaooowww, and I’ve drawn him next to old Daffy, not looking too happy about it I’d say!”). Signature ‘Rolfaroo’ would be added to bottom left hand corner upon completion: faintly unsettling hybrid of Rolf’s head on a kangaroo’s arse. Masterworks not available for purchase; donated to children’s wards instead. “Catch yer later!”

TV CREAM SAYS: "'AH SAY, AH SAY, BOOOY'...I WISH I COULD DO HIS VOICE!"

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Rolf on Saturday…OK!

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1970s on BBC1

Scat's the way to do itWhere there's a wind...FALLING BETWEEN old school, black-and-white HEY PRESTO – IT’S ROLF! and CARTOON TIME came this, the inspiration for many a tenth-rate Harris imitation. Songs, crazy aboriginal instruments, Jake the Peg, guests, precocious kids and the climactic outback-story-while-he-paints: you really couldn’t go wrong on a Saturday teatime. “Rolf’s here, whadda ya say? Ready to go?” “OK!!!”

TV CREAM SAYS: "I SUPPOSE WE'D BETTER PAINT A LOINCLOTH ON 'IM, LIKE THAT...YOMPO-POM...SPLONGE!"

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Roll Over Beethoven

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1985 on ITV (Central)

UNASSUMING NAIF waif LIZA GODDARD dwells in unassuming English sitcom village with dad RICHARD VERNON and goes about her unassuming business until brushing up against one of the most unconvincing “rock stars” ever, even for the ’80s, NIGEL PLANER. With whom she promptly falls in love. A Marks and Gran affair. Definitely not an ode to joy.

TV CREAM SAYS: DER-DER-DER DUMMMMM

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Romany Jones

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1973 to 1975 on ITV (LWT)

WAIT! IT gets worse, for here’s ARTHUR MULLARD and QUEENIE WATTS living it up in a down-at-heel caravan park. JAMES “Private Walker” BECK lived next door for the first series, before regenerating into JONATHAN CECIL and GAY SOPER. Spun off horribly into YUS, MY DEAR.

TV CREAM SAYS: JOKES TO LET

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Romper Room

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1960s to 1980s

PRODUCED IN both “national” and “regional opt-out” flavours, this pre-school programme cropped up everywhere from Norwich to Nebraska, customised to suit the locale. Consistent across the board, however, was the arts/crafts premise. Toddlers, with parents looking on, would be supervised by a friendly adult host teaching them a variety of educational pastimes in the PLAY SCHOOL mould (games of ‘Simple Simon’, musical chairs and the like). After an hour of this, the presenter would hold up a ‘Magic Mirror’ and address the viewers through the TV screen, in truth reeling off a list of popular children’s names of the day to create the false “fourth wall” illusion. Co-hosts would invariably be two cat mascots and a large, costume bumblebee (rather cynically marketed during the advert break as cuddly toys).

TV CREAM SAYS: "I CAN SEE JOHNATHAN AND BILLY, SAMMI AND SARAH, ALAN AND JO..."

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