Cream Classics

Alf’s Button Afloat

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1938
It could be said that as critics, we're not fit to kiss WA Darlington's famous arse Sim sala-bim!

We approach this film with not a little trepidation. After all the hubris we’ve spent the last four-odd years heaping on what, to the untrained eye, is merely a largely-forgotten wartime comedy filler, would we, upon seeing it properly for the first time in over fifteen years, be able to justify the pedestal upon which we’ve ceremonially placed it? Fortunately, all such thoughts go out the window the moment the credits roll, and we’re told the film is adapted “from WA Darlington’s famous farce”. This has to be great, right? We start in a rather bare-looking set that’s standing in for the ancient Middle East, wherein Aladdin, now enfeebled, summons his genie, who appears in a rather impressive fireball zipping through the window to spooky orchestral accompaniment. Alistair Sim, for it is he, plays the genie with no discernible ‘Arabic’ accent, but a sort of camp, unctuous voice rising hopefully at the end of every sentence.

Which, needless to say, works a treat. Sim’s worked with various Gang members before now, first in 1935′s A Fire Has Been Arranged, in which he was foil to Flanagan and Allen’s cockney jewel thieves, who find a shop has been built on the site of their stashed loot while they’ve been languishing in choky (see Peter Rogers’ The Big Job for the definitive version of that hoary old scenario). Anyway, Aladdin’s fading fast, so the long and the short of this establishing scene sees the genie buggering off back into his lamp, and the old man burying the thing. it gets ploughed up, falls into the hands of some nameless sailors, who try and pawn it but finding no takers chuck it on a rag and bone cart, where it heads off to be made into army uniform buttons – cue lots of lovely old factory footage overlaid with Sim – still imprisoned somehow within the metal despite the lamp having been completely flattened – going “Ooh, it’s hot in here!” etc. Eventually he’s sewn into a naval jacket and, well, there’s your set-up. Four minutes tops. if only films these days could get their high concept delivered in such admirably quickfire a manner.

Dull exposition from the straights... .. barely ameilorated by a racy LOL!

Now we’re up to the present day. While a naval recruitment march proceeds down the street, on a balcony staunch straightman Peter Gawthorne, in full captain’s regalia, is arguing with his daughter, played by Glennis Lorimer, no less than the fan-toting Gainsborough Lady herself! The subject of their consternation is a bit of modelling work she’s picked up – an ad for Collie’s cork-tipped fags. “Daddy doesn’t mind how many Collies I smoke!” runs the improbable caption while Glennis reclines cheekily in the bath. Gawthorne is not amused.

Our heroes... at last How much can you fit in one shot?

But that’s yet another bit of scene-setting, as we’re quickly transported to street level and – yes! – The Gang’s all here. Merrily busking away, with Jimmy Nervo bashing a broomhandle adorned with cymbals and Charlie Naughton taking lead vocal. The song is Goodbye Little Yellow Bird, best known these days from Angela Lansbury’s over-the-top performance of it in 1945′s The Portrait of Dorian Gray, but unlike that actorly, emotional delivery, here the song – about a sparrow coming in from the cold, encountering a canary in a golden cage, falling in love with it but preferring penurious freedom to being a prisoner “in a cage of gold”, you get the mawkish idea – is stripped to the chorus and belted out with all the falsetto gusto Naughton can muster. It’s great.

Not that the bystanders seem that bothered, though – “Not a sausage, for great stuff like that!” moans Bud. (Incidentally, though the Gang are basically going under their own names here as ever, for the record Bud, as lead, is called Alf Higgins, and Jimmy Nervo goes by the name of Cecil, presumably to help differentiate him from Jimmy Gold, and also to give his partner Teddy Knox yet further excuse to exercise his Sylvester the Cat-esque trademark lisp. Oh, and while we’re here, here’s our handy Crazy Gang Ready Reckoner in case you’re still not entirely sure who’s who –

BUD FLANAGAN – Loud, Stanley Hollowayesque cockney with facial overtones of Roy Hudd (and not, despite the best efforts of Royal Variety Performances in the early ’80s, Bernie Winters). Bashed straw boater and fur coats a speciality. He’s normally the one doing all the talking.

CHESNEY ALLEN – Tall, suave, well-groomed and the ‘poshest’ of the lot. He’s normally the one doing all the confused/grumpy expressions while Flanagan’s doing all the talking.

JIMMY NERVO – An impish, constipated-looking chap with a high waistband and a touch of Hugh Lloyd about him. Prone to acting half his age (in physical terms – obviously the entire gang were on about a quarter of their mental years to begin with).

TEDDY KNOX – A Private Walkeresque spivvy look, in the main, with affected lisp and occasional waxed ‘tache oft deployed to humorous effect, eg. he’s usually the first to hop into drag.

CHARLIE NAUGHTON – A sort of short, slightly chunkier Scottish Brian Cant. If that’s possible.

JIMMY GOLD – Also Scottish. Basically a larger format Ian Hislop.

‘MONSEWER’ EDDIE GRAY – Well, that’s easy – enormous, stuck-on handlebar moustache, of course. But then he’s only in Life is a Circus, anyway.)

So. As they’re drowned out by the marching band, Jimmy knocks his cymbals loudly in protest, and a lovely old dear, assuming they’re part of the military outfit, gives them two shillings. Well, the gang don’t need any more encouragement. “We’ll let them do the work!” So they split up and infiltrate the marchers, Charlie heading the parade with his rickety cart full of junk, on which Jimmy hangs various signs to elicit sympathy – “Out of work since birth”, “Three deaf all dumb” etc. – while Bud and the others nick a sweep’s broom for a substitute rifle and pass the hat around the crowd. It’s a charming little scene – the cheery glee on the lads’ faces as they nudge up against the stiffly marching band and happily defraud passers-by of coins of the realm is nothing short of heart-warming. Of course, they pay the price as the march runs right into a naval compound, and the heavy gates close behind them. Whoops!

Wally in action Bundle!

Now for a bit of fun with one of the best stooges in the business, Oliver Hardy-like sergeant Wally Patch. In a classic example of extended misunderstanding, the Gang assume the naval yard is a labour exchange, and pop in for a medical and their wages, assuming that’s it and they can bugger off home. Patch delights in informing them they’re now fully-paid-up sailors in Her Majesty’s Navy, upon which they all faint in classic music hall style, aside from Charlie Naughton who stands there going “Mummy! Mummy!” in a weird high-pitched voice. Once it’s all sunk in, time for the obligatory square-bashing scene. The shorter Gang members invariably get left behind, while Bud saunters down the line in fine leg-swinging style.

Then, after the obligatory montage of bugles, marching and stew plates, interspersed with patch’s fearsome bellowing mug in close-up, enter dashing young Lieutenant James Carney, who lends a sympathetic ear to the Gang’s woes (Gold: “We’ve marched our feet right off – this is the end of me leg turned up!”) before they’re off to the clothing store (“Treat yer uniforms like yer wives – shake ‘em every morning!”) for some trad tailoring demands (Bud: “Cut mine with a dicky-seat… not too tight underneath the arches!”) and a bit of Naughton and Gold business (“Tell me Mr Shorthouse, how do you get this wonderful physique?” “By getting up early in the morning and going straight back to bed!”) A jacket with a dirty button is passed down the line until it ends up with – of course – Bud. Knoxy gets in some great lisping (“If we’re going to shail the sheven sheas I shall be sheashick sheven timesh in sheventy-sheven sheparate shpashms!”) while Nervo braves the saliva torrent as best he can.

Then, in front of a rather impressive battleship backdrop (which we’re assuming is a hanging miniature) we’re reunited with Gawthorne and Carney (and, through a little cutaway to the ‘inside’ of the dirty button, Sim as well, just to tidy everything up before we cast off). In the last bit of double-cross Patch is going to get over on the Gang, he enlists Bud as Carney’s batman. Carney, as flat a romantic lead as the Marx brothers ever found themselves lumbered with, and then some – is twirling Indian clubs in his vest and looking every bits as ridiculous as he was no doubt supposed to seem dishy back in the day. The revelation of that Collie’s fag ad on the inside of his cupboard, however, sets up the inevitable romantic subplot far more succinctly than any of the O-Boys’ pictures managed.

'Hitler, has only...' Matte shot!

So here we go on the final leg before Sim. In the officer’s mess Bud finds some “Wodka” (“That’s either a drink or furniture polish… nice furniture polish!”) and thus begins an orgy of almost non-stop drunkenness through the rest of the picture. Then, up on deck, polished out of his mind, he finally – twenty minutes in – rubs the button and gets Sim out. “What is thy wish, o master?” “Well, stripe me pink!” And so he does. Going below decks, Bud interrupts the other lads’ high-stakes game of Escalado (“No blowing!”) with his candy-striped fizzog (“I know what it is! His mother was frightened by a Venetian blind!”) plunging the entire ship into quarantine and an enforced mass gargle to ensure the crew’s health, a nice topical gag based on the then-prevalent Ministry of Health campaign to get Britain Gargling in the wake of the ’37 flu epidemic, which Gainsborough Pictures helped publicise with shots of their star Girls (including Glennis) posing in mid-gargle in front of a lavishly-appointed bathroom cabinet.

Inevitably, Bud summons Sim again on his sickbed and demand the stripes be undone, thus necessitating a bit of red ink application when it transpires a team of renowned doctors are boarding the ship to check on the wonder lurgi (“Are we going to lose the best job we’ve had since we’ve been on the dole? No!”) The quacks aren’t impressed, needless to say, but first Charlie Naughton sets up what must be the first instance of a classic sight gag. While fumigating the deck with one of those old-timery powder puffers, he accidentally squirts a doctor full in the face, then apologetically sucks the powder back in (in reverse motion) in exactly the same wise as, for instance, the gag with the dropped breakfast tray in the Blackadder II episode based around (synchronicity ahoy!) Gainsborough melodrama The Wicked Lady. Who says these films aren’t seminal?

The gag they all loved back home Geroff me foot! Oh no, that was the other feller

After a dull bit of exposition in which Gawthorne finds out Carney’s got the hots for Glennis, it’s on to the big scene where Alf spills all the Gang about Sim (“He’s a Peruvian! Abdullah Jellybags is his name, he used to work for Cinderella!” “We got him out of bed too soon, he’s got delirious trimmings!”) Outraged at the slight on his master’s authority, Sim makes Jimmy Nervo kiss Bud’s foot as punishment (“His foot? Well, it could have been worse!”) Lest any further dramatic entrances give the game away, Knox gets him to “change his signature tune” to a rousing rendition of Colonel Bogey. Then, shrunk to cupboard-dwelling size in an excitingly wobbly bit of superimposition, he fills the room with beer (after an incredibly laboured gag wherein he produces ‘biers’, and Ches has to explain what they are to everyone). Cue another orgy of drunkenness!

More post-prod wizardry. Baldie!

To keep their carousing secret, Bud arranges for Sim to keep Carney ‘occupied’ – the cue for Glennis Lorimer to materialise on ship – in a see-through nightie, yet! Nervo gets to lead Lorimer (definitely hailing from the ‘giggle in the voice’ school of girly poshitude) off to the Lieutenant’s cabin, while the lads conjure up a variety of birds for themselves. (“Fancy suggesting such a thing! I’m all for it!”) “Oh, master,” rhapsodises Sim, “I will bring you Huries from the palace of Ming…” And Bud brilliantly jumps in shock at the first syllable of “Huries”. They set about ordering their birds (“I want a bonnie brunette with a beautiful bank balance!” “‘Ere, that’s six penn’orth of mixed!”) while Glennia and Carney get together in a symphony of plummy vowels and bumptious giggling there’s fortunately no need to even bother listening to, so clear is the road this romantic storyline’s going down.

Bundle x2 Bagging off: excellent

Back to the drunken orgy, which is hidden from a rampaging Patch, though not well enough as bottles of run fall from jacket sleeves and the scene descends into a pissed-up free-for-all, with Naughton in particular pulling off a fine drunk walk through the melee. A potential court martial turns, with a bit of Sim-based help, into a tearful lament over the “drab, empty lives” of the men (“Oh sir, don’t call me Higgins, call me Alfred!”) with the captain ordering an extra shilling a day and a twenty-five-pound bonus. The next big set-piece comes in the shape of a concert party for the visiting Lord Wimbledon. Following a bit of canon-based wordplay with Bud and Ches (“That’s where the barrel’s been rifled!” “I’ll take a ticket!”) it’s hastily established that Carney is strapped for cash and, as he’s the romantic lead, the lads decide to show a bit of “reciprocitocity” and buy the lieutenant’s house off him, with no decent explanation of why they should be arsed helping this chinny oaf at all. But such is the special magic of the romantic subplot.

The Jollies in full harmonious swing 'Hearts of oak...'

Cut to the concert party, and a rather neat bit of extended mime to a straight opera soundtrack, with the Gang, aka The Harmonious Jollies. Allen, Knox and Gold enter in tuxedoes, followed by Bud and Jimmy Nervo in pearl-festooned drag – surely the inspiration for Hinge and Bracket? What’s basically a one-gag bit of visual business (although admittedly a brilliantly performed one) is kept fresh with the constant double takes and glances across, particularly between Bud and Jimmy. After some Exciting Plot News in which we learn Gawthorne and Lorimer are off to a hunt at the weekend, and that Carney’s flogged his house to “an oriental gentleman”, Nervo and Knox get Wally Patch up on stage for a final bit of hypnotic humiliation. After Patch inadvertently pisses on Lord Wimbledon’s chips (“Am I married?” “No, you will die a bachelor, like your father before you.”) it’s time for the plot to take a massive lurch forward, as the Gang bugger off the ship entirely and roll up at Carney’s stately pile.

Colonial palace-searching Brettingham-Browne at your service

And so to the country house, now a harem (complete with dancing girls who respond to the magic words “Two home and one away!”) in the possession of a huge sheik-type fellow played by Bruce Winston (the second time he’s played this role, also having done the honours in a straighter version of the play in 1930, in which Nervo and Knox also appeared, as cameoing comic relief). Winston goes madly over the top, in a Great Soprendo style, showering Bud and co with coins (“There coins haven’t been used in 10,000 years!” “Are they from Aberdeen?”) Carney turns up, necessitating another great round of disguised daftness, headed up by Teddy Knox as Mr Brown (“Pronounced Brettingham – one of the Brettingham-Browns”) a monocled grandee with a nice line in upper class throat-clearing chuckles. (“I’m just too, too devastatingly pleased to meet you!”) and the rest of the Gang as a variety of turbanned exotics, with Bud taking the part of the Soprendo-voiced one. Carney complains about the antiquated coins (“I knew they wouldn’t take them at the Co-op!”) Jimmy Gold does a fake crystal ball routine, again with the ostensible purpose of getting Carney together with Lorimer (“I see bells ringing, bells chiming, bells tolling…” “That’s a lot of bells!” “All right, see if you can do better!”) after which he’s quickly shown the door (Bud: “Goodbye Mr Hardy, if I don’t see you anymore, hello!”)

Bye-bye! That textbook 'all a dream' pay-off

Onto the climactic hunt ball, which is of course started off with the lads in hunting regalia making a dash straight for the punchbowls. Following their instructions to go to the pictures and get more up-to-date, Sim turns up in hunting pink and a new, decidedly weird, half-Scottish-half-Chicago accent (“Take a gander at me, bozo, take a gander at me! Swellegant, eh?”) So does everyone else, and all that’s left is a final bit of zaniness (all filmed mainly indoors, of course) with the Gang running about on circus ponies, the police chasing after them for the banknotes Sim’s pinched, and a rampaging bear (liberated from the same circus as the horses) chasing everyone, as the orchestra breaks into the Dick Barton theme. It all ends with horses, coppers and Gang members swarming round the manor as Bud gets the jacket just in time, and Sim puts “everything back to how it was”.

The gang duly wake up alongside that recruitment parade. But a ho-hum cop-out ending is saved by the fact that the romantic leads (plus Gawthorne) were last seen up a tree being pursued by the bear. Along comes a news vendor with the headline “Bear Eats Three in Kent”. So, having achieved the annihilation of the drippy leads – something the Marx Brothers would have given three hardboiled eggs to be able to do – the lads merrily bash and gurn their way into the end credits. “Ah well, the show must go on!” The usual caveat that what we’re seeing is roughly a tenth of the mayhem the Gang could concoct on stage applies, but even this tiny sliver of sauce is a treasure. So you see, it’s much more than just some dusty old sub-Ealing British comedy – it’s inspirational, seminal and scatological in equal measure. It’s bloody wonderful, in short. Now, if only they’d show it on the telly…

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Boom!

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1968

THE PLOT: Wealthy but moribund authoress Flora ‘Sissy’ Goforth (Elizabeth Taylor) lives alone in a fortress-like house on a remote Mediterranean island, dictating her memoirs to a bored secretary. One day poet Chris Flanders (Richard Burton) a young and virile man (yes, Richard Burton) with a reputation for bedding dying widows, swims to her door. They prat about for a bit on the terrace. Then Sissy’s mysterious neighbour The Witch of Capri (Noel Coward) comes to dinner, and the three of them prat about some more. And on the way home they stopped off at Blue Boar Services and Noel had a Coke float and it was good and then they went home the end.

Nice pad In pre-CGI days, how much do you think this crappy bit of symbolism cost?

Boom! is pretty much an archetypal Big Pretentious Late Sixties Film, and yet nothing quite like anything else. And it’s pretentious in the proper sense of the word, not merely ‘a bit clever’ but going all out to seem a bit clever, without actually bothering to put in any of that wearisome spadework that properly being a bit clever demands. We’re going for effect here all the way. The whole charabanc’s got high art cred in spades: that cast, respected claustrophobe-baiter Joseph Losey wearing the jodphurs, and a script drawn from The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore, a play by Tennessee Williams, and no-one in the world of American drama falutes higher than Tennessee.

A big important film then, and as such the most costly of the infamous Thirteen Numpties turned out by the British office of Universal Pictures at the end of the 1960s. Oh, how will it all turn out? In summary: quite frankly, bloody hell. Georgie Fame belts out a number as we fly o’er the sea, Father Ted-style, and zoom in (there are plenty of zoomings-in here, as was the style at the time) on Liz’s modernist concrete eyrie, in which La Taylor spends much of the first act either sobbing noisily in bed or wafting about on the roof in kaftans. When she’s not doing that, we see her dictating her namedropping memoirs to Mrs Sidney Poitier in a style mixing Tristram Shandy with prime Niven, and going on something chronic about her previous marriages to ‘five industrial kings’ and a ‘young poet’. In short, Liz has a big old strop on her. Then Burton swims in.

Samurai dressing gown - £22.99 The perils of dipping your head in glue and walking through a lathe workshop laid bare

Now, Liz may be a territorial old sow (she’s installed gun emplacements and a midget security guard to keep the riff raff out), but a crash-zoom into her eyes handily indicates suppressed lust. Well, it’d be a short film if it wasn’t there. Much arch banter is exchanged between the trespasser and the frowsty old bint, until – ‘Urgentissimo!’ – the call goes out for Coward, who arrives at the island on piggyback wondering ‘what the old bitch wants now’. Noel and Liz are fast buddies, and over the years seem to have developed a strange yelping custom, howling to each other like Joshua Yarlog, which they keep up through the picture but never explain.

At dinner, Liz gets all giggly and tries to impress Coward with her comedy tai chi routine. Noel bitches across the table. They chat about some no doubt deeply symbolic jellyfish and Noel tells a filthy anecdote revolving around the word ‘poisson’. Finally the dinner party gets all too much. Liz passes out and Noel starts doing owl impressions. Meanwhile, Burton cops off with Mrs P. Liz goes onto the roof and parps out a shouty, turgid soliloquy, before collapsing in her nightie again. A doctor is called, but Liz doesn’t want to know (‘Get your fat ass and sneaky grin off this terrace!’) and his x-ray camera gets lobbed over the cliff. So she’s dying. Won’t admit it. You have get the idea. You have no choice but to get the idea, so trowelled-on are the symbols.

Dwarves on deck Pre-croak exit

A problem with the memoirs arises. How does Mrs P (whom Liz calls ‘Blackie’ – very Tennessee Willaims) know when she’s dictating or just soliloquising? Fortunately, Liz has an answer. She’ll raise her hand when she’s dictating, and have it down when she’s soliloquising. (This all really does happen.) By now she’s made Burton ponce about in a samurai outfit. Ah, is he the angel of death? Burton, with crushing inevitability, recites Xanadu. Liz: ‘Whaaaat!?’ Then Burton snogs her and Liz says ‘thank you’. Liz is now constantly coughing her guts out, meaning soliloquies take twice as long. The effect is of Lady Macbeth channeling Sid James. An inspired Goforth/’go forth’ pun is used at least three times. Finally, Liz drops off the symbolic twig. ‘Too tired!’ It’s over. We can go home now.

This is, you may have gathered, what Leslie Halliwell would have termed ‘metaphysical codswallop’, and rightly so. But this isn’t just any old codswallop. This is pan-walloped breast of finest transatlantic cod, lovingly drowned in a portentous whimsy and herb jus. This is self-consciously classy shite, which is the most delirious and inane shite of all. There’s the small matter of Tennessee Wig Walk’s wierdly mannered dialogue, ranging between dull and unbelievable ‘smart’ small-talk (‘See this ring?’ ‘Yes, it’s a very noticeable object.’ ‘Yes, I’d noticed you’d noticed.’) via pillockish aphorisms (‘What’s human or inhuman is not for human decision’), coasting on a few duff ‘shocking’ exclamations which range from the absurdly twee (‘I give not a tinker’s damn!’) to the wincingly crass (‘Shit on your mother!’) and stopping off for a Ginster’s in one of those sort of neverending, drearily symbolic conversations where the speakers change location about five times before they get to the end.

Ah, turning to the wall, it had to happen soon Shades of the times

At one point Liz turns into Griff Rhys Jones in that Not the Nine O’Clock News yoof programme parody. (‘Everyone off the terrace!’) At one point Burton finds himself having to say ‘Radiation vibration sensation!’ with feeling. Dear Noel gamely cracks appalling alleged witticisms. (‘The wicked old Duke of Parma – I always called him the Parma Violet!’) Everyone explains exactly how they feel and what they think to each other all the time, like this was The Young Doctors: Late ‘N’ Lewd. Smilin’ Joe Losey works his way through a veritable Rover assortment of ’60s director’s tricks from zooms up the nose to sitars on the score, and proves the old adage that bad high art and bad sci-fi tend to look pretty much the same – like Zardoz, in fact.

It is of course perfectly easy for this much talent, holed up on the one location, to set each other’s egos off in a chain reaction of ever-increasing creative nincompoopery, and this is exactly what happens (see also Heironymus Merkin). But what a location it is! It’s that architect-designed runway-cum-villa off the coast off Sardinia that always crops up in programmes about architecture, complete with fountain, pergola, mynah bird, a high tech reception desk for Liz to sit behind and gurn like Joan Rivers, which also does mood music (circus pipe organ and ‘In a Persian Market Place’), and an odd egg-shaped concrete podule full of booze. It’s a brilliantly strange, bleached out gaff in the grand ’60s style (the Burtons tried to buy the place after filming there) and the eye certainly gets well-acquainted with it as it wanders round the screen during those endless bloody speeches about the sea, the sea, can’t you hear it?

Hey! You scratched my anchor! So much better than that ghastly prison lavatory set!

Granted, the roof top is somewhat prone to gales, but oddly this doesn’t drive them indoors, and they gamely sit round the breakfast table while their coffee pours horizontally – just like imperial phase Dallas. If that’s not enough in the way of gaudy, calorific Pontefract cakes for the eye, there are always the 1001 frocks of Liz. Selected from a massive walk-in wardrobe, her accoutrements range in stupidity from some simple, huge owl sunglasses with the thick white rims to a ludicrous Ronco spark plug headdress resembling her own exploding brain immortalised in tin foil and daisies. By the half way mark, Liz has a different ‘look’ almost every other shot.

Then there’s her hair (by Alexandre of Paris – presumably Alexandre prefabricated most of it in Montmartre, then had it flown out to Sardinia in sections and reassembled on site). Liz’s wigs are a good five pounds of solid horsetail (even an all-black hijab still has to stretch over that hair). Against all this finery, Burton falls back on three looks – junior Milk Tray man, a fetching pink towelling robe for the man who has everything short of a sense of dignity, then that samurai outfit he sports for most of the film. A limited repertoire, but the lad works it for all it’s worth.

No barking on the terrace! Anger management sorely required

Ah, the Burtons. Who in hell picked this vehicle for them? Critics complained the play calls for a properly old woman and a reasonably young bloke, but the pair came as a twofer back then (only the sort of twofer that ends up more expensive than if they came separate). They were at the height of their bankability as a couple, coming off the impeccable Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, another film-of-the-play where they spend most of their time shouting, but significantly a film of a good play where they’re given decent things to shout. There is ham everywhere! Liz is the worst offender, shrieking and yelping and resembling Tina Turner when she’s tottering about the front room pissed.

The film is of the type, ‘dense’ in both senses, that invites daft obsessive symbolist ‘theories’ on a par with Outpost Gallifrey, so here’s one for them: this is Fawlty Towers six years before the fact. It’s simple. Liz is clearly Fawlty, with all that embarrassing bad tempered leaping about. Mrs Poitier is the long-suffering and reasonably sensible Polly. Coward is some weird combination of the Major and Misses Gatsby and Tibbs, and that midget security guard is Manuel. Burton is, of course, the medallion man off of the Psychiatrist episode. ‘Pretentious, moi?’ All right, it’s an easy target. Too much was at stake and nothing went smoothly – it was a case of ‘Action G&T’ as Losey’s on-set boozing began to catch up with him, and with that of Burton, who was probably drowning his sorrows when he found out Tennessee really wanted Sean Connery to play his role (also turning this project down was Topol – for what role we’re not sure).

My dear, it's an island in the South Seas! With a nuclear reactor on it, by the look of things Mm, swirly!

As for post-film reps, Coward didn’t care, Losey, after finishing his second film with Taylor for Universal (the relatively humdrum Secret Ceremony) came back with The Go-Between, and Burton enforced the follow-on with Where Eagles Dare (and, er, Candy too). Liz was the one whose rep really suffered. After caterwauling in that metal shop-floor crash helmet, the market fell out of her bottom and cameos-’n'-crapola was largely the order of her day. Boom! did give her some lasting notoriety, however, making her – the claim went – the first female star to say ‘fuck’ in a major motion picture. Roy Castle writes: ‘Ah, that haunting Tennessee Williams dialogue, eh Norris?’

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Bunny Lake is Missing

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1965

THE PLOT: It’s the Swinging Londons, and ex-pat American Ann Lake (Carol Lynley) goes to collect her four-year-old-daughter Bunny from nursery school. But lo! She’s nowhere to be seen. Even more sinisterly, no-one aside from Ann seems to have any memory of her ever being there. Ann calls in her fresh-faced boy reporter brother Stephen (Kier Dullea) to help. Inspector Newhouse of Scotland Yard (Laurence Olivier) gets involved. Gradually Ann’s flaky mental history comes to the surface. Could Bunny be completely imaginary, or is something more sinister afoot? Are things as they seem to be? Why are we asking you?

From the jaggedy, paper-tearing Saul Bass titles, through the angular ‘modern jazz’ score (which cleverly replays the same theme throughout in various styles and cuts of goatee) to those early and rather tasty crane shots, this box office floperoo sets itself up right away as heir very presumptive to the all-conquering Hitchcock bandwagon, then still perceived as the peak of suspense filmmaking in Psycho‘s considerable wake, even though Sir Alf had by this stage pretty much shot his portly wad and was reduced to farting about with back projection, mirrors and the annoying Tippi Hedren. This superficially shameless coattail-riding, plus the commercial failure, has marked this film out as yet another cobblers ‘me too’ knock-off among the more quince-headed of opinion-formers. And do you know, there’s a good chance they’ve got it all wrong.

The Carol Lynley Mysteries We know things were a bit Dickensian in 1960s British schools, but making escalators from severed children's heads is, we think, an apocryphal punishment

The talent lines up thus – in the American corner, there’s Otto Preminger. Oh, all right, he’s Viennese, but right now, in what people who want to sound serious and knowledgeable without saying much of any interest at all would call his ‘late period’ – more usefully described as halfway between Anatomy of a Murder and Skidoo, and not just in chronological terms as we’ll see – he’s as American a director, in the respected sense at least, as you can get. He’s backed up by Columbia, a much-maligned studio, but a big one from the Golden Hollywood Era nonetheless. This is, we’re clumsily trying to say, an American film as far as Variety would be concerned. ‘YANKS GO SWINGING FOR BRIT-SET SUSPENSER,’ they’d no doubt muse, in their pithy, Enigma Code style.

Now for the Brits. Otto’s helped out with photography by Denys Coop, whose CV is a roll-call of British Film Forever-approved classics – This Sporting Life, Billy Liar, 10 Rillington Place, Ryan’s Daughter – interspersed with a goodly amount of Creamguide favourites – A Home of Your Own, Asylum, Three Cases of Murder, Superman II. He knows how to point a camera at Sylvia Syms without getting his thumbs in front of the lens, let’s put it that way. And some of the stuff he gets up to here under Premo’s tutelage – crazy angles, under lighting, some terrific tracking shots (an escape scene through a hospital boiler room looks frankly amazing) is as outstanding as the best bits of Bolex business any of the above have to offer. Plus it’s all shot in the official best format ever – widescreen, black and white, sharp and crisp and wildly uneven. Your eyes won’t start to stray idly off the screen and over to that poster of the chimp on the lavvy, we guarantee.

Rod! Er, her!

Then comes the script. Now, this is taken from a novel by Evelyn Piper, a Pennsylvanian old maid who seems as Yankee Doodle as they come. But look at that synopsis again. Stick seventy-odd years on Bunny and she becomes Miss Froy, the equally mysterious vanishee off of The Lady Vanishes, which is as English as they come. (Voice from the Back: ‘Yes, but that was itself adapted from The Wheel Spins by one Ethel White, who was from Wales! Aaaaaah!’ Creamguide: ‘Pipe down, rub-a-dub!’) And anyway, that novel’s been stripped down and decked out according to the tastes of screenwriters John and Penelope Mortimer, he penning this in between sketches for post-TW3 satire show BBC3 (wonder if he did that musical number about groovy bus conductors in flares that Bill Oddie was in?), she having just had her book The Pumpkin Eater bunged on the big screen by a certain H Pinter. All things considered, them writes good.

So Americans call the shots, wield the cash and stump up for the half-time Bovril, but the script and camerawork – the guts of any decent film – are as British as nationalised Marmite. Confused? You will be, as we get to the cast and the meat of the whole film, in which Uncle Sam is similarly held to ransom by plucky little John Bull and his pork pie-eating chums. Columbia naturally insisted the young sexy leads are as apple pie as they are frighteningly blonde; all the other parts call for character (Hollywood slang for ‘proper’) actors. And character actor at this point in time meant British actor. (OK, you could still have had Edward Everett Horton, but he was busy that year impersonating a chicken in prestigious TV series like Batman and F Troop.) Basically, think of this film’s cast, and indeed plot, as a version of the Dad’s Army titles, but with US flags on the British arrows and British insignia where the swastikas were. Trust us, it’ll help in the long run.

Now, bearing all this wearisome theorising in mind, let’s run down the cast, but via the scenic route rather than Columbia’s preferred billing order. Ann Lake’s landlord is Horatio Wilson, played by Noel Coward in full-on bravura style. A self-styled ‘poet, playwright, dropper of alcoholic bricks’ just in from ‘wettest Worcester’, though now sadly reduced to voice-overs on the BBC (his voice ‘seems to unleash whole hurricanes of passion in the breasts of the females who watch me’) and singing ‘rude old welsh ballads [...] and all in exchange for one whisky, served to me in the first aid room’. Meantime, he shambles around the apartments he owns, peering at the Lakes’ comings and goings, in a moth-eaten cardigan, and more often than not toting a lapdog under his arm. He’s that ‘Don’t you have dogs in Calcutta?’ guest off of Fawlty Towers in emaciated Robert Morley form, and as such could not be a jot more perniciously horrifying even if he was given a talking umbrella and the ability to fly up into your knickers.

Noel! Alternative image text writer eyes going home time on clock!

Coward takes a supercilious dislike to the Lakes immediately, in the manner of most middle-class Brits looking down their brandy-sniffing noses at their rich but unforgivably uncultured, pastrami-scoffing, faucet-turning, Transatlantic brethren. Bunny’s name is a sticking point, for instance. it reminds Coward of bunny rabbits, ‘with those long mean heads and those wet noses going up and down all the time’. He’s brilliantly, sinisterly superior, sarcastic and snooty. Perhaps things go a bit too overtly sinister when he reveals his collection of sadistic toys, including a whip which he runs over his cheek in a mightily off-putting shot, and that old favourite of ’60s gentlemen perverts, the skull of the Marquis De Sade (‘at least, that’s what they told me in the Caledonian Market’).

And the list of character gems doesn’t stop there. Upstairs at the school, there’s lonely old Martita Hunt, the school’s founder, who sits with the blinds drawn amongst her sinister collection of children’s ephemera. Elsewhere in the building Anna Massey, the school’s headmistress, is domineering and dotty by turns, arguing over the proper consistency of the children’s junket with Lucie Mannheim’s bolshy Germanic cook.

As the louchely antagonistic Superintendent Newhouse, Olivier is – like, duh – great. he’s understated compared to both the British fruity turns and the hysterical corn of the Yanks, but he never fades into that richly-detailed background – he goes on quietly building up a genuinely complex and original take on the old ‘maverick detective’ chestnut. Often he seems not to care much about the case, breaking off into random snippets of folk wisdom (‘bus conductors are rarely observant, they tend to be dreamers, philosophers, that sort of thing’) or pure whimsy (Greek poetry is ‘like a Welsh person gargling with molasses’). He even digs ravenously into Mannheim’s school junket to sustain him on his beat. But soon he does get more involved, showing Lynley an old family snap of his taken at Cromer sands on a dull August afternoon. It’s a significant moment for another reason, as this sort of thing – a dreary fragment of old British nostalgia – is exactly what this picture sounds like, in terms of its dialogue, even if it looks pin sharp, well-composed and deep focussingly, slickly American.

Look, you know what this is Noel! 2!

The Americans themselves are bound to look flat against all this, and the pair chosen here are especially prostrate. Kier Dullea, as ever, lives up to the first syllable of his surname with an all-American jut-jawed performance that could only get good reviews from the Forestry Commission. But poor old Ann Lake (Carol Lynley), the uber-earnest American in trouble, gets it from both barrels. As well as Coward’s non-stop smarm-up, Olivier’s detective doesn’t much like her tone. And it’s easy to see why – she’s a sub-Hitchcock blonde, a Tippi Hedren-style vacuum from a by-the-numbers whodunit fallen into an Ealing comedy where everyone delights in their fruity one-liners and finicky character traits. What’s she got? A beehive and a startled expression? Hopeless! You’re not trying, dear. (As an aside, the studio wanted Jane Fonda to play Ann Lake, who might have put a bit more character into things, but maybe that’s just what Preminger, who vetoed that little decision, didn’t want.)

Speaking of character, we’re not yet finished with those fruity Brits. Finlay Currie is the kindly doll-maker who Lynley goes to in desperation. Bunny’s doll was sent to be mended, if they can find it that’s surely proof she’s not mad. Her search through the shop is made even weirder by inappropriately twee and upbeat music, as the place – all creepy flea-bitten toys shot by flashlight – looks hideous. This level of quality even goes down to the bit-parts – Richard Wattis’s stubbornly unhelpful shipping clerk, and John Sharp’s fingerprint duster, full of morbid seen-it-all gallows humour. Then there are blink-miss turns from the likes of Kika Markham, Adrienne Corri, Percy Herbert and even Tim Brinton (as himself, reading a news bulletin, which interrupts a too-long clip of The Zombies warbling away on the telly – Just Out of Reach, yeah, very subtle – in a wincingly gratuitous nod to Swinging London, which otherwise hardly figures in the film, concerned as it is with degradation of the Olde Worlde variety). Even in a late scene, when Lynley is finally driven mad by the barrage of hostile character actors and runs in desperation through crowded night time Soho, the seedy type she’s momentarily accosted by is no less a monocled personage than Fred Emney (‘Ello, my dear! What about a little drink and a dance?’) Sympathy with her has, needless to say, now risen from just above zero to bell-ringing heights.

All this welter of well-bred eccentricity and crumpet-munching terror builds up to that ending. Much has been written about the rightness or wrongness of the final reveal, and we won’t give it all away here, as this is a proper whodunit-style suspense film (‘No-one admitted while the clock is ticking!’ ran the tagline in true Psycho fashion). Suffice to say, it’s a very, very odd ending, almost queasily so, in a Last of the Timelords ‘Oh no, don’t bloody go there!’ stylee. But unlike that, it does make a nasty kind of sense out of the disjointedness that’s gone before, even if it’s some way off from the lofty total satisfaction of a classic Sherlock Holmes or Thriller denouement.

Pub! Brinton!

Then again, satisfaction is hardly what this sort of murder mystery is offering – unless, like Coward, you’re perversely up for a bit of sadistic discomfiting comfort. A cosy, Sunday afternoon, all-ends-tied-up pipe-and-slippers thriller this is not, unless the pipe’s lead and the slippers concrete. You’ll leave not on the safe note of a fireplace denouement, but the discordant note of that omnipresent jerky jazz score, with overtones of Lynley’s frightened sigh of a voice and that chorus of sinister children.

After you’ve folded up a napkin and scraped all that unpleasant taste off your tongue though, what remains is, in the end, oddly cockle-warming. More than a simple mystery, it’s a catalogue of derangement, with the top prizes going to those lovely old Brits. As we’ve said, this was a time when the US studios decided the UK – well, all right then, certain unbombed bits of North London – was where it was at it-wise, and what we’re  seeing here is a transition from fruity Brits making cameos as butlers, dowagers and astonished grandees in all-American films, to Yank leading actors being shipped over the pond and thrown in amongst them. Finally, we get to meet the yanks on our terms, our lovely batty old character actors get a rare chance to play at home, and grasp it with both hands. And the result, as we see, is delirious panic, but always with a salty tang of black comedy running through it. But Brit viewers shouldn’t get too comfortable, because the most chilling ending of all is still to be played out, as we read: ‘Reese Witherspoon is developing a remake of Bunny Lake which she will produce and star in.’ A return match? Please, no!

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Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?

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1969

THE PLOT: Er… can we get back to you on that one?

We’ve always been fascinated by this film. Well, the idea of it, at any rate. For one, Joan Collins is in it, which is “price of admission alone” territory round our way. Secondly, while not actually possessing a copy of the original Pop Goes the Weasel Decca 45, we’ve always had a soft spot for Anthony Newley too, and as his ratings-shedding but fondly-remembered old ATV sitcom The Strange World of Gurney Slade is often bracketed with this film, it surely demands a look. Dick Hills and Sid Green, the Slade writers, aren’t enlisted here, though – it’s almost all Newley’s own work. Could that, coupled with the quadrupled running time, prove a setback? Well…

We open on… a beach. White sand, blue skies, yadda yadda. We’re in Malta, but it hardly matters – this is the beach of Anthony Newley’s mind. Weston-Super-Mare at low tide would have done just as well. Fellini did a film which started on a beach, La Strada. This is no mere coincidence. Tone loves Fellini almost as much as he loves Tone. He’s anxious for us to know that he Knows His Stuff, Federico-wise. As such, there’ll be comparisons of the two throughout this little jaunt – oh, the possibilities!

These stills are in no particular order. Well, if the film itself can't be bothered... Arse!

And here’s the lad himself, sporting the daftest pair of outsize sunglasses since Sunnie Mann took to the world stage. As the beach scenes appear to solarise (or is it just the shoddiness of the print? As with much of the visual goings-on here, it’s hard to sift the intentional effect from the pure cockup) a knowingly portentous voiceover bigs up Our Tone. “Written in the sands of time… the magic quill of an Aristophanes…” Christ. This had better get very good very fast.

And it does! Patricia Hayes is in the house! Well, a sort of make shift beach hut to be honest, crammed with props and cans of film – it’s a symbolic hut, you understand. Hayes is Newley’s ever-doting mum Gracie here, you see, and she’s accompanied by his two kids, played by… his two kids. Yep, little Alex and Tara are sat on Pat’s lap throughout, looking confused, bored and in considerable discomfort. It’s almost like a mirror. Presumably this experience, combined with an unwieldy chunk of inherited wealth, dissuaded young Alex from following his dad into the limelight, though of course Tara is an in-demand voice-over talent, with GMTV pre-school cartoon Cubeez (she was the one with glasses, oh, you must remember!) and a concept album about garlic under her belt. Honestly.

And here’s the first outing of those singular vocal talents. “Shall we sing Happy Birthday, daddy?” Yes, it’s Tone’s 40th, and he’s feeling a tad morose. Not as morose as Pat and the Newley Juniors though, who have to sit there while Tone lays his mid-life crisis cobblers on them. He’s about to embark on a lengthy bout of soul searching, we find, to establish “the plain, bare-bottomed facts”. Fair enough, let’s get on with it.

Before we can do that, though, here comes a bloke in white suit, white gloves, white brolly and white panama hat. Emerging from a basket. Singing to himself in a gravelly baritone. Then vanishing, Rentaghost style. Fair enough, let’s get on with it.

Finally we do, as Newley gets the beach-bound projector rolling. “I’d like a Piccadilly Lilly of my own!” Yes, on the film, on a stage (but still on the beach) it’s Bruce Forsyth as Newley’s fictional uncle, one J Poindexter Limelight, dressed in bashed stovepipe hat and enormous, Union Jack-trimmed flares, belting out cockney songs on a battered upright, while Newley, in Pierrot make-up and costume and with Thunderbird-style strings emerging from limbs (Oh, the symbolism!) looks dopily on. Things are looking up.

Brucie cautions the young Tone on the perils of showbiz in his best music hall cockney toff voice. “Forget the theatre! She’s a strumpet! A harlot! A whore!” He rises from the piano and we discover he’s on stilts. Is there anything this man can’t do? But the best is yet to come, as Brucie gets his big number, On the Boards, a breakneck paean to the roar of the greasepaint. “I love the boards… those hordes of broads!” He accompanies himself with a soft-shoe shuffle, random conjuring tricks, custard pies, Groucho walks, full-on tap dancing with cane, and then a truly virtuoso rapid tap followed by mock exhaustion, after which he keels over and a lily pops up from his coat. He’s dead! Bugger, as Brucie was top fun, more on his own terms than via the film’s turgid symbolism. Even though he clearly had even less clue about what was going on than Newley.

Pat! Clownery!

“When ya gotta go, ya gotta go…” It’s that white-clad man again, who turns out to be George Jessel, a true legend in American vaudeville circles, a veteran trouper with a career stretching back to before the First World War, known as the Toastmaster General for his consummate master of ceremony skills. A man thoroughly accustomed to public speaking, then. So why is he delivering his lines in such a distant, befuddled and thoroughly limp manner? We blame the director. Clinging to a wafer-thin concept even he doesn’t fully grasp, Newley’s handling of actors makes Kubrick look like Sidney Lumet. Jessel’s not alone in his worried cluelessness. With the likes of Brucie and Pat, this doesn’t matter so much, as they can do their respective turns over the top of the ramshackle edifice, so to speak. The Americans aren’t as adaptable, however. Jessel’s the first of several respected Yanks to truly look all at sea in this production.

And it’s entirely forgivable. Jessel’s role is as The Presence, a sort of hazily-defined angel-cum-harbinger-of-death who rocks up whenever someone’s about to drop off the twig to deliver a rambling, corny old gag. And that’s it. As rock-solid, fully-thought-through premises go, it’s right up there with The Watcher off of Tom Baker’s final Dr Who excursion. So, a woolly idea, haphazardly executed. A pattern would appear to be emerging.

By now it’s becoming clear that the whole thing is a slapdash smorgasbord of whatever ’60s-endorsed tricks can be thrown at it. Jump cuts, fish-eye lenses – is anyone directing this? Despite the scenes of Newley wielding a megaphone, and expertly threading a film projector, Tone’s attempts to convince as a filmmaker are doomed from the off. There’s real talent involved – veteran Czech photographer Otto Heller, who has The Ladykillers and Peeping Tom among his credits, mans the lens, but any half-decent movie magic he can squeeze out of Pat Hayes sat in a wicker chair is undercut by El Newley’s gallumphing fists of ham.

But back to the plot, and Brucie’s sent off in a suitably Ashes to Ashes-style funeral – still on the beach, natch. Now we see Newley (as Baby Merkin) doing Brucie’s Piccadilly Lilly song, but all lifeless and with the puppet strings still attached to his limbs. Then the kid gets out of his childhood Hackney manse via a pastiche of the old-timery spinning papers/train wheels/champagne corks montage signalling a whirlwind of showbiz success. It’s looking good – even Pat’s cheered up a bit.

It doesn’t last, though. In a puff of smoke, up pops Milton Berle, clad in a furry pantomime satyr outfit, no less. Fortunately for him, and us, the thief of bad gags quickly changes into blue jacket and shorts for the rest of the picture. He is Goodtime Eddie Filth, some kind of embodiment of showbiz sleaze, who chats the nascent Newley up and introduces Little Assistance – that is to say, the scantily-attired form of Margaret Nolan, Dink off of Goldfinger and buxom stooge to Milligan and the Carry Ons, whom Tone swiftly beds as the tide comes in – From Here to Mediocrity – while Pat sits about looking forlorn and generally being criminally wasted.

Back to the bed, and this time it’s moving about – on various fairground rides, no less, as Nolan and Newley hump away. There’s even a censor-baiting blow job scene on a merry-go-round. Now we’re into the domain the film seems most comfortable with – lashings of luridly shot comedy shagging. All remarkably chaste by present day standards of course, but it’s all done with that unmistakably unpleasant Playboy keyholder undercurrent, and indeed various Playmates have supporting roles here, allowing for a tasty bit of cross-promotion.

By now Newley’s in a tent on the beach, and a queue of birds line up to shag him – along with “the occasional exotic fruit” (cue bloke in cravat looking camply askance at the camera accompanied by comedy sound effect – he may be after the New Wave in cinematic terms, but the gags are firmly Old Hat).

Explanation for this... er, somewhere Critics = witches! Metaphor dept takes rest of afternoon off

Then it all comes to a halt – thank God. One Filigree Fondle (and oh, how the Playboy mansion must have been set on a roar the night Tone and pals sat about in the sauna thinking up those comedy women’s names) is pregnant by the wayward troubadour. Said Ms Fondle is played by Judy Cornwell, adding another arrow to her quiver full of put-upon victim roles. A wedding is hastily convened, complete with choirboys and that weirdo Ashes to Ashes priest (Julian Orchard, no less), thus identifying Cornwell’s character, for those playing along at home with that Garth Bardsley biography, as Ann Lynn, Newley’s first wife and Vince’s mum off of Just Good Friends to boot.

Now we cut to Newley at the projector, heckling his own film before anyone in the auditorium gets a chance – a deft tactic. Back in the film within the film – and if you can’t handle this level of tail-chasing you might as well bail out now as it doesn’t get any simpler – Newley dumps Rita Pinner – sorry, Ann – sorry, Filigree. Now he’s Frankie Vaughan, singing the Piccadilly Lily song (it’s an admittedly nice touch to have the same song represent his entire oeuvre) in a club. He looks like someone, but who?

Now we come to the most convoluted visual symbol in this whole ordeal. A faceless Newley, played by some poor schmo in an ill-fitting latex mask, clad in a nappy and with an outsize clockwork key sticking out of his back, humping away at some hapless bird. As a clankingly obvious metaphor for the mindless hedonism celebrated throughout the picture, it’s second to none.

Time to get dark. Filigree has a son, who has spina bifida and dies, and we get a grim beach funeral, this time with a fun-size coffin, and Orchard once more doing his duties. What’s disturbing here is not the scene itself, but the fact that Newley feels able to tack up real events like this in this way. Self-importance clearly has its uses, as is demonstrated when the scene abruptly stops and we’re into a painfully drawn-out exchange between Tone as projectionist and Tone as director. If anyone cared a jot about his personal quest for the truth at the outset, even they’ll surely have packed in all toss-giving commitments by now.

We’ve now just reached the half-hour point in this film.

Dairy Box? Or the long-defunct Good News? Fellini-esque cool, purchased by the yard

Milton Berle returns to the fray, knocking up a radio-controlled animatronic bunny girl with plastic comedy breasts played, not by an actual bunny girl, but another Carry On stalwart, Sally Douglas. Appropriate, in a way, as she prances about like a clockwork Truly Scrumptious, being chased by our priapic protagonist in a sped-up chase sequence straight out of late-period Benny Hill. See, this is the sort of thing that seems so promising in theory – low comedy mixed with “high” art – but this film can’t do either with much success. The failure is perhaps more pronounced with the arty side of things. Newley clearly thinks he’s doing a Fellini with this priests/graves/beaches/double bed schtick. He isn’t. Tony Hart made more intellectually stimulating use of a beach in Vision On, and he only had use of a stick and a bit of seaweed.

Now for another heart-sinking moment, as not only do we find ourselves in yet another self-reflexive scene – this time with two scriptwriters arguing the toss over a battered IBM Golfball – but one of those writers is none other than Stubby ‘Rockin’ the boat’ Kaye. And yes, once again a big name US vaudevillian gives a confused, directionless performance. At least he looks healthier than Jessel. Tone walks up to contest the finer points of the storyline with him. “Chicken licken, what a ratfink!” The screenplay won a British Writer’s Guild award, apparently. Heady times, the late 1960s.

We’ve reached the point where Newley writes a Broadway show, which presumably must be standing in for Stop the World, I Want to Get Off. For a mercy, we’ve finally made it off that sodding beach, and into a garden at dusk. And here, at last, is Joan! In a ludicrous pink frilly number, and being escorted by top comic actor Desmond Walter-Ellis to boot! This could be good.

Then again… Newley starts off the evening with a cod-Shakespearean “we hope you enjoyeth our humble play” intro. The show itself is a lot of second-rate miming in Harlequin outfits, detailing – wheels within wheels! – the story of Merkin/Newley’s life thus far, a sort of bastardised version of Stop the World itself. Well, that’s a possibility, at least – it could just as easily be an old Three Stooges routine revived by a UCLA performing arts group. Joan seems to love it at any rate, and that’s what counts.

La Collins, really hyping up her Rank starlet elocution, plays one Polyester Poontang (oh, do stop it, Aggers!), and is clearly smitten with the white-faced Newley. But sadly she quickly fades from the story, as we get another self-pitying barroom scene. A sozzled Tone, at the peak of his theatrical triumph, drowns his sorrows by singing Poor Punchinello, although sadly it’s not the version John Walters’ ex-pipe-mending workmate used to croon – it goes on for rather longer then the optimum five seconds. In full-on musical effect Newley comes over as a cross between London Bye Ta-Ta era Bowie (fair enough, as the latter shamelessly ripped off the former, nasal wail-wise) and, it has to be said, Mike Yarwood in “This… is me” mode. It’s probably the hair that’s to blame for that, but once the resemblance is clocked it’s hard to shake off.

What’s that, you say? The film’s gone ten minutes without a tiresome bit of self-referential folderol? We can fix that, as on come The Critics, a trio of variously uptight sneering demagogues declaiming flatulent soundbites rubbishing this entire venture. Only problem is, when two of them are the excellent Rosalind Knight and Victor Spinetti, it’s difficult to side with Tone, especially when their epithets include “This whole thing is self-glorification of a masturbatory level” and “I blame Fellini for this”. This is the sound of a man self-possessed enough to make a film about making a film about his early life, but still not quite confident enough not to cover his arse with this second-guessing mock deprecation. Come on, man! If you think people will want to roll up to watch a hagiographical musical about you, go for it all the way! Turning up on screen, as you do now, to refer disparagingly to “this facuckter film”, while cute, should not be an option. Just get on with it!

Brucie! Joanie!

Milty comes to the rescue – he gives Tone some drugs, making smoke come out of his ears. In these troubled times, it’s a start. Then two blokes playing producers roll up and demand Newley come up with an ending. Tone, however, will not be cowed by the soulless demands of the bankers and moneymen. The fact that this film was mostly bank-rolled by Newley himself, and produced by him under his own production company Taralex (named after the kids – how sweet!) in no way undermines the thrust of this scene.

OK, now things get sticky again. Newley explains to Tara his predilection for “young women”. Groo. What’s coming up is The Mercy Humppe sequence. The producers and writers would rather Tone didn’t bother with this. But to hell with them, eh? Yep, Mercy Humppe waltzes on, a Playboy centrefold sat on a pig-themed merry-go-round. Tone moves in for the kill with an ice-cream. “Oh, you’re Heironymus Cockpiece!” Cue that symbolic faceless Newley. Tone croons a ditty, getting more Bowie-esque by the second. “Down’t be a-fried to laaahve!” This whole sequence is filmed aboard a merry go round spinning at full tilt – great cinema, cheers.

We’re an hour in now. Imagine the cinemas where this used to play – how many people would still be sat about at this point? Who would have turned up in the first place? Truly it was a different medium back then. Now Milty sings a gravelly number over a grim Merkin-Humppe shag in the straw. Poor Pat’s still trying to follow this shite as best she can. She looks well out of it. Don’t worry, love, only a couple of years to go until Edna.

Uh-oh. Scantily clad dancers assemble dressed as the signs of the zodiac. This could go on for a bit. Ah, here comes Joan again. “I remember you! You’re that movie star, Heironymus Jockstrap!” Well, if it works once… This is, presumably, a recreation of their first date together, which in real life Newley insisted on filming in its entirety. Here, though, film Newley enlists faceless Newley to chat up Joan in cartoon speech bubbles. It works!

And now for Joan’s song, the ineffable Chalk and Cheese. “How did you get into my horoscope, you funny, irascible, lovable dope?” Oh, lord! Plus point – the zodiac dancers strutting their stuff to the song’s cha-cha-cha middle eight. Minus point – the sight of Newley’s bare arse. “I don’t mind chalk with my cheese.” Well, that was special.

Bugger. We’re back on the beach. And the bed again. A Pink Floyd album sleeve, that’s what it is. Here comes another version of Piccadilly Lilly, in the style of Sinatra, or maybe Tony Bennett. “When the lilacs are blooming in Piccadilly Circus, the dilly that I pickle’s gonna be you.” And here’s Joan looking bored on a bed eating chocolates! This is what we came to see!

Now an extended bit of commedia physicalia eccentrique, with Tone rushing back and forth between nookie appointments with Joan on the bed and Humppe in the grass. There’s an OK bit of comedy knackered acting from Newley – he can do the physical stuff, but the end result is still painfully unfunny. Joan puts a stop to these shenanigans about a minute too late. “Hi Darling, I’m pregnant!” Newley duly marries La Collins and dumps La Humppe. Wonder who exactly she was meant to represent? This film is showcasing a fascinating variety of novelty sunglasses if nothing else.

Back outside the film-within-the-film (presumably), Tara surveys everything with a mixture of simultaneous incomprehension and disgust. Astute. Newley calms things down. “Grandma’s crying because she didn’t understand the cyclone that came out of her womb.” We’re meant to take that line seriously, it seems. On film, Thumbelina (ie. Tara) is born on the beach bed. An ecstatic Tone sings a lullaby in a voice that would shame the worst drunken Bowie impersonator. “Woooah, oh, lullabyyyy…” While dressed as Tony Jacklin. He really does look like Mike Yarwood, you know.

Career-wise, Newley’s now firmly in his “Frankie in residence at the Sands Hotel” years. Is he doing a David Frost impression here, or has his comedy voice taken over? Oh, what’s this? A black mass scene now! With Newley humping on the altar. Ooh, it’s like Satan’s Slave relocated to the Blankety Blank set. Suddenly one feels as protective toward Joan Collins as it’s possible to be without physically becoming Christopher Biggins.

Newley sings to God in a towelling robe. “I’m all I need – If I’ve got me, I’ve got rainbows.” He’s getting lyrical assistance from Herbert Kretzmer, of She and Goodness Gracious Me fame, but still it’s hard to imagine David Jacobs selecting any of these songs for his Common Denominator slot. But he does rhyme “need people” with “a man at the top of the heap who’ll”, which all but guarantees a Tony.

Stubby and the producers are sat watching all this. They just can’t understand the endless enigma that is Anthony Newley. The audience, however, may not feel quite so awestruck by the full force of Tone’s personality, or indeed that bothered. The whole film’s been one long bout of “do you see what I did there?” We do see, Tone. And you didn’t do it very well, actually. No enigma to see here.

A furtive cameo from someone who should know better but needs the money Wide-angle symbolism ahoy!

Time for a final cod-cod-cod-Fellini cocktail party on the beach, with Newley – ye gods! – sat naked on a plastic stool. Berle feeds him acid, and the resulting trip sequence is much the same as any other. Coloured filters, in other words. And sitars. And an overdubbed heartbeat. In a swimming pool.

Berle introduces his latest tempting creation – Miss Trampolina Whambang. James Joyce takes rest of afternoon off. Her appearance heralds the final section of this increasingly wearying nutfest, and the most infamous one – The Princess and the Donkey. Much sport is made of how “dangerous” this is going to be among the cast. Tone lets the grateful kids take a rain check. “Now’s as good a time as any to go to the potty!” This is well said.

What it actually is, however, is a rather tedious “saucy” song about a princess who cops off with a mule, visually rendered in a Storybook International medieval style, with previously seen cast members playing various roles. The song is something else. “They were so surprised that their knees went wonky.” This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film, even by the flick’s own disjointed standards. Newley probably just thought it was funny. The rest of the cast beg to differ, sodding off in short order. “Well children, you’ve been very patient.”

Oh good, there’s only one more bit. It involves Icicle Ike and his ice cream bike. Fair enough, we’re nearly done here, knock yourself out. This Ike character starts feeling up Tara. Hmm. Newley punches his lights out. Erm. Eddie sneaks off with Ike much as he introduced himself to Tone – the cosmic ballet, we’re supposed to infer, continues. There was no need for any of that, surely?

George Jessel waltzes up one last time, but Newley’s ready for him, and responds with some crap gags of his own. Presto! So he’s broken away from the follies of youth, and is now a rounded, mature human being. Albeit one who makes 107 minute-long therapy musical home movies and puts them on national release.

After one more forgettable song – “Wherever the rowd my baaaaay!” Joan turns up with the cops. “Have you been here all night?” Oh, very funny. “I’m taking the children back to Europe!” Newley’s left looking forlorn in his director’s chair. This is actually the most emotionally effective scene in the film – the miserable atmosphere of the long, tiresome clearing up job after a particularly damp and unsuccessful village fete is captured to a tee. Suddenly either the money or even Newley’s interest finally runs out, and we cut to a theatrical end credit sequence with the cast taking a bow in order of importance. It’s over. We can go home now.

Tellingly, Brucie doesn’t turn up for his curtain call, appearing in clip form only. Maybe he got wind of the lewd nature of bits of the project (rumours abound of a slightly longer, x-rated print). Maybe the Busiest Man in Showbusiness, then in the midst of a labour-intensive theatrical phase of his career, simply had other commitments and had to nip back up the Palladium.

Ashes to Asparagus A furtive cameo from someone who should know better but needs the money

Or perhaps, as we like to think, he just had enough of the whole egotistical enterprise and naffed off – as soon as contractual commitments allowed, of course, bless the old pro. Because Brucie, and to a lesser extent all the old troupers Newley dragged in to this slop, would soft-shuffle a mile rather than serve up such a punter-unfriendly heap of navel gazing musical stodge. The Mighty Atom knows he’s no Great Artist, and doesn’t pretend to be. Newley, for all his arse-covering asides, does and does, respectively. But to be any good at that you’ve first got to be able to look at, and give just a little bit of a toss about, the world outside your immediate entourage and hang-ups. Tone either can’t or won’t, and turning that weakness back on itself and making it the point of the whole thing won’t fool anyone for ten minutes, let alone 107. As his own song went, “What kind of clown am I? What do I know of life?” Discuss.

Every other filmmaker in history, even Tone’s beloved Fellini, has had to sort out those initial uncertainties before getting his hands on the camera, because they know full well the process of pondering is in itself hopelessly dull. Either take a shit or get off the shovel. Don’t just hover over it reading Take a Break and expect us to fill in the word search for you.

The saddest thing is, it’s a fascinating life story. Given a decent, non-hysterical treatment by someone with appropriate distance – a biographer, or Newley himself a little further down the line – it’d be raw material you’d have to work hard to cock-up. Right in the thick of both his own and cinema’s peak years of boundless indulgence, however, Tone shoves the manuscript straight down the dunny with one effortless flush. Still, all’s not lost – Newley’s next film project after this was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – an altogether more down to Earth venture.

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Death Line

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1972

If you’re going to make a horror film in the city, London’s the city to pick. Lovingly sculpted by a generation of congenitally morbid Victorians into a maze of Gothically pointy spires and dark alleys, augmented in more recent times by forbidding concrete castles which terrify in an entirely different way, it’s a ready-made film set no Hollywood designer could possibly beat. You don’t have to go back to the nineteenth century world of pea-soupers and sinister tailcoated predators. That Victorian unease is there in the present, just under your feet, as Death Line amply demonstrates.

Outboard motors over here, sir! Teabags?

The premise: Russell Square tube station is playing host to a series of gruesome murders (including a show stopping spade-through-head) uncovered by a token boring young couple (the man played with rainforest-strength woodenness by David Ladd, son of cowboy shortarse Alan and, more pertinently, brother of the film’s producer Alan Jr.) when they find respectable civil servant James Cossins face down on the stairs. This same station was the scene of a disaster in Victorian times, when the roof collapsed on a group of tunnel workers, trapping them underground. Could these two tragedies be linked? Well, it wouldn’t be much of a film if they weren’t, and fortunately they are – in a marvellously inventive way.

In a ten minute tracking shot that would be called ‘bravura’ if it turned up in a big, grown-up arthouse flick, the source of the mayhem is revealed. To nothing more than a constant dripping noise, some ghostly echoes of the trapped workers and the odd sinister oboe stab, the wretched nest-cum-larder of the last two survivors of the tube disaster is slowly revealed as they huddle together amongst the corpses of their prey for inarticulate comfort. It’s an eerie, gruesome, funny (the only dialogue is a repeatedly mumbled ‘mind the doors’) and ultimately, as ‘The Man’ tearfully realises his partner in entombment is dying, oddly touching scene.

Delightful prop-work Snooty Lee

In stark contrast to this silent catacomb is the office of the main detective on the case, Inspector Calhoun, as played to the hilt by Donald Pleasence. Verbose, sarcastic and sporting a nasal sneer to make Ken Livingstone resemble Brian Blessed, Pleasence hits the ground running with a load of unimpressed backchat aimed at David Ladd, punctuated by the odd joyless wisecrack, grumpy old man-ism (‘Get yer hair cut!’) and howl against the minor irritations of modern coppering – paperwork and teabags, mostly. (‘Teabags? And I’ve been blaming the Indians!’) So intensive is all this, Pleasence comes over at first like some forgotten music hall turn finally given his star vehicle and furiously making up for verbal lost time.

But there’s more to it than that, and as the bodies mount up along with pressure from a supercilious MI5 man (Christopher Lee, turning in a fine day’s work with a brief cameo played entirely down the nose), Calhoun looks less like a bluff cartoon know-all and more like an increasingly knackered copper desperately trying to get the job done. A fantastic scene in which Pleasence, along with his dogged sergeant played by the reliable Norman Rossington, get sloshed in a pub to alleviate the pain of the case, demonstrates this depth to perfection. As Rossington mans the pinball table, Pleasence harangues the time-calling publican with a stream of consciousness rant that veers from music hall comedy drunk turn to very real (and frightening) rage and back again, often within the same garbled sentence. It’s an astonishing performance that would shame most critically acclaimed classic films, never mind a low budget British horror.

Glimmers in the gloom Shabby!

Two worlds, then, but with more linking them than at first seems. The police station and various other London locations are all old Victorian spaces (the shoot is a hundred per cent location work), all echoey drabness, encroaching damp and gloss paint peeling off unplastered brickwork – a much more real ‘70s London than the pile carpets and chrome tables of many a contemporary horror film. There’s a bit of socialism at work here, too – very rare for a horror film. The theory that the underground bosses didn’t try to rescue the trapped workers purely for cost-cutting reasons parallels with Calhoun’s defiant refusal to bow down to the upper class civil servants who would tell him what to do ‘on my patch’.

Pubby! Grim!

It’s a film packed with witty dialogue and directed with bags of visual flair (the opening titles, with Cossins prowling amongst the blurred neon lights of Soho, as the electronic soundtrack burbles sinisterly in the background, is a budget-beating masterpiece in itself), so it’s something of a surprise that neither director nor writer did much else. Gary Sherman (previous creative peak – that New Seekers Coke ad) went on to helm a few of the less rotten video nasties and little else, while writer Ceri Jones, art director Dennis Gordon-Orr and composer Will Malone similarly failed to set the world on fire with their demonstrably considerable talents. It’s not so much a shame as a downright mystery. You don’t think someone could be bumping them off?

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Flash Gordon

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1980

What’s not to like about Flash Gordon? Never mind high falutin’ theories of film and cinema, of narrative thrust and story arc, of the essential cosmic qualities of timeless themes married to a modern medium. What matters here is big, silly, daft, adventurous fun, qualities the average filmgoer is rather more concerned with. Rockets! Hawkmen! Big jaggy collars! Velvet catsuits! Goodies who are all good! Baddies who are all bad! Sometimes cinema really can be this simple and still be as good as anything as portentous as the avant garde can churn out.

It's only a model - well, clearly Art Deco circus paraphernalia garage sale, lot number 62

Who do we thank for this piece of knowing yet pleasingly non-ironic retro-kitsch? First of all, producer Dino de Laurentiis. The legendary Italian producer of such varied work as Hurricane (1979), Mafioso (1962), Crazy Joe (1974) on one hand, and Conan the Barbarian (1982), Manhunter (1985) and U-571 (2000) on the other, de Laurentiis is a man for whom the word ‘small’ is not familiar. When Dino makes a film he makes it big. So when he chose to create a big screen feature version of the old comic book and Universal serial character he went straight for quality and landed Mike Hodges. Well, actually he didn’t. Hodges, the director of seminal British gangster picture Get Carter (1971), is said to have been Dino’s eighth choice as director, with one of his predecessors in the chair having been for a period Laughing Nicolas Roeg. The thought of Roeg at the helm of a comic book adaptation is certainly a sobering thought. The preponderance of midgets in Flash Gordon may have something to do with a hang over from Roeg’s initial input. Thankfully, none of them appear to have made it through space and time with red duffel coats on.

Dino pulled together an art department that managed to make buckets full of coloured water look eerily like an alien stratosphere, and costumes that perfectly captured the essence of the old black and white serial. This may have backfired on him however, as his next big sci-si venture was the stupendously inept Dune (1984) a film so shoddily produced, yet at the same time so clearly expensive, it beggars belief.

Our heroes. Meh. That's more like it!

Hodges also turned up trumps. He described Flash Gordon as ‘the only improvised $27 million movie ever made’, but it was probably this laissez-faire attitude that contributed to the success of the venture. Certainly none of the leading actors are over-directed. Brian Blessed remains resolutely Brian Blessed all the way through, and reinforces his own legend as a man who could down out the sound of a nuclear test should he ever stub his toe on a door. Topol as boffin Dr Zarkov is similarly over the top, though in his particular case calling him a ham is probably a little inappropriate, and Melody Anderson and Sam J Jones (who had his dialogue dubbed for him by someone who could inflect something akin to actual feeling in his voice) do what they are required to do, which is to drive the plot forward, then get out of the way so the people we really want to see get on with it. And the people we really want to see are Max von Sydow and Peter Wyngarde.

Emperor Ming the Merciless and his odious masked sidekick Klytus are, regardless of whatever else may be going down plot-wise, what everyone wants to see. When they’re not on screen, the audience waits patiently for the next moment they are. And they’re rewarded for their patience by two great performances. Wyngarde has the harder job as he’s behind a mask, but still manages to convey with his eyes and, especially, his extraordinary voice all of the evil, malice and perversion that is required of his excellent character. He purrs and burrs like a man who has spent five years at a How to Be George Sanders night class and passed at the top of his year, so malevolently silky is his delivery. When he comes out with threats in a straightforward way, like condemning Prince Barin to death when he lands in the Hawkman Kingdom to set things right, he almost shrugs the lines off as they offer no chance to inflect some choice oily sarcasm into the lines. But when mask to face with Gordon in his cell, Wyngarde plays Klytus like a cosmic Abanazar: sarcastic, evil and funny in equal measure. It’s only a shame he wasn’t able to capitalise on it, since most people didn’t realise it was him behind the tin.

Snorkelling! Bondage!

If Wyngarde’s the prince of darkness, the king of all he surveys is von Sydow as Ming the Merciless. Clearly modelled on Charles Middleton, the Ming of the original serials, von Sydow gives one of the greatest performances of any film. He inhabits the role of Ming so completely he probably did himself no favours for many years to come, since it became almost impossible to separate Ming from Max for long enough, if ever at all. Smirking, snarling, ironic, vindictive, sadistic, self-obsessed and supremely arrogant – even with a space ship stuck in his back – von Sydow’s portrayal of the ultimate intergalactic baddie is a triumph. His is the first voice heard in the film, in voiceover for the famous, ‘Klytus, I’m bored…’ introduction, setting hairs on the back of the head on end. When the list of great film villains is compiled, Max von Sydow’s Ming the Merciless will be up there with the best of them. Don Corleone may have more credibility, but it didn’t take a spaceship to bring him down.

The other best-loved element is the extraordinary score by Queen. It’s a frightening thought that Hodges at one stage considered Pink Floyd for the gig. As it is, Brian May’s titanic guitar lines and Freddie Mercury’s properly hysterical vocals (the other two probably did something as well) provide a spine for the film as a whole; not just a tremendous theme but a superlative score altogether, with the incidental themes just as suited to the material as the more famous opening number.

Fighting! Pants!

Perhaps, as Hodges suggests, the film’s success is something of a happy coincidence. He says a film shouldn’t be over-directed, with the senior staff coming to a project with a fixed idea of how everything should turn out. If that’s the case then who knows how Flash Gordon may have turned out under some other hand. Perhaps if Roeg had stayed the distance it would have been photographed a little better and acted a lot worse. Who can say? But as it is, the multifarious strands that either come together to make a great film, or unravel in a stringy mess to leave a disastrous shuddering lump of cinematic phlegm, happily converge to leave to posterity one of the bawdiest, most garish, silly and overwrought films ever made. Bless them all!

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Horse Feathers

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1932

Unlike your Chaplins, Keatons, Laurels, Hardys and other bastions of the old school, the Marx Brothers somehow remain constantly underrated. Sure, Groucho’s long been a byword for quips, joke noses and ’80s Soho cubbyholes featuring Julie Burchill shouting obscenities at Stephen Fry, everyone knows the Night at the Opera contract sequence, and Duck Soup is shoved into ‘best of’ lists for the right reasons  as well as the wrong (ie because it’s ‘still relevant’ as a ‘satire’ – no need to explain why!). But other than that, people, when they bother at all, just can’t stop getting them wrong. They were rubbish apart from Groucho. There were only a couple of decent scenes per film. Their comedy looks embarrassingly out of date alongside dynamic modern stuff like According to Bex. The wronger they are, the louder they get. God forbid we should attempt to lay down the law on this one, but a few pointers on why one of their less-heralded films is utterly wonderful in every respect shouldn’t go amiss this season, surely?

"Members of the faculty... faculty members." B Forsyth take note! Strictly come matriculating?

The first thing that strikes you about Horse Feathers is what they haven’t bothered with. In their first film, the unexcitingly titled The Cocoanuts, the brothers played what comics were traditionally reduced to – the comic relief. Despite it nominally being their show, they’re only to the fore as much as the half-baked jewel thief plot, chorus lines and feeble romantic interludes will allow. And when they do get the stage, they sound nervous, uneasy and, a lot of the time, almost inaudible. Three films later however, they finally get the upper hand. In fact, it’s gone completely in the other direction. At least Monkey Business had a ship’s captain and a gangster for the brothers to run rings around. Here no-one in authority gets more than a snout round the door. Stiff and starchy professors dance about to Groucho’s ace double song, Connie Bailey’s fancy man disappears as soon as he’s become properly threatening, and the two footballing heavies Harpo and Chico are sent to kidnap are never going to keep the pair detained for long when they can pull the old ‘sawing a hole in the floor’ routine not once, but twice.

Lapel-grasping dullards claim this as a weakness. Comedy needs a bedrock of reality, they say, an emotional truth that allows you to identify with the characters. Great comedy comes not from gag after gag, but something deeper, from within the shared experience of every… But by this time either you’ve fallen asleep or they have. It all sounds good and worthy. It sounds like it’s Taking Comedy Seriously and respecting it as an artform and all that tackle. But it isn’t, it’s just loading comedy with creaky old formal rules it doesn’t need. Scholars and reviewers like to do this, to bring comedy into their easily manageable realm, in the same way journalists have their biographical ‘emotional fuck-up’ rule for great comedians. A load of Poldark, all of it, and Horse Feathers is demonstration enough of the inherent uselessness of all this greasy Lawsonian postulation.

Introducing the stooge Cue ludicrously ancient pop culture references

Between the adoption of sound in the ’20s and the rise of screwball comedy in the late ’30s, American funny films were, with the notable exception of the great silent age survivors, not that funny. Freshly liberated from playing five shows a day, music hall artists crowded onto sound stages to string together half a dozen sketches in eerily audience-free revues, but although the likes of Wheeler and Woolsey, Jack Oakie and Eddie Cantor could adapt a bit further to a sort-of narrative film, the stuff they turned out fails to preserve the whateveritwas that made them big on the Pantages Time and all those arcane vaudeville circuits spoken of in hushed tones by playbill-hoarding archivists on well-meaning but tackily produced AFI tribute specials. They played fish out of water in the desultory plots they were given, but the same was true in reality, and as the studios owned the pond, they had the bigger say in what went on. Not so the Marxes, who, under the aegis of their formidable mum, had built up a repertoire of ‘legitimate’ musical comedies, which were not only considered ‘classier’ by theatrical snobs (including said mum), but also gave the O-Boys the upper hand when they arrived on set with a full-length film almost complete. From Animal Crackers on, Paramount was working increasingly on their terms.

What was that password again? Classic street kookery from Adolph (as was)

It’s a testament to this unique state of affairs that you have to keep reminding yourself Horse Feathers is three quarters of a century old. Technical quality, period references and costumes aside, it keeps failing to participate in that seldom-explained process critics call ‘dating’. It’s not as if these films were made with an eye on posterity after all – two months in theatres and down the hatch, as far as anyone was concerned. Nowadays films are made to a five-year plan involving worldwide syndication, TV and DVD rights, pens, mugs, first option on ‘knowing’ reference to key scene in Shrek IV et al, and yet your average Will Ferrell vehicle seems tired and old-fashioned before the opening credits have run their course. Making comedy, like cycling to High Wycombe, is not something that benefits much from constant anxious glances over the shoulder.

Some say all comedy pre-His Girl Friday is creaky and ponderous by today’s yardstick. With all due respect to that fantastic film, bollocks. Horse Feathers has little more than an hour to make its mark, so no time is wasted. The set-up is high concept indeed – Groucho is the incoming president of a college. A lesser, newer comedy would have a lengthy, tiresomely logical preamble explaining how this unlikely event came to pass, perhaps with a tedious montage sequence, and maybe the odd joke if anyone round the table remembers. Not so here – Groucho’s giving his inaugural address within a minute of that cartoon horse naffing off, slagging off the college, slagging off Zeppo, singing two songs, holding a mock auction, dancing about and even finding time to cram in a plot point.

Look at them and go 'bluuuurgh'... Pace-for-pace lecture ruination

This last is obviously the least important, and indeed by the middle of the next scene (the famous speakeasy sketch) it’s all but forgotten. The speakeasy bit has the best and worst of the boys, and it shows rather neatly
how the dreary world of early ’30s romantic comedy is given short shrift by each brother in turn. While Groucho mugs to camera and confuses and insults anyone who dares play it remotely straight, and Chico takes the stereotyped ‘idiot/immigrant’ role and carries it so far off into the realms of oblique dimness he starts to look almost bright, Harpo blunders effortlessly in and out as if he were part of some silent film from a decade ago the projectionist spliced into this picture by accident. This goes double for the ‘wooing of Connie Bailey’ scene, where Groucho, Chico, Zeppo and straight blokey walk in and out of doors, sit on and off laps, play the
piano, take the piss out of the piano-playing bit etc., while Harpo just repeatedly walks through the room with a lump of ice and lobs it out the window. Blowsy oafs who subscribe to the ‘Groucho was the only funny one’ canard need to watch these scenes on waking every day until they get a bit cleverer.

'Let's get away from all this...' 'A wise guy, eh?' Oh no, that was the other lot.

This winning spirit – Groucho attacking the film with ahead-of-his-time cynicism, Harpo gleefully running rings around it in antiquated silence, Chico proudly refusing to understand any of it – is infectious enough to let them get away with murder. And they do. Even when the gags are neither funny nor timeless, somehow you can’t quite bring yourself to care. The ‘swordfish’ password routine is one of the most quoted bits of verbal business in cinema history, yet it’s full of eye-rolling rubbish – the sturgeon/surgeon line, for instance, and the exchange – “What do you take for a haddock?” “Sometimes aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calomel.” “Say, I’d walk a mile for a Calomel!” “You mean chocolate Calomel!” A bit of gerontological digging reveals Calomel was a vomit-inducing medicine made from mercury, and “I’d walk a mile for a Camel” was a fag ad slogan. Neither have seen much action since the war. So there you have an exchange that needs to be comprehensively researched before it can even be dismissed as unfunny, yet still no-one’s put off the sketch in the slightest. This is robust stuff!

'Was that you or the duck?' High-waisted hell to pay

It’s also threadbare. The endless tours and rewrites that would mark the best of the MGM pictures weren’t in Paramount’s budget. Sets were hastily improvised or nicked from other productions, and the cameramen were never allowed enough time to work out where Groucho and co were going to be next, hence all the aimless pans and weird cut-offs. Scenes fade out without a decent punchline, and sometimes with no punchline at all. The film was meant to end with a set-piece fire destroying the college, but in the end we just fade out from the ballgame to a throwaway gag wherein Connie ends up marrying all the Marx brothers at once (except Zeppo, the only one who was seriously interested in her, natch). And, as no-one’s ever bothered to restore the thing properly, the action chops and jerks in places like a four-year-old rented print of Clash of the Titans at an end-of-term film show. This should matter. But, again, it doesn’t. The pin-sharp lighting and ballooning budgets of the MGM pictures may not have hindered the brothers (initially, at least) but there’s no evidence either here or there to suggest it helped in any way.

Oh for the days when underwear was inherently hilarious ... and sportswear, doubly so

The lesson to take from all of this sounds like a rather wet moral from an episode of Hey Arnold! written down, namely that a comedy film needs total self-assurance and zero self-consciousness in order for it to even begin pointing in the general direction of being any good at all. If we could make ourselves heard over the sound of the Earth failing to shatter at that revelation, we’d go on to add that this really is the only rule worth bothering with. While ‘discipline’ is obviously necessary for writing comedy (as if it’s unnecessary for doing anything properly) it has to come from that proper starting point, not a bunch of goat-sired tittle-tattle masquerading as stone-carved commandments.

Final scene - all laws of plot development thrown out the window This is still illegal in 46 states

When John Cleese started taking scriptwriting classes in order to give A Fish Called Wanda ‘the proper structure’ it was by no means a foregone conclusion that the resulting screenplay would be at least 50% pain-in-the-arse mechanical plotmongery, but the odds against it lengthened considerably. It was a fatal mistake to put the narrative cart before the horseplay – if Fawlty Towers wasn’t crammed with high-grade tomfoolery, no-one would bother cooing over its elaborately constructed plots today. Still, the usefulness of Horse Feathers as an educational tool for comic lubbers is its least important virtue. It’s first and foremost a prime example of unabashed, undiluted, concentrated comedy, and it hardly needs recommendation from us to ensure its immortality. But anyway, how good is Horse Feathers? Well, very very indeed, thanks.

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Jaws

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1975

Yes, JAWS was the original summer blockbuster with over 67 million Americans seeing it at the pictures, and certainly it was the first film to break the $100 million mark at the box office, so okay, it is now seen as the model action film which has been studied within an inch of its life in film schools since the first nanosecond after its release and u-huh, it remains hugely influential and yeah, yeah, yeah, the central performances mark it out as a cut above the pack as regards artistic credibility. But when it comes down to brass tacks, is JAWS any good? Well, yes it is, it’s brilliant. Let’s briefly discuss why.

jawstit

THAT ALTERNATIVE CAST IN FULL
The most popular load of reminiscent retrospective rubbish spouted about JAWS always concerns the various alternate casts, as if every film ever doesn’t go through a plethora of possibilities about who’s going to be in it, some suggestions for which will inevitably come to be seen as a bit eccentric. But wonks tend to go a bit over the score with their criticism of the once-mooted alternatives JAWS, judging as they do the very thought of the producers having ever entertained the slightest notion of filling out the main parts with other perfectly good, competent actors who no doubt would have done an at least adequate job, as being on a par with having invited Reg Varney, Bob Grant and Stephen Lewis to assume command of the triumvirate of leads.

Spielberg has long insisted that Roy Scheider was always his first choice for Chief Brodie, and that may well have been the case, but it certainly doesn’t mean the studio didn’t have its own ideas and in fact Jon Voight was a shoo-in for it for a long while as far as the suits in the Lear jets were concerned. It’s easy to throw sweaty palms up in horror at the thought of something like that but really, how bad would it have been? Well actually, knowing Voight it would probably have been bloody awful but luckily Scheider had only recently scored a very palpable hit with THE FRENCH CONNECTION and so the studio agreed with Steve on that one.

Another personality on the Spielberg `to do’ list was Sterling `9 to 5′ Hayden as Quint, who we reckon might just have been great. But Hayden was having trouble with the US tax authorities at the time, it says here, and couldn’t be made available. In an effort to get round Hayden’s perceived problems the producers, Richard Zanuck and David Brown, considered paying Hayden union minimum for his acting but then commissioning a redundant story from him to beef up his pay packet to acceptable levels but it was eventually decided it was too risky and they just let him go. What isn’t commonly known, and what Zanuck and Brown obviously didn’t know, was that during this period Hayden was actually quite happily getting pissed everyday on his narrow boat in Paris with a mate of ours and didn’t give a toss about making a film about monster sharks, especially one that was being shot in the middle of the ocean (and not even one of the nice warm oceans at that). So he passed up while pissed up en Paris, as t’were. The truth therein lies partially in the fact that when Robert Shaw, another monumental piss-head, finally climbed aboard as the gnarly captain of the Orca he was having precisely the same tax problems but, being well short of beer vouchers at the time, was found more willing.

Famously Richard Dreyfus also proved initially elusive at the outset and commented, upon seeing the script, that he would rather watch the film than see it. However, by the time shooting had almost started and Dreyfus had had time to consider both the essential quality of the role and the even more salient fact that he was skint and out of work, he made the conscious decision to watch it first hand after all.

Other names suggested for the various parts included Lee Marvin, Chorlton Heston, Jeff Bridges, Jan Michael-Vincent, Harrison Ford, James Robertson Justice, Robin Askwith, Peter Butterworth, Hugh Paddick and Henry Hall on the piano.

FISH FACTS AMAZING!
Shaw’s character Quint got his name `cos he’s the fifth person in the story to be killed.

shark shark

WHEN SHARKS STOP SWIMMING THEY SINK
This innocent little marine biological factoid is pretty universally known so it seems fitting that not only do actual real sharks sink when they stop swimming, so do big rubber ones, too (although to claim that the rubber shark in JAWS ever actually swam in the first place would be to exaggerate wildly). But the fault doesn’t really lie with Spielberg here but on the dearth of special effects wallahs available in the mid-70s. Since all this took place a few years before George Lucas turned Marin County into the world’s premiere geek sanctuary, and a decade before Peter Jackson stumbled across the possibilities of rice pudding and dried macaroni, it occurred that when Spielberg went out looking for a SFX industry to construct for him a giant manoeuvrable life-sized great white shark, well, there wasn’t one. And don’t think that Steve didn’t ask around since the inability to produce a monster shark in a film about a monster shark is rather a deal breaker.

As luck (!) would have it however, Spielberg eventually stumbled across ancient B-movie derelict Robert A. Mattey who had built the giant squid thing for Disney’s 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea twenty years previously. When asked the crucial question of whether or not he was in a position to construct what they needed – a usable, working, believable model – Mattey cheerfully responded, “Yes!” carefully neglecting to give the real answer which was actually, “No!”. Still, Spielberg left Mattey with the answer he wanted to hear and was well pleased having contracted him to build three models, one that moved left/right, another that went up/down and one more on a big trolley for use in shots to be taken in the tank back at the lot in beautiful downtown Burbank.

Now, since the rest of the film was being shot on location in Martha’s Vineyard off of the coast of Massachusetts on the east coast no-one paid much attention to Mattey while he was busy mixing papier mache in a bucket in California, at least not until the two sharks they were to film with finally arrived. Doubtless out of the water they looked pretty impressive and menacing and all that, with all their parts wiggling just as planned, but their principal drawback was that, when put in the water – which is, after all, a shark’s preferred medium – they sank. Like a stone. Rather a problem but not insurmountable if one was to apply a little buoyancy one might think. The real trouble was that in the construction Mattey had used electric solenoids for the motor functions which of course shorted out the minute they were brought into contact with salt water. Now that was a problem.

Famously the result of all this was that Spielberg was forced to use the camera to imply the presence of the shark far more than he would have originally planned at the outset lending the whole affair a more menacing, hidden danger tone. But, to be frank, we’re not sure about this and suspect that whole line has been used as a device for Spielberg to romanticise the process of the production of the film, success in the teeth of adversity and all that, which always sounds very good. But when you consider Spielberg’s obsession with films like CAT PEOPLE and all the shadowy never-really-see-the-monsters action that takes place therein we’d bet that the minimal use of the models was pretty much as planned. As it is, whenever the shark does turn up it actually looks pretty good (as long as you only see it in bits, otherwise it looks rubbish): the first “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” bit, the brief appearance in the lagoon and the Kitner sprog going down in a one-er all work just fine. Mind you, the all but last shot of it racing toward Brodie on the boat with it’s mouth flapping about looks a bit ropey. But all in all it’s not bad at all and probably looks far better than if it had been CGId up, which it doubtless would be now, inevitably rendering its appearing slightly out of focus.

FISH FACTS AMAZING!
The muffled roaring sound of the dead shark descending at the end is actually the sound of Spielberg throttling Robert A. Mattey played as if through water.

shark shark

SHARKS EAT PEOPLE, EVEN REALLY LITTLE PEOPLE
Once it became apparent that the baking powder-powered Pathetic Shark provided for JAWS was about as convincing as Kevin Spacey’s `butch’ face it was deemed not only desirable but bloody nigh-on vital that there would have to be some real footage of yer actual great white shark doing actual sharky things, like swimming and floating. So the call went out to Australia and Ron and Valerie Taylor took time off from providing footage for Animal Magic that Johnny Morris couldn’t match with playful banter to get some proper sharks on film. The problem inherent with this was that the odd picture of a shark looking miserable (`cos all sharks always look really miserable, don’t they?) that the Taylors could easily have pulled off the shelf was never going to be enough since, to make it of any use, it would have to be believable within the context of the film with the boat or cage or something in the background or, even better, the foreground. So to expedite matters a crew were sent Down Under with direction to get a picture of a great white filing past the underwater shark cage into which would be dropped a double for Dreyfus and which footage they could splice into the action being filmed back at the ranch. Result: realism all round and a level of disbelief suspension Cecil B de Mille would have been well pleased with.

The problem arose when the location crew decided to introduce the random factor of logic into the processes of artistic endeavour. The shark they were dealing with back home might be good only for resting peacefully on the bottom of the ocean but while it was there it was bloody big, so it seemed to make sense that it would be advantageous to exaggerate the size of the real shark they were about to feature in a supporting role. So in order to facilitate this they built a shark cage several sizes smaller than the one photographed on the Orca and into it they placed a little Mexican chap, a miniature stuntman who had convinced them, in much the same way starving actors the world over reassure directors they can ride horses, that he knew how to scuba dive. Consequently they dropped the tank in the water, filled it with wary Hispanic midget and left Ron and Val to set about attracting a shark to their usual great effect, rather too great as it transpired.

They had been expecting a great white of roughly 10-15 feet which, compared to the pint-sized set-up, would have been just perfect. Instead what they got was an actual monster shark about thirty feet in length which, when filmed – from a distance – by Ron Taylor, looked like the vanguard of an invasion of Earth’s oceans by maniacal aquatic leviathans from the Planet of the Giants. Needless to say Pepe, or Raoul, or whatever the hell his name was, shit himself on seeing it and then another factor they hadn’t thought of entered the fray. To put it simply, the little chap’s diving gear was half-sized but a little person’s lungs aren’t half-sized, they’re proper sized and in the thrust of the current monster fish crisis they sucked up the air in the tanks in one rapid terrified intake. Cue much frantic thrashing about by pocket Mexican who had to be lifted clear pretty much as soon as the shark came into view and exit the chances of any decent footage of `Dreyfus’ in the water up close with a real squalis.

Since the stuntman hurriedly explained in terms that didn’t need translation that he wouldn’t be getting back in the water any time soon, and that the only professional steps he would now be taking in regards to this production would be bloody long ones, they had to conceive of the ending which remained in the film, but which was quite different from Benchley’s book, where Dreyfus as Hooper manages to escape from the tank and swims away. The only plus side to it all as far as the production was concerned (although happily the ending forced upon them was a winner) was the brilliant footage the Taylors got of the giant shark ripping the tackle in the water to bits. We’re sure the stuntman would have congratulated them at the time. Probably from the top of the mast.

MOST SHARKS CAN’T PLAY THE CELLO
Legend has it that the first test-screening of JAWS was a bit of a disaster. Steven Spielberg, and producer David Brown and his strange moustache, were horrified to find that, on the little cards they had left in the picture hall for the audience to mark from 0 – 10 in terms of scariness, with 0 being the least score available and 10 the highest, most patrons had written, “This is shite” on them. There had been more screams at the candy counter on the way in when they had run out of Raisinettes. But all this was before John Williams had laid his score on them (which begs the question of what that test audience had heard when they were shown the preview? We suppose in a perfect universe the opening scene of the shark’s eye view camera moving through the watery tendrils would have been overlaid with `A Walk In The Black Forest’ but we concede that’s not very likely). Apparently the first time Williams played the main theme to Spielberg he laughed and said, “That’s great John. Now, where’s this music for Jaws?” thinking he was joking. But lo, Williams was not joking and verily the arses of the studio maketh with buttons for an age until it proved to be the making of the film.

In a totally unconnected piece of anecdotage cough, a few years ago John Barry was on Desert Island Discs and picked as one of his tracks a piece from, we think we’re right in saying, `The Rites of Spring’ by Stravinsky which track sounded uncannily like the main theme from JAWS penned by the only man to have won more Oscars for soundtracks than him. Coincidence or professional mischief-making? We don’t know. And we didn’t listen long enough to hear whether or not Barry picked a point-belabouring can of shark repellent as one of his essential items either so we wouldn’t like to say.

FISH FACTS AMAZING!
When composer John Williams won his Oscar for his score for JAWS he was conducting the orchestra for the ceremony and had to scurry back to his podium to conduct his own fanfare. Composer John Williams has a funny beard and wears polo necks a lot.

shark shark


MARY ELLEN MOFFAT: THE TRUTH AT LAST
JAWS is a film of two definite parts. While the first half is concerned with the titular pesky piscine ravaging its way through the denizens of Amity Island and the natives’ pathetic attempts to evade both evisceration and paperwork, the second half could be described broadly as being characterised as man’s attempts to redress the balance and reassert his evolutionary and intellectual superiority over the animalistic menace beneath the waves by kicking its head in.

The most important single moment in that second half of the film by far is the USS Indianapolis scene, when Quint explains to Hooper, over a plate of what looks like Prince’s tinned mince, his wartime experience on that ill-fated ship and his resultant disdain of life jackets (and presumably his apparent marginal antipathy towards sharks). It’s the seminal turning point for the crew of the Orca as they move from being a loose collection of warring tribes to a fully functioning co-operative team intent on achieving their goal and in doing so abandon the egotistical japes that they had all displayed at the outset. It is, in essence (and how we loathe to use terms like this), a `bonding’ moment. In terms of script and performance it is also a particularly powerful and effective one and is also one which provides for Robert Shaw the best ten minutes or so of screen time he ever got.

Stories abound about the famous speech he gives after Brody asks what the scar Quint has on arm is and certainly the first draft was put together by Carl Gottlieb, the principal screen writer. But apparently, and for reasons we’ve never really been aware of, it didn’t sit well. We don’t know if it jarred, or who it was that objected to it – we presume it was Spielberg – but in any case it wasn’t used, though it provided the bare bones in an informational sense for the exposition as a whole. It was then passed through a number of professional and extremely competent Smith-Coronas who presented various different drafts.

Credit is given now to the likes of John `Conan’ Milius, Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Howard Sackler and of course Benchley himself who was also working on the screenplay (though considering the sort of thing characters in the book get up to he probably had Quint down a large Advocaat and sail home before he finished the story). Even Spielberg had a crack at it.

Spielberg himself has since confessed to getting a bit desperate about the whole thing as he recognised that this was the most crucial point in the film as regards character development. This is the point where you have to start to like Quint and care what happens to him (we really don’t want the audience cheering when he gets munched by the fish) and it also has to be the point where the other two start to care what happens to him. Pretty important then, especially since Quint has been such a tosser up `til then. So further uncredited work was done on the words by the likes of William Goldman and Norman Mailer and basically anyone with their name in print, an ear for dialogue and a telephone number that wasn’t ex-directory.

In the meantime Robert Shaw had been getting happily paralytic on Wild Turkey and champagne all the while but was beginning to feel the pressure a little, not least because he kept getting handed different versions of his script every day. Probably therefore for the basic reason that he couldn’t keep up any longer and if he was going to have any chance at all of learning the words he would have to come up with them himself, Shaw closeted himself away on the night before the last opportunity to shoot the scene and came up with the script as filmed and as seen. And it’s a belter too which doesn’t just do the job and perform the function but almost on its own lifts the film from run of the mill action adventure into genuine full blown great film territory.

FISH FACTS AMAZING!
In the relevant scene Quint gives the wrong date for the sinking of the USS Indianapolis, saying it sank on 29th June 1945 when it was actually the day after. Universal have wanted to make a film about the true life incident ever since with Quint as the main character, which is a rubbish idea.


WHAT WE DIDN’T SEE FIRST TIME ROUND
For years you couldn’t actually buy a copy of JAWS at all, even on VHS. Like STAR WARS it was only ever released in measured bursts every now and then and a proper re-release only came, again like STAR WARS, when somebody could be arsed to put together a widescreen version which provided an excuse. Now of course the shops are littered with copies of new versions on DVD although thankfully Spielberg has diverged from that hitherto shared path with the `WARS now and refused to make a complete digital tit up of it which wobbly George Lucas has most certainly done with his thing.

This all changed when the first of the proper anniversaries came round and when we got our mits on a copy of the what was the then just-released 25th anniversary edition DVD (oooooh, doesn’t time fly?) we immediately did what everyone who gets a pricey DVD does and went straight for the special features. Unfortunately there’s not an awful lot there. There’s a short documentary about the making of the film featuring Spielberg, producers Richard Zanuck and David Brown and his strange moustache, the ubiquitous and always available (out of work) Richard Dreyfus, Peter Benchley and his weird skinny face and a few other minor parts. Sadly it doesn’t add up to much and falls well short of the documentary on a similar theme that BBC2 made for Jaws Night in 2000 which spoke to all the extant main players whilst they sat in front of a big back-lit crepe paper shark (apart from Benchley who was filmed on the porch of his seaside home, presumably because most of the others hate his guts). There’s a pointless quiz that asks ludicrously involved questions about licence plate numbers and things and which has a HINT button that just cuts away to a still frame of the answer, so a bit of a misnomer then.

Best of all, natch, are the unused scenes. There’s only really two of note, the first – and lesser – one being a prolonged tableaux of Frank Silva, the Harbour Master who is seen in the film proper emerging from his pier hut with an arm full of Corn Flakes and milk avec pipe at the start of the scene where the inland yahoos arrive to try and land Mrs Kitner’s bounty and where Hooper is introduced, actually sitting down and eating the Corn Flakes. Hurrah! Second of all, and miles better, is a lovely scene where Robert Shaw wanders over the street flanked by the droopy little sad sack type holding his spaniel – and who was seen leaving with him after the end of the town meeting scene – and into a music shop where he is to buy the piano wire he uses to snag the shark when they first make contact (he’s not going to haul them up like a lot of catfish, remember). After he comes in he is spoken to by the woman in the shop who goes to get his wire leaving him in the background whilst in the foreground and at the counter is a young girl with a clarinet, clearly practising and breaking in a new reed. She tootles out a few bars of Beethoven’s 9th along to which Quint starts to sing along getting louder and louder until she stops abruptly leaving him looking determinedly vexed. We don’t know what it was supposed to add to the whole but it’s a great little vignette anyway and beautifully acted by Shaw. It’s a shame they didn’t keep it in. Oh, and there’s another scene with someone being eaten in the pool by the shark after pushing Brody’s son out of the way. Ho-and, indeed- hum.

FISH FACTS AMAZING!
Peter Benchley appears in the film as a reporter (“a cloud in the shape of a killer shark”), screenwriter Carl Gottlieb plays Ben Meadows (“tell Dave Axelrod he owes me a favour”) and Spielberg is the voice on the radio that calls the Orca and also plays the clarinet in the beach scene, which is more than Alfred Hitchcock ever managed in a cameo.

shark shark

THE BOOK OF THE FILM
Although it was all hands on deck for the script the book was of course the work of only one faintly scary man, Peter Benchley. Massively successful and well referenced into popular culture at the time it may well have been (that was a copy of Jaws Basil was ha- hilariously reading in bed as Sybil was braying on to Audrey on the telephone) but let’s make no bones over the reality that, as a book, Jaws is pretty poor, its limited bonus points being that it’s both quite short and doesn’t feature too many big words.

Brody is a bit of a moody pain in the arse, Hooper gets killed at the end, Quint is lashed to the body of the shark in a Melville reference almost too clunking for belief, everyone seems to live on or below the poverty line regardless of what they do for a living (subsisting on that quaintly Eisenhower era-esque American consumerist folly, `food coupons’; a device that the Co-Op here would have regarded as old-fashioned in about 1937) and the most rounded character is the fish. Speaking of the fish, it gets the first `scene’ of the book just as it does the film but that’s about it from text-to-screen transposition. There’s a whole ream of nonsense about the evolutionary processes that chucked up the thing, which sort of works it’s way into Film Hooper’s little speech to Mayor Vaughn after they’ve found Ben Gardner’s head in his boat, but apart from that there’s precious little remaining of the substance of the book in the film itself beyond the names and the rather unavoidable inclusion of a big shark.

By filleting the thing (do you see?) and just using the 100% cod and leaving out the Ruskoline, tartrazine and other added shite – i.e. about 95% of it – Spielberg makes the perfect case in answer to all those idiots who complain that film versions of books should be completely faithful to the source material. If JAWS had slavishly followed the book there would have been, for example, a lengthy scene where Chief Brody drinks tonnes of Vermouth and feels sick and another where Ben Meadows eats half a lemon meringue pie but no explosion at the end or USS Indianapolis speech. Since all that seems pointless on the page, the likelihood that it would make for scintillating drama on screen was non-existent and we should be thankful that Spielberg took Benchley aside at one point and said, “We love the book, Pete, we really do. There’s just one thing we’d like to change… the words.” Well, if he didn’t he should have done.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE AN ARSE OF PRINCIPAL PHOTOGRAPHY
The state of the finished product that is JAWS could probably be best described, in terms of quality, as `erratic’ and the fact that it has proved so successful has often been attributed to the film’s veteran editor, the late Verna Fields. Now, considering the state some of the film is in it’s quite awesome to think what kind of nick it might have been delivered in had some less expert hand been left on the tiller in the editing suite.

Most of the shakiest stuff comes in the first Act, as it were, before the trio head off to sea after the baddie, and the worst of that appears when Hooper has arrived on the scene and conducts an examination of the remains of the first victim, Chrissie Watkins. All is well in the scene until there comes a pointless cut to Hooper lifting the girl’s hand clear of the tray her meagre remains are left in. That bears hardly any relation to the flow of the conversation in the scene but is at least contiguous with the action. What is most puzzling is the rather poorly dubbed line, “See, this is what happens…” which bears no relation to anything. See what? What happens? Happens how? And to whom? And as a result of what? It seems an odd decision to have left that one ten second piece of footage there to absolutely no purpose unless it was either an excuse to flash about a rather natty looking prop hand or that it’s all that remains of a longer scene deemed too much in retrospect. Either way, it should probably have been cut altogether since it just jars.

We don’t want to get too involved in this and risk collapsing into edit point wankery so we’ll just also voice our perennial confusion over the yellow barrels whose random appearance then non-appearance has riled us for years. We must have watched JAWS nearly a hundred times now – and that really isn’t an exaggeration – but we still can’t get a handle on the number of barrels shot into the shark and the number which manifest themselves at different points of the action (but then we’ve watched TRADING PLACES a similar number of times and we still don’t understand what Louis and Billy Ray are up to at the end of that either).

FISH FACTS AMAZING!
Chief Brody’s wife Ellen was played by Lorraine Gary, who was the wife of the head of Universal and had to fight off thousands of other actresses to play the part.

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Juggernaut

Posted in Posted in Films > Cream Classics | 2 Comments »
1974

Forget The Poseidon Adventure. Forget The Towering Inferno. Try to dimly recall William Shatner’s colliding train epic Disaster on the Coastliner. Then forget it again. In the much-maligned realm of the disaster movie, one film effortlessly demolishes all its peers, in super-slow motion from eight different angles. And surprisingly for a genre so typically Hollywood, it’s British.

Omar Sharif captains luxury cruise ship the Britannic from Southampton to New York. Yes, it’s Omar Sharif, but that’s where the glamour trail ends. Sharif commands a slate-grey hunk of Clydeside engineering across even greyer seas under greyer-still skies. No priests or actresses are among the passengers on this ship – lower middle class, recession-hit purgatory before the inferno.

Operations Fiddlage

All is shiftless, fruit machine-playing British reticence until brash US mayor Clifton ‘ Live and Let Die‘ James starts asking difficult questions. Eventually it comes out: a disillusioned explosives expert called Juggernaut has festooned the Britannic with eight superbombs, primed to explode before dawn in lieu of a ransom. Grizzled bomb disposal expert Richard Harris is dispatched to the boat. On the ground detective Anthony Hopkins – whose family is aboard – rounds up the usual suspects for leads. All fairly unremarkable. There’s certainly no disaster movie revolution in Juggernaut. Countless hoary old cliches of the genre are duly observed: Harris as the maverick bomb disposal expert, rakishly smoking an outsize Sherlock Holmes briar – while defusing a bomb; the hard-boiled ‘buddy’ banter between Harris and number two David Hemmings (‘I’ll bring you back some dry toast, Charlie!’); passengers and crew, thrown together in disaster, getting to Really Know Each Other; and a final red wire/blue wire cliffhanger that would have the most hardcore Andy McNabb fan chuckling at its corniness if it wasn’t so brilliantly handled.

Mappery Sweatiness

Doing most of the handling is Richard Lester, a long way from his amiably daft Beatles features here. Or is he? The rather dry, downbeat and unexpectedly realistic world that housed the zany antics of A Hard Day’s Night is pushed to the foreground here, with help from Alan Plater on dialogue duty.

Any potential glamour in the derring-do is relentlessly uncut with subtle touches. Harris is first seen in a provincial town hall, defusing a home-made device housed in a Rover biscuit assortment tin. The various arms-related boffins Hopkins tracks down are convincingly dishevelled – the jailed bomber who refuses to grass, figuring he’s only got another ‘seven years to go, with a bit of luck and a decent Home Secretary’, and Michael Hordern’s disgraced former civil servant, reduced to working the electronic scoreboard at a dog track (‘there’s always work for a skilled pair of hands’). Even the tense moment of Juggernaut’s first call to the shipping line owner is undercut by having said magnate in the middle of giving breakfast to his three kids.

Kinnearitude Rolling out

Best of all, there’s Roy Kinnear’s perfect turn as the ship’s entertainments officer, who has a bad enough time of it at the start, trying to inject fun into windswept games of quoits and peppering the bingo calling with blue jokes to glumly echoing silence, and ends up, after Sharif’s solemn announcement of the situation to the passengers, trying to generate enthusiasm over that evening’s fancy dress ball. And what a ball that turns out to be. ‘A night to remember!’ claims Kinnear bleakly, after running through psychotically cheery, whisky-fuelled renditions of Roll Out the Barrel and The Lambeth Walk, again to a total vacuum of response (‘Sod you all, then!’)

Swimming Ballroomisation

But Juggernaut‘s not just a sardonic pastiche of the disaster genre. It still believes in its story enough to be a thoroughly gripping thriller in its own right. The bomb squad’s fraught trip from plane to ship in a storm is properly hair-raising. The scene where Harris and Sharif drink solemnly to ‘the insanity of governments and the poor simple sods who pick up the pieces’ is a cliche, but an effective one for all that. And Hopkins’s dilemma – the shipping line wants to pay the ransom and get it over with, but he must side with the government, who won’t allow it – is a well-judged downplaying of the old ‘that’s my wife up there!’ chestnut.

Fagging up Clipperations

For the climax, where most films would open out into huge (and unconvincing) panoramas of crumbling dams and flaming scaffolding, Juggernaut closes in on the microscopic inner workings of the booby trapped bombs, and replaces the standard suspenseful musical score with claustrophobic silence. Never mind Shelley Winters’s swimming medal or Steve McQueen’s fireman’s uniform with the word ‘chest’ helpfully written on his chest, the only trappings you really need to generate nailbiting thrills are a pair of pliers and a pipe. Now that’s blockbusting on a budget.

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Monique

Posted in Posted in Films > Cream Classics | No Comments »
1969

THE PLOT: Bill (David ‘Let’s Murder Vivaldi‘ Sumner) and Jean (Joan ‘The Love Box‘ Alcorn) are your archetypal middle class suburban marrieds with the requisite two kids. He’s busy, she’s fed up, so they get an au pair (Sibylla ‘Vampire Circus‘ Kay) in. Or if you prefer, ‘they found a treasure – beautiful, French and just a little disturbing. Her name was… Monique!’ The results could best be described using a French number conjoined with the word ‘ménage’.

Bedtime for the '60s Domestic bliss

We open on – breathe in, now – the half-empty car park of a suburban railway station. Now, it’s possible some of you out there aren’t as mad on grainy, washed-out footage of nondescript areas of forty-year-old suburbia as we are. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion, but we must warn you right now that such a questionable stance may severely impair your enjoyment of both this film and this article, such as it is. It’s all about that public information film anti-glamour, this picture, and as we know it’s the mundane trimmings that are the most evocative. Stuff like Marc Bolan’s jumpsuit or a great big hovercraft are fair enough, but a Festival of Britain-style litter bin with the wooden panelling round the sides, with a solitary Aztec wrapper in the bottom, will transport you back in time with infinitely more evocative force. Every macramé pot holder is a portal to the past, every Ronco Buttoneer a TARDiS.

Now, to the strains of some slightly classy weepy piano, putting the classically-trained viewer in mind of Satie and the rest of us of a posher version of the bit at the end of The Incredible Hulk, we see Jean watching her small kids at play on good old, never-did-us-any-harm-your-honour solid tarmac. Lingering close-ups of her slightly deadened expression attest to Something Missing in Her Life. Bill, her Ed-Stewart-voiced, on-the-verge-of-going-a-bit-craggy, could-model-for-one-of-the-cheaper-trouser-catalogues, would-have-smoked-a-pipe-if-this-was-a-decade-earlier hubby picks them up in the car. A Euro dolly manhandles some tots nearby, and a light bulb flicks on in Jean’s head. ‘That’s what I want – an au pair!’

So they get one – who turns out to be a Swedish frump in a pixie hat, with an awkward, taciturn manner. She’s a slovenly waste of space, helping herself to massive sarnies and generally being a nightmare stereotype, and as such is soon shown the door. Bill takes Jean’s mind off things with a bunch of chrysanths and some rubbish ‘nibbling southwards’ sexy overtures. Jean sighs. ‘So this is what the flowers were for!’ Jean is quite lovely, in that old school middle class manner – a bit Deneuve about the chops, and thoroughly Lumley of voice. ‘Jean’, though, what a dated name.

'I don't believe it! Desperate Dan's eaten four cowpies and he's still hungry!' Open plan seduction a la francais

Barely a decade after this was made, ‘Jean’ had become the appellation of choice for ageing-yet-feisty heroines of denture fixative ads. (‘Fillet steak, Jean?’ ‘Do you think they do an omelette?’) Mind you, the name Joan’s even more antiquated, so bang goes our moniker carbon dating theory. Naturally, housewifery is boring the Last of the Jeans to death. By way of demonstration, she moons abo ut in a cloche hat and those great big owl sunglasses we’ve seen before in both Boom! and Bunny Lake.

Finally Monique – brunette, angular chops, Françoise Pascale-style quizzical self-confidence in spades – moves in, as that white telly blares out one of those hastily-mocked up programme soundtracks you get in films of a certain vintage – one voice babbling  unintelligibly augmented by random washes of audience laughter. The front room is aesthetic heaven for fans of low-rent open plan chic, with its riser-less black staircase, big white telly and leatherette swivel chairs. Monique, it transpires, is doing a course in interior design at the local poly, and is no doubt picking up tips on that grim-trendy look already.

Bill, meanwhile, is taking a swift University of Life course in Monique’s Arse Studies. As Jen gets to know the girl, chatting fart about France, he stands about in a horse-frighteningly loud plaid dressing gown and snatches quick glimpses of her bending over as he queues for the bog. Significant dialogue is exchanged with Jean. ‘Don’t mess things up.’ ‘Is that likely?’ ‘More than likely, knowing you!’ But he’s not the only one sizing things up. As he arrives home from work – again with flowers, that front room must be thick with a permanent haze of Impulse – he happens upon the pair having uncontrollable giggling fits in the bedroom. ‘We’ve been swapping clothes!’ Bill frowns.

Today's story: The Very Red Playgroup Polytechnic architectire module IV: How to bung loads of tiny square windows all over your forbidding brick frontage, making it look even more forbidding

Later Monique’s bloke Richard turns up, bearing an even bigger bunch of flowers. He takes her, still wearing Jean’s nightie and not much else, out to what you could still just about get away with calling a groovy nightclub. Trendies frug the remainder of the sixties away to a song about ‘walking down the street’, but jump cuts of Monique gazing listlessly about suggest she’s not having a whale of a time. They split (as people are just about to stop saying), and Monique hares recklessly about the town in Richard’s car. She feels so alive!

Cut, by way of contrast, to Jane rattling fabric through a deafening Singer sewing machine while an increasingly frustrated Bill sneaks a Butcher’s at her legs under the table. She’s having none of it, though. ‘No, not tonight. I don’t feel like it. I don’t see why you should get all sexy over her and take it out on me!’ The cat’s creeping out of the carpet bag, and Bill’s off on one. ‘You never do feel like it! Never!’ Meanwhile Monique and Dickie somehow manage to sneak into Craven Cottage, turn the floodlights on and have a daft kickabout before the police turn up in the traditional nee-nawing Ford Zephyr. It’s clear where the carefree, dizzy fun is to be had tonight.

The girl knows when to stop though, and tells Richard to bog off when they get back to Bill and Jean’s house. Bill is, unsurprisingly considering what hasn’t been happening tonight, still awake, and catches Monique creeping in. A bit of ‘help me get these decade-signifying white thigh boots off’ horseplay turns into a bit of sensual hair touching, which becomes a snog, which rapidly spirals up into a full-on shag, with Monners on top and litres of glycerine sweat applied to brows. It begins!

The name's Shops. Richard Shops. Sorry, but the BBC's only big enough for one Hamble

After that, what else but a ‘life goes on’ montage of Bill going to work, Jean cleaning and Monique skipping about the big, boxy polytechnic building, all linked with some retro-even-then horizontal wipes. It’s all building up to the big sexual tension scene, which begins in the front room with Jean pinning a dress on Monique while Bill catches sly glances of leg again. ‘Isn’t that a bit short?”Not for you!’ The fitting turns into a bit of an  all-round Jean-on-Mon feel-up. A festive feel-up come to that, as the lounge is now dominated by a lovely old Christmas tree – a real one, but ficking drowning in clumps of loose blue and silver tinsel, as was the style at the time. It’s a heart-warmingly familiar scene – er, feelings-up aside. In fact, all that’s missing is… yes, a little box in the corner of the screen bearing the price of the tree! Of course! It’s a Woolworth’s Christmas ad come to life! All that’s missing is Anita Harris and a brace of Cossack dancers capering round the Bontempi.

Instead, of course, the screen is dominated by the ongoing edition of three-way family favourites. Bill is now pulling a ropey Santa outfit together – cotton wool lump on chin, orange dressing gown the nearest he can get to a coat – and while he’s in the basement dusting off his wellies, the girls turn a present wrapping exercise into a crafty snog. When he returns, Jean shows irritable remorse for this, fretfully smoking a ciggie and swivelling about on that Parkinson’s guest chair. More clandestine nookie opportunities are grabbed while Bill’s filling the kids’ stockings.

They swing in perfect solitude, in a scene made all the more effective for its complete lack of dialogue, music and, indeed, quite often any sound at all. It’s accepted that any film buff worth their salt thinks film soundtracks (proper, orchestrally scored ones, that is) are always A Good Thing, but we’re Reynolds Girls-esque cultural Philistines, and more often than not they bore and annoy us in equal me asure. So it’s great to see a sequence like this, that makes a big pot of sonic sod all go a long way. Granted, this may be down to budgetary gnat’s chuffitude rather than any artistic decision, but the point holds.

Even French au pairs need a Woolworth's store these days Ahh! Le fag du Rothmans

And so to bed. Jean’s still in shock, but one thing’s changed – now she actually fancies it with her husband. Cue – and oh, after we’d just been celebrating this film’s lack of tricksy frippery! – a two-minute dissolve-a-montage of Jean’s orgasming face. Now, this film is forever being bracketed with the pre-Confessions ‘saucy suburbia’ strain of cheap-’n'-tatty Brit cinema alongside such queasy fluff as The Yellow Teddybears and The Wife-Swappers, but unlike those tawdry efforts, Monique is – relatively, at least – rather cosy and quaint. It’s not out to shock with lurid exposés, and consequently the sauce quota is well below the genre’s meagre average. Hence this sort of above-the-shoulders montage. Tasteful, like. Although it don’t half bloody go on.

Flash forward to the day after Twelfth Night, and Monique and the kids are out in the back garden burning the Christmas tree, though with all those fags and non-fireproof tinsel knocking around, it’s a miracle the thing didn’t go up sooner. While she capers about with a can of petrol in a tempting headscarf/Aran sweater/micro mini combination Jean, now in the nightie she leant out earlier, is knocking about in the kitchen. The kitchen is, as you’d hope, a visual joy, all fitted melamine units in squared-off olive and white, with the obligatory eye-level grill, opening out onto the dining room via a panoramic five-foot serving hatch. Mister Barratt has built his dream house, for sure.

All concerned have a spring in their step, for reasons it doesn’t take Mariella Frostrup to divine. Bill wants to take Jean for a drink. ‘Take Monique instead!’ Free and easy is her new middle name. And so he does. on the way there, Monique prats about on top of a bollard and waxes philosophical about domestic tragedy. ‘The children burnt your broom…that’s the price you have to pay I suppose.’ Now they’re up against a chain link fence and a bit of sultry double-bass-and-drum-brushes jazz kicks in, to evoke that heady ‘forbidden lust in afternoon suburbia’ atmos in the only way any musician knew how before Jarvis Cocker came along.

Well I don't think anything could look more festive than - what *are* you doing? The Magent and Southerns Must Have of '69: a Cinemascope serving hatch (Roberts tranny optional)

This sort of thing can’t continue in this agreeable fashion for much longer though, and sure enough one day Bill turns up at home earlier than expected and catches the pair of them at it hammer and tongs. In a pleasingly weird comedy moment, he panickingly blurts out ‘forgot my wallet!’ and dives into the wardrobe. Later, while Monique tries to mollify Jean in the bathroom with a spot of continental sexistentialism (‘he has no reason to complain… if he can, why cant you?’) Bill drowns his sorrows in the pub and picks up a tart for a confessional shag. Said tart turns out to be failed auditioner for the title role Carol ‘Carry On‘ Hawkins, but before any ends can be got away he has a change of heart and pegs it back to the house. ‘I must have it out with her!’

Now for the big scene. Monique, feeling guilty, cooks a slap-up dinner for the warring couple. As they sit in smouldering silence, she recommends they go and see ‘a very sexy Swedish film’. No dice. In waft the strains of that Incredibly Sophisticated Hulk piano lilt, though now it sounds more like the plaintive Yellow Pages music. (‘Hello, French polishers…?’) Monique stands up and snogs Bill full on at the table. Jean looks aghast. Then she slowly crosses over and snogs Jean, and the world’s monocles are launched from their ocular eyries into gravity’s merciless embrace. The girls go upstairs and Bill runs after – returning for a bottle of wine. The Big Scene unfolds in a series of relatively tasteful lesbian jump cuts, augmented with Bill in the foreground fortifying himself for the big push with wine and fags. ‘Come on, Bill!’ ‘I will in a minute!’

Then, in one of the most heart-warming scenes in a tawdry British sexploitation film – well, all right, the only heart-warming scene in any British sexploitation film – the three share a post-coital fag while debating the aesthetic merits of ‘Monolith’, a swirly orange abstract painting on the bedroom wall. Bill loves it. Jean and Monnie reckon it’s hung upside down. And so it’s re-hung the other way up. It’s a knee-in-the-balls bit of symbolism, but it’s so quaintly done, it works. After a bit of horseplay in an F-reg Austin 1100, Monique, considering her work done, naffs off back to France and leaves the renewed couple to get on with it. Bless! It’s the same sort of ending as Twinky, though the difference is this time you’re on the verge of giving a toss about the protagonists.

Your actual 1969 pub, there All's well that ends saucily

This is, you’ll be unsurprised to learn, a Tigon Production. (‘Watch it! It’s a Tigon! They’re strange creatures. They disappear and make films. Then suddenly… they’re upon you!’) As such, a suspicion of cashing in on the Killing of Sister George lesbo taboo bandwagon lingers over proceedings. But this doesn’t, for once, have the Clark-Gable-meets-Bruce-Forsyth countenance of production supremo Tony Tenser looming over it. Aside from a change of title from Bown’s less-than-come-hither choice of North East Confidential and a few choice Tenserian publicity tags (‘Does *your* marriage need Monique?’) this is, soup to nuts, an auteured work from the mind of Mr Sibylla Kay, John ‘Commander Stafford, you know, the Lethbridge-Stewart-like meddling government mole off of late-period Doomwatch‘ Bown.

He does a sterling job with what must be all of one Bolex camera, two lights and a broken pallet at his disposal (51 grand is the estimated all-in budget), but sadly he never see ms to have had a chance to do anything else along these lines (a promising-looking Bown-penned ‘British road movie’ called Hey You was turned down by Clark Forsyth). While he went to the wall, the likes of Mike ‘Come Outside’ Sarne got to go to Hollywood and piss big money away on overwrought silliness, which is just one more injustice in the annals of film history, we suppose. (Incidentally, we were going to represent nascent sexploitation in this series with Sarne’s tricksy meisterwerk Joanna, but we couldn’t get hold of a copy and so plumped for this as second choice, and we’re rather glad it worked out that way, in retrospect.)

This is, in short, pretty much the only sexploitation film which is genuinely likeable for what it is, rather than for how man  ailing comedians are cameoing or how amusingly bad the gags are. It’s all down to attitude – while the prurient exposés that preceded it were full of tabloid ‘phwoooar – er, I mean, tut!’ leering disgust, and the comedies that followed were just full of leering, this is much more relaxed and comfortable about ‘it’ – but still in a very conservative way, of course, with its yearning ‘stifled British marriage saved by liberated interventionist Eurototty’ undertones.

And unlike the drably mechanical majority, it’s full of nice little realistic comic touches (Bill’s wardrobe panic, one of the coppers at Fulham taking a sneaky penalty kick). In short, it actually works upstairs, not, er, down inside. ‘If you only watch one…’ as they say. Although please don’t take that as an obligation.

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Omen, The

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1976

Of all horror films made in the 1970s the most successful, certainly the most famous, are The Exorcist (1973) and The Omen (1976). But while the former basks in the reflected glory of being the scariest picture ever made – with no proper explanation ever given or deemed necessary – the latter is largely dismissed as bubblegum pap, Hollywood schlock horror bearing no comparison to its respected predecessor. But look more closely at The Exorcist and it soon becomes apparent that the silver sheen is the cheap flash of EPNS, while that comforting glow emanating from The Omen is glorious 24 carat gold.

The fact is, The Omen is miles better than The Exorcist. The legend that’s grown up around William Friedkin’s child-possession fable is more myth than anything else. Richard Donner’s fantastic fable of apocalyptic prophesy deserves all the praise that can be shovelled upon it. While The Exorcist has had the benefit of being banned from release for a long period, building up people’s expectations of it and and therefore a totally understandable deduction that it therefore must be really, really scary, The Omen has plodded on entirely under its own steam.

Sprout! Grout!

Nostalgia plays its part too. Memories of teenage nights huddled around a hired telly with a tenth generation copy of The Exorcist playing through a top-loading Videostar and appearing on screen through more snow than is usually visible on a documentary about weather patterns in the Arctic adds massively to the appeal. Anyone who wanted to see The Omen only had to wait long enough for it to crop up on telly. When The Exorcist went back on general release and the snow lifted, it transpired it was never that good to begin with. Only lovers of American period furniture could ever be scared by the goings on in the bedroom of little Regan. And while there are some people who find the sight and sound of a teenage girl with bad skin and lank hair and a speaking voice tempered by forty Capstan Full Strength, most have seen worse hanging around city centre bus stops on a Saturday night.

But The Omen is quite, quite different. Permeated from start to finish with a marvellous air of dread, it draws the audience in by setting the most pertinent action in comfortably normal situations – hospitals, churches, parks, offices – but then distorts them just enough to keep them recognisably real, but horribly so. All of the most diabolical incidents in The Omen take place in the most ordinary of settings. Lee Remick is finally offed in her hospital room, her last sight (prior to the roof of the ambulance below) being, unfortunately, her dreadful nylon bed jacket. Billie Whitelaw is dispatched to hell from her kitchen. And when Gregory Peck finally cashes in his chips, it’s at the hands of a policeman acting in the name of the law rather than a slavering apostate of hell. Though the difference between the two rather depends on your opinion of the police.

Trout! Look out!

The most famous exit for any of the leading characters is that of David Warner, Peck’s photographic sidekick during the investigation into little Damian’s real identity. What makes Warner’s eventual demise doubly shocking is that it doesn’t take place in the hugely creepy catacombs he and Peck visit immediately beforehand, in order to receive instruction from the similarly hugely creepy Leo McKern into how to teach Damian a lesson he’ll never forget. Donner’s too clever for that. He allows Peck, Warner and the audience to leave the claustrophobic atmosphere of the underground caverns and breathe a sigh of relief in the sunny afternoon, only for Warner to be decapitated by sheet of glass slid off the back of a runaway truck escaping from a building site presumably not in possession of the necessary Health and Safety certificates. The effect of what would already have been a shocking death is therefore massively increased and comes as far more of a jolt than Freidkin’s surly teenager could ever manage by ralphing up some pea and ham.

The demonic execution of the priest played by Patrick Troughton is a little different. Being skewered by his own church’s lightning rod may count as the most ironic end to a character in cinema history, but hardly the most shockingly realistic. But Troughton’s character, necessary for some brilliantly histrionic exposition, is probably the most hysterical and extreme in the whole film – his eye-rolling delivery of the famous, ‘When the Jews return to Zion…’ passage from the imaginary book of Hebron is one of the film’s highlights – and makes Billie Whitelaw’s Satanic nanny seem like a model demonstration of The Method. So a suitably demonstrative destruction was required and doesn’t jar.

The Exorcist is quite different. The level of mania surrounding the possession is no more than cartoonish in its realisation. Tellingly, the most successful moments of the film involve the all too real medical procedures carried out on Regan, possessed by a demon with the voice of Wolfman Jack and the skin tone of Derek Jameson, and the fantastically terrifying ethnic music listened to by Father Karras’ mother on a tiny radio. The rest is just pantomime.

Smout! Bout! (Of, um, violence)

Most of the performances in The Omen might also be described as one-note. Lee Remick isn’t really required to do much, an expectation she lives up to spectacularly well. Even supporting actor stalwarts Bruce Boa and Julian Glover don’t add much, though they scarcely get the opportunity. Accusations are forever being levelled at the portrayal of Robert Thorn, the US Ambassador and adoptive father of juvenile antichrist Damian, on the part of Gregory Peck. Too wooden, it’s said, too conservative. Ambassadors aren’t known, however, for their sense of gregarious élan, with probably only Shirley Temple Black standing as the only one in the history of the State Department who could have carried off a decent anecdote. So Peck’s decidedly wooden performance is as accurate as any would ever get, at least in a tale of demonic possession.

The Exorcist trades on the rather silly precept that it’s in some way based on an actual series of events, as described in the book by William Peter Blatty on which the film is based. But as the Coen Brothers showed by falsely claiming that their Fargo (1996) was based on a real life incident and watching the alarm that built up on the part of the audience, such a claim is incredibly easy to make and the attendant fuss is hardly ever justified. The only thing The Omen ever claimed to be was silly, fun and scary. A mission it accomplished with frightening ease.

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Smashing Time

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1967

Towards the end of the 1960s, many films took it upon themselves to pastiche, satirise or otherwise put the boot into the increasingly self-absorbed remnants of London’s ‘swinging’ culture, but none did it with as much panache, cheek and messy abandon as Smashing Time. Scripted by monocular jazz surrealist George Melly while he was writing Revolt Into Style, his definitive look at the ‘selling out’ of pop culture, it takes many of the sharp insights of that book, wraps them up in a pleasingly corny ‘Northern girls come good’ fairy-tale, and adds a liberal dollop of pie-based slapstick.

smash02 Tush!

Tall, flame-haired, trend-obsessed Yvonne (Lynn Redgrave) and mousy, pragmatic Brenda (Rita Tushingham) arrive on the train from Oop North, desperate to grab a piece of the swinging world of pop, glamour and ‘six foot circular beds with black sheets’ which Yvonne has read avidly about in MiniTrends magazine. Promptly getting their money nicked, they find themselves unable to pay for bread and scrape in Arthur Mullard’s greasy spoon, so Brenda is left to wash up while Yvonne capers blithely through Carnaby Street, singing a delightfully tuneless ode to the pop epicentre (‘Carnaby Street!/Carnaby Street!/Carnaby-arnaby-Carnaby Street!’) whereupon she’s promptly chatted up by moustachioed fashion photographer Michael York, beginning the girls’ string of random associations with the hip and happening.

Telly! Tush!

York sets Yvonne up via a joke Evening Standard fashion shoot, mocking her provincial gaucheness as ‘The Girl Who got it Wrong’. Brenda embroils the cafe’s patrons (including Corrie’s Eddie Yates) in a sauce/paint/liquid manure fight. Bonzos-related artist ‘Professor’ Bruce Lacey appears as a mad sculptor exhibiting skeletal robots designed to destroy all their owners’ other objets d’art (‘The end of civilization in your sixty-foot, L-shaped drawing room!’) Irene Handl is the youth-mistrusting owner of an antique fur shop (‘Come in ‘ere, them young Mods, asking for animal paws, then while yer back’s turned a nice bit o’skunk vanishes up their knickers!’)

Telly! Tush!

Lascivious toff Ian Carmichael picks up Yvonne in a nightclub and takes her back to his plush bachelor pad with nookie in mind, to her consternation (‘Going the whole way is really square and out of touch. Besides, I never ‘ave.’) Anna Quayle employs Brenda in her boutique, Too Much (which employs a hearse as delivery van), only to sack her after she treats the place as a proper shop rather than a hip hang-out (‘She made us all buy something before we parked our botties!’)

Telly! Tush!

Finally luck comes their way as their Grudge Street lodgings are demolished in the name of Candid Camera-like TV programme You Can’t Help Laughing, presented by Peter Jones as a patronising, oleaginous hybrid of Bob Monkhouse, Hughie Greene and David Frost (‘He’s got a lovely speaking voice you know, and he sounds very nice when he isn’t pretending to be common!’) The girls get 10,000 pounds for their trouble, and immediately invest it in getting famous. Under York’s wing, Brenda becomes a model and the face of Direct Action perfume, posing in a cynical TV ad intercut with riot footage. Yvonne is marketed by pop impresario Jeremy ‘Allo Allo‘ Lloyd as a sub-Lulu singer (‘Psychedelic, but not turned on. Friendly, unspoilt… and a virgin’) with wall-of-sound-backed hit I’m Still So Young (‘I can’t sing, but I’m young/Can’t do a thing, but I’m young/I’m a fool/But I’m cool…’)

Telly! Tush!

Now mutual enemies, the girls live the high life of ‘pacy’ split-level apartments, doorstep deliveries of Johnnie Walker and meeting the Bishop of Runcorn. Eventually things come to a head in a party at the top of the Post Office Tower (‘the scene with the built-in trip!’), when Brenda, bored witless by the liquid lightshow and synchronised heartless frugging, sets the controls from ‘slow’ to ‘very fast’, and blows the whole town’s circuits, before the pair make up and head back Northwards for a proper youth of chip suppers, lovebites and bus shelter romance.

Telly! Tush!

Redgrave and La Tush are, quite simply, made for their roles. Awed by the in-crowd, but still able to fight back with volleys of ultrasonically high-pitched, 100MPH banter when the occasion demands, they’re more rounded victim-heroes than you’ll find in many a more serious ‘London’s a bit of a bummer’ drama. They’re simultaneously naive and more clued-up than their southern hosts, as is the script, using the timeless devices of saucy put-downs and all-out slapstick to deflate the scene’s self-regarding pomposity. While the cafe patrons heartily join in with the messy mayhem, the uptight clientele of Sweeney Todd’s Eating House (a dessert-only version of an East End pie shop with the waitresses dressed as Victorian strumpets) can only stand rigid, trying deperately to look cool as a volley of flans hits their solemn fizzogs. It’s the sight and sound of the real spirit of the ’60s – the unabashed, classless, energetic spirit – triumphing over the self-conscious, snobbish and conservative clique it had become by the decade’s end. And all with the skillful facial deployment of a large gooseberry syllabub tart. What a fabulous, knockout scene!

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The Loved One

Posted in Posted in Films > Cream Classics | 1 Comment »
1965

THE PLOT: Dennis Barlow (Robert Morse), a milquetoasty, soaked-to-the-hindears, innocent greenhorn Brit ingénue out of water, comes to LA to seek his fortune, only to have his uncle (John Gielgud) cark it on him. Arranging funeral details at the sinister Whispering Glades cemetery, he falls for make-up mortician Aimee Thanatogenous (Anjanette Comer), but crosses paths with campy nutjob embalmer Mr Joyboy (Rod Steiger) and the sinister mastermind behind the Glades, the Reverend Glenworthy (Jonathan Winters). LA? Sex? Death? Commerce? War? It’s Great Big Over-Ambitious 1960s Film Satire ahoy! And this time… it’s based on a novel by Evelyn Waugh. Think Revelation of the Daleks via Dr Strangelove and you’re nowhere near, but it’s a nice thought to hold all the same.

We open on – well, what’s the most ’60s transatlantic scene you can have? The cabin of a TWA airliner of course, and a lovely old TWA airliner at that, Lovely old airliner at that, complete with neat-hatted stewardess speaking to the passengers on a huge clunky phone. There’s probably an outsize hatbox or two in the overhead compartment as well, but for now we’re concentrating on the gauche form of Robert Morse, a familiar face to fans of mid-’60s light satire like A Guide for the Married Man and How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, here cast as would-be Brit poet (with a day job as an artificial insemination operative) Dennis Barlow, whose won his ticket from London to LA in one of those ‘ten millionth customer’ promotions that were everywhere in the sort of fiction that required a cheap and easy plot advancement once upon a time, but which we strongly suspect never took place in reality.

The Graduate. Part Two! It'll be all white after the flight

LAX airport itself is all stark white surfaces – nothing like those yellow-’n'-marble expanses in The VIPs – and in fact looks at times like a set from 2001 gone AWOL. But this is a real airport, and the magic’s worked by ace photographer Haskell Wexler, who more than earns his keep throughout the film. In fact, it looks so sumptuous on what can’t have been more than a mid-range Hollywood budget that his lighting is often the one thing that seems to keep this scattershot McFlurry from falling apart completely.

After a contretemps with the unforgiving US passport control, in the shape of James Coburn (‘Beatnik poet, huh? You got one of them Beatle haircuts?’) Morse winds up at the door of his uncle, Sir Francis Hinsley, something of a creative powerhouse in what looks suspiciously like MGM Studios. In textbook white Panama and cravat, Gielgud coaches cowboy hick actor Dusty Acres in English pronunciation. (In a hilarious bit of in-jokery, Dusty is played by actor and famed dialogue coach Robert Easton, ‘the Henry Higgins of Hollywood’. Jokes are, more often than not, ‘in’ in this film. See how many you can spot.) He’s to play a dashing sub-Bond secret agent in a script pitched to producer DJ Jr (Roddy McDowall), a Jim Dale-alike mini-mogul who keeps an Oxygen mask behind his sprawling marble desk for emergencies. Also there is Henry Glenworthy (Jonathan Winters – ooh, a dual role!), pitching for all he’s worth.

The Tinseltown milieu established without too many cringes, Morse and Giely repair to the studio commissary, a riot of psychedelic wall decoration (which becomes the only thing in the picture flattened out by Wexler’s black and white lens) for a Deep Dish Lolita and Breast of Squab Brigitte. American cuisine duly ribbed, they instantly naff off to The English Club, an oak-panelled enclave for British ex-pats in Beverley Hills. On the way, they meet Sir Ambrose Abercrombie, ‘one of our most ardent thespians [...] he usually plays prime ministers or butlers’. Sir Ambrose is perfectly incarnated by – oh, did you sneak a peek at the answer? – yes, Robert Morley.

Morley leads the toast to the Queen at the club (staffed by a pratfalling Jamie ‘Klinger’ Farr, no less), and rants on about the importance of putting over a good impression. ‘We have to put uup a good show – I never do anything in my own home that I wouldn’t do in front of camera.’ Indeed, Bob. Morse shacks up with Gielgud at the latter’s facsimile thatched cottage, complete with Olympic-sized swimming pool (drained). Great use is made of the great big phoney heritage architecture that lines this part of California, which we’ve all seen in garish Technicolor with Alan Whicker humming The Flight of the Bumblebee in front of them, but in a proper film and bathed in that stonking black and white glimmer, they’re really otherworldly, which is of course the point, this whole shebang set off as it was by Waugh nipping over the pond and stepping back in amazement at what went on in the Dream Factory.

Have you been to a Nando's before, dear boy? I hear they're filming the end credits montage for Star Trek today!

In the first of fortunately not too many ‘There’s no way I’m riding that bicycle’ gags, we cut from Morley declaiming ‘there are certain jobs out here an Englishman simply does not take’ to Morse humping dumbells about as a gopher in a gymnasium, turning Morley’s sweatbox up too far for a bit of majorly cartoonish slapstick, in that ever-lovin’ broad ’60s style. An equally sledgehammer running gag has the restaurants, streets and buses of the town populated with movie extras dressed as gladiators, chorus girls and red Indians. Back to Gielgud’s garden, as he shelters under a huge parasol while he paints Dusty, dressed in hunting pinks, astride a stuffed horse, as dialogue coaching continues. ‘It may get a bit dicey if he decides to use the giant squid!’

All’s not well at the studio, however, as McDowall takes hits of oxygen while being massaged with dangerous-looking vibrating electric mittens. Winters is on the phone to ‘his brother’ – ah, here we go! – The Blessed Reverend, who circles the town in a suspiciously silent helicopter. (One jarring aspect of this film is, possibly due to budget or the way Tony Richardson went about things, quite often ambient location noise is weirdly absent.) Something’s got to give on the squid picture, and Gielgud’s the first to get the chop. Taking the news stoically, he walks slowly through the boulevards (that silence is actually quite effective here), and returns
home.

Next morning, he’s hung himself from hsi diving board, and the game’s afoot. ‘Bad form!’ avers Morley, who nevertheless feels he should be given a funeral appropriate to his station – even if Morse has to sell the cottage to pay for it. Cue a lavish tracking shot through the manicured lawns and marble edifices of Whispering Glades, a cemetery based on real life taste-dodging LA stiff house Forest Lawns, but created here out of the less icky environs of Harold Lloyd’s estate, which is all rolling greenery, avenues of neatly trimmed topiary and quietly landscaped vistas. A pair of glasses and a smile bought you a hell of a lot in those days. And here’s Tab Hunter, giving a drowsy party of rubberneckers a guided tour of the place, in particular a twenty-foot statue of Glades fonder, the Rev Winters, in marble and gold, with a built in recording of the man’s deranged cod-Christian visions: ‘sorrow became the mewing of tiny kittens, and the splash of precious duck babies at play…’

Bricks, the dropping of Satires!

Inside, it’s imposing cod-Gothic churchery all the way, with a bevy of lady receptionists in Morticia Addams get up here to help. Morse, after weirdly sneaking a gobble at the breasts of a statue, falls for chief cosmetitican Comer as she lays out the possibilities ofr the mouldering Gielgud in the Gothic Slumber Room : ‘What do you want, inhumement, entombment, inurnment, immurement? Some people just lately have preferred sarcophagusment. It’s very individual.’ Gieuly’s particulars are taken down. ‘Did his face match his figure?’ ‘Hideously.’

It’s been a good four minutes since we had a star cameo, so on rolls Liberace, playing, well, Liberace, or rather the smarmy coffin salesman-cum-counsellor of this establishment. Grinning his Brother George grin, he shows off the coffins to a confused Morse. The Silent Night Special is waterproof, moisture proof and dampness proof. Does he want an eternal flame? Propane or butane? Perpetual eternal or standard eternal? (The standard shuts down at night.) A suit is chosen. The Prince Albert has seams which split open to avoid unpleasantness. Special shoes are needed too. ‘The feet curl a bit, you know, as rig-mo sets in.’

It all gets too much for Morse. (Lots of stuff will get too much for Morse, which is handy, as it enables him to back out of one set piece just as it runs out of steam, and wander round at random for a bit in search of another. It’s the old picaresque tactic that big fat American satirical novels and films rely upon to cram all their disparate ideas into without troubling themselves to write a proper plot or anything, so it is cheating in a strict sense, though if it’s played well it works just dandy, and here it’s played rather well indeed.) Comer takes him on a tour of the place – certified protection against fire, earthquake and nuclear fission – as the old Antiques Roadshow theme plays. The endless avenues of topiary with long, sharp Californian afternoon shadows all look queasily lovely in Wexler’s black and while silveriness, which possibly detracts from the lurid nature of the whole enterprise a bit. Still, we do get the first scene of Morse having his advances rejected – but not entirely of course – by Comer.

Cut to a close-up of Gielgud, and a masterclass in corpse acting from the knight, which honestly isn’t the veiled insult it appears to be. A variety of expressions play across his dead fizzog, as manipulated by the gloved hands of Mr Joyboy, chief mortician with a camp demeanour and a Grade A carpet-chewing, scene-stealing role which Rod Steiger gets stuck into with gay abandon. Floating about the place, camp as owt, all wide eyes and breathy tones, he commands respect from all the other staff, including Comer, who’s come to slap a toupee on Sir John’s withering bonce, and flirt chastely with Mr J, who clearly has a thing for the old dear.

Addams family bucket The only problem with this one is the candelabra falls off

Morse and Morley inspect the results. (‘Is he quite… hard?’ ‘I don’t think ive ever seen old Frank looking better!’) and the latter presses the former into writing the old man’s eulogy, in ballad form. Morse rises to the task in fine MacGonagall style. (‘They old me, Francis Hinsley/They told me you were hung/With red protruding eyeballs/And black protruding tongue…’) Reading all this out (plus a few half-inched Shakespeare sonnets) he begins to impress the squeaky Comer, who’s starting to think there might be more to him after all than his Nigel Tufnell/Nick Ross countenance may suggest. On to the funeral itself, conducted in LA style – a marriage ceremony is wound up with TV studio-style warning lights, and a swift, Thunderbirds-style changeover is effected for Gielgud’s ceremony. Standing at an imposing eagle-shaped lectern, Morley starts off reading the ballad, tongue and all, but quickly packs it in and busks the rest, thereby blowing his chances of narrating that Woddis On… audiobook. ‘Taking him all in all…this was a man.’ Morse is summarily kicked out of the ex-pat community and now has to fend for himself. ‘The police have developed new methods of dealing with hooligans like you – dogs and cattle prods!’

Morse gets a new job at a cut-price version of Whispering Glades, the Happier Hunting Grounds Pet Cemetery (‘we take care of all the best: Lassie, Trigger, Mr Ed…’), under the direction of the displaced non-Reverend Winters. Sounds like the cue for a cameo, and here come two: it’s Milton Berle and Margaret Leighton, doing a fantastic old school feuding couple act, he all stern putdowns and belts of Scotch, she all faceslapping and projected sobs. They’re satirising the whole idea of pre-’60s film drama, of course, but you can’t help but warm to their VIPs-style fraughtness, parody or no parody. They’re at war over what to do with their ‘loved one’ – who is, of course a dog.

After she pulls a gun and he wrestles her for it, Morse slopes quietly off to eat his sandwiches in the storeroom, which is naturally filled with passed-over pets. Later he makes another unsuccessful lunge at Comer (‘that’s not an ethical thing to do!’) and, true to high satire’s obsession with moments of low comedy – falls in the water. ‘I can’t swim!’ Comer’s torn up about being courted by this well-meaning British klutz, so she seeks advice from The Guru Brahmin – who turns out to be a soused old newspaper agony uncle played excellently by Lionel ‘Moider!’ Stander. His assistant reads out her anguished missive. ‘He tried to blank blank with me!’ Stander dictated no-nonsense advice in his Louis Armstrong growl. These scenes are great, and far too short.

Interior dialogues An acting masterclass. Steiger's not too bad either

Fortunately here comes Steiger again, all breathless handwringing fruity campola, seeking an audience with The Rev in his office, complete with a tray full of duck babies on the desk, for reasons never sought nor given. He lusts after female employees like Ronnie Barker, but there are bigger problems – the Glades is on the financial rocks, and an audacious plan to re-open the cemetery as an old folks’ home is surreptitiously hatched. One minor obstacle – how to get rid of all the corpses currently cluttering up the joint? Tricky. But, avers the Rev, ‘there has to be a way – get those stiffs off my property!’

Plot point two out of the way, it’s time for an infamous set piece. Steiger, now in civvies – a rather fetching candystripe blazer – takes Comer home to meet his bedridden mum, an immense old crone with a pet mynah bird and a food advert obsession. ‘She never misses a King Chicken commercial!’ And makes deranged chomping motions while watching them, virtually orgasming over a Big Boy Crab advert. In the kitchen, Steiger makes dinner, and the campness goes through the roof. ‘Mum’s a heck of a lot of fun, isn’t she? She’s every inch a queen!’ Dinner is an entire suckling pig served up with a cloying ‘Momma’s little Joyboy has piggy, piggy’ refrain, and demolished by the old dear with her bare hands. Never was gross-out comedy so beautifully photographed! This sorry spectacle prompts Comer to send another lovelorn letter to Stander, which receives his full consideration. ‘Tell her to marry the other jerk!’

Morse, meanwhile, visits Comer’s house, which is located – hooray! – in Bronson Canyon, that desolate spot in the Hollywood hills which houses the Batcave, the King of the Rocketmen’s lab, every alien planet the Starship Enterprise ever visited, and countless vulcanised b-movie monsters. Her pad turns out to be a condemned, near-derelict pile built precariously on a ‘slide area’, and filled with random antiques. ‘I surround my self with beauty. I don’t care about what some people call comfort.’ As she swings over a precarious precipice, Morse starts to have second thoughts about this whole deal, and so do we – is it advisable to make your love interest a complete nutter? Kooky, well, yes, that’s fine, even de rigueur at the time, but not dysfunctional, surely? Still, that’s the game being played here – ramp everything up to nutzoid levels. And let’s face it, we’re not dealing with a straight romance here, are we? Barry Norman, perhaps inevitably, writes: ‘Brideshead this ain’t!’

Grotesquerie alert! Planning permission was easier then

Back at the pet cemetery, Winters and Morse are busy burning a dog when a missile crash-lands through the roof. Said projectile is home made, and turns out to be the work of a speccy kid called Gunther, very much in the mould of that propeller-hatted genius chick that silently enraged Foghorn leghorn with his elaborate calculations. Gunther is played by a young Paul Williams, babyfaced proper songwriting genius only a few years away from penning We’ve Only Just Begun, Rainy Days and Mondays and the Love Boat theme. Here, though, he’s press-ganged into launching Steiger’s mum’s dead mynah bird into space, in an experimental new type of pet send-off. Comer, despite jilting the Steig, turns up for the ceremony, which is oddly flash-edited, as Morse intones another winning eulogy (‘Bird, born of egg…’), the rocket buzzes The Reverend’s nearby chopper, and Morse emerges from the launchpad with the requisite low comedy blackface.

Now the fun begins, as Winters the Rev lands and confronts Winters the Dog-burier, and we finally get our two-way special. We blame Alec Guinness for the preponderance of this sort of thing in ’60s cinema, which has to be done incredibly well not to be distracting and annoying. The problem is that, musty old cliché tough it may be, Guinness was a real expert at masking his own persona, so you could forget he was doing his tour de force. At the other extreme – oh, to pluck a name from a hat, Peter Sellers – this sort of business just screams ‘Look! He’s doing two people at once! Fear his acting skills etc.’ in a way that all but drowns out the rest of the film. Hence the bit where the President first chats to Dr Strangelove may tick all the right critical boxes, but gets a bit tiresome. And Soft Beds, Hard Battles is positively knackering to watch, for all the wrong reasons. Here, though, Winters has made a good stab at giving the brothers different voices and mannerisms, a nd the scene’s nicely underplayed, to the actorly pyrotechnics don’t get in the way of the important if rather predictable plot point which sees the two brothers pooling their resources to fire human corpses into space, and save the Rev’s lawns.

But to get hold of the requisite missiles, a bit of buttering up of air force top brass is required, and fortunately the Rev has seen just the man – he’s seen ‘im, he’s seen ‘im! Yep, General Dana Andrews and uniformed chums are invited to a soiree at the Glades, where the chance to romp with some scantily clad lovelies in the display coffins neatly procures funding and makes a clodhopping point about, I dunno, sex and death and war and commerce and stuff, a bit like that Frankie Goes to Hollywood computer game, all to a jangly beach party guitar accompaniment. Andrews, meanwhile, shows he doesn’t have to take his uniform off to have a good time by slugging back the bourbon and pontificating about ‘pink pre-verts’ in a John Wayne accent, thus inviting up another comparison to Strangelove, this one not so favourable. Back at the newspaper, a pissed Stander falls off his chair.

Rocket from the crypt Burning Winters

Comer flees from a desperate Morse via a a car chase through the night-time LA streets, lovingly shot in lurching Seasick-o-vision wide angle, and tracks Stander down to a seedy bar where, in a well-played drunk turn, he laughs in her stupid virginal face and falls off his barstool. With the mocking laughter ringing through her head, she runs through the town and things fragment. We get Steiger weightlifting in his Y-fronts. Reverend Winters indulging in some ace theatrical villain laughter. An odd animated interlude of statues shagging. Mrs Joyboy collapsing under the contents of her fridge. The odd choice epithet – ‘China may brainwash, Russia may educate, but America breeds its genius!’ This is truly unlike any other film, in good ways as much as in bad.

We won’t spoil the ending, indeed we’re not sure we could even adequately describe the bugger. Suffice to say, true love doesn’t exactly win out, and the cargo for the inaugural space funeral isn’t who everyone thinks it is. But this sort of film’s more about the journey than the destination, and what a journey it is. The script is roughly one part Waugh to three part Terry Southern, that architect of big, sprawling counterculture satires who misses as often as he hits, but here he treads that high wire relatively nimbly, putting this entry firmly in the Strangelove enclosure rather than mooching about with the busted flushes like Candy and The Magic Christian. (Casino Royale, needless to say, resides in a special sealed unit all by itself.) It’s hard to pull off this sort of enterprise with anything approaching aplomb, but Southern, great one minute, infuriatingly smug and wayward the next, is as good a practitioner of this messy art form as there’s ever likely to be, and here he wins the battle against self-indulgence… just.

Tony Richardson directs with a strange mix of high-rent Hollywood and kitchen sink shoestringing that takes a bit of getting used to – as does practically everything else about this film, to be fair – but works in a kind of ramshackle way. As we’ve mentioned a dozen times already, the lighting is pin-sharp and luxurious throughout, even when the odd awkward UnSteadicam shot or ramshackle set shows up the fraying ends of the purse strings. This film is often seen as the turkey which broke Richardson’s run of critical and commercial success which spanned five years from Look Back in Anger to Tom Jones, which is mightily unfair McWhirterite statistical reductionism to say the least. Nothing Richardson would do from hereon in would be bracketed up with his early classics, but to lump The Loved One in with half-arsed retreads like The Charge of the Light Brigade and Joseph Andrews is doing this uniquely stupid bit of clever filmmaking a huge disservice.

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The VIPs

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1963

THE PLOT: Terrence Rattigan, creaky old warhorse of West End French window theatre, makes the final stand for old fashioned sighs-’n'-string-sections melodrama in a big ensemble piece centred on London’s fashionable London Airport’s fashionable VIP lounge. Among the passengers are: Paul Andros (Richard Burton) who’s dropping his wife Frances (Liz Taylor) off for a holiday, though she’s secretly going to dump him and fly off for a Stateside knee-trembler with the louche Marc Champselle (Louis Jourdan); bonzer tractor magnate Les Mangrum (Rod Taylor) and his diligent secretary (Maggie Smith); arch film director Max Buba (Orson Welles) and the ditzy Duchess of Brighton (Margaret Rutherford). Will they get to their destinations? How will their stories all intertwine? It’s another busy day at… London Airport!

This one might make most sense if we trot through it as it comes at us, so please be patient. Being one of those Big Old MGM productions, this looks twice as ancient as it is. By the time this came out even Philip Larkin was turning on, but save a few bits of fitted furniture this could have been made at any time in the previous decade. The opening credits have been carefully thought out for one thing; a bit of curtain-up quaintness all the other studios stopped bothering with after Suez. We immediately open on a swish art deco gazebo hosting a lavish dinner party, at which Liz, Dick (he’s on a platter-mounted phone while at table – establish character!) and Louis moon about while their credits appear. Louis and Liz make faces at each other while Burton makes deals on the phone. So there’s your requisite romantic triangle of leads all nicely laid out at the start, like that cheery little cardboard diagram of where the wires go that comes helpfully impaled on the prongs of a 1 3-Amp plug.

Not so much a film, more a guided tour of the world's favourite airport (before it went all boring and modern) What, in the depths of your ignorance, do you suppose 'speedy boarding' to be?

The other stars get similar ‘in their natural environment’ treatment. Dame Margs is spotted in a churchyard, and establishes her ‘dotty yet indomitable’ character with a few quiet moves, emotional economy in action. Liz, take note! Next we see diligent but frustrated, as performed by Maggie Smith at a big old G-Plan office desk. Her boss Rod Taylor, meanwhile, languishes out among his tractors. Then, after Orson looms up in bashed hat and red scarf and mugs furiously at the lens, we get an unselfconsciously clichéd roll of red carpet over the film’s title. (Incidentally, the ‘fun’ doesn’t let up even as we go into the obligatory time-saving photomontage for the rest of the names: the 3/4 of a Punch reader’s dream bridge game that is Dennis Price, Richard Wattis and Ronald Fraser are represented on screen by the grills of Rolls-Royces to denote their well-bred nature, while David Frost is most amusingly symbolised by a Mini. Later, the ‘Miss Elizabeth Taylor’s wardrobe supplied by’ puff is represented with a shot of a moth eaten old cardie slung willy-nilly over a battered chair of the ‘seating for security guard in run-down stately home’ variety. We’re not exactly in Around the World in Eighty Days credits territory here, but they do try.

So, with that catalogue of jet-set accoutrements out of the way, time for the film proper, which will of course turn out to be an even longer catalogue of jet-set accoutrements, as becomes clear from the moment we see Orson’s Cadillac pull into the glory that was London Airport. It’s undeniably swish, is London, with the split-level hangar decked out in yellow and marble, so shot looking from the roof down it’s something of a Festival of Britain vision, but any glimpses of the out of town cash-and-carry roof give it all away.

The VIP restaurant fares better – no open plan EST bar or grim cod-Irish indoor pub for the first class set. It’s all brash-yet-tasteful square orange podia topped by jungle ferns. The high life! But we shouldn’t carp, as with package holidays still beyond most people’s pay packets, a big selling point of this film would really have been the chance to see what London Airport – indeed, any airport, actually looks like inside.

And we are really in the actual airport, as the shite dubbing quickly makes clear. We first get wind of the sound situation when Frostie turns up, playing an exaggerated version of his (reputed, at least) obsequious chat show persona, being all familiar with Welles while sticking the knife in. ‘Excuse me, Mr Buba, but aren’t you rather overweight?’ Orson: ‘???! Oh, the luggage!’ Thus are set both the silly tone of Orson’s comedy vignettes in this film, and the sound levels, Welles in particular, ever the king of atrocious dubbing, sounding like he’s in a Bird’s Eye pea voice over booth rather than standing in a big, echoey airport. Still, the brain adjusts after a while, as it adjusts to pretty much everything else slightly off kilter this film can throw at it, mainly because it’s got no choice.

Out of the way Taylor, we want a clean shot of that Qantas frontage! I'll have the big pointy map with the lights, please

Now here’s Richard Wattis as the brilliantly diligent VIP receptionist, full of just-below-panic-level flightiness and old world deference to his worthy charges. Seeing a well-loved British character actor ham it up with proper Hollywood stars is always a joy, even if the results aren’t comedy gold, and the rule holds here. When Burton admiringly dubs Wattis ‘the best reception manager of any airline in the world,’ we defy you not to lep ten feet in the air with pleasure.

For high comedy that works on its own terms as well, the wait is over. Enter Margs, fiddling about in a bottomless handbag for her vaccination certificate. ‘Do I really need one, In India I went through an epidemic of Black Water Fever… I’m not afraid of smallpox!’ Eventually she produces a ration book. ‘How did that get there?’ Margs hasn’t flown before, so she’s borrowed some ‘uppers’ from her maid, if you please. ‘It’s pepped me up all right! But not just up, in all directions!’ This is all, obviously, brilliant, but it slightly spoils things, in a way. Now the vicarious pleasures of watching the rest of the old school melodramatic shenanigans will be tempered by the desperate desire to see Margs back in action. There can never be enough of the old dear, and her absence casts a bit of a shadow over the violin-washed proceedings throughout.

Speaking of which, the least interesting and therefore biggest chunk of the narrative is choppered onto the airport concourse in an Eskimo coat. As Liz and Dick swan through to the bar, they happen upon Dick’s chum Marc. What a coincidence! ‘You, of all people!’ Meanwhile, Rod has arrived and is the latest contestant in the film’s game show, Waltz Up to Wattis. ‘Orlwroight there! Mangrum’s the name, chairman o’ Mangrum tractors! Brung us a noice, hut cuppa toy!’ Wattis guesses his antipodean roots. ‘Oi always thought oi spoke as English as Macmillan!’ He’s corny is Rod, but he’s a goofy bugger with it, which is more than you get from the film’s other businessman, Dicko.

Meanwhile Maggie Smith gets to communicate her frustration through long admiring looks as Rod yammers urgent business down the line. ‘Top Amalgamated’s offer by a shilling a share! A shilling a share!’ It’s Rod’s destiny to save his tractors via some convoluted ruse that’s incomprehensible to our tiny business-ignorant minds, but involves him having to get to his New York boardroom ahead of some cheque being cashed, or something.

Now Burton’s naffed off leaving Louis alone with Liz. (Incidentally, before this tale gets any duller, and it will exponentially, it’s worth mentioning Rattigan based this bit of the film on a true story, that of his old chum Laurence Olivier, who was cuckolded in just the same manner over Vivien Leigh by Peter Finch.) Louis bangs on about ‘playing the field’ and stiffing rich old duffers at cards. He’s the no good young gadabout, Burton the boring old tycoon. How closely these personas relate to Larry and Pete is uncertain. Liz, sporting so much hair lacquer and red lippy she resembles Ruth Madoc with a lardy cake on her head, voices suspicions of Burton’s suspicions of them. He called Louis a gigolo, she maintains, and Jourdan is outraged. ‘A gigolo?! The nerve! We just paid for these teas!’ he responds, weirdly.

Wattis point? Nice bar mural, don't you think?

Now over to Orson, trussed up in his coat like a fat Bernard Cribbins, or maybe a rapidly greying Paul Shane, discussing tax dodges with his loopy mitteleuropean financial guru. He must leave the country by midnight tonight to avoid losing a million quid to Hector the Inspector. And here comes Frostie again, Timmy Williams played by Timmy Williams. ‘Sorry, I wonder if I could impose on you some questions?’ Welles ignores him, preferring to patronise his daffy Euro-starlet accomplice, the subtly-named Gloria Gritti, played by Elsa Martinelli, who was in Welles’s The Trial at about this time, so we now know what he’s doing here – going through the motions to scare up some cash to pay off that film’s creditors. Which ties in nicely with the tax dodge storyline, which the stereotypically giggly and carefree actress now imprudently blurts out to Frostie.

Never mind that low comedy, high drama kicks in as… it’s announced fog will delay all flights for an hour. Thus the dilemmas are triggered. It transpires Taylor’s left a Dear John letter on Burton’s mantelpiece – there’s now a chance he might see it and come back to the airport before they’re out of it. Rod, obviously, is buggered if his arcane business meeting is missed. Welles will find his self-assessment form takes rather longer to fill in if there’s any further delay. And Margs will be so off her tits as to pose a major security alert. No doubt mulling all this over, the man at the top frets and ponders in his swish, panoramic-windowed office with the grave dynamism only Michael Hordern can give. The sheer scale of managing Britain’s busiest airport is made plain. ‘I have 27 flights due to take off this morning and some 3000 passengers on my hands!’ The Met Office (combined staff: Richard Briers) have let him down again. Hordern expresses his deep concern to a s hocked Wattis in grave yet bizarre terms. ‘If it gets any thicker even the pigeons’ll have to walk!’

Still, the VIPs are given complimentary luncheon vouchers, which placates the stoned Margs, at least. But the others have enough on their plates as it is. Liz phones home, and Burton answers. Ulp. Louis sorely tempts fate by musing ‘something tells me the next hour will drag a bit.’ Sure enough, here he comes, Louis suspecting he’s got a gun on him. They peg it to a safe enough distance to allow Liz to break down in a torrent of Rattigan’s finest cornball emotion. She is, unsurprisingly, having second thoughts about it all. ‘His face – I’ll never forget it as long as I live!’

Look at that. Look at that! And for my next impression.. the first four Dr Whos all at once!

Meanwhile Margs loads up still further. ‘I’ve got two enormous purple things here which apparently knock you out flat!’ Wattis ushers her onto an absurdly spacious plane (your captain: Terence Alexander), where she plonks herself down next to Clifton James and gets into a fine old contretemps with stewardess Moyra Fraser over a hatbox that won’t fit in the compartment. ‘Conductress!’ ‘Did someone call something?’ Moyra is supercilious to a fault, but Margs is more than a match. ‘If you wanted this with the rest of your luggage you should have thought of that before, shouldn’t you?’ ‘If that is a question to me personally, yes. [Tilts hat at rakish angle like Eric Morecambe doing a cod gangster pose prior to a vigorous 'now look sunshine'.] If it is a general comment about human behaviour it is an extremely unoriginal one, and hardly worth making. Kindly dispose of this hat box.’ Margs is, in her own words, ‘flying already’.

Time for more Hollywood star/Brit stalwart interfacing at the BOAC helpdesk with Orson Welles. Behind it, Lance Percival. ‘A million pounds? Now that’s quite a situation to be in I must say, sir!’ Further fog sends Margs off the plane and back into the bar for a large brandy. And now back to the wall, as Louis and Liz commence round two of Rattigan’s ratty dialogue tournament. Liz pours her heart out. Louis responds ‘please, don’t talk like a woman’s magazine!’ A fair point. But it’s better Terry sticks to airless clichés than tries to be witty off his own bat. Liz regards Louis as helpless. ‘Helpless? Me? The most notoriously self-sufficient character of the age?’ Just the sort of thing someone would say!

Burton corners Louis alone and points, but doesn’t fire, the gun, which he was carrying through the airport all the time. Simpler days… Burton instead indulges in that ‘chequebook generosity’ Liz has upbraided him for, and tries to buy Louis off with a cheque for ten grand, signed with a really big pen. But Louis won’t be bought, declaring his genuine love for Liz in phrase s brilliantly fashioned by Rattigan to sound not at all incongruous coming out of a Frenchman’s mouth. ‘You poor bloody idiot!’ I love her, Paul. The only woman in my life I ever have loved…’ Cue violins. Louis joins in the slagging of Burton’s expensive but thoughtless gifts. ‘She’d rather have had the odd toy duck from Woolworth’s if you’d chosen it yourself!’ Burton in turn impugns upon Louis’s good name. ‘You’re a gigolo! a buffoon! a professional diner outer!’ Louis tries to reason with him. ‘Killing me won’t get your wife back! e Eventually he leaves, and Liz looks even more bereft. Or is she just knackered?

Peas grow where? 1963, and everything luxurious is, well... pointy.

She probably is, as all flights are grounded until morning, so we relocate to a swish hotel full of wedge-shaped G-Plan sofas, terracotta walls, ethnic sculptures bunged in crevices, cardboard lift doors and big brass urns full of bulrushes on plinths. Margs totters in accompanied by the Brass Eye Answer Prancer music. Orson’s accountant has ‘lost himself in the woods near somewhere called…Bore-Ham.’ And Liz continues to strop it out. There’s no sign here of the ‘any good’ Taylor of Virginia Woolf here, that’s for sure. mind you, with dialogue like Ratty’s, what’s there to be done except Mills-and-Boon it up? Cue strings again, as Louis gazes rapt into Liz’s limpid pools.

Outside, Orson, faced with bankruptcy, marries his star for a desperate, last minute tax break. But surely that’s only come into force during the next financial year? Maggie continues with her ‘nunnishly devoted secretary who looks increasingly like a brunette June Whitfield’ shtick as Rod drowns his sorrows. ‘Once the crocodiles get ya, ya stay got at!’ But at least they’re a bit silly. Back at the narrative coalface, Liz has teased a flange of hair our of her tonsorial lardy cake and put on a hot pink number. She and Burton engage in one of those big, tense, on-opposite-sides-of-the-room-looking-away-from-each-other whispered conversations. ‘No, Paul! It’s too late now!’ ‘Have these eleven years meant nothing to you?’ ‘I thought I was giving you enough! But I was wrong. You wanted more!’ ‘That’s the kind of husband I am!’ Finally he forces her arm through a mirrored wardrobe door. Undone by high rent glamour! ‘I don’t belong to anyone now! Love me yes, and need me above all, but… I’m a person!’

Now those narrative strands start coming together with subtle storytelling deftness. Or great big wodges of telegraphed clodhoppery, whichever is in readier supply. Maggie and Rod, now quite ‘squiffy’ after a conciliatory blow-out, spot the dejected Burton at the bar. Rod is in awe. ‘Comparing him to me is like comparing Sydney Harbour Bridge to a pontoon!’ Rod must have loved delivering that line. Spoiling the party, Rod’s missus, ex-Mrs Tyrone Power Linda Christian, turns up in her brand new leopard skin pill-box hat. Maggie mousily shrinks off, but plucks up enough mousey courage to beg Richard Burton for the requisite 150,000-odd smackeroos needed to save Rod’s tractor-making arse. Miraculously (read: astonishingly unconvincingly) he coughs up, signing the cheque with an even bigger pen, and Mags returns to Rodd triumphant. ‘Wacko! You little beauty!’ In something approaching a subtle touch, wifey is now all but forgotten, and slinks out as Mags and Rod go business bonker s together. Maggie is now all confident smouldering and tonsil-flaunting laughs, having gone on Her Journey in about four minutes flat. Still, it’s sweet enough, stopping recklessly just short of ‘without your glasses, you’re beautiful!’ territory.

"I... just... couldn't resist this fancy-yet-ineffably-corny shot!" The plot's moving fast now, but... ah, sod it, this is what we're here for

Back downstairs, Burton is a broken man, cracking up in an uncannily similar way to Herbert Lom in the Pink Panther films. Let’s hope he doesn’t shoot off his nose with that gun the security staff presumably still haven’t found. Meanwhile Margs, not keen to go to bed, scores more amphetamines off the elderly night porter, who is of course Rutherford’s husband Stringer Davis doing his contractually obliged cameo. Suitably doped up, she goes into a reverie of Old England. ‘Do you know a village in Sussex called Thaxmead?’ She makes heavy use of that little ‘eyes shut, mouth makes little ‘Ooooh!’ of silent rapture’ expression Patricia Routledge would later employ in many a Kitty monologue.

The dawn is heralded with a stirring panoramic shot of the airfield with one plane on it. Wattis is fretting about a visiting Russian delegation. ‘Lay on champagne, caviar and cake. Some sort of Russian looking cake.’ Louis and Liz leave through the airport’s modernist stained glass lobby and into the Caddy with rotten back projection, looking even more incongruous than usual, as it’s Liz Taylor in front of a projection of some overcast rows of semis in Hounslow.

More story strands are ham-fistedly woven together as Welles eyes a stately home on a poster for a film location – which turns out to belong to Margs! The money’s good, and she no longer has to leave the country! Sadly that also means she’s no longer in this film, and the departure of her dowager Tom Baker feels like the end of the film. As indeed it is. Rod and Maggie finally cop off. Liz gets a suicide note from Dick, and makes her choice breathily. ‘I love you Marc, but I must leave you. You and I can never see each other as long as we live… Now go and catch that plane!’ A fur hatted Liz runs across the airport, in a big showy scene featuring all those duty free shops in full glory, to collapse in Burton’s arms outside London Airport’s equivalent of Waterstone’s. Her final words are uncannily like those which would end Boom! some five years later. ‘I’m so tired… take me home.’

What? Money worries that have been plaguing you the whole film? I'll write a cheque! Who are you anyway? Shock ending - Smith's are out of Robert Morley's Book of Bricks!

Why is this dollop of mouldering chocolate box fluff so watchable? It can’t just be the table lamps. So why do we, died-in-the-wool Gone with the Wind haters that we are, love this sort of stuff? After all, MGM had barely changed their romantic drama style in the intervening 30-odd years between the two films. Perhaps it’s the fun of seeing an old warhorse of a sub-genre being unceremoniously packed off to the knacker’s yard, foaming slightly at the mouth. And speaking of Liz, well, she’s still firmly aping the old matinee idols here, but her impression’s too crap to tell if she’s trying to do Vivien Leigh or not. (We mean Gone with the Wind Vivien Leigh; we know she’s doing the standing-up-Sir-Larry Vivien Leigh. God, this gets confusing.) She certainly comes worst out of the three nascent Dames in the picture, Maggie trouncing all her tearful cupboard-clobbering self harm with a supressed whimper, and of course La Rutherford burying the both of them with, of all things, a comedy stoner act – thus ironically providing the only vaguely 1960s element of the film, as well as the only vaguely funny one.

Was Margs’s Oscar a bit OTT, a hasty ‘it’s for everything else she’s done, really’ gong flung at the venerable old bird on her final approach to the end eternal twig? Maybe, but she wipes everyone else off that slippy marble floor with ease, and deserved to beat even fellow ennobled nominee Edith Evans, who was up for Miss Western in Tom Jones, a film that had proper jokes in it and everything. And as well as the stars, there’s Orson Welles to show everyone how not to do a cameo – taking the piss, copping Rentaghost-sized double takes and generally treating the entire enterprise with such self-important contempt he might as well have studded the back of his coat with ‘I’m only doing this shite for the cash’ in rhinestones. The ego-free Margs relishes any work – no job too small, and no childishly indignant ‘I’m better than this!’ bluster for her. A proper pro at work. Dame 1, ‘Master’ 0. And we bet she does a mean frozen pea voiceover too.

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Theatre of Blood

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1973

Horror comedy is never an easy gig, combining two genres that are mutually exclusive at best, at worst actively pulling against each other. Add to that the fact horror films have, from Bride of Frankenstein onwards, exhibited a healthy knowledge of their own daftness anyway, and the task of the horror parodist becomes Herculean.

Hordern! Keep away from children and tramps

Theatre of Blood, a prime cut of United Artists folderol, is well up to the challenge. That grand master of borderline self parody, Vincent Price, is Edward Lionheart, a classical actor of the declamatory old school miffed at constant desultory notices and the incursion of trendible ‘Method’ types on what he sees as his turf. Eddie sets out to off the eight members of the London Critics’ Circle who’ve served up his most crushing reviews. Being a Bardhead, he themes each death after an on-stage coil-shuffling in each of the Shakespeare plays he’s been slagged off for being shite in, making it up when the plot doesn’t quite fit his purposes.

Honey glazed ham The Lowe-Morley interface in full effect

This leads to some memorable vignettes indeed – Robert Morley choking on his own poodles and Arthur Lowe’s severed head are the most famous, but there’s also the brilliant death-by-perm for Coral Browne, Dennis Price being dragged behind a horse, Ian Hendry facing an ocular dagger mechanism straight out of The Perils of Penelope Pitstop, and the, er, singular spectacle of Price in a white suit humping away at Diana Dors before Jack Hawkins bursts in and strangles her.

Who's that in the Rigg-ing? Price crunch!

But it’s more than a series of Sellotaped-together bumpings-off, as Eddie’s tragic backstory gradually revealed, and there’s a nicely gruesome technique of using the body (or bits thereof) of the previous victim to hound the remaining nerks. It was reputedly Vinny’s favourite of all his films, and it’s not hard to see why: a green light for unrestrained fruitiness, umpteen costume changes, bizarre make-up, action scenes aplenty, a suicide, the chance to electrocute his future wife while impersonating Princess Margaret’s hairdresser, assorted camply wonky European accents and eight separate Shakespeare recitals. Handed the opportunity of a lifetime, Price inevitably runs riot, but as well as providing fantastic entertainment all along the line, his singular ability to make the ham look convincing as a ham, and not just an actor’s hammy idea of a ham, helps the club-footed logic of the baroque serial killer film no end.

Don't panic! Swoon...

The rest of the cast bulges with notables. Diana Rigg is Eddie’s daughter-cum-partner-in-crime. On their tail are the regulation blundering plods, senior detective Milo O’Shea (silver-haired, bluff, one step behind but doesn’t like it pointed out) and dogged sergeant Eric Sykes. The critics vary from the shamefully underused (Michael Hordern, Arthur Lowe) to the brilliantly overdone (Harry Andrews and Morley), and a well-judged ‘main victim’ performance from the always-reliable Ian Hendry. Then there’s Joan Hickson being repeatedly injected in the arse, Madeline Smith as a secretary, and Stanley ‘Bungle off Rainbow‘ Bates reviving a drowned Price with a Mazola bottle half-full of meths.

Sykes and a... tache *That* mirror shot. Applause, please

Blood takes place in real ’70s London, in and around real landmarks, with real knackered old police Ford Zephyrs to boot. Consequently, it all looks grand. Director Douglas Hickox pulls off enough fantastic little moments to put Kubrick worshippers in the ‘Eight Idols or Less’ queue. Thrill as Michael Hordern is vertically stabbed against a sheet of polythene! Marvel at the incredibly complex horse-in-a-make-up-mirror shot! Swoon as the camera follows Price from balcony to balcony of reciting Hamlet! And stare open-mouthed at the use of wide-angle lenses in general, coming to a head when Hendry faces off with Vince in a trampoline-boosted fencing tournament. No other horror film – no other film, come to that – varies so wildly in tone.

Blimey, the wife! Vinnnie flambees the Steak Diana

Anthony Greville-Bell’s script perfectly balances on the point of self-parody, yet it’s serious enough within its own daft world to deliver some genuinely chilling goods – Hordern’s violent death in particular is not easily expunged from the memory. This is how to do horror parody: first, take horror itself seriously, then let daftness reign as you extrapolate a warped version of it, but make sure you turn the seriousness back up when it comes to the characters. Camp Lionheart may be, but he’s clearly deadly serious.

Besides, you have to love a film that credits a ‘Meths-Drinker Choreographer’.

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Topkapi

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1964

In 1955 top noir director Jules Dassin made top serious heist drama Rififi on a budget of sod all, and stormed Cannes with it, mainly thanks to the lengthy, elaborate and near-silent sequence at the centre of the film where the jewel robbery is taking place. Americans, as is their wont, started copying it. The copies became gradually more outlandish and overblown until, with the dawning of the ‘60s, that unique film genre with almost no connection to criminal reality, the caper comedy, was born.

Nice hat, shame about the acting Manchild alert!

The rules of this genre faithfully followed Dassin’s original dress pattern. Start with the assembling of the gang (a rag-tag band of misfits each with a special skill, preferably), move on through outlining of the plot and training, and build up to the (hopefully) ingenious, suspenseful and showstopping heist itself, before rounding things off with a ‘best laid plans’ coda where it all goes horribly wrong. When it works, it works like nothing else in cinema. There’s nothing like watching an immensely satisfying harebrained scheme being carried out like clockwork, allowing the audience to root for a bunch of unreconstructed career criminals (violence, tellingly, is rarely used), before hypocritically switching to a ‘yes of course, well they had it coming’ position when the fall inevitably arrives. The spectator gets to feel part of this hyper-smart gang, while enjoying the diplomatic immunity conferred by their ticket stub, and a deeply satisfying cake is had and eaten in the stalls.

Spiv alert! Rustic homoeroticism alert!

Dassin, understandably, felt he wasn’t getting his due for starting the whole ball rolling more or less single-handedly. What to do? Write a sniffy article in Cahiers Du Cinema rubbishing his imitators? Withdraw pompously from making films altogether and take up Macramé instead? No, he decided to beat the caper copyists at their own game. And Topkapi is probably the most eloquent “Look mate, if you’re going to rip me off, this is how you should do it” riposte in the history of film.

Saucepot Greek jewel forger (and future Mrs Dassin) Melina Mercouri hooks up with her ex-squeeze, scheming criminal genius Maximilian Schell, to nick a Sultan’s priceless emerald-inlaid dagger from a museum in the titular Turkish locale. Along the way they recruit foppish gadget maverick Robert Morley, a circus strongman and a ‘my body is my tool’ acrobat-cum-mime. A sound gang, but when they look for an arms courier the best they can find is small-time con man Peter Ustinov.

Manchild al- you get the idea Turkey's Strongest Man, second leg

The Turkish police get wind of something fishy when they catch Oosti-Boosti at the border with a load of grenades, so enlist him to spy on Schell’s gang from the inside, which of course is a rubbish thing to do as he’s a bumbling fool who knows damn all about what’s going on, and has to fight off the amorous intentions of a deranged chef who keeps popping up for no concrete reason at all, before an accident forces him reluctantly into the strongman role, and the heist is on.

From the broad comedy of the early scenes, through the occasional longeur (the romantic banter twixt Schell and Mercouri falls mighty flat), we’re treated to a slow, steady build-up to the inevitable climax, with the odd pitfall followed by ingenious change of tactics along the way, as per genre regulations. This being the ‘60s, there’s also lashings of travelogue-style footage of Turkish locales (bazaars, docks, mosques, and a decidedly odd mass oiled-up wrestling tournament) – all exquisitely photographed.

It'd take too long to explain Vertigo

The forty minute, near-wordless heist is not only gag-packed, but truly nail-biting. While Mercouri, Morley and a mechanical parrot distract the guards, the intrepid trio scamper across museum rooftops in a vertiginously filmed sequence that makes the viewer almost as queasy as height-fearing Ustinov. Then Schell and Usters brace themselves at the top of the rope while the acrobat’s lowered through a window and down onto the display case via an elaborate pulley system, to avoid setting off the pressure-sensitive floor alarm. It’s a brilliantly ingenious excuse for high-wire acrobatics and heart-stopping slip-ups, and naturally it’s been cheerfully ripped off countless times by productions including, in descending order of merit: an episode of Thunderbirds, Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo, and Mission: Impossible. But they needlessly tarted it up with noise and orchestral scores, whereas Dassin chooses this point to cut the film back to bare bones: silent chambers, anguished grimaces, the creak of the rope, and most importantly, no incidental music whatsoever.

Yikes Rip-offs at the ready, Hollywood!

The performances, admittedly, are not all so breathtaking. Schell’s phoning his act in from the suave exchange, and Mercouri’s on hands-free from the Blackwall Tunnel – she’s supposed to be a criminal legend-cum-impetuous nymphomaniac, but sub-Eartha Kitt come hither purring is as well-developed as that gets. Fortunately the Brits come through with the goods – Morley’s eccentrically childlike gadget lover could have been written for, even by, him.

Ustinov’s hapless Arthur Simpson, however, is another matter. It’s common practice to make the bumbling liability in any criminal gang the broadest of broad comic turns – think Benny Hill’s ‘big lady’-mad prof in The Italian Job. Ustinov could’ve done that in his sleep, but instead goes in entirely the other direction, and hits on a mumbling, realistic way of speaking (in a soft midlands accent) which seems on another planet from Mercouri and Schell’s stilted continental slickness, which as they’re meant to be worlds apart anyway is entirely appropriate. Thus the bumbling comic relief is elevated to key figure and focus of audience sympathy – Dassin gleefully trampling all over one of the sacred rules of the genre he unwittingly helped create.

The best caper scene ever filmed But not the best caper ever devised

Ustinov was originally offered the Clouseau role in The Pink Panther about the same time Peter Sellers landed Simpson in Topkapi, but they both turned them down and ended up swapping jobs. Peter U then won the ’65 supporting role Oscar while Pete S lucked out of the starring role award for Dr Strangelove the same year. Ustinov promptly installed his gong in the lav. Nice one, Arthur.

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Twinky

Posted in Posted in Films > Cream Classics | 2 Comments »
1969

THE PLOT: 38-year-old American writer of erotic fiction Scott Wardman (Charles Bronson) falls for a swinging 16-year-old London girl (Susan George). Big trub all round!

It was inevitable the ’60s would produce a comedy Lolita. The twin trends of ‘edgy’ age of consent taboo-poking and silly, sped-up, knees-bent-running-about slapstick comedy were bound to end up colliding somewhere over North London before the decade fell over. Well, they weren’t bound to at all really, but they did all the same. It was that kind of decade! And this film marks the spot where the social realism of Karel ‘Morgan!‘ Reisz’s Saturday Night and Sunday Morning met the silent whimsy of Richard ‘Superman III‘ Lester’s A Hard Day’s Night head on.

Not sure if we've got a particularly bad copy of this film or not, to be honest. Sir Henry, about to get his Rawlinson End away

Richard ‘Superman II’ Donner directs, following on from overseeing daffy Rat Pack Bond pisstake Salt and Pepper. The script comes from one Norman Thaddeus Vane, fresh from penning last year’s Herman’s Hermits vehicle Mrs Brown You’ve Got a Crunchy Snack There. The sprightly songs spring from the ever-chipper quill of Jim Dale. As a lovely old United Dairies milk float trundles down an overcast Rylance Mews, accompanied by a chirpy, 2000mph trumpet-led swinging theme that wouldn’t be out of place heralding a Bruce Forsyth-helmed variety spectacular, it’s hard not to have the grudging expectation that this could well, in some small way, be any good. Let’s get the Rank Organisation/World Film Services network together!

We cut to a none-more-middle-class Ask the Family-style breakfast table (‘stop doing whatever it is you’re not supposed to be doing!’), as dad Mr Londonderry (Michael Craig) and bespectacled, frustrated mum (Honor Blackman) reprimand daughter Sybil (Susan George) for reading a lewd paperback. ‘Absolutely filthy! Your grandfather will hear of this!’ Gramps turns out to be a routinely eccentric, trigger happy (‘Churchill may have signed a peace treaty but I haven’t!’) generically geriatrically bawdy, and played by Trevor Howard, in the first of many fun to spot but ultimately not really any good character cameos.

Ah, Danish! Got any Edison Lighthouse?

This lengthy exposition is jollied up by cutting between the family table and scenes between Bronson and Sybil (or Twinky as he calls her – confusingly he also calls her Lola when he feels like it) in the former’s echoey bachelor pad. (Sound quality in this all-location shoot is diabolical, worse than the Children’s Film Foundation at its most cash-strapped.) Bronson is supposedly 38, but looks a fright, with Planet of the Apes chops and a Leonard Nimoy Number Eight Crop on top of his head – one of those ‘every hair on the scalp precisely one inch long’ jobs, a haircut to identify psychopaths by. He gurgles and wheezes his God-awful lines in a voice halfway between Johnny Cash and Jackie Mason, like he was an especially disaffected tour guide at The American Adventure in the middle of February. In short, he’s not ‘Scott Wardman’, he’s Charles Bronson as bloody ever, and anyone coming to this film with a fine tooth comb in a little tortoiseshell case ready to search this film for evidence of any redeeming features about the man, don’t bother. As ever, there are none.

Countering this, Susan George is terrible in a different way, overdoing the squeaky jolly hockey sticks manner to boiler-busting levels. (‘I’m in a muddle as to whether to tell you something or not!’) It’s intensely irritating, especially in Bronson’s grotty, overlit, echoey kitchenette – a cross between Jenny Agutter in The Railway Children and Harry Enfield’s annoying Kid Brother. No matter how ‘swinging’ the editing style gets, any scene with this pair in it (which is most of the film) goes by very slowly indeed. To wit: Twinky fries breakfast while Bronson smokes his pipe on the bog. She inevitably gets distracted, and it burns to a comedy dramatic musical sting. Except this plays more like a public information film than a featherweight slice of atavistic ribaldry, so vast is the chasm between the way this drab little story looks – cheap and shoddy and falling apart and unremittingly grim – and the way everyone’s playing it, as a sort of underage sex edition of ponderous first series Grange Hill, peppered with stray gags left over from Rentaghost.

Honor's turn with the 1960s white-framed shades No make-up in school time, Suzanne!

Bronson is a writer of trashy soft porn, and it’s his book Twinky’s been caught with. The family continue to debate at home – Blackman ‘can’t see what all the fuss is about’, Trev Howard avers ‘larger, perfectly innocent words begin with f’. When the truth of the affair is gradually revealed (and by gradually we mean suddenly, in a no doubt intentionally virtuoso jump cut from Twinky giggling to Blackman in tears), solicitors are called. Oh good, the family’s solicitor is Lionel Jeffries. Mr Port-Out-Starboard-Home, on the phone, gleefully gossips about the confidential case to a client in the office with him, Eric Chitty. (‘It’s statutory rape!’) Word of Bronson’s nationality comes over the wire. ‘He’s American? I’ll have to have a peep in the immigration act!’ Twinks explains to a sluggish Bronno that ‘English laws are very stiff’, particularly if they come up before a friend of her father’s, Judge Roxbrough, played in a whimsical flash cutaway by Robert Morley. (‘Unfortunately even flogging has been removed for this offence…’) Or, he might find himself up before mummy’s friend, the more lenient Justice Millingdon-Draper. (Jack Hawkins, who suspends his driving licence in a similar gag cut).

There follows a ‘family discussion’ (which Craig runs like a United Nations resolution meeting, complete with arcane voting system) which goes against Twinky’s favour, and sanctions are duly invoked. (‘Oh daddy, please can I have my transistor radio back?’) Two coppers (among them Leslie Schofield) descend on Chuck’s all-white, easy-like-Sunday-morning loft space asking questions about a dodgy Visa. Twinko stupidly tries to impress the plods, and some vintage screwball dialogue ensues. ‘He’s a writer! His book’s so good it’s even been banned in England!’ ‘She’s put you in it now, sir!’ ‘Yup!’ ‘Oh gosh, have I?’ ‘Yup!’ Er, that’s it. Oh, there’s a great line afterwards, where Twinky comforts herself about Chuck’s impending forced departure with a Curly-Wurly: ‘I don’t want my last memories of you smeared with chocolate!’ Then there are the ‘telling’ scenes when La George reveals her inner child (even fluffier than the outer one: e Oh Scott, I just remembered, our school’s got a hockey match on Saturday, can we go?’) and, in the film’s most gruesome sequence, Bronky grades her on sex. (‘Straight A’s!’ Groo…)

Is that Edward Judd's roll-neck off the Think Bike campaign? The Two of Us title sequence not the unique artistic event we assumed shock!

To leaven this bilious tendency, Jim Dale sweeps back onto the soundtrack with a lilting composition, backed by Timotei flutes, called The Lonely Year. (‘She is the dawn, and like the dawn she brings the sunny day to the lonely year…’) He sings this in a strangely put-on posh crooner’s voice, for reasons best known to himself, while Bronny and Twinko snog on a traffic island. As if the script couldn’t get any more clichéd, they decide to elope to Gretna Green. ‘Oh Scotty, you’ll be my mummy and daddy, sweetheart and teacher all rolled into one! You’ll be my super new grandfather!’ They’re married by Eric Barker, who may just be putting on his Scottish accent (‘That’ll be five poonds! A two shines and saxpence fer tha starne!’) Time for a balloons-on-car ‘just married’ montage, and another Dale composition, Go Where the Sky Goes. (‘Go where the sky goes/Tomorrow’s catching up with you, so don’t let go today/Go where wind blows/Just stop at Hertz and rent a breeze and you’ll be on the way/Like a coloured balloon…’)

The marriage becomes notorious (no need to explain why!) and the honeymooning pair check their press cuttings with glee. Bronson muses he’ll become ‘the butt of every TV comic in England’ and sure enough, we flash cut to Norman Vaughan and Jimmy Tarbuck in full-on stand-up mode, alternating lines on the same gag. (Norm: ‘When they booked into their honeymoon hotel they didn’t have the birthday suite…’ Tarby: ‘…they had the romper room!’)

'Right!' You have to match the lampshade

Still, George has become the toast of the school changing rooms, where the film briefly threatens to turn into something very different indeed, but fortunately doesn’t. Or maybe it does, as Trevor Howard is suddenly among the girls for some reason, in the requisite split level pad. He’s a fan of the book Bronno’s based on his Georgian affair (‘I enjoyed the chapter where they both had a bath in olive oil,’ he vouchsafes). Meanwhile, Craig lays down the law while Blackman acts out her panto ‘frustrated housewife’ fag-packet character in the background. ‘There are three things I don’t like about you from the start – you’re ugly, you’re middle aged, you’re filthy and you’re American!’ Bronco, without missing a beat: ‘That’s four!’ No punchline knowingly untelegraphed, it would seem – Norman Thaddeus Vane is the spiritual Godfather of Chucklevision.

So it’s off to America with the pair of them, and an awkward meeting which Charlie’s all-American family, headed by the great (but very old-looking here) Paul ‘Colonel Hall’ Ford in a flat cap, keen to know about his new wife (‘ A British girl? Some of them are very lovely!’) The inevitable reveal, given an unnecessary two minutes of build up, is just the meat-and-potatoes ‘slack-jawed group shot’ textbook gag you’d expect. ‘He’s a nymphetishist!’ But Ford’s nervously diplomatic: ‘Son, she’s as pretty as an 18 year old!’ Things turn to shit rather quickly in New York. George partakes in the wimpiest Vietnam-era student demo you ever saw. Bronson tries to get her out (her arrest not being what they want at this juncture) and ends up punching out a cop to Batman comedy musical squeaks. She comforts him in the police cell: ‘Don’t worry! You’ll be home by six!’ Cut to judge: ‘Thirty days! Bang! (Of gavel!)’ Who said great comedy was something you had to strive for?

Realistic street ruckus! 'Groovy '60s party' wallpaper goes up easy

With Bron in the slammer, Twinky does up their plush new flat, in the inescapable style of the time – a sped-up comedy collapsing DIY montage, with George putting up wobbly shelves to the sound of a Nickelodeon piano. It must be said that, though the funnies in this script are funny only because we’ve called them funnies to differentiate between that which might just possibly be intended to be funny and that which clearly wasn’t intended to be funny, even though both funnies and non-funnies are uniformly unfunny – in spite of that, the script never passes up an opportunity for a funny. When Bronco’s pal Hal visits him in the prison booth, there’s a faltering, laboured gag where Charlie’s too far from the microphone. It’s funny because it’s true! When he gets out, he goes to the flat, but she’s organised a swinging teenage party, and pretends not to know him on the intercom. Bronson is summarily discharged from the premises by the doorman, aka Jerry Seinfeld’s dad.

Relations are strained; Bronco’s reduced to penning adverts and the writing is officially on the Jefferson Airplane poster-covered wall. There’s a long chat between the two which briefly threatens to move into interesting territory but falls off on Neighbours-level attempts at sour naturalism. ‘Last night that cat had an accident on one of my commercials!’ ‘Permission to speak… have we really had it?’ ‘Wash the back of your neck!’ The end in sight, George breaks down into Gainsborough Pictures-style floods of over-enunciated ‘a-boo-hoo-hoo’ tears. (‘It’ll be funny being a washed out divorcee at sixteen!’) She goes briefly missing and he fears the worst. Amidst the turmoil, the cat goes without grub.

Meta-satires! I failed the test card audition, by the way

Finally, she just, er, buggers off, with another exchange of Thaddeus Vane’s patent full strength ‘just like real life’ epithets. (‘I love you quite rather a lot – you’re not a bad old egg.’) Then she’s away on her stowaway shopping bike, to resume her grainily posh English childhood untroubled by thoughts of Bronson’s looming, simian, ‘Casey Kasem dipped head first in iron filings’ face. And who better to send her gliding on her merry way than Jim Dale? ‘Pretty young girl with a two-wheel bike/All grown up and it just don’t seem right/Gone and broke your heart too soon/You’ll get over it/Just one summer and a month or two/You’ll start laughing like the way you used to/You fell in love too soon/Pretty crazy, dizzy as a daisy/That’s the game you play/Now it’s time to play the grown up way…’

Perhaps it goes without saying, but this was the one out of all these films we only watched all the way through in order to write this middle bit (we’ll take the heartfelt expressions of gratitude at this selfless act as read, thanks). It’s a chore to stay interested in this pair of caricatured no-marks and their tiresome fling, which they seem to be having purely because without it this would be a very dull film indeed. Even with it, you’re out cold in minutes. You know the way The Knack has a, er, knack for mixing slapstick tomfoolery with slightly unsettling sexual deviancy, setting up what Geoffrey Grigson, if you pointed a gun at him, might call a fruitful tension between the two? Well, everything that film does, this film tries to do twice as controversially, misses its footing in the process, and falls backwards into a trestle table plied high with raspberry pavlova. The gritty social realism elements don’t produce an exciting tension with the freewheeling comedy elements, they just sort of silently sit there side by side like two completely dissimilar strangers doomed to an afternoon of stilted boredom thanks to a thoughtless wedding reception seating plan.

Stephen J Cannell presents... We've spent a lot of money on this helicopter...

Nothing happens at tremendous speed. The character actor cameos just turn up, turn round and piss off the stage, with no fun to be had like there is with, say, Bunny Lake. The comedy’s so broad and corny a soundtrack of gleefully groaning Play Away audience members wouldn’t go amiss. The result is fart. That the characters are boringly black and white is bad enough, but since the cardboard uptight father is just as nothing-doing as grandad’s by-the-numbers colonial eccentricity, it all merges into a grey splodge (which is what all available prints of this film will look like until it’s picked up on DVD). Likewise, the ‘controv’ storyline just sits about, taking its own controversy as excuse enough never to actually go anywhere or do anything. It combines the worst, smug excesses of the taboo-breaking attention seeker with the slapdash fag-packetry of half-arsed sitcom sloppage. The result is a strangely neutral film, that starts, goes on a bit, and then just sort of ends, leaving nonplussed expressions on every exposed surface. Still, as the ever-optimistic Paul Ford might mollifyingly say, Jim’s good value, isn’t he?

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Warner Brothers Cartoons

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We love Tom and Jerry. We think Tex Avery is The Man. We even have a sliver of admiration for those murky old Fleischer Brothers jazz cartoons. But for us, as for so many others, the kings of the cartoon short were always Warner Brothers. But which of the studio’s multifarious output from the twenties to the sixties (The Animaniacs et al, being of a more post-Simpsons, knowing stripe, don’t quite count) is the worst, which is the best? Join us as we don our Bosko the Talk-Ink Kid t-shirts for a trawl through Termite Terrace’s triumphs and troughs.

Let’s get the troughs out of the way first. It’s probably unfair to pick on the really early Harman-Ising musical efforts, but we have to say that their trademark murkily recorded three-part close harmony singing is worse than nails down a blackboard to our ears. Then there’s the infamous I LOVE TO SINGA, in which young Owl Jolson angers his traditionalist dad by forsaking worthy hymns like Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes for a shot at X-Factor-style stardom singing the eponymous David Jacobs-friendly ditty in a TV talent contest hosted by a cigar-chomping rabbit. We’ve got a grudging fondness for this bit of glutinous whimsy in retrospect, although we hated its perennial appearance on Rolf’s Cartoon Time back in the day, taking up valuable space where Claude Cat (of whom more anon) could be doing his thing. Singa was made under the aegis of a nacent Tex ‘Fred’ Avery, who would go on to take the piss out of the ‘wide-eyed woodland folk’ school of cartooning with the likes of Screwy Squirrel at MGM.

I Love to Singa: Queasily quaint Sniffles: "Oh, brudder!"

Chuck ‘Charles M’ Jones, meanwhile, was drawing painfully cute whimsy such as SNIFFLES AND THE BOOKWORM, in which a wide-eyed mouse inconsequentially arses about with a short-sighted bookworm, with lots of slow, over-deliberate action along the way. Another feature of this sort of cartoon is the episodic chain of visual gags based on pictures in books coming to life, which formed the basis of quite a few cartoons with no main character in the early years, usually under Hugh Harman’s direction. Often a lot of the books or products which came to life were very much of their time, a problem that bedevilled the handful of Warner cartoons featuring caricatures of the studio’s live action stars. When Rolf prefaced one of these with a lengthy preamble explaining who the Ritz Brothers et al used to be, truly the heart sank. Other forgotten references included gags about war bonds and the like, and we’ll draw a veil over the infamous, Jap-baiting ‘here ya go, slit-eyes’ propaganda cartoons of that period, for decency’s sake.

Then you’ve got the awful Seven Arts period, with poor quality Hanna- Barbera clones (Warners copying H-B, for God’s sake!) like Bunny and Claude. Worst of all, though, was the dismal pairing of Speedy and Daffy for a series of pointless chases. Speedy Gonzales was always a pain in the arse, but to see the once unimpeachable Daffy dragged down to that level is painful viewing indeed. So let’s pick MUCHOS LOCOS (it doesn’t really matter which one, to be honest) as the worst WB cartoon, given that the early misfires could at least be argued to have contributed towards later successes (by showing what didn’t work) whereas Speedy and Daffy had no legacy whatsoever, apart from that annoying spinny minimalist title sequence and Bill Lava’s tedious incidental music.

So, what’s the best cartoon from WB’s Golden Age? Well, it’s not DUCK AMUCK or WHAT’S OPERA, DOC? for a start. There’s nothing wrong with them, of course: they really are great. But in a pantheon which consisted of so many greats, they’re not that great. Opera in particular is Chuck Jones at his most indulgent and, more importantly, least funny – yes, we see how you’ve crafted balletic moves for Bugs to prance about, but while that’s going on, where’s the gag? What we want from Warners is a stream of quality wit and slapstick – we’ll go to Disney if we want subtlety and craft for its own sake. A bit harsh perhaps, (after all, what use is an animated gag if it’s not well animated?) but it’s always annoyed us that the whole Warner stable of cartoons has been boiled down to a half- dozen ‘classics’ in this way. One often-bigged-up cartoon that does deserve it, however, is DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24TH AND A HALFTH CENTURY. Beautifully crafted (the backgrounds alone are works of abstract genius) but never forgetting to be funny with it. The jury’s still out on ONE FROGGY EVENING – it’s got a good Tales of the Unexpected-type plot (and how rare is that in the world of the knockabout cartoon?), and great expressions of exasperation on the hapless frog owner’s face during the constant no-shows, but it’s all a bit hermetic for us – where’s the good old Warner’s showbiz roistering atmosphere? We’re fickle like that.

Duck Dodgers: Elegant design meets vintage laffs! Michigan J Frog in action

So fickle, in fact, that we’ve just decided that Bugs Bunny isn’t all that great, really. And we’re not playing to the crowd here, we genuinely think his place as the WB figurehead is arbitrary at best. WB characters usually exist on one of two levels – stooges to laugh at (Daffy being the prime example) and smartarses we identify with. Bugs is the latter, natch, and while his asides to camera are often great (“The way I work this thing you’d think I knew something about it!” and of course “You realise this means war!“) he’s too damn invincible – after the initial kickback, it’s a one rabbit show, which isn’t what we like, generally, although Bugs’ invincibility is the ideal element in the triangular seasonal negotiations with Daffy and Elmer in the RABBIT SEASONING trilogy of cartoons, which are, needless to say, high grade fun indeed. Oh, and anything where Bugs is thrown into a properly weird environment (eg. Marvin the Martian, Witch Hazel) is excepted from this admittedly now rather shaky- looking rule. Basically what we’re trying to say is we’re Daffy fans, but again we’re lukewarm about the Daffy and Bugs pairing, rabbit season aside, especially the ones where the pair take a wrong turn at Alberquerque and end up in some mythical place or other (“Hassan CHOP!” and the abominable “I will call you George” snowman notwithstanding) Daffy has to be able to annoy the crap out of his partner, and Bugs is just too damn unflappable, unlike, say, Porky Pig.

Ah, Porky Pig. So often maligned as a dull straight man to the more vibrant Bugs and Daffy, but we think he provides great value when the situation’s right. Think of ROBIN HOOD DAFFY – when the camera cuts away from Daffy’s manic capering to Friar Porky’s wryly amused glance at the audience, it’s a lovely bit of complicity that elevates Porky out of dumb straight man territory (see Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, etc. – there to be laughed at, rather than with) into long-suffering cynic. Often, he’s the responsible, hat-wearing, hard- working adult plagued by the childish antics of the rest of the cast. An early Sylvester and drunken catty pals try to get into Porky’s house in KITTY KORNERED, dressing up as Martians to give Porky the most elaborate double take ever drawn. More drunken singing (it always seems to be Moonlight Bay, doesn’t it?) occurs in TRAP HAPPY PORKY, in which the Porkmeister’s cat constructs one of those fantastic chain-of-events traps out of household objects to sort out interloping rodents Hubie and Bertie (of whom more, as ever, anon) to the inexorable strains of Raymond Scott’s ‘Powerhouse’.

Kitty Kornered: The ultimate double take Trap-Happy Porky: Dum dum derr, da-diddly dum dum...

Porky and Daffy being slung together is often good value, notably in DAFFY DUCK SLEPT HERE, with the pair sharing a hotel room, leading to Daffy depriving Porky of much-needed sleep in various ways (the ‘invisible friend’ is genius). Oddly enough, our favourite Porky excursion sees him teamed up with Sylvester, whom we’re usually lukewarm about – anything with Tweety can’t by definition be a classic, nailing planks to a windowsill or no, and the baby kangaroo/giant mouse series is all formula and no fun for us, though we do have a residual fondness for his Of Mice and Men-style Junior companion. But Sylvester as a silent, spineless, catlike cat (no slight to Mel Blanc intended, honest) we love, and CLAWS FOR ALARM, with a gang of mice pretending to haunt an abandoned hotel Porky and Sylv are spending the night in, is gorgeous, especially the brilliant visual mime Sylvester does of a noose coming out of a moosehead’s mouth – you had to be there with this one, we suppose.

Another unfairly dismissed character is Foghorn Leghorn. There is a formulaic repetitiveness in a lot of the Foggy films – a fair few of the Miss Prissy cartoons rely on her “yeeeeeees!” catchphrase to an extent that would make David Walliams blush – but the verbose cockerel is great when paired off with either the no-bullshit dog known only as, er, Barnyard Dog (especially the one with that elaborate trap involving characters being pulled through a hole in a fence on the end of a rope) and the silent Egghead Jr. The way he talks throughout almost the entire picture by himself, to himself, is a triumph for the dialogue writers – and of course Mel B. “Watch and learn, son!”

But for us, the best stuff lies in the pictures that don’t rely on a cast of big hitters, and surprise surprise, Chuck Jones came up with a good many of these. That hopping mynah bird, morosely plodding along to the Fingal’s Cave Overture in various otherwise dodgy early cartoons, was as hypnotic to us as it was to the ‘delightfully un- PC’ bushmen hunting it. A later Jones gem was soft-as-shite bulldog Marc Anthony, whose breakdown when he thinks his beloved kitten Pussyfoot has been turned into biscuits in FEED THE KITTY can melt all but the sternest soul. Another Jones creation which began as foils for Bugs but came into their own were dysfunctional ursine nuclear family the Three Bears, with meek Maw and oversized oafish Joonyer unwittingly heaping agony after agony on pint-sized pissed of dad Henry. Best of their efforts was A BEAR FOR PUNISHMENT, in which Henry’s incredulity at Maw and Joonyer’s belief-beggaring Father’s Day costume song and dance show is shared by the viewer tenfold (that complicity factor again).

Claws for Alarm: Sylvester's moose impression Feed the Kitty: Pathos x10!

It wasn’t all Chuck creations, though. No-one who saw Bob Clampett’s masterful freak-out PORKY IN WACKYLAND is likely to forget it in a hurry, especially not The Dodo (“A-do-do-diddy-o-do!”), easily the most bizarre character ever to appear in a Warners short. Similarly, you don’t hear many appraisals of Mac and Tosh, the Goofy Gophers, these days, but Clampett’s ultra-polite rodents of mayhem (launching dynamite attacks with unerring etiquette – “May I?” “Please do!” “Why, thank you!”) are wonderful creations, especially when paired with the plummy-voiced English dog that guards the vegetable patch in their eponymous debut cartoon. Anything in which the Warner voice artists are let loose on ‘English’ accents is always great fun (“Cook! Where’s my Hossenfeffer?” and so on), and the insane good manners of the gophers (“Shall we?” “Surely!”) as they methodically go about their vegetal destruction is pretty near perfect cartoon entertainment.

Even closer to perfection, however, are wisecracking mouse duo Hubie and Bertie, who are more rounded as characters – the smartarse Hubie (“Psst! Hey, Bud!”) and the thicker Bertie (“Yeah yeah, sure sure!”) – yet still an invincible source of anguish for whichever antagonist they may be teamed up with. And if that happens to be the neurotic yellow hypochondriac Claude Cat, well then, we think we’ve hit the jackpot. He never had a catchphrase or speech defect like Sylvester (who as we’ve seen is best when he shuts up anyway), but his clawing-the-ceiling routine and rather touching nervous gullibility makes him the perfect foil to H&B’s relentless scheming. With the characters sorted, Chuck Jones then piles on the bizarreness, as H&B relentlessly torment the hapless Claude with psychological torture. In MOUSE WRECKERS, their attempts to convince Claude he’s going mad – nailing furniture to the ceiling, sticking fishtanks on the windows, etc. – produce the requisite teeth- grinding panic.

Mouse Wreckers: Claude Cat, the unsung hero of Chuck Jones's' oeuvre Hypo-Chondri-Cat: Claude's anaesthetic nightmare

Better yet is HYPO-CHONDRI-CAT (ah, you can just hear dear old Rolf introducing that one, can’t you, followed by a trademark cat screech) where Claude becomes so convinced he’s sick he lets H&B operate on him. As he goes under, there’s a marvellously scary bit of abstract weirdness with malevolent windows and scalpels. Then, at the end, the mice dress poor old Claude up as an angel, tie some balloons to his back, and leave him floating off into the sunset, convinced he’s dead. There’s no realisation on Claude’s part when a cardboard wing falls off, nor a Tex Avery-style “Sad isn’t it?” sign to deflate the situation – that’s how it ends. And sod it, we’ll admit we’re never too far from welling up when we see it. The fact Claude seems to be finally, weirdly, comfortable with the fact he’s dead is an amazing situation for a cartoon to try to get away with, let alone succeed. It’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you (well, us at least) cry – HYPO-CHONDRI-CAT is, after much deliberation, our pick of the WB canon. And, as the pig (eventually) put it, that’s all, folks!

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Wonderwall

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1968

ALBUM, THE SILENT COMEDY SHORT FILM’S WHITE – You may have noticed we’ve taken a different approach with this one, and there’s a sort of reason for that. What we’re dealing with here is, like, cosmic, right? This visionary film has been dismissed as a plotless fashion shoot, a load of moving colour supplement features interspersed with silent comedy antics of the calibre Eric Sykes and even Graham Stark would reject. (And as we know, it’s the silent comedy antics Eric Sykes rejects, which make Eric Sykes’s silent comedy antics the best.) This is because those critics, y’know, don’t have the vision to appreciate this film’s, y’know, vision. Right? So, in a break with established critical tradition, and possibly also in a spiteful ‘well if they can’t be bothered making a proper film we can’t be bothered writing a proper review’ mood, here’s our disjointed, half-baked collection of gnomic utterances about a likewise-made film that can barely said to be there at all. See Amoebas, human beings the size of; Synopsis, go on, at least make a stab at a;

AMOEBAS, HUMAN BEINGS THE SIZE OF – The plot, such as it is, revolves around a ‘science-vs.-swingers’ setup. Jack MacGowran is an absent-minded man of medicine who spends all day looking down microscopes, but hey! Maybe there’s more to the world than Stuffy Old Science can imagine. He could do with another sort of microscope to examine another sort of inner space, huh gang? See Amsterdam, what businessmen get up to in; Bong, pratting about with an outsize; Box, I’d better conceal this sticky bun by placing it precariously on the edge of this; Brunettes, cheating on Jane Birkin with several; Fez, someone wearing a; Mankind, I’m carrying out experiments of the greatest of importance to; Pastry, Mr.

Human beings the size of... Now, where is this, actually? Sloane Square tube?

AMSTERDAM, WHAT BUSINESSMEN GET UP TO INSee Bananas, have you got any spare; Bong, pratting about with an outsize; Car, my wallet’s in the; Foil, lounging about in the nip on some tin.

‘AND INTRODUCING THE FOOL!’ – A Dutch interior design collective, if you please, credited with decorating Birkin’s swinging split-level pad with swirly murals aplenty. The results are exactly as you might imagine, which is not necessarily a good thing. See Bong, pratting about with an outsize.

BANANAS, HAVE YOU GOT ANY SPARE – A very unconvincing thing to want to come round to MacGowran’s place to want to casually borrow. Just what is your game, Quarrier? See Quarrier, Ian.

BIRKIN, HALLUCINATING A STRANGE HYBRID OF A FISH AND JANE – Too much sitting round at home watching Bird’s Eye Menu Masters ads. (‘For the busy lifestyle you lead today.’) See Birkin, Jane.

BIRKIN, JANE - Less than a year away here from getting banned from the East Finchley Boy Scout’s club! See Pallenberg, Anita.

BLOOD, HER OFF OF THE STONES OF – Jack MacGowran’s dead mother, aka Beatrice Lehmann. Her father was humorist Rudolph Chambers Lehmann, her great-uncle was the painter Henri Lehmann, her brother was essayist and poet John Lehmann, and her sister was novelist Rosamond Lehmann. See ‘Rosewood, mahogany, teak?’

BONG, PRATTING ABOUT WITH AN OUTSIZE – Much of this, inevitably, by La Birk, El Quarry, and assorted hired goons. I think there might be The Fool in there too. Hum. See ‘And introducing The Fool!’

BONGO, MAGIC CONSULTANT ALI - One of many countercultural icons conspicuous by their absence. See Chuckle Dandies, The.

BOX, I’D BETTER CONCEAL THIS STICKY BUN BY PLACING IT PRECARIOUSLY ON THE EDGE OF THIS – The painting on the professor’s side of the “wonderwall” is a colorization of “The Passing of Arthur” [black and white illustration] by Florence Harrison from Tennyson’s “Guinevere and Other Poems”. London: Blackie & Son, [1912]. The original illustration has the caption “Morte d’Arthur”; it is not to be confused with the color illustration with the same title, done by the same artist for the same book. See Team, The Wonderwall Restoration.

BRAS, THE LADIES’ – Would’ve made a more appropriate soundtrack.

BREAK, SHE’S GETTING SO UPTIGHT I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY TO – This is no way to talk, hipster or no hipster. ‘You owe it to yourself, Ian!’

Textbook squalor! textbook! Do you...? Ah, sod it That Junior Cubby Broccoli Kit came in handy after all

BRUNETTES, CHEATING ON JANE BIRKIN WITH SEVERALsee Quarrier, Ian.

BUTTERFLIES, BADLY ANIMATED – Flying about to comedy boingy sitar stuff. A possibly less than gobsmacking special effect. See Glass, wall magically turning into.

CANNES – This premiered on The Croisette in 1968, no less. History, or at least the bit we’ve bothered to look at, does not recall how many backers beat a slavering path to Compton’s door after the first exhibition screening. See Car, my wallet’s in the; Him!, I seen him I seen.

CAR, MY WALLET’S IN THE – And now back to the wall.

CARDS, MACGOWRAN’S LITTLE SET OF ‘THINGS TO DO’ INDEX - He’s so absent minded, you see, he needs to put these cards in his pocket to remind him to put his jacket on. What is this, A Hitch in Time? See Dunn, Clive.

CHUCKLE DANDIES, THE - Two far-out fellers in pirate clobber who run up in a bottle green Bond Bug with a cardboard standee in the back, which they lug up to Birkin’s flat. One will grow up to become Ian Quarrier. See Quarrier, Ian.

CLEARLY, WELL YES OF COURSE - But then Taxi Driver didn’t end with a nudie version of the National Film Board of Canada’s Cosmic Zoom film. See Demarcation.

CLOTHES SHOW ROADSHOW, THE – Jane Birkin is permanently knackered, like Selina Scott.

COLLEGES, PROGRAMMES FOR SCHOOLS AND - Shameful old MacGowran throws a psychotic sickie at work (‘I can’t see her anymore!’ he screams into the microscope) so Perkins takes him home. Sadly no bugger’s in next door. Ha! Busted! See Perkins.

COLOUR, YOU LOOK QUITE OFF – Ideal dialogue cue at which to turn the picture black and white.

Animation expense: spared The old 'been sold a red light bulb under the impression it's a sun lamp' gambit

CONVERSATION, THE - MacGowran bugs Birkin’s pad, but hears only bland, aimless nonsense conversations made up of ad slogans. See Florette, screenplay by the author of Jean De.

DEMARCATION – There seems to have been some confusion in apportioning the various departments for this film. It’s like the people behind 2001 and The Plank had pooled their resources, only the job of writing funny gags went to the crew off 2001, and the job of providing a strong metaphysical story went to…the crew off of 2001.

DIALS, MASSIVE BAKELITE – Well, you’ve got to find visual sustenance somewhere. These are massive indeed, and are stuck to the front of a great big engine of some sort supposedly outside the lab, though the tiled walls make it look like a gents lav at King’s Cross. See Pissing gag.

DOGSY’S DINNER – If Noel Gallagher has actually ever managed to sit all the way through this film, even in ten-minute YouTube chunks, we’ll eat our silver cloche hats.

DRIVER, YOU KNOW MAN THERE AIN’T NO FILM BETTER THAN TAXI - Loner saves girl from countercultural hell and denouement is revealed in pan across ‘Scientist Saves Fashion Model’ newspaper headlines a good decade before Marty did it. Coincidence? See Clearly, well yes of course.

DRONE-IN, THE 1968 NON-DENOMINATIONAL WORLD MUSIC – Is about to be opened by Eagle-Eye Cherry. See Four, The Remo.

DUNN, CLIVE – Another of MacGowran’s models for the prof. See MacGowran, Jack; Pastry, Mr.; Frankenstein, Gene Wilder in Young; Who, Peter Cushing’s ill-advised cinematic portrayal of Doctor.

FAR, NEAR AND – We swear that schools’ programme’s queasily vertiginous scraping theme is in use during the film’s climactic Metropolis rip-off. See Colleges, Programmes for Schools and; Rip-off, Metropolis.

FAVOURS, FEATHERS AND – The model for this film’s screenplay. See Florette, screenplay by the author of Jean De.

FEZ, SOMEONE WEARING A – Too little, too late to win our forgiveness. See Bongo, Magic Consultant Ali.

FIDO – MacGowran’s dog. This, like his mum, is of course also dead. But this one’s stuffed and all. See Wheelchair, Clive Dunn’s dead mother’s.

The Fool(s) And Then They Lez Up: the Tedious Story of the 1960s

FLORETTE, SCREENPLAY BY THE AUTHOR OF JEAN DE - Hey, who knew? See Cannes.

FOIL, LOUNGING ABOUT IN THE NIP ON SOME TIN – A fine way to spend a Saturday afternoon. See Hotpants.

FOUR, THE REMO - Or are they The New Dakotas? See Harrison, George MBE.

FRANKENSTEIN, GENE WILDER IN YOUNG – Another of MacGowran’s models for the prof. See Dunn, Clive; MacGowran, Jack; Pastry, Mr.; Who, Peter Cushing’s ill-advised cinematic portrayal of Doctor.

GLASS, WALL MAGICALLY TURNS INTO – The moment it becomes clear we’re into ‘Final Episode of The Prisoner‘ territory. See Horse, rocking.

‘HALLUCINATORY DESIGN, HIP FASHIONS AND SEXY ENERGY!’ - Well, you can make trailers say anything you want. See Cannes; Tenser, Tony.

HARRISON, GEORGE MBE – Provides the soundtrack. All his own work, natch. See Drone-In, The 1968 Non-Denominational World Music. Also in the mix are Ringo, Clapton and Peter Tork on Paul McCartney’s banjo. See Street, Give My Regards to Broad.

HIM!, I SEEN HIM I SEEN - This film was, famously, ‘never shown’. Only of course, it was, in Cannes and at the Cinecenta, whatever that was. But ‘never’ sounds better. If you’re Stephen Pile, anyway. See Cannes.

HOLE - Projects silhouettes of Birkin, James Bond title sequence style, onto MacGowran’s face. See Interstitials, Psychedelic Teabreak.

HORSE, ROCKING - What Birkin sits on for the worst telephone acting ever seen as she ‘argues’ with her ‘agent’.

Fruitbat! Um, Jimbob?

HOTPANTS - As modelled by La Birk and ‘friend’ to whimsical organ music. See Clothes Show Roadshow, The.

ICE, A FRIDGE FULL OF – Ideal subject for an extended slapstick gag. See Bananas, have you got any spare.

INSECTS – Loads of them, in tanks and pinned up in cases. Suitably fusty and creepy atmosphere easily obtained with a few shillings and a ticket to Portobello Road. (NB a similar prop buying jamboree held today would result in the set being dressed with five disposable cigarette lighters, two of which are working.) See Butterflies, badly animated.

INSTRUMENT, CUNNINGLY REVERSED TAPE LOOPS OF AN UNIDENTIFIABLE STRINGED - Ideal accompaniment to a series of Rentaghost-style apparitions.

INTERSTITIALS, PSYCHEDELIC TEABREAK - Well, it beats ‘best drink of the day’.

JACK, A LATE-IN-THE-DAY BUT STILL AGREEABLY STRONG SURGE IN GENUINE DAFFY LIKEABILITY FROM - But you have to ask – Where? Was? The Defence?

KILLERS, THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE - Jack MacGowran’s Oscar Collins is a, er, close cousin to Jack MacGowran’s decrepit Professor Abronsius. See Pyke, Magnus.

LIGHT, LOVELY OLD ZEFFIRELLI STYLE DUSTY BEAMS OF - If in doubt, bung out the old favourites. See Pissing gag.

LOVE, REFLECTIONS ON – An earlier short film collaboration between Massot and Harrison, which is slapped on the DVD, though we haven’t bothered with it for…one reason and another. See Harrison, George MBE; Massot, Joe; Shaker, contains a new musical soundtrack by Kula.

MACGOWRAN, JACK – Far from at his best here, but still the only interesting thing on the screen. See Dunn, Clive; Frankenstein, Gene Wilder in Young; Jack, a late-in-the-day but still agreeably strong surge in genuine daffy likeability from; Over, falling; Pastry, Mr; Who, Peter Cushing’s ill-advised cinematic portrayal of Doctor.

Grooving Godspell!

MANKIND, I’M CARRYING OUT EXPERIMENTS OF THE GREATEST OF IMPORTANCE TO – Perkins is not convinced. See Perkins.

MASK, A GAS – What La Birk sports during one photo shoot. Heavy symbolism no doubt attached. See Pissing gag.

MASSOT, JOE - This film’s elusive director. He made whimsical, Beatle-featuring ‘ain’t love grand, like’ short Reflections on Love, during which he ‘got in’ enough with the Fabs to ensure George’s co-operation on The ‘Wall. After that was seen by about twenty people down the Cinecenta he helped George Lazenby write Universal Soldier, which was Big Fry’s big vanity project that was going to be bigger and better than any Bond film ever (and despite some nifty hovercraft and Germaine Greer as a Bond girl, it wasn’t). He was also mixed up in woeful Country Joe-soundtracked and balsa-built ‘electric western’ Zachariah, before getting back behind the camera for Zep concert flick The Song Remains the Same, and was last properly active over twenty years ago helming Space Riders, a duller-than-it-sounds montage of motocross action to a Queen soundtrack. See Pilgrim, The Passionate.

MOVIE, DIRTY – ‘Bloody hell! Bloody hell! Bloody hell!’ See Ronnies, those shabby and rather unnerving first series episodes of The Two.

NAKED YOGA, AND NOW ON CHANNEL FOUR ITS JUST COMING UP TO MIDNIGHT AND TIME FOR A SPOT OF - Capture cards at the ready, kids!

OVER, FALLING – Good old falling over. See Pastry, Mr.

PALLENBERG, ANITA - She’s… she’s there, too. See ‘And introducing The Fool!’

PASTRY, MR – Another of MacGowran’s models for the prof. See Dunn, Clive; Frankenstein, Gene Wilder in Young; MacGowran, Jack; Who, Peter Cushing’s ill-advised cinematic portrayal of Doctor.

PERKINS – MacGowran’s number two in the lab, as portrayed by Richard Wattis. He really cares.

What else have we got lying round the Pinewood props department? It's all too... well, daft

PIANO, SPED-UP WILD WEST SALOON BAR – The perfect accompaniment to a slapstick DIY montage. See Slapstick, DIY.

PILGRIM, THE PASSIONATE – Or is it a parody of Blow-Up? Anyway, it’s a dream sequence with MacGowran in magician’s cape duelling with La Birk’s blonde bit on the side in a Superman costume halfway up Box Hill or somesuch, to the tortuous strains of some very Magic Alex experimental accompaniment. Birkin drags a piano about. MacGowran capers along with a giant prop pen to a comedy dinging sound. Amidst all of this Birkin, it scarcely needs to be said, is no Madeline Smith. See Problem, Professor Popper’s.

PILLS, COR BLIMEY – As the hugely symbolic al fresco pretend wedding comes to a climax, MacGowran dons a turban and settles down to a nice big bong, and a few of these. See Bong, pratting about with an outsize; Suicide, Rock ‘N’ Roll; Wedding, hugely symbolic al fresco pretend.

PISSING GAG – It may sound like he is, but it’s just harmless water! See Routine, the old ‘Turn the Hoover off!’ ‘I can’t hear you! I’ll just turn the Hoover off!’.

PROBLEM, PROFESSOR POPPER’S - Then suddenly him and the blonde bloke are arsing around by a flyover with a seven-foot packet of Player’s No. 6. The blond spears him with a giant lipstick. MacGowran wakes up to a hefty invoice from ITC’s Avengers props department.

PUREFOY, MRS - The charlady who interrupts MacGowran’s randy snooping with the Hoover. And a complete and utter waste of Irene Handl.

PYKE, MAGNUSSee Pastry, Mr.

QUARRIER, IAN – Birkin’s Canadian love interest and imaginary ‘foe’ of MacGowran’s quaint fantasies. Was also the gay vampire up against MacGowran’s Professor Abronsius in The Fearless Vampire Killers. Aha! See Killers, The Fearless Vampire; MacGowran, Jack; Pilgrim, The Passionate.

REASON, BRIEF INTERLUDE IN BLACK AND WHITE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO – You’re only making things worse for yourself, you know.

Gerry Anderson's lawyers duly notified Roger Waters's lawyers likewise

REFRAIN, THE THEME TUNE’S UNMISTAKABLE - ‘Who am I?/That you know my name?/Who am I? Ba da da da!’

RIP-OFF, METROPOLIS – The beam engine in this weird Victorian pumping station that’s somehow a vital part of MacGowran’s cash-strapped amoeba research laboratory, even though it’s apparently located in the gents’ at King’s Cross, goes berserk. See Dials, massive Bakelite ; Far, Near and.

RONNIES, THOSE SHABBY AND RATHER UNNERVING FIRST SERIES EPISODES OF THE TWO - What this film most resembles in tone. Broad and not yet fully funny comedy sketches interrupted by dull, under-choreographed Pan’s People routines.

‘ROSEWOOD, MAHOGANY, TEAK?’ – This film’s props budget appears to be split 50-50 between hats and shelving.

ROUTINE, THE OLD ‘TURN THE HOOVER OFF!’ ‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I’LL JUST TURN THE HOOVER OFF!’ - see Routine, the very old ‘still shouting after Hoover’s been turned off’.

ROUTINE, THE VERY OLD ‘STILL SHOUTING AFTER HOOVER’S BEEN TURNED OFF’ - see Movie, Dirty; Purefoy, Mrs; Routine, the old ‘Turn the Hoover off!’ ‘I can’t hear you! I’ll just turn the Hoover off!’.

SHAKER, CONTAINS A NEW MUSICAL SOUNDTRACK BY KULA – For God’s sake, why?

SLAPSTICK, DIY – Once with a drill, once tidying up those insects, once taking the ceiling down so he can climb through the roof. All undercranked, none especially funny. But MacGowran does do all his own stunts. See Over, falling.

SLOMAN, ANTHONY BARNEY – Assistant editor. He once finished second on the BBC quiz programme Film Buff of the Year.

SPLIT, I HAVE TO - ‘She’s got a cover in Vogue. The cycle of Pisces is coming to an end. Thanks for everything, prof. It was beautiful.’

SPOILER, PLOT - She’s pregnant. See Suicide, Rock ‘N’ Roll.

This was done better in Smashing Time Lovely old machinery

STREET, GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROAD - ‘Hey, Macca! That Good Old Days sketch with Bryan Brown! Nice one!’

SUICIDE, ROCK ‘N’ ROLL - And she wants out. See Spoiler, plot.

SUNGLASSES, THICK PLASTIC OWL-RIMMED – Present and correct, natch.

SYNOPSIS, GO ON, AT LEAST MAKE A STAB AT A - Oh, all right… Stuffy, absent-minded professor Oscar Collins (Jack MacGowran) takes his bacteria-studying work home with him. When a weekend spent on the microscope is interrupted by some wheedling cod-Indian music, he peers through a hole in the wall and sees next door’s flat, a modish photographic studio inhabited by phwoargeous model Penny Lane (Jane Birkin). Thus begins a charming, innocent and not at all distastefully grubby obsession. See Spoiler, plot.

TEAM, THE WONDERWALL RESTORATION – When it came to re-master the film for the 30th anniversary, the optical soundtrack on the original print had deteriorated to the point of uselessness, so a new soundtrack had to be mastered from scratch. While this was going on, director Joe Massot included In the First Place, a track Harrison had at the time thought ‘inappropriate’ for the film. Fascinating stuff, we’re sure you’ll agree.

TENSER, TONY - Yes, this is a Compton Film, and was marketed as such. See ‘Hallucinatory design, hip fashions and sexy energy!’

THESE, ON DAYS LIKE – What the film’s main theme drone, bizarrely enough, most resembles. See Titles, some more of those crazy soundtrack.

TITLES, SOME MORE OF THOSE CRAZY SOUNDTRACK - Microbes, Drilling a Home, Wonderwall to Be Here, Singing Om, Party Secombe, Greasy Legs. See Tremoloes, stone me, are you still with the.

TIZIZER, I’S GOT THE ‘IZE’ ‘COS I’M DRIZINKING - ‘I didn’t understand that.’ ‘Did you understand that?’ ‘I didn’t understand that. Curious noise.’ ‘Curious noise.’

TONGS, THE SUGAR - ‘No, no, Perkins! Not with the sugar tongs! She’s too delicate! Mother, is that you?’

TREMOLOES, STONE ME, ARE YOU STILL WITH THE – ‘Olympus Trip? You want to get yourself a complicated camera, mate!’ See Up, Blow.

UP, BLOW – Birkin was in that, too, of course. What significance this holds goodness knows. See Wedding, a hugely symbolic al fresco pretend.

Lovely old Whiter Shade of Pale promo clips John Betjeman 'not worried' shocker

VIOLINS, CRYING - Ideal accompaniment to a tearful row between Birkin and Quarrier. No, really, couldn’t be less irritating if it tried.

WALLPAPER, THE FINAL, FULL-ON REVEAL OF THE FOOL’S PAINSTAKINGLY DESIGNED, UP-TO-THE-SECOND, ULTRA-TURNED-ON GROOVY PAD SHAMEFULLY CONSISTING OF AN ABANDONED CHAPEL COVERED IN BROWN AND ORANGE FESTIVAL OF BRITAIN ABSTRACT – What a let-down!

WARDROBE, QUICK JACK, SOMEONE’S COMING, GET IN THE – Well, it worked in Monique.

WEDDING, A HUGELY SYMBOLIC AL FRESCO PRETEND – Yes, very Last Week at Minehead Butlin’s. See Pilgrim, The Passionate.

WHEEDLING – What most of Harrison MBE’s soundtrack just sits there doing. See Harrison, George MBE.

WHEELCHAIR, CLIVE DUNN’S DEAD MOTHER’S - A played-for-laffs horror scene involves MacGowran’s dead mater wheeling herself through the door and generally having an echoey go at the old duffer. See Blood, her off of The Stones of.

WHO, PETER CUSHING’S ILL-ADVISED CINEMATIC PORTRAYAL OF DOCTOR - Another soft centre! See Blood, her off of The Stones of.

WONDERCEILING – A doomed attempt to extend the brand in the film’s closing minutes. It’s an odd film, clearly, but its motives seem confused too, particularly in that suicide ending. So stuffy old Tories like MacGowran should ‘keep an eye’ on the Beautiful People just in case they accidentally throw themselves off the twig, is that it? Hardly the revolutionary social manifesto you’d expect from a genuine Summer of Love film. ‘Turn on, tune in…take care!’ See Car, my wallet’s in the.

WORLD, THE BEST RECEPTION MANAGER OF ANY AIRLINE IN THE - See Perkins.

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