SHABBY SITCOM made during the Three Day Week, and it showed. Clement and La Frenais were on script duties, desperately baling “com” into a sit involving BOB HOSKINS as a small time crook who comes out of prison to find his best mate JOHN THAW shacked up with his missus. Except instead of getting the red mist and giving him a kicking HOSKINS moves in with them and tries to “make” the “best” of it. Was to have run for longer, with both stars finding themselves back inside for a dose of, ahem, Porridge. Except Thaw signed to do THE SWEENEY, and a few weeks later RONNIE BARKER donned the overalls.
T is for…
Thick as Thieves
This is David Lander/This is David Harper
SPOOF INVESTIGATIVE reportery with a heavy dose of ROGER COOK-chiding, reworked from Radio 4′s Delve Special which starred, as did DAVID LANDER, the delightfully shiny STEPHEN FRY in a blond wig. Earnest exposing of cover-ups and miscarriages of trivial justice that always transpired to be molehills not mountains. Titular David moniker passed, baton-like, to less appealing fellow Oxbridge simperer TONY SLATTERY for DAVID HARPER follow-up. Bob Wellings to Michael Grade on BBC1′s Open Air: “I saw David Lander and wasn’t very sure about it”…
TV CREAM SAYS: ...MICHAEL GRADE TO BOB WELLINGS: "YES, THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT
YOUR JOB AND I'VE GOT MINE"
This is Your Life
ORIGINALLY HOSTED by television’s most ill-at-ease presenter (EAMONN ANDREWS), THIS IS YOUR LIFE was a behemoth of a television programme, an institution that spanned decades, crossed channels, yet still was never able to surmount that “I’ll just flick over at the beginning to see if it’s anyone interesting” lack of engagement by the watching populace. Each edition would invariably start with that wonderful fanfare, disingenuously called “Gala Performance” (but quite obviously written so that the viewer could accompany that four note opening salvo with a musical rendition of the show’s title). After that, the camera would pan across to Andrews awkwardly hanging around outside a stage door, or just off set, preparing to present his menacing frame in front of one of light entertainment’s leading figures. From thereon Eamonn (and later MICHAEL ASPEL) would recount a highly tweaked version of said celebrities life to date, usually featuring some old school years battleaxe-with-a-heart-of-gold, plus a pre-recorded message from the celeb’s local boozer, in which friends and family not sufficiently interesting to be allowed through the studio door would indulge in a choreographed mass “cheers!” Each episode could also be relied upon to feature a genuinely interesting celebrity guest who we never got to hear from thanks to the fact they were already positioned on the opposing sofa when that week’s subject was corralled onto the stage. Never much more than a super-charged THROUGH THE KEYHOLE, crossed with a dash of SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THIS IS YOUR LIFE nonetheless provided ageing celebs with a platform for the type of hoary old anecdotage previously confined to the AGM of the Grand Order of Water Rats, and for that we should be grateful.
TV CREAM SAYS: "OH MY WORD, IT'S NOT ME IS IT?"
This is Your Right
CUE EXTENDED cymbal roll – it’s LORD MICHAEL WINSTANLEY “championing your rights” in this nightly North West-only five-minute consumer bulletin which pre-dated WATCHDOG by, ooh, at least half a century and got broadcast every weeknight between NEWS AT 5.45 and CROSSROADS. No expense spared titles: show’s name written out in military stencilling typeface. Always mixed up by six-year-olds with THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Later joined by sister programme “for our Asian viewers”, Aap Kaa Hak on a Sunday morning.
TV CREAM SAYS: YES HE WAS A REAL PEER
This Year Next Year
THAT OLD “successful corporate banker from the city (ROLAND HINES) who packs up and moves to the English countryside with his brother (MICHAEL “BOON” ELPHICK)” chestnut. Cue asking directions from country bumpkins, stuck in car behind herd of cows on road, etc. VIRGINIA STRIDE was Hines’ wife, left back in London to shag his business partner.
TV CREAM SAYS: NOPE, JUST THE ONE YEAR
Threads
THE END of the world, Sheffield-style. Nuclear war followed by nuclear winter on the mean streets of Ecclesall. Lots of shit, piss, blood and vomit, including the demise of REECE DINSDALE. One of the most nightmare-inducing bits of telly you could watch as a kid in the 1980s. Utterly without relief, and even the aftermath is appalling: radiation victim, pregnant, gives birth to a hideous lump of flesh.
You might also want to see... Words and Pictures.
TV CREAM SAYS: "EVIDENCE IS GROWING OVERNIGHT THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TWO
NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST"
Three of a Kind
A POST-TISWAS LENNY HENRY, pre-US TRACEY ULLMAN and, well, DAVID COPPERFIELD club together for a three-way averagefest of songs and sketches and jokes old and new. Henry perfected Nathaniel Westminster, Ullman did her dizzy bit and then went onto GIRLS ON TOP, while Copperfield did the old half-bride half-groom dressing up shenanigans. “GAGFAX” teletext joke section bewilderingly popular. Large chunk of show performed in ’80s LE staple of a completely white studio.
TV CREAM SAYS: "I'VE GOT A FUNNY NAME. MY NAME IS SHEILA LEGDRIBBLE." IF THAT
MAKES YOU LAUGH, YOU'RE IN!
Three Up Two Down
MIDDLING MID-EVENING middlebrow stalwart, featuring opposing grandparents MICHAEL “BOON” ELPHICK and ANGELA “MANOR BORN” THORNE as rough and ready cockernee and refined Cheltenham snob thrown together for incompatible flatshare baby-sitting sitcom high-jinks and “will they, won’t they – who cares?” sexual non-tension. Any watchability was mainly due to presence of proto-Hurley LYSETTE ANTHONY as Thorne’s daughter.
You might also want to see... Night and Day.
TV CREAM SAYS: CUE THE GAG ABOUT TAXIDERMY
Thunderbirds
THE JEWEL in the popular Anderson crown, though we’d plump for CAPTAIN SCARLET and the psychotic SECRET SERVICE every time. But then we would say that. We don’t need to go throught the roll-call of characters, do we? Suffice to say that 2 was the best ‘Bird, and the little yellow Thunderbird 4 was the dullest (as driven by Gordon Tracy). The best episode, by general consensus, was the original “Fireflash” supersonic jet one where the undercarriage got stuck, and those specially-designed trucks had to be driven under the wheels. Oh, and the “Vault of Death” one, which was really just the old “don’t touch the floor or the alarm’ll go off” routine, but very well done (with loads of those giveaway “real hand” close-ups). “Thunderbird 6″ was the feature-film-based Barnstormer biplane.
TV CREAM SAYS: T-BIRDS FANS SHOULD NOT VIEW THE ENTRY BELOW
Thunderbirds 2086
UP IN ARMS bastardisation of the Gerry Anderson stringathon which was actually an in-name-only bog standard cartoon with a nifty computer title sequence which quickly gave way to the usual cack.
TV CREAM SAYS: USED COMPUTER ANIMATION FOR CROSS SECTION SHOTS OF VEHICLES; USED ATARIS FOR DIGITAL READ OUT SCREENS
Thundercats
EARDRUM-RATTLING ENSEMBLE of busily-animated animal superheroes, with more than a nod to the likes of He-Man. Each week main man Liono, bruiser Panthro, brains Tigra, woman Cheetara, irritating brats Wileykit and Wileykat, and stupid comedy-relief-character Snarf wielded their superpowers to thwart mystical bandage-wearing Mum-Ra, before reconvening for a brisk discussion of what everyone had just learned. When they were on the move, so the theme tune informed you, they were “loose”. Over a hundred episodes were made, each and every one in the DVD collection of Andi Peters.
TV CREAM SAYS: ENEMIES GRUMBLED IN FEAR AND CONFUSION
Ticket to Ride
SUNDAY TEATIMERY featuring KEITH CHEGWIN and future squeeze MAGGIE PHILBIN visiting places of interest in a GO WITH NOAKES kind of way, except without the whinging.
TV CREAM SAYS: THEME TUNE PROVIDED A FEW BOB FOR MACCA, IF NOTHING ELSE
Tickle on the Tum
“TICKLE ON THE WHAT?” Overweening whimsy for small children set in the shop of a stereotypical English hamlet (called Tickle) and touched by the string-picking hand of singer RALPH McTELL. A different professional character (postman, teacher etc) dropped by each week for the usual song ‘n’ story treatment. The milkman was played by KENNY LYNCH.














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